"Whoa, what happened to you?” The normal smile that framed her heart-shaped face was missing and her flawless, olive skin appeared paler than usual.
Emily shuddered. “I just feel dirty. Some guy came up to me as we were leaving the restaurant and he practically undressed me with his eyes. I think I need a dozen showers.” She shivered and rubbed her arms as she sat on the bed.
“Welcome to my world,” Jess muttered.
“What do you mean?” Emily looked up, and her eyes were so sincere that a chunk of the wall Jess had built around her heart crumbled, and she found herself telling Emily about her stepfather. “Oh my gosh, Jess, I’m so sorry.” Emily rose from her bed. She crossed the room and sat beside Jess.
Jess shrugged. “I’m kind of used to it. He wasn’t the first, just the worst. The first time my mom fell to drugs, she hooked up with a real winner. He had a temper, so I never knew whether he was going to hit me or”—she stared down at her hands, embarrassed and let the sentence trail off.
“That is not okay. It should never have happened to you. Is that why you’re so… guarded?”
“Maybe,” Jess said, tracing a line on her left palm with the thumb of her right hand. “You’re less likely to get hurt if you keep walls up, you know?”
Emily’s brown eyes stared into Jess’s with a blazing intensity. “I know you aren’t a believer, but can I pray for you?”
It was the second time Emily had asked her, and while Jess still wasn’t sure she believed in prayer, Emily seemed to, and her voice held a sense of urgency. What could it hurt? Jess nodded, and Emily bowed her head and closed her eyes.
“Lord, my friend Jess is hurting because of her past. Please heal her and show her your love.”
As Emily continued praying, Jess felt another chunk of the wall she had so carefully created crumble. Tears welled up inside and threatened to overflow. She sniffed and ran a hand over her eyes, willing them to stay dry. The effort was futile. They spilled out, creating wet, shiny tracks down her cheeks. Her shoulders heaved as six years of hurt slammed against the dam, crumbling it to bits. When Emily finished praying, she grabbed Jess’s hand
“Can he take it away?” Jess sobbed. “Can He make me forget my past?”
“Your past is always with you,” Emily said. “But He can give you a brighter future. You don’t have to be a slave to your past.”
Suddenly Jess wanted that more than anything. She didn’t know if Emily was telling the truth, but if there was even a possibility, she wanted it. “Tell me what to do. I want the peace you seem to have.”
“Just ask God to save you. Tell him you know you’re a sinner and you want him to guide your life.”
Jess said the words through tears, and when she finished, Emily hugged her. Though she was not generally a “huggy” person, she found her arms returning the embrace as a weird need to laugh bubbled inside.
A tiny chuckle escaped along with the words. “What do I do now?”
“Now you read. You learn everything you can, and you try to live it. I won't lie; it isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.”
“What about the emptiness? I still feel it.”
“You have to give that to God. It won’t go away instantaneously, but He will begin to fill it, if you let Him.”
Jess nodded, smiling at Emily and enjoying the lighter feeling. Though the emptiness remained, it felt like a heavy blanket had been lifted from her shoulders.
“Hey, will you come to church with me Sunday?” Emily asked. “There’s a really great college crowd at my church.”
Jess nodded, almost mechanically, but her mind wondered if she would be accepted with her shaved hair and nose ring?
Chad’s throat grew dryer the closer he got to Amarillo. He had been home a few times in the summer, but as his dorm allowed him to stay on campus during the summer, he had claimed his summer work of clerking at a counselor’s office kept him stuck in Lubbock and had avoided spending much time at home.
Though he was coming into town to see Amy, he knew he would have to make at least a quick stop at his parent’s house, but he decided to do it on the way out of town.
He was surprised to see a moving van in front of Amy’s house when he pulled up. Intrigued, he locked the car and walked up the steps. Before his hand even hit the doorbell, the door swung open.
