by Jax Burrows
I love you, Lexi Grainger. I love you so much. And before this Christmas is over, I’m going to find a way to tell you. Somehow.
Chapter Thirty-Six
‘Mummy, get up, Santa’s been.’
Jade, who had been sleeping in the lower bunk in Tom’s room, came through the door, dragging the stocking that she and Casey had put at the end of her bed the previous night. It had been a poignant moment, watching her sleeping in a strange bed and she’d wanted to linger or kiss her cheek, but Casey had whispered, ‘Don’t wake them,’ and they’d left.
Outside the bedroom, he had put his arm around her and murmured, ‘We need to talk. I want to explain about the Christmas party.’ She didn’t want to spoil the mood she was in, which was surprisingly mellow, by talking, and she was scared of what he was going to say. Nothing was going to ruin Christmas for her this year. All the serious stuff would have to wait.
When he’d picked her up from the cottage on Christmas Eve, she’d tried to talk to him then, but there hadn’t been enough time before they called in to the safe house to give them a box of food and small presents for the children she’d been collecting. Shelley was pleased to see them, and they’d stopped for a coffee and a mince pie. She’d looked happy and content with her new friends and hugged them both when they were leaving.
Casey had told her what a wonderful job she’d done with Shelley which made her feel warm inside. They then spent the short time before arriving at the O’Connors talking about the patient who had died. Casey had still been upset and said he needed the drive home to unwind and could they leave any personal stuff until later? She’d agreed. How could she not?
And now it was Christmas Day and, once again, there would be no opportunity to be alone, to sort out their feelings for each other.
‘Mummy, look at everything I’ve got.’
‘Aren’t you a lucky girl?’ She looked at all the toys and trinkets that emerged from the stocking, making suitable ooh and aah noises at everything.
There was a knock on the bedroom door and Casey came in with a mug of tea. ‘Happy Christmas, gorgeous girls.’
They both said Happy Christmas back and he kissed them both and Jade showed him her stocking.
‘Am I the last to get up?’ Lexi sat up and sipped her tea.
The bedroom was at the back of the house and the view through the window showed a thick layer of snow covering the garden. It looked so pretty with the sun shining on it. Like a film set or a Christmas card. It must have snowed all night.
‘Yes, sleepyhead, but don’t worry, everything’s under control.’
‘Where is everyone?’
‘Mum, Dad, and Josie are at church, Riordan, Jay and Tom are making breakfast – pancakes and maple bacon. An O’Connor tradition.’
‘And we’re here,’ said Jade bouncing up and down on the bed.
‘So we are, darling. And I think we should go downstairs now and let your mummy get dressed, don’t you?’
‘Okay.’
‘I didn’t know your family were religious,’ Lexi said.
‘We’re not, but as Dad is a family GP, he likes to show his face at Christmas and Easter. It’s another tradition. A lot of his patients are in the congregation. Josie goes with them to get out of making breakfast. She’s not terribly domesticated, my sister.’
‘I love the twins.’
‘And they love you. And I love you.’ He leaned down to kiss her, and she slipped her arms around his neck.
‘Do you really?’ she said, her tone more serious than she intended.
‘Of course. How could you doubt it?’
‘Daddy, come on.’ Jade was at the door, eager to get on with the celebrations.
‘I love you too.’ She watched his eyes soften. If Jade hadn’t been around she would have pulled him into the bed with her, but he gently removed her arms from around his neck and kissed her again.
When they’d gone, she dressed quickly and went downstairs to join her new family.
*
Tom and Jade gave out the presents, while the adults sat in various places in the living-room, like patients in the waiting room, as Dan commented. Lexi was concerned that her presents wouldn’t pass muster. They were simple, cheap things, but all the O’Connors thanked her profusely as they hugged and kissed her.
She had bought Casey a watch and he looked shocked when he opened the box. ‘Oh my God, Lexi, this is perfect. How did you know I wanted this one?’
She winked at Riordan across the room and he winked back.
