by Frost, Sosie
All that remained was counting the days until I got to meet my daughter.
And then we’d figure out what to do from there. Hopefully, she’d be born with a plan, because I was scraping the bottom of the optimism barrel.
The door opened. I tucked the blanket over my waist and greeted Doctor Fawna.
“Is there any way we can start on the pain-killers now? I really don’t want to have any pain…”
I turned.
It was not Doctor Fawna who decided to look me over. My step-mother decided it was time to cross-examine me.
“Mom!” I slammed a hand against the sheet and squeezed my legs shut. “What are you doing in here? I’m sorta…busy.”
“You realize, Aurora…I delivered both of your step-brothers naturally?”
“Oh, that explains a lot.”
I shifted, but my butt ripped the paper as I struggled to sit up. Screw it. I wasn’t going anywhere. Besides, the flash of my hooha wouldn’t scare Regan—pretty sure that’s what she saw when she looked in the mirror.
“You’re wise to ask for the drugs,” she said.
I waited. No backhanded insult swung around. No—I wouldn’t expect you to handle it—or—you could plan for a perfect birth…or you could do it your way. I frowned. Something must have been wrong.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
Regan paced the room. She surveyed the equipment and checked to ensure that the office was tidy. “Labor is a trying ordeal. It’s good that you’re planning what you’d like to happen in the delivery room now.”
“Yep.” I prepared for the insult, the declaration of my faults, the expectation for me to replicate everything Regan had done for her sons.
She gave me nothing.
I clutched the sheet. “Shouldn’t you be…working? Children to save, villages to burn, gold to hoard?”
Regan twisted the stethoscope in her hands.
Jesus. Something was wrong. Since when did my step-mother…fidget?
“I haven’t been a good mother to you,” she said.
O-kay. I expected a journey down the birth canal, not a guilt trip.
This was not a conversation to have when I wasn’t wearing pants—even worse when my butt scooted to the edge of an exam table and my legs stirrup’ed wide enough to give Genie a little fresh air.
“Um…Mom…” I cleared my throat. “Is this the best time?”
“I haven’t been fair to you, Aurora,” she said. “I haven’t been helpful. I haven’t tried to connect with you since learning about the baby.”
So we were having this heart-to-cervix chat right now. But I had to pee. I also hadn’t finished my cinnamon roll before being late to the appointment. And I’d just left the man I loved because I couldn’t stand to watch him bash his brain on the football field. I was not in the mood to Cat’s-Cradle this relationship.
“Well…” I might have been slightly bitter. “You’ve only had five months to process this. I can see how you’d need more time.”
Regan stiffened. It wasn’t kind to pick a fight with my step-mother, but with the gloves tossed down and the legs spread wide, I thought we could handle a couple harsh truths.
“I was worried about you,” Regan said. “And angry.”
“Just say it. Disappointed. I’ve always disappointed you.”
“I didn’t want to see you fail.”
“Good news. I’m not planning on it.”
“I know. I know the woman you are. You will exceed my expectations.”
“No, I won’t.” I laughed. “I’ll never live up to your expectations. But you know what? I refuse to try anymore. I’m going to be a good mother to my daughter. I’m going to provide for her. Love her. Care for her.” I touched my tummy. Genie thudded against me, and I imagined she fist-bumped me back. “I know you had a vision of a perfect future for me—but I know what I want in life. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a mother. And I’ll prove to you I can be great at both.”
“I don’t doubt you.”
“Nothing will stop me from practicing neurology. It’s been my dream since I was a little girl.”
“No, Aurora.” Regan averted her gaze. Was she…ashamed? “That’s been my dream for you. I pushed you into medicine.”
“But I wanted it too.”
“I had expectations for you,” she said. “Rigorous ones. From your education to your extracurriculars to the schools you attended and the projects you studied. I controlled your life, Aurora. I wanted the best for you.”
Regan’s voice actually wavered.
Damn it.
“You know I’m grateful for that.” I picked at a fraying corner of the sheet. “You got me to where I am today.”
“That’s not how you really feel.”
It so wasn’t the time for this—not with the stress and the worry and the baby and Jude. Not to mention the exam room and my exposed baby-cannon poised to fire.
“I’m glad you gave me the opportunities I had…” I bit my lip. “But I know the truth.”
“What’s that?”
“You favored your sons over me. I know you regretted taking me in. You were upset that my father had a daughter when you married him. It ruined your image of a perfect family. We had to compete for his attention, and you knew I’d win, no matter what you did.”
“He did love you. Very much.”
