by C C Roth
“Fine, I promise. Geez, it’s too early for this you should go back to bed.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Her eyes were heavy and her worry lines were harsh in the morning light. “Never mind. I just worry about my babies, that’s all. I want you to be safe and I feel like I can’t control that anymore. We’ve lost so much and there are groups that are using this weakness in our government to their advantage. They’re going to change things. I just can’t promise you the future I want for you and it makes me sad. That’s all.”
I nodded. It was a bit heavy for that early in the morning and I could tell she had more to say, as usual. But no one wants to hug a porcupine and I was definitely feeling prickly.
“I’ll be fine, Mom. I promise. Besides it’s not like things have changed that much for me you know. It’s not like I was going to be voted prom queen or captain of the girls basketball team or anything like that. You should really be worried about Mike. Mr. Popular, all alone with his thoughts and nothing else….now that’s scary.”
She visibly eased up at my teasing. “Yeah, good point. I just wish I could have done more.”
I frowned at her comment not fully understanding it was a thread I probably shouldn’t pull at. “What do you mean, ‘done more’? You’ve kept us safe and gotten us here. You did that. What more could you have done?”
She shrugged and got up to get more coffee from the counter, avoiding my eyes. What did she mean? There was nothing she could have done better or differently. No better possible outcome for our family than being alive and together. Unless…
“Mom?”
“Hmm?” Her back was still to me.
“Did you know?”
“Know what?”
“Did you know the attack was coming? Is that why we’re alive? Jesus, is that why we’re here?” I was starting to feel panicked all of sudden like the air was thickening and squeezing my chest.
She slowly turned from her coffee pot to meet my stare and I could see the answer on her face. She didn’t need to confess, I already knew.
“Jesus, Mom. You knew! What about our friends what about our family? There are people we could have saved.” I was almost shouting now. “What about Nia?”
“They wouldn’t have listened and if they had it would’ve created a panic. I only suspected I didn’t have proof. I can’t just go around shouting classified information to our neighbors and everyone we know. I would have been putting all of us at risk.”
I gawked at her, my mouth poised to scream. I had no words.
“Sam, you can’t understand and there’s no way for me to explain it. Unless you’ve been living with it for most of your life there’s no way you could understand. There are always threats. There are always people planning and plotting to unleash viruses or blow up buildings. I couldn’t have said anything to anyone outside of the CIA.”
A long silence passed as I tried to think about this. She’d made her job with the CIA sound so innocent almost as if she barely worked there. But having access to dangerous classified information didn’t sound very innocent. How much had she known? I pictured Nia and her family lying dead in some crappy hospital tent. I pictured the explosion in D.C. and the devastation it caused. I had a million questions for her but only one really mattered.
“Mom, did you know about the bomb?”
“Sam, please—"
By then I was shouting, “Did you know about the bomb?”
“Yes. I knew there was a nuclear threat for D.C. I did not know if it was real or not. No one could have known. Not for certain.”
“All those people, Mom. All those people died. You could have saved them. Couldn’t you? I mean someone should have saved them!”
“Yes, someone should have. I’m so sorry, Sam. If I could have saved them, I would have. But there was no way. All I could do was keep silent and protect my family the best I could. So yes, that’s why we’re here. That’s why we’re alive.”
My head was spinning and everything was making more sense. “That’s why you kept us inside before the first warnings about the virus had even gone out. That’s how this place was so well stocked already with food. And how you knew we’d be safe here away from everything. You knew the whole time. Didn’t you?”
“Please stop saying that. It’s more complicated than that. I didn’t know for certain and I didn’t know that it would actually happen. Only that the timing seemed opportunistic and when I heard about people getting sick I thought maybe, just maybe someone had actually followed through this time. I didn’t want to risk you three so yes I kept us home and that’s why we’re alive. But I didn’t know.”
“But if you suspected then someone knew. Our government knew, right? They knew and did nothing?”
