by Sarah Till
Jenni nodded.
“OK, but call me if anything looks wrong. . Don't go anywhere private with him and don't go back to his house.”
“All right, Mum!”
I knew she was concerned about me and I could understand why, yet I was determined to meet Tim. In fact, my excitement was growing. I took the pictures and pushed them into a drawer just in case he saw them in my bag. I took out my lucky penny and placed it in the side of my purse. 'Everything happens for a reason' was one of Dad's best used clichés and now I found myself thinking that meeting Tim was probably destined. My present suffering now would be worth it in the end when we found Charlotte.
In ten minutes, I was ready. I wore my riding boots with black jeans, a jumper and a red woolly scarf. It didn't look too cold out. It was a dry autumn day, and piles of leaves swept against the pavements by the wind. My last intention was to look attractive. Even so, I decided at the last minute on mascara and lipstick. I didn't want him to think I was overly upset about his psychotic obsessive behaviour. On the contrary. I walked to the park and in twenty minutes I stood at the gates. Tim was standing further down the path in the middle of a huge pile of red and gold leaves. I walked towards him and as he turned, he smiled widely. Once again, my heart leapt and I seriously questioned my reasons for being there. I'd almost reached him when something glinted in the sun at my feet. I bent down to look and a new penny sat in the bottom of a drain. I pushed my fingers in and tried to reach the penny. I managed to flick it upwards somehow and it tinkled onto the pavement. Quickly, I grabbed it with my free hand and placed it carefully in my jeans pocket. Because my other hand was stuck in the metal bars of the drain.
“Tim! Tim.”
The situation couldn't have been any more inappropriate. I was crouching down over a drain, my swollen fingers unable to wriggle free. Now I was still, I was beginning to feel quite cold. Tim ran casually over and his grin faded. The initial romance of the leaves and the smiling and the coy looks had been diffused by yet another emergency. I was beginning to wonder if the penny was really lucky. After all, since I'd started this penny thing all I had was trouble. Tim pulled at my hand.
“It's stuck.”
He was close to my face, a little too close for my liking.
“Fucking Einstein. Can you back off a bit? Please?”
“OK. OK. Just trying to help. Look, Clem. I just wanted to apologise. That's all. I'll go if you like.”
“What, and leave me here? Thanks a lot.”
We looked at each other and Tim grimaced.
“We might have to phone the fire brigade. Can I use your phone?”
“It's in my bag.”
My bag lay about a foot away from my imprisoned hand and he grabbed it quickly and unzipped it. My stomach lurched as I hoped I'd removed all the pictures of Caroline. He was fumbling around and I saw a flash of white as he grabbed the list. He pulled the list and my purse out of my bag and although the wind flapped the white paper and exposed the print, he didn’t seem to notice.
“Got it!”
I finally breathed out as he pushed the list back into my bag and replaced my purse on top of it. He dialled 999 and explained the situation to the operator. My fingers moved over the lucky penny in my pocket as he spoke. Perhaps it wasn't actually lucky until you gave it away. 'See a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck. Pass the penny to a friend, your good luck will never end.' Dad's words echoed in my thoughts as I dithered with the penny. Tim ended the call.
“They'll be here as soon as they can. Are you OK?”
I nodded. I was on the verge of giving him the lucky penny. But was he really my friend? Or was he just a guy I'd met in a club, almost slept with but discovered just in time he had a freaky interest in his ex's hair and makeup? If he wasn't my friend, why was he still here? I supposed he could have just been being polite, not wanting to make a bad situation worse. I pushed the penny down into my pocket.
“Yes. I'm fine. Bit cold.”
He took off his jacket and put it carefully round my shoulders. He had been wearing a grey beanie hat, and he pulled that over my head. I immediately felt better.
“Thanks.” Our eyes met and I thought he was going to kiss me. I quickly turned my head away and pretended to look at the trees. When I had moved away again, I turned back. “So, you wanted to talk to me?”
He smiled now and I gripped the penny again.
“Yes. Yes. I just wanted to explain about Friday. I'm so sorry. I treated you badly.”
