What?
“You really think I’m the type of man to walk away from my child? We’ve known each other since we were kids. We fucking lived together for a month, and after all that time together, you believe I’d abandon my child.” He leaned in toward me. “I came here because I love that baby. When I walked through that door, I loved you. But I’m done with this bullshit. If you can’t see who I really am…then fuck you, Trina. You win, I’ll leave you alone, but I will be in my child’s life. If you try to stop me, you’ll see just how organized and determined I can be when I take you to court.”
I was frozen in place, shocked by his outburst. Anxiety filled in my gut that I’d made a mistake about him, and with it, the possibility that maybe I was wrong too about a future with him.
He stared at me like he was waiting for me to say something. For a moment I was stunned, but then finally, my brain caught up with my mouth and I found my voice.
“Don’t pretend that you wanted to be a big happy family with me, Ryder. You’re right, I have known you most of my life. I’ve seen all the women you’ve gone through. I watched you trade a college education in for a guitar and a music career that hasn’t gone anywhere. I’ve lived in your house that is standing up only on a wing and a prayer, so excuse me if I don’t want to pin my and my baby’s future on a man who would betray his own sister.”
He jerked back. I tried to hold his stare, but as my own words settled in my brain, I couldn’t believe I’d said them.
“Why do you have to make people feel like shit? Are you that insecure that you only feel important if you attack others? Or are you just so socially inept that you can’t even try to behave like a decent human being? If you want to go through life alone, just say so. It would save everyone time.” He walked past me toward the front door.
A part of my brain shouted at me to stop him. But the practical part of me knew that this conversation had gone so far off the rails. There was no bringing it back.
The door slammed shut and my legs gave out. I sank to the floor. I wasn’t sure what just happened, but I couldn’t help the feeling that I’d lost something significant. Was he right? Was I the way I was because I was insecure? Was I socially inept?
I shook my head. No, if I was to attribute a condition to my state of mind, it would be living in fear. Fear of being rejected. My mother left and my father was unable to be a significant presence in my life. It sucked to know my parents didn’t care enough to make an effort to be a nurturing and supportive part of my life. There was nothing wrong with me trying to make sure that no one else ever made me feel abandoned, alone, and unimportant. And yet, as I sat on my kitchen floor, I realized that I may have just created the very situation that I spent my life trying to avoid.
I gave myself time to cry and then I did what I always did when life seemed to be reeling out of control; I pulled up my big girl panties and focused on what needed to be done. I couldn’t wallow in my pain or worry about Ryder’s anger.
As I stood, I pushed away my own emptiness and focused on the task at hand. I had a child to prepare for.
27
Ryder
I stood outside Trina’s apartment when the door slammed behind me, wondering if this was how I really needed to leave things. I’d come to tell her I loved her and ask her to come home with me. I’d done the opposite. And I’d done it in a spectacularly bad way. I was mean, letting my hurt and anger get the best of me.
I wasn’t sure what had happened, except something inside me had snapped. Clearly, I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. It had taken ten years and a fake marriage for me to realize that Trina not only saw me as a loser, but that it was an opinion of me that couldn’t be changed. No matter what I did, she’d always look at me as someone unworthy of her.
Well fuck that. Did I have issues? Sure. Could I be more serious and prepared in life. Yes. But I wasn’t a loser. I had enough self-esteem to know that I had a lot to offer her and our child, and if she couldn’t see that, then fuck her.
I strode away from her door, feeling angrier than I could ever remember feeling. I also felt like a fucking moron for thinking I could change her mind about me. I was an idiot for falling for a woman whose go-to behavior was to push people away and treat them like shit. No more!
She wasn’t the only one who could plan. The next day, the main item on my to-do list was contacting a lawyer about asserting my parental rights. Whatever I had to do to ensure I’d be involved in my child’s life, I’d do.
I walked into attorney Jeannette Schmidt’s office the next day determined to show Trina and anyone else who thought I didn’t have it in me to be a good dad, just how serious I could be. Jeannette was a couple years older than me. In high school, Wyatt and I had lusted after her, although Wyatt had been the one to win her during her senior year when he and I were sophomores.
“Hey Ryder, how are you?” she asked as she greeted me.
“Good.” I don’t know why I said that except it was an automatic response. Truth was, I felt fucking horrible. I was so pissed at Trina and at the same time so incredibly miserable that I’d lost her. Except I never really had her, I reminded myself.
“What can I help you with?” she asked as I took a seat in her office.
“I need advice on asserting my legal rights as a father.”
She quirked a brow. “You have a child?”
“Not yet. She’s pregnant and I want to make sure she can’t keep me away from the baby.”
She sat back. “It sounds like things have gone south in the relationship.”
I don’t know if they were ever north. “At the moment, things are contentious.”
“Well, in Nebraska we have the Biological Father Registry. Does she want to place the baby for adoption?”
“What? No.” At least I didn’t think so. I couldn’t imagine Trina putting the baby up for adoption, and yet, I wondered if she was capable of loving a child. After last night, I was convinced she was incapable of loving me and perhaps anyone, although until now I hadn’t considered she might not want the baby. With that said, she spoke of preparing for having a child, so I had to assume she planned to raise the baby.
