by Noelle Adams
Her voice wobbled slightly at the end, but hopefully he hadn’t noticed.
She wanted to know why he didn’t want her. Why he couldn’t offer her more. Why he was so sure that he couldn’t take the next step with her. But the answers might hurt more than she was hurting right now.
Plus a no was a no. It didn’t matter the reasons.
She reached for her fuzzy-lined boots and pulled them on before she stood up. She smiled down on him, hoping she looked like a regular woman might look after a one-night stand. “I did enjoy last night. So thanks for making sure it was good for me.”
“You’re welcome.” He stood up too. The warm glint was gone from his eyes. He looked sober. Tired. “Thank you. It was the best night I’ve ever had.”
She nodded, appreciating that he’d told her that, whether it was true or not. “Is it all right if... if we don’t tell anyone what happened?”
“Of course. No one will know about it from me.”
She nodded again. Then felt stupid that she couldn’t keep her head still. She found her purse and the box with the beautiful cherry-blossom pendant he’d given her. Then she walked to the door and stood with her hand on the knob. She glanced back to where he was standing in the middle of the floor, his hands curled into loose fists at his sides. “I’ll see you later, Fitz.”
“Yes. Goodbye, Belinda.”
She didn’t like the sound of that, but it didn’t matter what she liked.
Fitz didn’t want her any more than all the other men in her life. No one had ever wanted her enough to take the next step.
Her eyes burned, but she didn’t let the tears fall as she walked out his door and shut it gently behind her.
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS were kind of hard. They weren’t terrible. After all, it wasn’t like she’d been holding on to silly daydreams about Fitz. It wasn’t like she’d ever hoped for a future with him. The whole thing had come out of nowhere, overwhelming her with a wave of powerful connection. But she’d never built her life around any hopes for Fitz, so nothing important had changed now that he’d made it clear nothing else would ever happen.
She was still the same person with the same hopes and potential and expectations. Fitz hadn’t changed that. In fact, his rejection had only confirmed what she’d already understood about herself.
She had family and friends and community. Good ones. Real ones.
But in some ways she’d always be alone.
January was usually cool and gray in this part of Virginia, and this year wasn’t any different. She did her work and saw her friends and visited with her new baby nephew and helped with a community food drive, and she was convinced no one in town had any clue what had happened to her and Fitz on Christmas.
But she was kind of down about it just the same.
Maybe it would have helped if Charles had shown more interest. She ran into him a few times, and he texted a few times a week. They had lunch together once. But he wasn’t making any real moves, so she had to assume he wasn’t all that interested in her.
She wasn’t going to hold out hope for him. And the truth was she wasn’t all that disappointed.
Stupidly, she was a lot more upset about Fitz than she was about Charles.
On a Thursday afternoon, she was working in her office since she’d just finished an appointment with a client. It would be another month or so before she got really busy with taxes, but she had a few folks who liked to get an early start.
She tried to concentrate on what she was doing, but she was tired and restless and couldn’t seem to get rid of a heavy weight in the pit of her stomach. Finally she gave up, deciding she’d take a little walk and maybe stop by and see Ria.
She wasn’t a deeply social person, but sometimes it took interaction with other people to drag her out of the doldrums.
She walked down a few blocks to the park and then crossed the street and walked back to the downtown strip where Second Chance Flower Shop was located. Her sister might or might not be in that afternoon—since she always got an early start to handle flower deliveries, she didn’t always work all afternoon—but it was worth a try.
Ria was in the back room, working on a flower arrangement and chatting with Skye. Luke was sleeping in a baby carrier in the corner, so Belinda didn’t pick him up to give him a hug like she wanted. She quietly cooed over his chubby face and tiny fingers for a minute before she slumped into the most comfortable chair in the room.
“What’s the matter?” Ria asked, giving her a quick look.
“Nothing. Just tired and kind of blah. I think it’s just January. Post-holiday slump or something.”
“Yeah. But you’ve seemed kind of down all month. Is it Charles?”
Belinda shook her head. “Not really. I mean, he’s a nice guy, but it wasn’t like I was head-over-heels for him or anything.”
“He still might step it up. He seems to like you.”
“Maybe. But I want someone who more than likes me.”
“Of course you do,” Skye chimed in. “He’s out there somewhere.”
“Maybe. Or maybe not. Not everyone finds someone, and that’s still okay.” She was reminding herself of that fact as much as Skye and Ria. “I’m really fine. Just kind of blah.”
“I think it’s going around,” Ria said, focusing on the delicate orchids she was working into her arrangement. “Everyone seems down in the dumps lately.”
Belinda hadn’t noticed that, but maybe Ria had picked up on something she hadn’t. It was entirely possible that she’d been too distracted by her own worries that she hadn’t noticed how other people were feeling.
She’d have to work on that. She didn’t like being selfish or focused only on herself.
“Who’s down in the dumps?” The familiar voice came from the back door, and it startled Belinda so much that she straightened up with a jerk.
Fitz wandered in, looking as laid-back and nonchalant as ever. He wore his Army jacket and a pair of beat-up jeans. He’d kept his hair and beard trimmed since Christmas, which was a definite change in his habits. But otherwise he was exactly as he’d always been.