I smiled a little. It was good that he had brought the subject up. It saved me a job.
“Yes, it was a bit of a shock to see that girl on your wall. And you called me by her name.” He reddened. I could see this was painful for him, but I needed the information. I pressed on. “It's just that I can't be with anyone who is in love with someone else.”
He swallowed hard.
“It's over between Caroline and me.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“She's with someone else. She's living with him.”
“Oh. I see. Did he move in with her then?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, did he move into her house? That must be difficult for you.” Tim looked confused at my line of questioning and shook his head. It was now or never. “Especially if she lives near you. Difficult. Does she live near you?”
“Fairly near. She lives on Carlisle Close in town. She and Amy have lived there since Amy was born. She was married to Amy's father but he left. I met her just after that.”
Tim was near to tears and I felt terrible insisting he discuss it, but I was so near my goal.
“I expect it would be difficult. I suppose it's like losing a family, not just Caroline, but Amy as well. Did you know her parents well? I expect you'll miss all her family?”
“She didn't have anything to do with her parents. They disowned her when she had Amy. I never met them.”
“No brothers or sisters?”
“No. Just Caroline.”
He stared into the park and rubbed his hands. I could hardly breathe. It all fitted with my theory. No parents, no sister, just Caroline, Amy and Tim. A tear trickled down his cheek and I wiped it away with my free hand. He continued to stare into the distance.
“How long do you think they will be?” He looked at me and his bottom lip was trembling. I knew I was a bitch. Asking him all those questions for my own benefit when he was clearly broken-hearted. “The fire people. To get my hand out.”
“Oh yeah. As soon as they can.”
My fingers were swollen and I put my free hand in my pocket and rubbed the penny. He moved closer to me but I had a feeling it was because he was cold.
“Anyway. We can't get back together now. Me and Caroline. I don't want to. I miss her, of course I do. We were together a lot of the time. But it really is over. And I want to start again. I'd like to see you sometime, if that's possible, Clem. Just as friends, maybe, at first.”
The wind howled through the trees and I looked at him, his eyes red-rimmed from crying over another woman. I would be mad to take him on, even as a friend. I didn't really know him, but I knew enough for my natural defences to kick in. My head shouted a resounding no. My heart, however, fluttered as he blinked his long, brown eyelashes and he moved in to hug me. I felt the brush of his stubbly chin against my cheek and an echo of the sunshine and lollipops song made an appearance, mute, but still there somewhere to accompany my tingling body.
“Let's see how it goes. It's a big risk for me to take, Tim. I mean, with you only just single. Don't you need some time first?” said my head, my heart not quite believing that I was trying to put him off.
“No. I don't need time to think, just time to get used to it. It was a terrible shock. I found them together, you know. They were in the bed we used to share.”
I felt shock run through my body and ended up on my face. Tim clearly mistook me not wanting to hear about my sister's sex life for pain at him shari
ng a bed with someone else and hugged me again.
“Did you? Oh, that must have been awful.”
But, it occurred to me, if he found them together and if she was clearly with someone else, why was he still obsessed with her?
“Sorry. Sorry. That's terrible of me. I didn't think.” A grin broke through and lit up his eyes. “But it shows you care. Don't you fancy me just a bit? Just a little bit? Don't you?”
I blushed and looked at the floor. Now he had my heart in his hands.
“Mmm. Yes. I wouldn't have gone home with you otherwise, would I?”
“Good point. So you were just after my body?” He moved closer now and his lips brushed my ear. “When I said friends, that could be friends with benefits.”
It was so tempting. He was offering me a no-strings relationship, a dalliance with a fit man with as much sex as I could handle to help him get over his ex. I toyed with the idea that I could just do this until I did actually meet the right man, someone who ticked all the boxes. I was still toying with it as he breathed against my neck and twirled my hair round his fingers and the fire engine appeared at the park gates. I watched in awe as three hunky firemen jumped from the machine and strode towards me.
