by James Reston
MURRAY: I don’t want to hurt anybody.
BOB (Pause): I’ll pack some stuff. No, you stay here. I want to be alone.
BOB goes down the hall. MURRAY sits. Very short pause, then MIKE and COOTIE burst in through the front door, laden with Christmas presents. THEY see MURRAY, cross the kitchen to the hall door, exit, and start arguing loudly just outside in the hallway. After a moment THEY reenter, MIKE leading. Deferential.
MIKE: Me and my friend were wondering if you could settle a little argument for us.
MURRAY: What?
MIKE: Were you or weren’t you the guy behind the bar in Key Largo, starring Humphrey Bogart and Edward G. Robinson?
MURRAY: I’m Bob’s uncle.
MIKE (To COOTIE): He’s Bob’s uncle.
COOTIE: Are you a for-real uncle?
MURRAY (Confused): Yeah, yeah, I’m his uncle.
COOTIE: Maternal or paternal.
MURRAY: I’m related to Bob through his mother. She was . . . she’s my sister.
MIKE: That means you and him have different names.
MURRAY: Yeah, he’s a Rettie, I’m a Golden.
MIKE: That’s a pretty convincing story, mister.
COOTIE: Most of the pieces fit pretty good.
MIKE and COOTIE start toward the hall. SHELLY comes in the front door.
SHELLY: Hi, everyone.
MIKE: Hiya, Shelly.
COOTIE: Good old Shelly, hiya.
MIKE and COOTIE are gone down the hall.
SHELLY: Hey . . . excuse me, do you know if Norman’s here?
MURRAY: I don’t know who Norman is.
SHELLY: One of the guys here. I mean, like he lives here. You someone’s father?
MURRAY: I’m Bob’s uncle.
SHELLY: Bob? Oh, yeah, Job. (SHE sits under the table) I’m waiting for Norman. Hey, are you, like, a for-real uncle?
MURRAY: You kids keep asking that.
SHELLY: You don’t think of him with an uncle.
MURRAY: Look, if you don’t want me to stay in here, I’ll go and help Bob.
SHELLY: No, you stay here. Like, I enjoy company. Hey, is he here?
MURRAY: I’m afraid I don’t know your friend Norman.
SHELLY: I mean Job. Your nephew.
MURRAY: Yes, he’s here. I’m waiting for him.
SHELLY: He’s, like, in here somewhere? Inside the apartment?
MURRAY: Yes. Look, you want to go down and ask him about Norman, go ahead.
SHELLY: Is he in the toilet?
MURRAY: He’s in his room.
SHELLY: Wow, that’s like really weird.
MURRAY: He’s just packing, that’s all.
SHELLY: Yeah, but I mean, if you’re his for-real uncle, how come you’re like sitting in here when he’s down there?
MURRAY: Look, he . . . (Weeping softly) . . . I don’t know.
SHELLY: Hey, you’re really crying like crazy. What’s the matter? I thought you were, like, waiting for him to come back here, you know, to the apartment or something. I just wanted to know because I’m waiting for Norman to come back so I thought we could maybe sit here together waiting and that would be something we had in common, then you told me he was in his room packing and everything and I thought that was sorta weird ’cause if you’re like his for-real uncle you could just go down there and be with him. Why’s he packing?
BOB (Entering with bag): O.K. I’m ready.
SHELLY: Hey, Job, you going away?
BOB: I’ll be back in a few days.
SHELLY: Like, you mean, you’re not just going home early for Christmas vacation?
BOB: No.
SHELLY. Oh. O.K. Hey, Merry Christmas, you guys.
BOB: Merry Christmas.
MURRAY: Merry Christmas.
DICK comes in through the front door. BOB and MURRAY start out. DICK is baffled.
DICK: Hey, you going?
BOB: Yeah. Kathy’s in your room. (Pause) She doesn’t like it from behind.
BOB and MURRAY are gone.
DICK: Where’s he going?
SHELLY: I don’t know, but the guy with him is his for-real uncle and he’s a weird head.
KATHY comes into the kitchen.
KATHY: Hey, did Bob just go out?
SHELLY: Wow, he didn’t even tell you?
DICK: He left with his uncle.
KATHY: Uncle?
SHELLY: Yeah, like it’s his for-real uncle, I’m pretty sure.