She hung her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. “Sam, my job isn’t to apply my analysis it’s only to—"
“But it is someone’s job, right? Whose job is it? Who is it that failed all those millions of people that are dead now? All the people that died slowly, choking on their own blood. All those people in D.C. who were blown up. Whose job was it?”
She stood silent.
I was furious. I stormed out the door ignoring Dad and Mike standing stupefied in the background. All the shouting had woken them but I didn’t know how long they’d been there. I didn’t know what to do with any of what I was feeling. I felt somehow responsible for everyone who’d died even though that was a ridiculous thought. But how could she handle it? How could she go on every day with the knowledge that she could have single handedly saved our country but didn’t because…why? It wasn’t her job? It wasn’t part of the rules? I didn’t understand any of it. If someone bad was going to do something bad weren’t you obligated to prevent it? Why did everything have to be so complicated?
I lost myself in the woods for an hour just walking and trying to calm down. My breathing had slowed but my mind was still racing with questions. What did this mean? I found myself once again questioning who this woman really was. How did she go through her life with this knowledge and be okay with it? How did the guilt not drive her insane? Had she really just rationalized it all away? I sat on a large rock and absently picked the bark off a tree branch while I let my temper run away with me. I couldn’t answer any of these questions and I wasn’t sure if the answers would help even if I could. I felt so stupid having thought that Mom and I were closer now. This whole time she’d been lying, again. My whole life was one big lie and I couldn’t process it. I felt like an orphan, alone and terrified.
I didn’t need to look up to know the footsteps moving through the woods belonged to Mike. Ever my protector and ever vigilant he’d come to make things better.
“Hey, loser. Put on a jacket before you freeze.” He tossed my coat at me and leaned up against a tree. “What’s up with you and Mom? It sounded pretty bad.”
“Didn’t she tell you? I thought she confided everything in her perfect child.”
He sighed, “You know it’s not like that. Mom loves you and you know it.”
“Do I?”
“Stop it, Sam. You’re being an ass. What happened?”
“She knew, Mike. She knew the whole time that this was going to happen. The virus. The bomb. Everything. She knew and she didn’t do anything.”
I watched his face as he thought this over, his mouth twisting into a shrug. “Well, if that’s true then she must’ve had her reasons for not telling us, right?”
My jaw dropped, “That’s it? That’s your response?”
“Well what do you want me to say, Sam? She’s our mom no matter what she does. You can be mad at her and you can hate her choices but she’s always going to be your mom. That doesn’t get erased just because you don’t like something she did. It’s not like she caused the attack or dropped the bomb on D.C. herself. She was trying to help stop it. If she really knew then I’m sure she did everything she was supposed to do to stop it. It’s not her fault this happened. The people that planned it are the bad guys. The people that di
d it are the bad guys. You can’t blame her for what someone else did.”
“But we could have saved people. We could have brought them here with us. Nia, whoever your girlfriend was at the time.”
He laughed a little. “No girlfriend actually, thanks for noticing, but I get it. Yeah, maybe we could have made a difference or maybe not. It doesn’t matter. This is where we are and this is what we have to live. You don’t get to blame Mom for it though. She didn’t do it.”
I didn’t really like what he had to say even though I knew he was right. It was such a Mike response to jump straight to acceptance and totally bypass any anger or denial.
He punched my arm as he stood, “C’mon, let’s go eat. I’m starving. Dad said we might head into town today and see Frank if that cheers you up at all.”
I nodded, not ready to leave my brooding rock yet. “I’ll be right there.”
He eyed me for a minute, “She’s not perfect, Sam. No one is. You need to let that crap go.” Then he turned and walked back to the cabin.
I emerged from the woods a few moments later with no clarity about my mom but instead with a resolution to never be duped again. Never again would I trust so easily. I was so tired of lies complicating everything. Why couldn’t people just be honest? Why couldn’t people just say what was real? I didn’t understand why everyone I knew seemed to let emotions cloud everything. Nia and I always butted heads about stuff like that. I thought she was overly emotional about everything and she thought I was basically a robot. I smiled to myself as I walked back the cabin, thinking of her goofiness and easy giggle. She had the world’s all-time best laugh. I thought back to one of the last times I heard her laugh like that.