She opened her present from Casey. It was a gold locket with a tiny photo of Jade inside. It was exquisite and perfect. He put it on her and fixed the clasp at the back. Then he turned her around and she waited for him to say something profound.
‘Don’t lose the box,’ he whispered, but when she looked inside to see if there was something she’d missed, it looked empty.
‘Right,’ Riordan said, rubbing his hands together, ‘who’s for a snowman building competition?’
The noise was deafening as the younger contingent shouted their approval and Jade jumped up and down in her excitement.
‘Then may I suggest we split ourselves into teams of three and nominate captains? My team will consist of Tom and Jay. I, of course, will be captain.’
‘Okay, then I want Jade and Lexi,’ said Casey as he picked Jade up to stop her squealing.
‘So that leaves the veteran snowman builders and a midwife who’s used to working fast and thinking on her feet,’ said Dan. ‘You lot don’t stand a chance.’
They were already thundering up the stairs to put on their coats and gloves and when everyone was ready, they donned wellington boots at the back door, then ran outside and divided the garden into three.
‘Who’s going to judge?’ asked Lexi, feeling a rush of nervous energy at being on Casey’s team. She’d never done anything so childish or exciting in her life. She grinned at Jade who looked flushed with happiness.
‘No one,’ said Tom, ‘it’s the first to finish.’
‘Finesse doesn’t come into it,’ Casey said laughing as he gave out shovels, small spades for the children and brought out a box from the garage that contained old tatty scarves and hats. The family had obviously done this before and were fully prepared. Was this another O’Connor tradition? If so, it was one she heartily approved of.
‘Ready, steady, go!’ shouted Dan.
There was a flurry of activity with the captains shovelling snow into a pile whilst the other two members of the team tried to make it into something that resembled a snowman.
Lexi was at a disadvantage as she had never built a snowman before. She didn’t want to let her team down, however, so cast surreptitious glances at the others and copied what they were doing. Soon, their mound of snow began to assume a recognisable shape and Casey was shovelling like a demon, obviously trying to beat Riordan. They were so competitive, but today Lexi found it rather endearing.
When the large mound had acquired a small mound for a head, they fished about in the box for clothes for it to wear. They had a carrot for the nose, and small pieces of wood for the eyes; coal obviously being in short supply, then the fun part began. Jade took ages to choose the right hat and scarf, the colours having to match, whereas Tom just shoved anything on their snowman’s head.
Inevitably, Riordan’s team won and the three of them were like football supporters, high fiving each other and running around the garden with their arms out as if they were playing airplanes. Dan’s team came second with a rather dashing snowwoman complete with a large straw hat and a pair of sunglasses. She sported a colourful silk scarf and looked quite the fashionista.
Lexi felt guilty that they came last and wondered if Casey had wished he’d chosen a better team, but he was beaming with pride as he helped Jade choose pebbles to stand in for buttons and found a red velvet bow tie at the bottom of the box. There was no top hat, but their snowman did have a rather natty fedora to wear.
‘I’m so
rry we lost,’ she whispered to Casey.
He put his arm around her and hugged her. ‘There are no losers today.’
‘Well done, team Riordan,’ said Dan, ‘and your prize is…’ he paused like they did on the gameshows on TV, ‘the privilege of loading the dishwasher after the wonderful meal we are very soon to enjoy.’
‘Ah, Granddad, that’s not much of a prize.’ Tom looked disappointed and Riordan put his hand on his shoulder.
‘It’s how you play the game that counts, not the winning.’
Casey guffawed and whispered to Lexi, ‘Says the most competitive man I’ve ever known.’
‘Pot, kettle, black,’ she murmured. Casey grinned at her.
The garden, having been a pristine white blanket, now looked like a bed that a couple had been wrestling in. Or making love. The thought made her steal a look at Casey. He looked so happy today, in the company of all the people who meant the most to him, enjoying laughter and innocent fun. This is what she’d been missing all her life. But no more, she was part of this big, crazy family and she was loving every second of it.
*
As usual, he ate too fast at lunch and finished before everyone else.