“Oh, hello, Chad,” Amy’s mother said from the other side. While he hadn’t spent much time here, Amy’s parents had often joined them for dinner and festivities when Kyle was living. The last two years had added a few streaks of grey to her chestnut hair and a few new wrinkles around her green eyes, but otherwise she looked exactly the same.
“Hello Mrs. Bledsoe. Is Amy here?”
“Of course dear. She’s in her room finishing packing. It’s the second door on the left down that hallway.” She pointed behind her to the hallway now devoid of family photos and knickknacks.
“Thank you.” Chad stepped over the threshold into the nearly empty living room. Blank bookshelves and a couch were all that remained. He wondered where they were moving to and if the move had anything to do with Amy’s cryptic call.
The second door on the left was only partially closed, but Chad still knocked before pushing it the rest of the way open. Amy’s head popped out of the closet at the slight squeak of the hinges.
“Oh good, you came. Give me a second,” she said and a moment later she re-emerged, a stack of clothes slung over one arm. She laid them on the bed and looked up at him. “I guess you can tell we’re moving, huh?”
“Yeah, where to?” Chad asked. He didn’t really care, but it seemed impolite not to ask.
“California. My dad got a job out there, so off we go. Not the way I wanted to spend my Senior year, but I guess those are the breaks sometimes, right?” A sad smile crossed her face for an instant before she wiped it away.
At least she would have a Senior year, Chad thought. Kyle never got that chance. “Yeah, life isn’t always fair,” he said aloud.
She caught the tone in his voice and opened her mouth as if she were going to say something, then thought better of it. Instead, she crossed to the roll top desk, which was devoid of anything except a notebook. Picking it up, she turned back to him and held it out.
“What’s this?” he asked, taking the spiral notebook from her.
“It was Kyle’s. Our English teacher made us keep a journal. At first Kyle hated it, but then he got into writing out his feelings and he wrote in it all the time. I guess he left it here one day when we were studying. I found it under my bed.” She tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ears and dropped her eyes to the floor. “You need to read it because he wrote about you.” Her eyes lifted to Chad’s, and in them burned an intensity. “He really looked up to you,” she said. “You meant the world to him.”
Chad returned her gaze for a moment before opening the notebook. The first few pages held short, choppy paragraphs, and after scanning them, Chad could see this was when Kyle was writing just to fulfill the assignment. But as he turned the pages, the paragraphs grew longer and more detailed. Near the end, the entries were full pages, sometimes more. The last entry in the book was dated only a few days before Kyle’s death.
I’m worried about my brother, Chad. He used to be so strong in the faith, but college has changed him. He no longer talks about God much and I haven’t seen him pray in ages. Now, all he talks about is girls and I’m afraid he is caving into the pressures of the world. I hope God sends an angel to protect him.
Chad looked up from the page. Kyle had hoped God would send an angel for him? He should have been praying for Kyle’s protection, but as he thought back to his Freshman year, he realized Kyle had been right. Chad had started slipping away from God even then. Not like he had after Kyle’s death, but with little things - not reading his Bible daily, forgetting to pray, rationalizing physicality in relationships.
“Can I keep this?” he asked Amy. He wanted to read it more in depth and it was a link to
Kyle, a side of him he hadn’t seen.
Amy nodded. “I can’t think of anyone Kyle would want to have it more.”
“Thank you,” Chad said, clutching the notebook in his hands. He turned to leave, but then paused and faced Amy again. “Kyle cared for you too. I hope you know that.”
Tears glistened in her eyes as she nodded. Before her tears could fall and encourage his own, Chad exited her room and the Bledsoe house.
He placed the notebook on the passenger seat beside him before backing the car up and heading toward his parent’s house.
Chapter 9
Jess stared into the sea of black that was her closet as Emily dressed the next morning.
“What’s the matter?” Emily’s voice carried over from her side of the room.