“Just tell him you like him. What’s the big deal?” I asked her.
She was hiding her face in my locker trying not to let Markus Wright see her as he passed by with his friends.
She shushed me and fanned her face exaggeratedly, “Because he’s soooo cute, Sam! And not everyone is like you. I can’t just go up to someone and blurt something like that out.”
I scowled at her, genuinely confused. “It would be easier wouldn’t it?”
The bell rang so we walked down the hall towards our next class.
“No, it would not. How would that be easy to do?” she gaped at me.
“I don’t know, you just do it then you don’t have to worry about it anymore. That would be easier, right?”
She shook her head and laughed. She always thought my reactions to things were hilarious. “You are so bizarre sometimes. Okay, so if it’s no big deal then why don’t you go tell your crush that you like him?” She flipped her long black hair in triumph and gave me a taunting smile.
I shrugged, “Fine. No problem. Except I don’t have a crush on anyone so… not gonna happen.”
Her green eyes were devious and sparkled with mischief. “Oh I happen to know for a fact that you absolutely do have a crush. What about Ian?”
I grimaced. “You must be joking. There is no way I like him. He’s an idiot.”
“Well if he’s such an idiot why are you always giggling at him?”
“I have never giggled at him once, you’re hallucinating.”
We paused outside the door to Chemistry so we could keep people-watching. “You have so giggled at him. Several times actually,” she insisted.
“Whatever, I just don’t feel that way about anyone. Not the way you feel about Captain Dimples over there.” I gestured to Markus who was standing several feet away across the hall.
“Be quiet. He’ll hear you.”
I couldn’t help myself. I turned quickly and shouted, “Hey Markus!” then bolted into the classroom before she could stop me, leaving her alone in the hall. I turned back to see them smiling at each other before she chased me down and ripped me a new one.
“What is wrong with you? Who does that?” she asked in feigned exasperation.
“Okay, now I’m giggling.”
I laughed through most of class that day and every time I looked over at her Nia would just shake her head and try not to smile. Markus ended up asking for her number the next day and she always said it never would have happened if I hadn’t opened my big mouth. God, I missed her. Nia had been my best friend since fifth grade and not talking to her all these months was making me crazy. I knew deep down she was dead, but I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it. I stomped on some wildflowers as I made my way back to the cabin and ignored the signs of spring that were all around me. Any other person would have been twirling in the woods, singing to the local wildlife about the joys of being alive. But not me, all I could see was death everywhere and it was eating me up.
When I got back, I saw Mike was right. Dad had decided we needed another trip into town to visit with Frank and to see about more supplies. I was still upset but there was no way I was missing a chance to see the outside world. I didn’t speak a word to Mom and tried to avoid her eyes as we loaded up the car and piled in. Mike had the Remington in the back with me and Mom held her Winchester in the front seat. I stayed silent and I could tell she was upset too. Her face was red and splotchy like she’d been crying.
Dad scanned over our sullen faces as he settled in the driver’s seat and raised his eyebrows dramatically. “Well this will be an interesting drive,” he said with deep sarcasm.
I didn’t laugh. I didn’t even look at him. As far as I was concerned he was guilty by association. He seemed to be privy to all of Mom’s little secrets so I could only assume he was in on this one as well.
“Great,” he said. “Well you’re still talking to me, right Mike?”
Mike gave me a sorry face. “Let’s just go, Dad. We’ll figure it out later.”
“Right.” He started the car and turned on the radio for background noise. Silence wasn’t really his thing. He twisted the knob until a bearable song came on then we were on our way.