“Everyone OK? Do we need an ambulance?” The lead fireman ran up to us and bent down beside me. He assessed the situation quickly. “Your hand's stuck. What were you doing putting your hand down there?“
Tim had moved and stood with the other firemen. The fireman was tugging at the grid now. He had bright blue eyes and blonde curls escaped his helmet. I went over the list items. Good body. Nice teeth. Medium feet. Wrong hair and eyes. Shame.
“I was trying to reach a penny. A lucky penny.”
My hand was a funny shade of blue and looked quite swollen. He pulled hard at the grid again and it loosened.
“Didn't your boyfriend try to do that?”
He was smiling widely at me.
“He's not my boyfriend. He's just a friend.”
I saw Tim's jovial smile turn to a frown and I smirked at him. The fireman released the grid from the path and placed it and my trapped hand on his knee.
“Fred, go and get some liquid from the machine.”
“Right, Liam.”
I made a mental note of his name for future embellishments of this story to Jenni.
“So, I'm going to need a few details from you. What's your name and address?”
I smiled. He was chatting me up. Sunshine, lollipops and everything wonderful. I involuntarily pushed my boobs out and Tim looked furious.
“Why do you need those, officer?”
I was beginning to warm up now and my cheeks burned.
“I need to file a report. Every call out needs a report filing.”
The needle scratched across the record and he pulled out his notebook.
“Oh. Right. Clementine Clooney. 23 Vicarage Road. I'm thirty-two.”
“Phone number? In case we need to ask you anything else.”
“236596. That’s my land line.”
He nodded as he wrote. Fred returned with the fluid, which smelled like washing up liquid, and Liam began to massage my finger with it. I could have sworn he looked at my face more than he needed to as he balanced on his haunches and rubbed my hands. He began to massage with both hands and I wandered off into a world where Liam was using those sensual fingers to rub my shoulders. Suddenly my fingers slipped free and he jumped up holding the grid.
“Right, lads, she's free.” He gave me a simpering look. ”Someone will be in touch if we need to ask you any more questions about this.”
Tim moved to stand beside me and he glared after the firemen who strode back to the machine.
“Be careful out there.”
His voice sounded peevish and he put his arm around my shoulder. I shrugged it off and waved.
“Well that was odd. This definitely wasn't how I pictured this morning.”
We started to walk and he took my hand, studying it as we moved.
“Me neither. Is your hand OK? Does it hurt?”
“Only a little. Just a bit numb from the cold. I expect it will bruise but Liam was very careful.” Tim's pace quickened and he let go of my hand. I almost had to run to keep up with him. “What's wrong? What is it?”
“I just don't like other men hitting on you. I didn't like the way Arthur kept getting your attention in the club and I wasn't keen on Fireman Sam there. Not very professional.”
I sighed.
“Oh, bloody hell, Tim. You're not the fucking possessive type, are you?”
“No. I'm not. And by the way, I don't like women swearing. I'm not possessive. It's just that loyalty is very important to me.” He stopped in his tracks and piles of leaves fluttered upwards. “I give everything to a relationship and I expect the same back. If I'm in, I'm in. There's no halfway for me. I'm completely trustworthy.”
I was confused.
“Only a minute ago you were saying we could be friend with bloody benefits. Sorry. Sorry. I'll stop swearing. I'm sorry, Tim, but this is getting silly. I'd be taking a massive risk if I carried on seeing you. Surely you can see what I mean.”
He turned towards me and took my face in his hands.
“All I know is that I want to be with you. Come on, Clem. Take a chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained?” My father's third favourite cliché resounded in my mind and I pictured the look on his face when I showed him the photograph and told him about Charlotte. “I want to take our friendship to another level. Let’s break the rules. No three dates. No seeing each other. Let's declare our relationship. I just feel this is going somewhere.”
I looked into his eyes and felt a small tingle. The potential for more information on Caroline outweighed the need to offload this damaged man as quickly as possible.
“Call me tomorrow.”
His lips brushed mine and I responded to his kiss, but my mind was already on its way home to collect the pictures and to find out where Caroline lived.