“I have nothing to wear. Everything I own is black or holey or”—Jess shrugged—“Not what you wear to church.” She didn’t know much, but she didn’t think miniskirts and crop tops seemed appropriate for church. Tears pricked at the back of her eyes, and she blinked furiously to keep them at bay.
A small, knowing smile spread on Emily’s face, and her eyes lit up. She held up a finger, then turned to her closet. After flicking hangers back and forth, she pulled out a blue dress and held it out to Jess. “God doesn’t care what you wear, but it is important to feel comfortable. It's not your usual style, but the blue would look great with your eyes, and I think we’re close enough in size.”
The tears forced their way to the front and blurred Jess’s vision. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had told her she looked nice when they weren’t trying to get her into bed. “Thanks.”
As she grabbed the dress, Jess turned her head to wipe the tears away before Emily saw. On one hand, it was just a solid blue piece of fabric, but on the other it was a symbol for so much more.
After slipping on the soft cotton dress, Jess looked in the mirror, stunned at the transformation. The blue did bring out her ocean eyes. Her skin looked pale but smooth, and even her hair appeared less severe.
“See?” Emily asked, coming up behind her. “Beautiful.”
Jess nodded, still stunned at how different she looked.
“Oh, they’re here,” Emily said as her cell phone beeped.
“They?”
“Yeah, Chase and Sarah. Jared needed to go in early today, so Chase and Sarah offered to go with us. Don’t worry, they’re nice. They’re both members of the Students for Life group I’m in.” Her eyes dropped back to her phone as she typed back a message.
Jess’s nerves crumpled in on each other, and a small voice whispered in her head. Sure, Emily accepted her, but would her friends? She wasn’t even sure about this church thing and now she had the added pressure of meeting new people at the same time? Was she doing the right thing? “Maybe I should stay home,” Jess said, and the voice agreed. “I don’t even have a Bible.”
“Don’t worry,” Emily said, holding out hers. “You can borrow mine. I have it on my phone too.”
The small voice rebutted: It wasn’t hers; people would know; she could never really fit in. Jess shook her head to stop the negative thoughts and grabbed the Bible. Though it didn’t ease all her worries, it seemed to silence the voice. For now, at least. She ran her free hand down the borrowed dress, though no wrinkle was in sight, nodded, and followed Emily out of the room.
A tall guy with sandy blonde hair and an almost equally tall girl with short spiky blonde hair were waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.
“Chase, Sarah, I’d like you to meet my roommate Jess,” Emily said.
“What’s up, Jess?” Chase said with an easy grin.
“So nice to meet you, Jess,” Sarah said. Her grey eyes sparkled as she shook Jess’s hand. They were the most interesting color she’d ever seen, like the color of fog in the evening. Though her features were sharp, her voice was soft and friendly, and she emitted a calming presence.
“Nice to meet you too,” Jess said but her voice lacked its usual confidence. Fears kept popping into her mind. What if the others weren’t like Emily and Jared? What if they mocked her for coming? Did she really want to give up a Sunday for this? What if she hated it?
Even as they walked to the parking lot, the questions cycled in Jess’s head. Sarah claimed the front seat next to Chase, easing some of her nervousness. Sarah seemed nice, but not knowing her, Jess didn’t want to answer a lot of questions or attempt small talk. She swallowed to ease the knots as she climbed in the back seat next to Emily, but they remained resolute.
A few minutes later, they pulled into the church parking lot, and Jess’s eyes widened. A large white building loomed in front of them, and the parking lot teemed with cars. “There’s so many.”
She thought she had only spoken in her head until Emily touched her arm. “It’ll be all right. We’re all right here with you, and it probably won’t seem like so many inside.”
Nodding, Jess opened the car door. Other college-aged students meandered in the parking lot. “Is this a University only church?”
“No,” Chase laughed, “but they have a great program for high school and college aged students, so a lot come here.”