“The registry is designed to notify potential fathers of legal cases regarding their child. Are you sure you’re the father? You can request a paternity test when the child is born.”
“I’m sure.” At least that I knew for certain.
“How far along is she?”
I didn’t know for sure, but it couldn’t be that far long considering we’d only been together for a month. “A few weeks, maybe.”
“Okay. So, there’s time. You can sign a Voluntary Acknowledgment of Paternity with the birth mother in front of a notary. It can be sent to vital records so you’ll be included on the birth certificate. If she’s not willing to do that, we can file a paternity petition. You’d need to do a DNA test then, but that would establish paternity if it came back with you as the father.”
I sat back, all of a sudden feeling so fucking sad at the state of things. My child wasn’t even born yet and I was in a lawyer’s office fighting for my rights.
“These things tend to be done just before or right after the child is born,” she said. “If you do this, it means you’re taking legal responsibility for the child. That includes child support—”
“You don’t think I can take care of my child?” Jesus, did everyone think I was a loser?
“I’m not saying that, Ryder. I’m just letting you know that with rights there are responsibilities, that’s all.”
I nodded feeling like an ass for jumping on her. “I want to take care of my child. Is there anything I can do now?”
“Is there a reason you’re concerned?”
I shook my head. The truth was, I just wanted an acknowledgment that I was the father. That I was significant to this child. To Trina.
“But I’d feel better if I could have something. Can’t you make some sort of official document that I can sign?”
/> She smiled sympathetically. “I’m a lawyer, I draw up all sorts of documents, but it’s not needed with the other options you have.”
“Okay.”
“Perhaps by then, you and the mother will be on a more even keel.”
I was royally pissed at Trina right now, but over time, I’d have to let that go. I’d need to find a way to be around her in a civil way for the good of my child.
I stood. “What do I owe you?”
“Nothing now. Come back in eight months and we’ll review.”
“Thanks, Jeannette.”
I left her office and headed to the Salvation Station to start my shift. It would be my first as a partial owner. I should have been excited, but I felt like I was living in a heavy haze. I was sluggish and it seemed like all the color had left the world.
The next evening, I had a band practice for the upcoming Harvest Festival. They razzed me about playing for Stark, but thankfully weren’t angry about it. I considered the fact that Stark paid me a shitload of money, some of which would have been theirs if we’d gone as a band. They didn’t mention that, and I hoped it was because none of them would have agreed to the gig. I was the greedy asshole of the group.
The next day, I was on the night shift at the bar, and I did my best to be my same old self, but it was hard. When the after-dinner rush was over, I headed to the manager’s office to hide out.
A knock on my door had my heart doing a flip in hopes it was Trina. As I stood to get the door, I told my heart to shut the fuck up. It wouldn’t be her, and if it was, I didn’t want to see her.
I opened the door. “Sinclair.” See, not Trina.
She studied me. “Everyone is right. You look like shit. What happened?”
I turned away from the door and sat in my desk chair. “Just a lot going on.”
She sat in one of the other chairs in the office. “Bullshit.” She cocked her head to the side and her eyes turned worried. “I’m concerned, Ryder. It’s not like you to be like this. Did something happen with Trina?”
“No.” That was the problem, wasn’t it? Nothing happened with Trina, when I’d been ready to give her everything. I turned away and picked up a pencil mostly to look busy.
“Ryder. Please talk to me. I know it’s usual for me to be the listener and you the talker when all our lives you’ve been the one to be there for me. But I can see something’s wrong. Let me help. At least let me listen.”
I dropped the pencil and ran my hands over my face. “She thinks I’m a fucking loser.”
“Who? Trina?”
I nodded. “I don’t know why I thought I’d change her opinion of me.”
Sinclair’s eyes turned angry. “What did she do?”
“She told me I was a womanizer who was wasting my life and didn’t have what it took to be a good father.”
Sinclair shook her head, and I could see her anger churning up. “Why is she such a bitch sometimes?”
I suspected her upbringing had something to do with it, but I was tired of defending her.
“Did you tell her about the work on the house?”
I shook my head. “I never got that far. I told her I wanted her to come over. I wanted to surprise her, but she was immediately pushing me away, like she does, saying it would be a mistake.”
“What about buying into the restaurant? Your extra savings? Did you tell her about that?”
“I got angry.”
Sinclair’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline. “You? I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you angry.”
I shrugged. “She pushed me too far. Look, I know I’m not perfect, but I’m not worthless. That’s how I felt as she spoke. Like I was lower than pond scum.” I raked my hands through my hair. “Then again, there must be something wrong with me because I fell for her. Why would I love a woman who could treat me like that?”
Sinclair sighed and leaned back in her chair. “Because you always see more to people than what they show us. It’s your superpower.”
“That sounds nuts.”