KATHY: Jesus, why didn’t he say something. I mean, I been waiting for him down there . . .
SHELLY: Well, the uncle said Job went down to his room to pack, and I mean, like if you were in there with him and he started putting a lot of socks and underwear and toilet stuff in a suitcase you should’ve got suspicious and asked him something, like where’s he going.
KATHY: Look, I went to the bathroom, O.K.?
SHELLY: Ya didn’t flush.
KATHY: Mind your own business, Shelly. What does he expect me to do? How can I make plans for the Christmas vacation if he just . . . shit, he could’ve said something. (DICK, in a feeble attempt to avoid KATHY’s rage, tries to sneak out down the hallway) And listen, you, you have a lot of nerve telling him about that night.
DICK: I didn’t say anything.
KATHY: He said you told him.
DICK: Honest, Kathy, I never did.
KATHY (Vague): I’m really getting to hate this place. (SHE starts down the hall. DICK starts after her)
DICK: Kathy!
Before DICK can get down the hall, RUTH rushes in through the front door, breathless.
RUTH: Oh, wow, have I ever had the most fantastic experience! (DICK goes down the hall, slamming the door. SHE yells) You’re a shit, Dick.
SHELLY: You seen Norman?
RUTH: Oh, hi, Shelly. Hey, let me tell you about what just happened to me. It really blew my mind.
From down the hail, we hear voices singing,
MIKE and COOTIE (Singing, offstage):
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And . . . (THEY rush in from the hall dressed in Santa Claus costumes and end the song)
. . . a Happy New Year.
MIKE: We got a present for you, Ruth.
SHELLY: Hey, where’d you get those?
COOTIE: We’re doing collections this year. Yep.
MIKE: You want to see the great old present we got ya?
RUTH: I was just gonna tell Shelly what happened when I went to see Quinn. You know Quinn, the albino dwarf . . .
MIKE: Oh, yeah, old Quinn.
COOTIE: Good old Quinn.
RUTH: Yeah, right. Well, I had to see him about homework for the Christmas vacation and, I mean, like, he was the last person I wanted to see. I always thought he was a vicious little bastard. I mean, he can be pretty shitty.
MIKE: They say he shot a man in Abilene.
COOTIE: In the back.
RUTH: Listen, willya? I went into his office and he’s standing by the window, you know, three feet high and everything. I thought he was probably gonna ask why I wasn’t doing any homework, and I had this whole speech worked out about how I thought he was a pretentious little snot and how I frankly didn’t give a shit about philosophy and even less of a shit about him, if that’s possible and . . . oh, you know, I was really going to kill him. Anyway, he told me to come over to the window, so I came over and we both stood there looking out. Snow everywhere, like, white wherever you looked and a lot of snow coming down like in those paperweights you shake up, and there’s all these kids down below coming out of the building, all little lumps moving across the white in slow motion, and we’re looking at them, just the two of us for, I don’t know, about a minute or two, and then he j
ust turns to me, like without any warning, and says this incredibly beautiful thing . . .
MIKE: Hey, don’t you want to see the nifty present we got ya?
RUTH: Let me tell you what the guy said, willya?
MIKE: Right, you tell us what Quinn said, then we’ll show you the present.
RUTH: Yeah.
MIKE: Will you look at the present first, then tell us what Quinn said?
RUTH: For Christ sake, stop fucking around and listen.
MIKE: All right, what did Quinn say?
COOTIE: I’d like to hear what Quinn said.
As RUTH is about to speak, KATHY runs through from the hall and out the front door with a valise in hand. DICK shouts from offstage down the hall.
DICK (Offstage): Kathy. (HE enters and, on his way across the room and out the front door, buttons his overcoat) Kathy!
RUTH’s face shows worry as SHE watches this. Seconds after DICK exits, SHE takes her coat and follows, leaving MIKE, COOTIE and SHELLY alone. There is a pause.
COOTIE: What was that all about?
MIKE: Things around here are getting a little out of control, Cootie.
COOTIE: You feel that way, huh?
MIKE: I do.
COOTIE: Well, what are we gonna do about it, movies or roller-skating?
MIKE: Cootie, sometimes you’re really a dumb asshole.
COOTIE: But then again sometimes I’m not. (Gets up and walks down the hall slowly)
SHELLY: Hey!
MIKE exits after COOTIE, leaving SHELLY alone. Slow fade.