He and Jay had helped their mum cook the meal, Jay telling amusing stories of his time in the States. The rest of them set the table and Team Riordan loaded the dishwasher afterwards.
When the meal was over, he was desperate to get Lexi alone, but she disappeared upstairs with Jade to phone Jess and Craig and wish them a Happy Christmas. Everyone else settled in the living-room to watch television or fall asleep. He, however, felt far too restless to join them.
She hadn’t mentioned the note. Had she found it? He’d poured his heart out to her, telling her how much he loved her, how he wanted her. He had said things he could never have told her face to face. He had to find the box.
It was there, next to her pile of presents, but when he looked inside, the box was empty. That meant only one thing, she’d read it but didn’t feel the same way about him. He’d made a fool of himself for nothing. Or, he took a deep breath, she hadn’t read the note as, somehow, it had fallen out of the box. He needed to find it before anyone else did.
He went into the kitchen and tipped the box of paper for recycling on the floor, frantically rummaging through all the wrapping paper, cards and envelopes.
‘Daddy, I’m going to draw a picture.’ Jade came into the kitchen and knelt down next to him.
‘Good idea, sweetie, what are you going to draw?’
‘A snowman like the one we made.’
‘Have you got paper and crayons?’
‘I’ve got this paper, but I don’t know where the crayons are.’
‘Okay, I’ll help you…’ He looked up and saw his carefully compiled love note about to be turned into a snowman. ‘How about we get you a better piece of paper and you let me have that one?’
‘Okay.’ Jade relinquished his note and he breathed a sigh of relief.
*
Lexi had spent more time upstairs on her phone than she had intended. She didn’t want the O’Connors to think she was rude, disappearing for so long, but she wanted Jade to thank Jess and Craig for her lovely Christmas presents personally. It was good manners. After she had done that, however, Jade escaped to find her beloved daddy and Lexi caught up on all the news from Scotland.
Jess looked and sounded happy and strangely excited. Loved-up was probably the only way to describe it. Edinburgh, and especially Jimmy, had obviously lived up to her expectations.
After their face-time conversation was over, she quickly texted Theresa to find out if she was feeling better. She received a text back to say she was enjoying Christmas day with her family and was feeling much better. Her text was littered with festive emojis, so she was obviously back to her old self.
Tom and Jay had retreated to Tom’s bedroom to play computer games. The rest of the family were in the living-room watching Christmas movies on TV. Dan was asleep, his paper hat over his eyes. Eloise and Josie were cuddling up on the sofa and Riordan was sprawled in an armchair with a glass of port. Jade was on the floor, surrounded by white paper and colourful chunky crayons. Casey was conspicuous by his absence.
She went over and sat next to her daughter. ‘What are you drawing, honey?’
‘It’s for Daddy. It’s Santa on his sleigh.’
‘That’s beautiful, he’ll love it.’
‘I’m going to do one for everyone. Tom wants a snowman like the Hulk.’
‘A green snowman, that’s novel.’ She picked up a picture that Jade had obviously already finished. ‘Who’s this for?’
Jade lowered her voice and said in a stage whisper, ‘That’s for Granddad.’ She sighed. ‘There’s a lot of people to make drawings for. I’m very busy.’
Lexi suppressed a laugh. ‘Well, I better let you get on, then.’ She kissed the top of her head and Jade didn’t even look up, so engrossed was she in her task.
As she stood up, Riordan did too, and handed her a note he pulled out of his back pocket. ‘This is from Casey. He’s gone for a walk, but I’m sure you can guess where.’
Lexi took the note. Riordan was smiling and had a knowing look on his face. She raised her eyebrows in a question. The brothers were in cahoots again.
‘I didn’t read it, but I think I know what it contains. Us men sometimes find it hard to express our feelings verbally. I told him to write it down.’
She turned the note over, her heartbeat increasing. Was this what she’d been waiting for all this time?
Riordan’s grey eyes were twinkling. ‘Don’t worry about Jade, she’ll be fine with us.’