The music was an unwelcome sound to my ears. I had enough going on in my head and I really didn’t need the noise. I knew I was pouting but I didn’t care. What I wouldn’t have given to have been home so I could stomp upstairs and slam my door. Two months before the virus broke out, I had been doing just that. It felt like a lifetime ago and I remembered it as if I were a different person. I had gotten in trouble at school again and Mom was really mad even though she was trying to hide it, always so calm.
“What could you have been thinking, Sam? Why would you ever do something like this?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” I really didn’t know but I wasn’t sorry.
“You threw a dead frog at someone. Explain that to me.”
I sat at the kitchen table slumped in a chair, hanging my head and trying not to laugh. But the instant replay of Cora Schuman getting slapped with a frog just wouldn’t stop playing in my mind.
“I didn’t throw it, it slipped as I was gesturing and it landed near her. Not on her.”
Mom knew I was lying. Of course I was lying. I absolutely had thrown it and it absolutely had hit her. Cora was a super annoying girl who was always rolling her eyes and posting crappy stuff about me. But it wasn’t like I had planned it or something. Besides, she survived.
“I don’t know what to do with you anymore, Sam. You’re out of control. You’ve been lying, acting out at school, and I know you’ve snuck out of the house more than once.” She stared me down thinking her gaze would break me. But I stared right back, unwavering. “This is not normal behavior for a sixteen-year-old girl.”
Maybe she’d meant to hurt me with the comment or maybe not. It didn’t matter. All I could hear was my mother telling me once again that I was abnormal and not good enough. That’s all she ever seemed to be saying to me those days, if not with her words then with her ever critical eyes. What hurt the most was that she wasn’t wrong. I had never fit in easily and I knew I was different, but it hadn’t occurred to me that it was a problem. Most of the kids my age I didn’t want to fit in with anyway. But it hurt knowing my own mother didn’
t get it, that she didn’t get me. It was just my bad luck that Dad hadn’t been home yet. He would’ve thought it was hilarious and could have calmed her down.
“No sleepover with Nia this weekend and no screen time tonight. I’ll figure out the rest of your punishment when your father gets home later. I really don’t know what to do with you.”
I exploded, throwing the chair to the floor. “Maybe you should just ship me off to robot camp so I can be programmed just like you!”
I stormed up the stairs and slammed my bedroom door so hard I knocked a picture off the wall in the hallway. I smiled as I heard the glass shatter. Why did she always have to say things like that? It was like she wanted something to be wrong with me but really it was her who had the problem. She just didn’t like that we were different. Dad felt the same way I did, he’d never say it but I could tell.
I overheard them talking about me later that night and he said she was too hard on me and told her to try just stepping back and letting me find my own way.
“Really, Jackson? Let her find her own way? She is only a teenager and we both know with her personality she won’t choose the right path.”
“We don’t know that. We can’t know that and unless we give her the opportunity to make more choices, she won’t learn the lessons she needs.”
“I’m afraid for her sometimes. Her counselor says it’s time she sees someone. I just don’t want her to—"
“Hey, we don’t need to worry about all the things that could go wrong in her life. Let’s celebrate all the things that are going right.”
“And those would be what right now?”
“Well, sounds like she really clocked that girl in Biology. Maybe she should try out for softball?”
They both cracked up and I even smiled a little too. I knew Dad would think it was funny. I walked back into my room before they discovered me lurking in the hallway. Dad got me. Mom just needed to relax and leave me alone. But I knew she wouldn’t. It just wasn’t in her.
Dad hit a big pothole and jarred me out of my memory. We were nearly halfway to Frank’s by then. The radio was playing a mix of classic and current Rock. I absently listened and wondered if there was ever going to be new music like that again. I knew people were always going to make music but would there ever be concerts and chart-topping albums again? Would there ever be crazy explosions on stage at amazing sold out shows? What about award ceremonies where everyone freaked out over who was wearing what and the best vocalist of the year would cry as they accepted their golden trophy. Would that ever happen again or would we forever be listening to the same music over and over? A life permanently on repeat would be so boring.