Scene 6
Most of the posters are down. A bare feeling. Around graduation. There’s some letters on the table. RUTH, alone, is reading her letter. DICK comes in from outside, dressed for warm weather, perhaps carrying a box. HE opens the icebox.
DICK: Shit, nothing left.
RUTH: We cleaned it.
DICK: Anyone gone yet?
RUTH: No. Why don’t you look at your grades?
DICK (Opens letter): Jesus.
RUTH: Bad?
DICK: Fucking awful.
RUTH: Do you graduate?
DICK: Yeah, just.
RUTH: They sent Kathy’s grades here.
DICK: That was tactful.
RUTH: Maybe she’ll be around to pick them up. I got into graduate school.
DICK: Great.
RUTH: Philosophy.
DICK: Philosophy?
RUTH: Yeah! (Pause) I mean, you know, why not? (DICK starts toward the hall) Hey, Dick, I don’t get it. You know that day she left, just before Christmas . . . did you get into her?
DICK: How low can you stoop, Ruth?
RUTH: No, I mean, you know, just, she must’ve done something to fuck you up this bad.
DICK: Kathy did not fuck me up.
RUTH: Yeah, well, ever since she left you’ve been looking like really terrible. You never even studied for finals. I mean, you were the academic head around here. Hey, you did get her, didn’t you, and I bet she told you you were the first guy that ever turned her on: (DICK starts out again) Did she? Oh, come off it, Dick, I just . . . I thought we were friends.
DICK: You know what that goddamn fucking little cunt told me? Just before she left? She told me I was screwing Roper’s wife. Me, screwing Roper’s wife.
RUTH: Well, you know Kathy.
DICK: She said everybody in the whole fucking school knew about it. It got back to Roper.
RUTH: Wow, I bet he was pretty pissed off, huh?
DICK: He was pretty good about it, considering. He pulled me in after a tutorial and gave me the old “Richard, my boy” speech. He thought I started the rumor. Me. Shit. “Richard, my boy, it’s said you’re doing unenviable things to my wife. My boy, that particular assignment has already been well seen to. It’s not like you to claim credit for someone else’s work.” You ever tried to do a paper for someone who thinks you’ve been saying you’re screwing his wife? Shit. Poor old fairy. Boy, what a fucking mess.
BOB comes in the front door.
RUTH: Hey, Bob, you got your grades.
BOB: Oh, yeah. (HE looks)
RUTH: How’d you do?
BOB: O.K. This for Kathy?
RUTH: Yeah. (BOB starts to open KATHY’s letter) Hey, that’s private property.
BOB: What the fuck’s gotten into you all of a sudden. (Reads) A, A, A, A . . . B minus. B minus in Poetry 210. Man, she really went to pieces without us. I hope she hasn’t had a nervous breakdown or anything. Whew, B minus.
A knock on the door. DICK opens it. It’s LUCKY.
LUCKY: Listen. I just seen Mr. Willis. He wants you out by tomorrow night.
BOB: How ya been, Lucky?
LUCKY: What? Oh, yeah. Well, if you want a hand, you know where to find me.
RUTH: Thanks a lot, buddy.
LUCKY: Don’t get fresh, girlie, don’t give me lip. You can talk how you want when you’re with your own kind, but you show some respect when you’re with Lucky. Smart alecks. Think you know everything. You don’t . . . you don’t know . . . you don’t know what it’s like living downstairs. That’s something I know about. I know about living downstairs. I live downstairs. You seen me . . . you seen me out there, sitting out there. Well, you seen me . . .
BOB: Yeah, yeah, lots of times.
LUCKY: All right. That’s what I mean. I sit out there. I’m out there. I got my Budweiser. I got my pretzels. Oh, yeah . . . I’m not just sitting out there, you know. I’m watching. I’m keeping my eyes open. (HE’s slowly going into a trance) I see them cars go by, all them cars. Fords. I see Fords out there. Chevies. Lincolns. Oldsmobiles. Plymouths. I see the odd Cadillac, oh, yeah, don’t worry about that. It’s all up here. You think I’m just sitting there with my Budweiser and pretzels. Think you know it all, oh, yeah.
DICK: Don’t worry, we took care of it.
LUCKY: Huh?
DICK: We did like you said. Got rid of those plastic garbage cans and got some galvanized aluminum.
