by Noelle Adams
He’d been looking at her in the dark room as she spoke, but at this he jerked his head to the side again. His shoulders rose and fell fast and uneven. “I don’t think that’s it,” he gritted out.
“Maybe it’s not. What the hell do I know? You wouldn’t even tell me your last name.”
Her tone was edged with a bitterness she didn’t like, and he obviously heard it too. “So you are going to break up with me?”
“I don’t want to. It’s the last thing I want. But we have to deal with this, Fitz. I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t just hang around with a guy for very long without the relationship moving forward. I can’t do this halfway.”
“So what... what do you want?”
“I want you to tell me if there’s even a chance of you being all in.” There was a sob in her voice she could barely control. “Because we can’t go on like this for much longer. I’m not going to be one of those women who pretend they’re okay with a half-hearted relationship—because it’s all they think they can get. I’m not okay with that. I want everything, or I’m better off on my own.”
The words hurt her, even as she said them. But she knew they were true. They were right. She’d seen far too many women throw themselves away, holding on to the bare edges of a relationship because it was all the man would give them.
That wasn’t enough for her. Even with Fitz. She’d rather break herself in half now and then start to heal than to have piece after piece of her crumble away, hoping for something that would never happen.
They sat on the bed together, facing each other’s direction but not really seeing the other. There was no sound in the room except their urgent breathing.
“I don’t want this to end,” she said at last when she found her voice again. “But I have to take care of myself too. And if we go much further, my heart will be all in—” She broke off abruptly as she realized the truth.
Her heart was already all in.
She loved him, and she’d just pushed him away, as surely as if she’d slammed a door in his face. No man would want to be trapped the way she’d just trapped him. Especially Fitz, who’d spend the past seven years running from any strings or attachments.
She might have just destroyed them, when all she’d wanted to do was save them.
Or maybe there’d been nothing real to save to begin with. Not if he wouldn’t commit. Not if he didn’t love her the way she did him.
“Okay,” he said, raw and torn. “Okay. I understand what you’re saying.” He leaned over to kiss her mouth gently. “I think I need to be alone for a while.”
“All right. Just... just... let me know.”
Let me know. What a ridiculous way to end the conversation. End a relationship.
Fitz didn’t love her, and she knew it now. If he did, he wouldn’t be getting out of bed and putting on his clothes. Walking away from her. Leaving her alone.
But she’d rather be alone than be with a man who didn’t love her all the way.
In her confusion and inexperience, she might have made a mess of this conversation with Fitz, exactly as she’d feared she would, but she hadn’t made a mistake.
Ten
FITZ LEFT BELINDA’S house, feeling like he was on the verge of a panic attack.
His chest had clamped down. His throat had tightened. He’d broken out in a cold sweat. He knew he was wrong to leave Belinda as he had. He knew he was hurting her in a way he couldn’t stand. But he needed to take a full breath, and he couldn’t seem to do it in her presence, near the broken sound of her voice.
So he let himself be a coward. Just like he’d been a coward seven years ago when he ran away to Azalea. He fled before he shattered into pieces. Before he drowned in the tidal wave of feeling.
He’d walked to her house earlier, so he had to walk home. It was dark and cold and damp and miserable, but the brisk air was bracing as he sucked it down. He walked in long, fast strides until his chest had loosened and his vision cleared.
She’d said it was guilt he was running away from.
She’d said he refused to commit because he didn’t want to feel that way again.
She’d made it clear all the excuses he’d been telling himself for years were lies. Nothing but lies. To protect himself from what hurt too much to accept.
He should have died with his family seven years ago.
If he’d been a better son and brother—a better man—he would have.
But he hadn’t been a good man. He’d been buried in work and unwilling to let it go even for a long-planned weekend with his family. So they’d died without him, and he’d been left alone with nothing but a fortune he hadn’t earned and didn’t want.
Sweat streamed down his face and back, despite the chill in the air. His lungs ached with every huff, so he made himself slow down. It was barely ten thirty, but the neighborhood streets of Azalea were empty. Downtown would be too. The town had gone to bed. Only he was still out, walking home, running away from the woman he loved because he couldn’t stand to lose her.
He couldn’t stand to lose her.
He pulled to an abrupt stop at the corner of Willow and Main. He stood frozen for a long time—seconds turning into minutes until his knees ached and his back was stiff. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. It could have been a few minutes or a half hour or even longer than that.
Because he was finally letting the tidal wave crash over him, burying him in everything he’d so long held off. He stood in one place on a quiet street corner in the dark, panting and sweating and seeing himself for what he really was.
Hal was right. Belinda was right. He wasn’t lost in a complex tangle of grief and loss and history. He was simply afraid. To love. To live life. To be human. To mess up again. So he kept sabotaging his own happiness because he thought he didn’t deserve it.
Maybe he didn’t deserve it. Maybe he never would. But life was offering it to him anyway. Like a gift or a miracle or benediction.
He turned around and started back. To Belinda. To everything he’d left behind.