Chapter Twelve
Home was quiet when I'd been expecting Jenni and the kids to be around. Hoping, in fact. I desperately needed someone to run this by. Somehow, I'd managed to agree to seeing Tim again, even though I didn't want to. Also, I had to find a way of approaching the Charlotte question with my parents. I didn't know if I should just go round to Carlisle Crescent and confront Caroline to see if she was Charlotte. Just the thought of it made me feel afraid. I laughed to myself. Afraid of my own sister. The enormity of Caroline being Charlotte had only really sunk in when I had considered my parents. Of course they should be involved. I decided to call round later. Mum would be out of hospital now and I could show them the photographs. They, if anyone, would be able to tell me if I was imagining things.
I took off my scarf and threw my bag on the table. Reaching into the kitchen cabinet, I pulled out the folder containing the list. I suddenly realised that I still had Tim's hat on. I pulled it off and put it in front of me. It was grey and soft and he had looked cool in it. He always looked just right. He fitted exactly with the blueprint I saw when I imagined my perfect man. I raised the hat to my nose and sniffed at it, hoping to catch a whiff of Tim's musky aroma. Instead, I could smell coconut. It was a distinct smell of the new Australian conditioner that all the girls in the office were wild about.
I'd never tried it, so it wasn't my hair that had perfumed the hat. Turning it inside out, I saw several loose strands of blonde hair. Slightly darker than mine and longer. I carefully picked them out and placed them on the table. Caroline's hair. A shiver ran down my spine as I imagined Tim's Groundhog Day experience with the hat. Once upon a time he had pulled the Beanie tightly onto Caroline’s head to protect her from the cold, just as he had with me today. Had he thought of her when he gave the hat to me? He had seemed much more focussed today, much more able to talk about her, obviously still upset, but he hadn't acted as if he thought I was her, like on Friday. Perhaps he was just hiding it well. Desperately reliving his time with his lost lo
ve through me.
I picked all the blonde hair out of the hat and placed it in a small plastic bag that had previous contained a spare button. I felt like a detective on the hunt for clues, any clues about my sister. I wondered if, should we be unable to find Caroline, the police could analyse the hair to see if it was her. I knew they had taken some hair and skin samples from her room, carefully placing her hairbrush and toothbrush in a black bin bag. The police case had been closed years ago, but would new information reopen it? I suddenly felt paranoid, as if the police would laugh at me for suggesting Caroline was Charlotte, as if I'd imagined the connection. I took a plastic folder and placed the photographs and the hair inside. Now for the list.
The list was fairly crumpled now in the bottom of my bag. I took it out and placed it on the table, smoothing it with both hands. Reaching back into my coat pocket, I took out the lucky penny that had caused so much fuss today. I reached back into the kitchen cupboard and took out a blue jar. It had been mine and Charlotte's 'wish jar'. In there, we had placed all our written out hopes and dreams. A horse. A dog. A holiday in France. A trip around the world. As we grew, we wished for world peace, an end to war, and drew CND symbols and nuclear badges.
Then, the symbolism turned to love. Hearts pierced by cupid’s arrows and strips of paper with boys’ names scribbled and a lipstick kiss. Everything went into the pot. Dad had told us to both ' wish upon a star' and to 'be careful what you wish for' in equal measures but we hadn't really listened to him. Except for the jar being his idea, he had never pried into our world of wishes, our plans for the future, our surety that it would all work out exactly as planned, if we only asked. The slips lay in the jar still but were only partially visible. A pile of pennies covered the paper plus the two I added. Lucky pennies, all collected from the ground or passed from someone who considered me a friend. All but one, the one I gave to Johnny, remained with me as I'd never identified anyone worth passing them to. It had occurred to me that I may have broken the cycle. 'See a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck. Pass the penny to a friend, your good luck will never end.' It was true that I'd had lucky days every now and again but it was the wrong kind of luck. I wanted the lucky-in-love luck that Charlotte and I had visualised in the wish jar. The kind of luck that made a man a keeper, a husband, a father. I'd never found it and now I was imagining that it was all because I hadn't passed these pennies on. I placed the top back on the jar and put it in the cupboard.