Several young adults stood at the entrance to the church handing out brochures of some kind. Curious, Jess took one, and the group entered the large, open room. Rows of chairs filled it, and a large raised platform occupied most of the front. A piano, drum set, and several guitars sat atop the platform. Three large white screens hung at the front of the room as well, one in the middle and one on each side.
Chase chose a row in the middle aisle and they filed in. Sarah took Chase’s left side, Emily his right, and Jess sat on Emily’s right, closest to the aisle. As the others chatted quietly, she opened the thin brochure. A listing of activities filled the left side. Groups for men, for women, for teens. It carried into the middle partition.
She couldn’t believe how many options were offered. Jess had thought church was just a Sunday thing, but there was something happening nearly every day of the week. A men's and women’s ministry on Monday, choir on Tuesday, drama ministry on Wednesday, Teen/college ministry on Thursday, and movie night on Friday. The only day where nothing was listed was Saturday. On the far-right panel, a section for prayer requests filled the top and the bottom held a “Staying Connected” card that you could fill out to give them your information.
As people filled in around them, the hum of conversation grew louder. Jess looked up from the brochure, expecting to see a sea of dresses and suits, but men and women alike sported pants, some even jeans. Maybe Emily had been right about God not caring what people wore.
A few minutes later, several people took the stage. A woman sat down at the piano, a man at the drum set, two men grabbed guitars, and four other men and women picked up microphones Jess hadn’t noticed before. The music filled the auditorium, and while the music was not what Jess usually listened to, she enjoyed the sound. She knew none of the words, but her foot tapped along to the rhythm.
When the music ended, the pastor took the stage. As he spoke about Satan using insecurities to pull people away from God, his words hit Jess’s heart, and she remembered the voice from earlier trying to convince her not to come. Had that been Satan? She glanced around to see if others were affected. Is he speaking just to me? The more he spoke, the more it felt like his words were for her alone, and emotion began bubbling up inside. She wiped her eyes, pretending an eyelash or something was in them and hoping no one else would notice.
When the service ended, people began filing out. Jess followed, but the pastor’s words tumbled around in her head. Could it be that she sought male companionship because she was so insecure? Was that Satan attacking her? Even as the group went to lunch, Jess continued to process the words of the preacher.
As Chad sat between his parents and his younger sister in church, a feeling of unease crept in. He felt like a fraud, not having been inside a church in over a year, but his sister had begged him to stay the night w
hen he’d showed up at the house yesterday.
When he’d agreed—only due to his guilt over not seeing her as often as he should—his mother had suggested he attend church with them the next morning. Chad had initially declined, stating his lack of attire as a reason. He hadn’t planned on spending the night and therefore hadn’t brought a change of clothes with him, but his mother had insisted.
Now as he listened to the pastor’s words, he thought back to Kyle’s journal. He had read it cover to cover the previous night after dinner. Kyle had been so strong in his faith, and Chad wondered if he had ever been as strong or if he had been merely putting on a show. He certainly couldn’t remember thinking the way Kyle had - putting others above himself. Chad had always thought about himself first. Why would God take Kyle who would have been a much better example for others to follow?
“You can always come back to God,” the pastor said, his words breaking through Chad’s sidetracked thoughts. “He is always waiting for you with open arms. No matter what you’ve done, God will forgive you if you just ask. Let us pray.”
Chad watched as heads around him bowed, but he couldn’t follow suit. Not yet. Though he felt something, he wasn’t ready to give up his anger yet. God had taken his brother and he needed to know why.
Chapter 10
For the first time, Jess dreaded going to class on Monday. It had been over a week since she had spoken with Chad, and after attending church Sunday, she felt more than a little guilty about jumping into bed with him. How was she going to make it through the rest of the semester in his class?
Jess stared at her reflection in the mirror. Though she didn’t look that different physically, she felt different. No longer wanting to attract men at every turn, she now opted for longer shirts and shorts that weren’t quite as revealing. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to keep the shaved part of her hair, but if she parted it down the middle, it was barely noticeable.
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