LUCKY: All right, that’s what I mean. Now, if you want any help, I’ll tell you what you do. You come downstairs. O.K.? (As HE goes, we see him look around and call “Kitty-kitty”)
RUTH: Guess I’ll pack. (Gets up to leave. DICK starts taking down one of his posters)
BOB: Where’s everyone?
RUTH: Mike and Mel went out with Norman. They’re meeting Shelly at the flicks. Casablanca. You should see the marks they got. They’re both magna cum.
DICK: Magna cum. Sneaky bastards.
RUTH: Yep. (SHE goes out down hall)
DICK: You staying for graduation?
BOB: No, you?
DICK (Shakes head no): Hey, you really going into the army?
BOB: Yeah, as a hostage. I don’t know. What are you doing?
DICK: Shit, I don’t know.
BOB: Anything lined up for the summer?
DICK: Yeah, delivering milk. It’s your friendly college graduate, Mrs. Miller. “Such a shame, the boy went to college.” Maybe I’ll get sterilized, save any kids having to go through all this. She really was a bitch, you know.
BOB: I guess so.
DICK: Guess so, shit, I hope she gets cancer of the tits and suffers like crazy while she’s dying. Honest to Christ, she’s the first person I ever met I could really kill.
BOB: Yeah.
DICK: Oh, great humility scene.
BOB: No, it’s just, you know, that’s how it goes.
DICK: You know something, Bob? You know what’s wrong with you?
BOB: I been waiting all this time for someone to tell me. What’s wrong with me, Dick?
DICK: You let her get your balls, Bob.
BOB: That was pretty careless, wasn’t it?
DICK: No shit, Bob. I remember when you got stung by that bee in the humanities quadrangle. I always wondered about that. I mean, you’re supposed to yell when something like that happens. You don’t stand there wondering if you should say something. You really are dead, you know.
BOB: Yeah, well, that’s what I w
as trying to tell everyone right before Christmas. I thought I might just try it out, you know, being dead. Didn’t feel any different.
DICK: I don’t get it.
BOB: No, it’s a pretty weird thing.
DICK: I gotta pack.
BOB: Yeah.
DICK leaves the room. MIKE and COOTIE burst in through the front door, panting heavily.
MIKE: Oh, shit, man, we’ve really had it. Christ, how could the guy do it? I thought he was kidding.
RUTH (Comes in with a small suitcase): Hey, you guys better hurry up and pack. We gotta be out of here tomorrow.
COOTIE: Ruth, sit down, huh? Something pretty bad just happened. Seriously, no shitting around.
RUTH: Where’s Norman?
COOTIE: Norman’s . . . he just . . . oh, shit.
MIKE: He set himself on fire.
BOB: He what?
MIKE: All that stuff he was reading. He just . . . I don’t know. He got this idea. Oh, fuck, how could the stupid bastard ever . . . shit.
RUTH: I thought you guys were going to see Casablanca.
MIKE: No, we had to tell you that. He had this plan. Honest to shit, we didn’t know he was serious. Him and Shelly. We thought he’s just . . . we went to the common and he took all his clothes off and poured gasoline all over himself.
COOTIE: We were just shitting around, Ruth. Honest. If we thought he was serious we’d’ve stopped him, you know.
MIKE: It was that fucking Shelly.
RUTH: You fucking stupid . . .
MIKE: I’m telling you, it wasn’t our fault. He wouldn’t have lit the match. I know he poured the gasoline, bur he’d never’ve lit the match.
BOB: He’s . . .
MIKE: Oh, shit, it was awful. He just sat there turning black. I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t turn away. His skin just, Christ, it just fell away from his face and his blood . . . (Puts head in hand)
RUTH: Stupid fucking guys. You should’ve known. Where’s Shelly?
COOTIE: She went crazy, Ruth. She just cracked up. We had to practically knock her out. She’s O.K. now.
SHELLY comes in the front door. Her eyes are closed and her fists clenched. RUTH runs to her, doesn’t know what to do.
RUTH: Shelly, oh, Shelly, Jesus . . .
SHELLY (Teeth clenched): Fucking guys.
NORMAN comes in. HE’s soaking wet and carries a gasoline can. MIKE and COOTIE rise.
MIKE: See, everything’s cool now. Everybody trusts each other. That’s what it’s all about, (HE smiles oddly at the others)