Belinda’s heart was racing as he glanced over at her, his eyes lingering for a few seconds before he jerked them away.
“No one in particular,” Ria said lightly. “Just January blahs.”
“Yeah. I guess it’s that time of year.” He looked over at Belinda, who gave him a polite smile. “How’s it going?” he greeted her casually.
“Good,” she said, holding on to her smile. “How about you?”
“Can’t complain.” He turned to Ria. “You’ve got something for me?”
“Yeah. A couple of local orders came in. Can you deliver them for me?”
“Sure.”
It took only a minute for him to take the arrangements Ria had in the cooler, review the addresses, and then leave.
Belinda slumped back in the chair as soon as he’d disappeared out the door.
She still saw Fitz regularly, and every interaction was almost exactly like this. Polite. Friendly. Brief.
Empty.
She hated it.
She was working on pushing the thoughts from her mind when she noticed Ria and Skye exchanging glances. She knew enough to recognize the expressions. “What?” she demanded.
Ria cleared her throat and put down the orchid she was holding. “Are you never going to tell us what happened?”
“What do you mean?” Belinda kept her eyes wide and guileless, but she knew exactly what Ria was talking about.
“I mean something happened. With you and Fitz. It had to. Ever since Christmas, he’s not been himself. Not at all. You’ll never convince us something isn’t seriously wrong with him. And you... Well, you’ve seemed better than him, but you still seem...” Ria shrugged helplessly. “I mean, what was it that just happened here? You said a few civil words to each other. You didn’t argue. Didn’t tease each other. Didn’t really smile. Neither one of you did. What happened?”
Belin
da gulped, trapped and uncertain. She and Fitz had agreed not to tell anyone about their having sex, so what was she supposed to tell her sister?
“Did he say something?” Skye asked, gentler than her normal exuberance. “Did he... tell you how he felt or something? Did you have to turn him down?”
Belinda’s mouth fell open for a few seconds. “What? No. Of course not. Why would you ask that?”
“I was just guessing,” Skye explained, her blue eyes wide and worried. “It seems pretty clear he’s into you, so when y’all got kind of awkward around each other, I just thought maybe he said something.”
“He’s not into me.” Belinda wished she wasn’t speaking the truth, but she was. “He’s really not. We had a little... weirdness, I guess. But it’s not because he’s into me. Because he’s... he’s really not.” Her voice cracked. In a really obvious way.
“Belinda?” Ria came out from around the table and perched on the edge of the chair next to her. “What’s the matter? Why can’t you tell us?”
Belinda shook her head, staring at the floor.
Ria reached over to give her a sister a hug, which Belinda gratefully returned. She was shaky for a minute, but she got herself together quickly and finally pulled away.
“I don’t know what happened,” Skye began from the other side of the room. “And I can totally understand some sort of weirdness happening with Fitz. He’s kind of a mess. But you’ll never convince me that he’s not into you. It’s obvious that he’s been crazy about you for ages now, and I could see just now that he still is.”
“Skye,” Ria said in a soft, warning tone.
“What? Why does everyone always have to keep it a secret? Everyone in town has known it forever. Everyone except Belinda. He’s into her. I mean, he just is.”
“It’s not ours to share.” Ria turned from Skye to Belinda. “But I’ve got to agree with Skye on this. Whatever happened, it’s not because he’s not into you. So if that’s what you’re upset about, then I think you better go talk to him again.”
Belinda frowned. “Right. I should go talk to him and announce that everyone else thinks he’s into me. That’s going to turn out well.”
“How do you want it to turn out?” Ria asked.
“I really don’t know. I don’t know anything. I just want to go back to early December when I was kind of into Charles and everything was easy.”
“It would sure be nice if we could turn back time. Think of all the mistakes we could take back.” Ria smiled and squeezed Belinda’s arm. “But seriously, think about it. I don’t know what happened, and obviously you’re not going to tell me. But maybe it would help to talk to him about it. If only so you could clear the air and not keep brooding about things.
“I’ll think about it, but we already talked. I don’t think there’s any more air to clear.” She stood up and smiled at both the other women. “But thanks for the pep talk. I really do appreciate it.”
She left the shop, feeling better than she had when she entered, so that was something. But she was still more confused than ever.
BELINDA ENDED UP GETTING a coffee to go from Anna’s and walking over to the park to drink it.
She really should go back to her office or head home and focus on work. She had plenty to do, and if she started procrastinating in January, then she’d be working twenty hours a day in April to get everyone’s taxes done. But the sun was starting to peek out from behind the gray clouds, and the fresh air might help to clear her mind.
She needed clarity right now. She’d resigned herself to the thing with Fitz never going anywhere and sometimes even convinced herself it was for the best. But after her conversation with Skye and Ria, she was wondering if that was really the case.
They were so sure Fitz was into her. They’d said it was obvious to everyone but her. She’d picked up on those vibes sometimes. Of course she had. She might not be hugely experienced with men, but she wasn’t completely stupid. But she’d always told herself he just found it entertaining to rile her up because if he was really interested, he would have done something.
He definitely wouldn’t have told her a few weeks ago that they had no future.