After a block, he could see nothing but her face, twisting in pain that he’d caused. He picked up his speed as the urgency propelled him. He jogged. Then ran full out. Until finally he was racing back to where he’d left her.
“IT SOUNDS LIKE HE MIGHT just need some time,” Ria said, her face tight with concern as she sat on the couch beside Belinda. “It sounds like he didn’t end things for good.”
“He did,” Belinda choked out, swiping away tears that kept falling despite her best efforts. “He didn’t say it, but I know it’s over for good.”
She’d texted Ria as soon as Fitz had left, hoping that it wasn’t too late in the evening and that her sister might be able to talk to her on the phone. She needed someone. Ria might be married and have a baby now, but she was still the first one Belinda thought to turn to.
Instead of talking on the phone, Ria had come right over, and Belinda had spilled out everything in a few minutes of broken ramblings.
“Maybe,” Ria said, reaching out to rub Belinda’s arm. “But at least give him a chance. He loves you. I’m sure he does. I get that he’s got a lot of emotional baggage, and that can be really hard to deal with. But I just don’t see him letting you go because of that.”
“He doesn’t... love me. He wouldn’t have left if he did.” Belinda was tired of crying, so she took a few ragged breaths and controlled herself. “It’s okay. I’ll be all right.”
“I know you will. But I’ve known that Fitz was in love with you for ages now, so I’m not going to believe that he suddenly stopped, now that he finally has a chance to be with you.”
“How did you know that?”
“How do you think? I’ve got eyes in my head and a brain that works well enough.” Ria’s mouth twisted in sympathy that belied her words. “Just because you were a little blind doesn’t mean the rest of us were.”
Belinda gave a thick exhale, wiping away the rest of her tears with the paper towel she’d
grabbed from the kitchen earlier. “None of that matters now. He doesn’t want me enough to take the next step. I can’t take it for him.”
“No. You can’t. But I still think he might. I haven’t given up on him yet.”
“You always had a soft spot for him.”
“Yes. I did. I think he’s amazing. And I think he can make you happy. So I’m not giving up on him. Not yet. Give him the night to figure things out, and then see what happens.”
Belinda nodded, feeling a little spark of hope despite herself. She knew the hope was probably futile, but she couldn’t help it. Fitz did care about her. She was absolutely sure of it. He’d proved it to her over and over again for the past two months—and even before then.
So maybe...
“You don’t seem surprised by all this,” Belinda said, pulling herself out of that dangerous line of thinking.
“I’m not.” Ria’s dark eyes were wry and soft both. “I knew you two were secretly together. When you both were really upset after Christmas and then suddenly you both were brimming with happiness but trying not to show it, I figured it was the only explanation. He gave you that necklace, didn’t he? You’ve been wearing it all the time, and you’ve never done something like that before. It was obvious.”
Belinda gave her sister an exaggerated pout. “I don’t think we were that obvious.”
“Oh yes you were. You were in a way that I could tell but probably other people couldn’t. But Fitz. He’s been so happy lately it was like he was constantly trying not to jump out of his skin.” Ria laughed softly. “Only you could make him that happy. So I knew.”
Sniffing, Belinda leaned her head back against the sofa and sighed. “If that’s true, then I don’t understand why he walked out on me.”
“He’s scared. He’s confused. It sounds like he’s been through a lot, and he’s never let himself deal with it. Give him at least the night.”
“Okay. I’ll try. But I’m not good at sitting around and waiting for things to happen.”
“I know that. Would you rather chase him down and shake an answer out of him?”
“Yes. I kind of would. But I know I can’t do that. He needs to take the step, or this is never going to work. So I guess I’ll have to wait and see.” Belinda tightened her fingers around her damp wad of paper towel. “It’s like torture.”
“I know it is. You remember how long I waited, right?”
Belinda squeezed her sister’s hand. “Yeah. I do.” They were silent for a moment. Then she added, “You really didn’t have to come over at this time of night. What about little Luke?”
“Luke is fine. He was sleeping, and Jacob is with him.”
“But it’s late. You should be with your fam—”
“You’re my family too,” Ria said hoarsely. “Do you really think that’s ever going to change?”
Belinda shook her head, too emotional to get any words out. She might have managed to say something at last, but a loud pounding on the door jarred her out of whatever it might have been.
She sat up straight with a jerk, staring in astonishment at the front door of the house and then over at Ria.
“Well, go get it,” Ria whispered, her expression suddenly transformed with elation. “You know it’s him. I knew he’d come back! He couldn’t even make it an hour.”
Belinda tried. She really did. She gave a heave that was supposed to push herself to her feet, but she barely got an inch off the couch before she fell backward. She was paralyzed. Throbbing with feeling.
Giggling, Ria got up and went to the door, checking the peephole before swinging it open.
When she stepped aside, Belinda could see it was indeed Fitz who had knocked. He was dressed in his old, worn clothes. His hair and beard were windblown. His cheeks were flushed, and his skin was damp with perspiration. He was gasping for breath.
He appeared to have just run a marathon.
Belinda managed to stand up. She tried to say something smart and sensitive and mature and appropriate. Instead, she blurted out, “Well?”