She smiled at me. “Trina thinks you’re not stable, but the truth is, you’re very steady, at least in temperament and emotions. Most brothers would have been pissed their sister was sleeping with their best friend or their best friend was sleeping with their sister, but not you. You only cared if Wyatt and I were happy. Trina is a fucking nutcase sometimes, and yet, you see the pain she carries from her mother’s leaving and her father’s total ineptitude, and you want to soothe that for her.”
“Not anymore.”
Sinclair gave me a look like she didn’t believe me. “The thing is, what if she did reciprocate your feelings? Are you sure it’s love you feel and not pity?”
“Yes,” I bit out. “But she doesn’t reciprocate so it doesn’t matter.”
“What about the baby?”
“I went to see Jeannette today—”
Sinclair’s eyes widened into shock. “God, is she saying you’re not the father?”
“No, but I want to protect my rights, Sinclair. I wouldn’t put it past her telling a judge I wasn’t fit.”
“Trina can be over the top, but she wouldn’t do that.”
“No. Why not? She says to my face. She actually told me she could raise the baby on her own. Like I’d simply walk away.”
Sinclair swore under her breath. “I’m sorry, Ryder. Whatever you need from me, is yours. I know Wyatt and mom and dad will be there for you too. We love you. I think you’re the kindest, most open person I know.”
“What about Wyatt?”
She had a lovely smile as Wyatt came to her mind. “He’s the sexiest. And he’s wonderful. But you have such a warm, gentle heart. I hate that Trina trampled on it.”
I rubbed my hand over my heart. “Thanks.”
“Let’s talk about something happy. Are you still playing this weekend at the Harvest Festival?”
“Yes. The band and I practiced yesterday. I’m giving them all the money the city is paying us.”
“Why? If Trina thinks you need to be better with money, shouldn’t you keep some for yourself?” she asked.
“I have a little guilt at taking the Stark gig and not sharing.”
“Would they have played?” she asked.
“I don’t think so, but still. Of course, the city isn’t paying anywhere near what Stark did, but it’s something I can do.”
“See. Such a good heart. Trina needs you and it’s her loss that she can’t see and accept that. Somewhere out there is a woman who’ll totally appreciate you. I understand Erica is still available.”
I laughed. “I think I’m done with women for a time.”
“There are women all over Salvation that will be sorry to hear that.”
I arched a brow. “Does that mean you think I’m a horndog too?”
“No. It means you do like what all young single men do, sow your oats.”
“I’m done farming.”
She snorted. “No more tilling, eh?”
I stood and pulled her to me for a hug. “You’re the best sister, you know that?”
“I’m your only sister.”
“You’re the best anywhere.”
I wished I could say that Sinclair lifted me out of my funk, but I was still pissed at Trina. Even so, I was glad to have Sinclair’s support. It was another difference between me and Trina; I could accept the love and support from others. If Trina could have gotten out of her own way, she’d have all the love and support she’d not had growing up. Instead, she chose to push people away. Not just push them away, but treat them so poorly that they wouldn’t even try to get close to her. For that, I felt sorry for her. But I couldn’t linger on it. I’d tried to show her what life could be like being loved, and she chose to reject it. It took me a while, but now I got the message. She didn’t want anything from me. Fine. I was done with Trina.
28
Trina
One thing I excelled at was pushing aside hard feelings and replacing them with numbness. It allowed
me to focus on things I could do to control the chaos that was around me. But at night, when I was sleeping, my dreams were no match for the emotions. All night I tossed and turned with grief and guilt and a feeling that I’d ruined the one chance I had at happiness.
It wasn’t so much the anger in Ryder that haunted me, although that had been a revelation. I’d never seen him so angry. No, what tormented me in my sleep was the pain in his eyes. I’d hurt him. Deeply. It burned in my gut until it woke me with a cry.
When morning came, I’d push that aside, and with my head down and eyes forward, I went through the motions of life. I got up, showered, had my coffee, went to work, came home, had dinner, went to bed, and then did it all again the next day.
Thinking maybe Sinclair was right and I could benefit from counseling, but not able to bring myself to visit anyone in town for fear of people finding out and judging me, I accessed an app that offered licensed help professionals. The woman I got was nice and had a gentle yet direct manner when it came to challenging my thoughts. Still, I didn’t feel like it changed much. My life was still a mess.
Two days later, the mayor called me into his office. I was sure I was going to be fired, even though I’d been better behaved than I’d ever been before. I had to shut down so much that I couldn’t even muster irritation or anger when Brooke asked me for feedback on another task of mine the mayor had given her.
I stepped into his office, and simply stood like a zombie. That’s how I felt. The living dead.
His gaze scrutinized me. “I’m concerned about you.”
“I’m fine.”
He leaned back in his chair. “You’re not your usual self.”
“I’d think that was a good thing, sir.”
His lips twitched upwards. “Normally, yes, but you don’t look well either. Is everything okay with the baby?”
“Yes, sir. I’m just…trying to adjust to everything.”
“I know you like order.”
It was more than that. I needed order like I needed air. I didn’t feel I could survive without it.
Fake Marriage (Contemporary Romance Box Set) Page 38