She sipped her coffee and replayed Christmas night in her head, fast-forwarding through the sexy stuff since she didn’t want to turn herself on in a public park in the middle of the afternoon. He’d acted as though there might be a future. His eyes had promised all kinds of unspoken feelings of desire and affection and need that went far deeper than physical.
Then he’d told her the complete opposite. It really made no sense.
She wanted to go find him, make him explain himself. It wasn’t right for a guy’s eyes and hands and body to say one thing when his mouth said something different. She never would have believed Fitz was the kind of guy to lead a girl on, but how well did she really know him?
She didn’t even know his last name.
When a motion from the entrance to the park caught her attention, she turned to look. It was Theodore, Matthew’s dog. She recognized the animal first before her eyes moved over to see who was walking him.
Fitz. And he was looking in her direction.
He walked Theodore semiregularly when the dog needed exercise during the week but Matthew and Skye were busy with work. Belinda had seen the two of them walking around town before, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise to see them here today.
But it was. Her heart jumped and then started racing. Her palms got cold and damp.
Fitz was watching her as he stopped on the path. Theodore was pulling in one direction when Belinda was in the other. Maybe she should get up and go over to him so they could talk while he walked Theodore. Then she could get some of the answers she needed.
Instead, she stayed sitting on the bench, bringing her cup to her lips to take another sip of coffee. She wasn’t going to make the move here. She’d done that before—with other guys and with Fitz. After all, she was the one who had gone to his place on the evening of Christmas. She’d made that encounter happen. Fitz never would have made it happen himself.
She didn’t know what was going on here, and she didn’t know if there was any hope for more. But she knew one thing for sure. She wasn’t going to make it happen if Fitz didn’t want it enough to make the moves himself.
Fitz turned his head away from her, and she let out a slow exhale and looked away. She had her answer then. He didn’t want to talk to her. He wanted things to stay as they were.
It was fine. It would be easier this way. After all, a guy who went through life the way Fitz did wouldn’t be the easiest person to build a future with. He didn’t even have a full-time job—not because he couldn’t find one but because he didn’t want one.
A happy bark pulled her out of her reflections. She straightened up when she saw Theodore had recognized her and was trying to gallop in her direction now, restrained by the length of the lead. But Fitz was walking toward her too, holding out one arm as the dog pulled against the grip.
When the two of them reached her bench, Theodore went through a series of jerky spasms as he tried to restrain himself from jumping up on her ecstatically. (Matthew had been training him not to jump, which he knew now but still had trouble remembering when he was greeting someone he really liked... which was everyone.) Belinda leaned down to rub his head, ears, and muzzle. “Hey, fella. Are you getting a special walk today?”
Theodore turned two circles in his glee, which only led to his lead getting tangled. Fitz extricated the three of them from the mess and then sat down on the bench beside Belinda. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she replied, giving him a sidelong look as she tried to interpret his expression. “I thought you were making deliveries.”
“Just two. Got ’em done already.”
“Oh.”
“Not working today?”
“I was. But I wasn’t getting much done, so I thought some fresh air would help.”
He nodded, looking at her for a minute and then turning his h
ead to focus on Theodore, who was investigating the mysteries of an anthill he’d just discovered.
Belinda waited. Reminded herself that she wasn’t going to make the moves here. She couldn’t demand that he tell her how he was feeling. No good would come of that at all.
“I’m sorry,” Fitz said, slanting his eyes back up to her. He rubbed at his beard and then the back of his neck. “That everything is weird and awkward now.”
“It’s okay. It’s inevitable, I guess.”
“Is it?”
She shrugged. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”
“Me either. But it feels like I made a mistake and that you’re paying for it too. And I’m sorry for that.”
It was as naked a confession as she’d ever heard from him before. He looked stiff. Uncomfortable. But sincere. “It’s fine,” she said, giving him the truth in return. “You didn’t do anything wrong. But I do wish we could magically go back to the way we were before. Because... I liked that. I know I didn’t act that way, but I did.”
“Yeah. Me too. I wish we could go back. I wish I’d never...” He trailed off before he finished a sentence that would have hurt her.
She finished it for him. “You wish you’d never had sex with me.”
“No!” He turned to face her more fully. “That’s not what I wish. I wouldn’t have missed out on that for anything.”
The clench in her chest loosened a little. “Okay. I’m glad. I feel the same way. Then what do you wish?”
“I wish I was different. I wish I could... ask you for more, offer you more. I’ve been crazy about you for years, and now that—”
“What?” She was so distracted that she interrupted his earnest declaration. “You’ve been crazy about me for years?”
He blinked. “Of course I have. Didn’t you know that?”
“Of course I didn’t know that! Why would I know that?”
“Wasn’t it...?” He looked utterly bewildered. “Wasn’t it obvious? Everyone else seems to have known.”
She choked on what might have been a laugh. “Then I guess I’m totally clueless because I didn’t know. I mean, I figured you were attracted since we were so good... in bed together. And I know you liked me well enough. But if you were crazy about me, then why would you...?” She didn’t let herself finish the question. It wasn’t in her nature to hold back, but she wasn’t going to force this moment to its crisis.