Fitz opened his mouth and then closed it again. His eyes never left Belinda’s face. They were urgent. Frantic. Wild. He took a step into the house.
Ria was still giggling. “Did you run all the way back here, Fitz? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
Belinda swayed on her feet. Had he really run all the way back to her?
Fitz tried to speak again but evidently still couldn’t. Instead, he gave his head a firm shake and then took three long strides over to where Belinda stood.
“Well?” she demanded again. Somehow it came out in her bossiest tone. “Say something.”
Fitz didn’t do what she told him to do. He never had, and he probably never would. Instead, he reached out for her and dragged her into a hard, deep kiss.
“Okay,” Belinda heard Ria say in the few seconds it took her to process what was happening. “That’s my cue to leave. I think my work is done here.”
Belinda made a whimpering sound into the kiss as her body finally caught up. She wrapped her arms around Fitz’s neck and returned the kiss with everything inside her. She was only vaguely aware of her sister leaving the house, closing and locking the front door behind her.
It was several seconds—or maybe minutes?—of pure joy until Belinda finally pulled her mouth away from his. She gazed up at him, so overwhelmed that she had to cling to his shirt for support. “Fitz?” she whispered. “Are you back for good?”
“Yes,” he replied hoarsely. He kissed her again, hard and short, before he said, “You were right about everything, and I’ve still got some stuff to work out with myself, but I’m not going to run away anymore. I’m all in. I love you, and I’m never going to let you go.”
She squeaked. “You love me?”
He frowned. “Of course I do. Why are you always so surprised by what I say? I’ve loved you for ages. And it’s fine if you’re not there yet or if you need more time to decide if you can trust—”
“I love you too!” she interrupted.
“You do?”
“Yes! Why are you always so surprised by what I say?” She grinned up at him until she couldn’t hold back again. She pulled him down into another kiss, relieved when his arms tightened around her.
If he wasn’t holding her up, she might have just collapsed onto the floor.
AN HOUR LATER, FITZ turned off the bedside light and got under the covers beside Belinda, exhausted and happier than he could ever remember being. He was also clean now since he’d taken a quick shower to wash off the sweat and angst from the evening.
Belinda was already cuddled up on her side, but she scooted over immediately so he could take her in his arms.
He couldn’t see her face, but he could feel her smiling against his chest.
She was just as happy as he was. It felt like a miracle. And it confirmed he’d finally—at long last—done the right thing.
“I love you like crazy, Fitz,” Belinda said, rubbing his bare back with her little hand. “But I hope you’re not expecting a lot of wild, sexy stuff tonight. I’m totally wiped out.”
He chuckled and squeezed her soft body against his. “Me too. Honestly I’m not sure if I could even get it up.”
She bubbled over with irresistible amusement and snuggled against him more comfortably. “Then let’s just go to sleep tonight. If we wake up early enough tomorrow and feel like it, we can have hot sex in the morning.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
They lay in contented silence for a few minutes, and the only thing breaking the silence was the mingled texture of their breathing. He thought about a million different things until one of them came to the forefront.
“I’m going to take back the Sheffield name,” he said without prelude. “As my last name, I mean.”
“That’s good,” Belinda replied softly. “You should.”
“But I don’t want the money. I’m not going to take the money.”
“You don’t have to.
If you’re happy doing what you’re doing, then keep doing it. I don’t care about the money or your job or anything like that.”
“I know you don’t. But I have been thinking. Hal, my dad’s friend who’s been managing the foundation, is retiring soon. He wants me to take over managing the foundation.”
Belinda lifted her head. “Would you need to move to Charlotte to do that?”
“No. I could do it from here.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I think so. I thought I didn’t, but it was another thing I was afraid to commit to. I think I’d be pretty good at it—with my business experience from before. And I could keep my own schedule during the days and still...”
“Hang around and annoy people in town, especially me?”
“Yes. Exactly.” He smiled in the dark. “Wouldn’t want that part to change.”
“Me either. So if you want that, I’m all for it. As long as you don’t think you need a better job or more respectability or something stupid like that—just to be with me. I really don’t care. I love you for you.”
His chest tightened with a feeling too powerful to fully contain. “Thank you. But I think I might... It’s my responsibility. My family’s money. So I should make sure it’s used well. To help as many people as possible. My family mattered to me. A lot. And I don’t want to keep acting like they didn’t.”
“That’s good then.” She kissed his chest gently. Then the dip of his throat. “That’s what you should do then.”
“Why are you smiling like that?”
Her kisses reached his mouth. “I know it sounds silly, but I’m so proud of you.”
Fitz didn’t think it sounded silly. The truth was he was a proud of himself too.
THE FOLLOWING WEEK, Belinda was having a bad day.
She’d been swept away in a wave of joy since the night Fitz had come back to her, so it was weird and jarring to be so out of sorts today. But she was. Fitz had been out of town for a couple of days—in Charlotte dealing with Hal to work out management of the foundation. They were going to work together for the next six months until Hal retired. Then Fitz would take it over fully.