Lexi thanked him and went back upstairs to the bedroom. This was something she needed to read when she was alone. As she passed Tom’s bedroom, she heard the murmur of voices behind the door.
There was still enough light to see by, so she left the curtains open and clambered onto the bed, then sat cross-legged in the middle and unfolded the piece of paper. It was typed and covered one side of A4. She started reading.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
My darling Lexi,
There are so many things I want to say to you, I hardly know where to begin.
Meeting you the night of the Summer Solstice Ball was the highlight of my life. I think part of me fell in love with you then – the sensible part that knows a good thing when it sees it, not the angry, hurt, resentful part of me that was to the fore that night. You changed all that. You soothed the savage beast with your beauty and downright sexiness. I felt alive in a way I hadn’t for ages. Then, I woke the next morning and you were gone.
I never forgot you. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
When I returned home to Leytonsfield, a man plagued by doubts and insecurities, the last person I expected to see was you. But there you were, looking desirable in scrubs with those gorgeous blue eyes that had haunted my dreams. Not just you, also a beautiful little girl who, you told me, was my daughter. I fell in love all over again. A different kind of love. A fiercer, all-consuming, obsessive love. All I wanted was to be a good dad, but I didn’t know how. I’m so sorry I keep getting it wrong. I’ll try to be better, I promise. I’ll listen to you from now on – in everything.
The Christmas party. I’m so sorry I didn’t spend it with you. I realise now how wrong I got it. Again. I was trying to back off and give you space, as I thought that was what you wanted, but you didn’t want to be unpartnered that night, did you? If it’s any consolation, I spend the entire evening talking about you. Catalina Martinez is a good listener, has infinite patience and took pity on a lovesick colleague by offering me advice. I hope you get to talk to her one day – I think you’ll like her.
Oh, Lexi, I wish I had the words to tell you how I feel about you. Maybe I could if I was a poet, writer or philosopher, but I’m just an ordinary man, struggling to put his feelings into words. A man who’s lived a charmed life, a privileged loving childhood, surrounded by people who cared about me. W
hereas you, my darling girl, have grown up in entirely different circumstances. You are the courageous one, the fighter, the strong one. I admire and respect you for that.
I want you to know how very much I love you. You have my heart. Everything I have is yours, if you want it, because you are everything I have ever wanted.
There, I’ve said it. If you don’t feel the same way, then please excuse this piece of self-indulgent nonsense. If you do feel the same, then you will make me the happiest man on the planet.
My future is in your hands.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Lexi could hardly see the words by the time she’d finished reading as the room had grown dark, the sky in the distance paling to the colour of the inside of an oyster shell. She wiped the tears that had fallen as she heard the voice of the man she loved, almost as if he was in the room with her.
She had to go to him, he’d be expecting her. Riordan had intimated as much. Casey’s letter had told her all she wanted to know. He loved her. He probably always had done. And the words that resonated in her heart were the same words that Walt Williamson had spoken to his beloved Maisie, “You are everything I have ever wanted.”
Lexi jumped off the bed, pulled on her socks, winter coat and scarf, then made her way downstairs. She didn’t open the living-room door but could hear the muffled sound of the television as the movie still played.
Riordan had said they would look after Jade, so she made her way out of the house via the back door, after pulling on her boots, into the chilly winter air and put her woollen mittens on before hurrying along the pavement, in the footsteps of pedestrians who had already made a path through the snow. She stared at the ground as she speed-walked, her arms swinging, wanting to get there as quickly as possible.
Casey’s house was a few blocks from his parents, and it didn’t take her long to arrive. There were few people about, and the temperature was dropping swiftly.
The house lights were on and the curtains drawn in the large bay window at the front of the house. She rang the doorbell and waited. She stamped her feet to ward off the cold. She was eager now to see him, to tell him she loved him too. He had opened his heart to her, and she yearned to hold him and kiss him. She rang the bell again and then a third time. Where was he? She was sure he was at his house and he wouldn’t have left the lights on.