“And then he died,” I said. “And you decided to raise me how you wanted, not how he’d wished. But it didn’t matter. I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t you. I couldn’t get the grades and perform the recitals and do the projects and manage the volunteer work and look beautiful and have all the boyfriends. I tried, but I failed. And I know it disappointed you.”
“Is that all?” she asked.
“No. You’ve always resented that I was the fairest in the land.”
“What?”
I shook my head. “I never wanted to compete with you, Regan. And I never hated you. Hell, if I could’ve strapped on Eric’s helmet and played ball to win your approval, I would have. But all I had was academics, and I did what I could.” I looked away. “I’m sorry if it wasn’t enough, but I’m not going to endure the stress of trying to please you. Especially since you can’t spare a minute to call and ask about your grandbaby-to-be. It won’t happen.”
Regan reached for my hand. I froze.
“You’re right, Aurora. But you’re also so wrong.”
“Where have I heard that before?”
“We aren’t flesh and blood, but I see so much of myself in you.” She heaved a regretted sigh. “I wanted to foster it, make it grow, I wanted you to become the best person you could be.”
“You wanted me to be you.”
“I wanted you to be better than me. And you are—in so many ways. I’m proud of you. I’m proud that, even after what’s happened, you are able to take control of this situation and care for your family.”
I swallowed, my heart straining against my chest. “You’ve never said that before.”
“I know. And that changes now. I’m going to help you with this baby. I want to be a part of your child’s life, if you let me.” She lowered her eyes. “God knows I don’t have a strong relationship with my mother, but if I had put in the effort with her…maybe things would have been different.”
“I don’t know if you realize it, but Grandma Mildred is awesome.”
“I know…she’s the one who told me to come to my senses and talk to you.”
“Doesn’t sound like Mildred.”
“She actually said to get my head out of my ass before you ditched me in a second-rate home once I retired.”
“That sounds like Mildred.”
“She was right.”
I groaned. “I’ll put you in a good home. Jesus.”
“Not about that.” Regan squeezed my hand. “I haven’t seen you for the amazing woman you’ve become. I’m sorry. And I want to change that and be a part of your life.”
And…maybe that wouldn’t be suc
h a bad thing. Regan’s influence made me strong and independent, but not so stubborn that I’d refuse help.
Especially since I needed so much of it.
“I appreciate that, Mom,” I said. “I’d like for you to know your grandbaby.”
She squeezed my hand again. Not a hug, but I didn’t expect a total thaw. I let myself relax.
“Where’s Jude?” she asked.
And then I tensed so hard I nearly squirted out the baby.
How was I supposed to explain this?
I couldn’t come clean about Genie, and I sure as hell couldn’t tell Regan how I’d slept with my attending and gotten pregnant.
“I don’t think Jude…he won’t be around much,” I said.
“What happened?”
“His head. The concussions and all the side-effects are starting to take their toll. But he’s refusing to sit out of the game. He wants to play in the championship on Sunday, and now he’s talking about next season.” The words bumbled out of me, but Regan listened. “He can hardly take care of himself. I can’t expect him to help with the baby. He has to prioritize his health, and I need to put the baby first.”
Regan nodded. “I understand.”
“You do?”
“I’ve told Eric time and time again to step away from the game. He’s had three shoulder surgeries in six years, and he’s lucky he can afford the orthopedic specialists I’ve met over my career. He’s not young anymore, not healing as easily.”
“Eric will never listen.”
“Of course not. Neither will Jude. Football is who are they are.”
“Jude is more than the game.”
“Does he know that?” Regan arched an eyebrow. “This is his life’s ambition, Aurora. Your life is only beginning—finally out of school, entering the medical field, starting a family. But Jude’s only dream is ending. Walking away isn’t an option.”
“Even if it destroys him? Pulls us apart?”
“No. Because you’re the one who will put him back together. Where will you be during the game? Are you going to the stadium?”
“Not as part of the medical team. I’m not sure how useful I’ll be waddling the sidelines. But…”
“But?”
“I have a ticket.”
“Will you go?”
“I can’t watch him do this to himself.”
Regan didn’t like my answer. “You’re going to the game.”
“But—”
“You’re in love with this man. Love means supporting your family, even when it frightens you. If you don’t go, you’ll regret it. And if you leave him—” She paused. Cleared her throat. Brushed a quick tear from her eye. I watched her in amazement. “Don’t waste the time you have with the man you love. I lost your father in that car accident. And not a day goes by I don’t regret that I didn’t take two minutes to sit and eat breakfast with him before he left for work. I sacrificed our final minutes together so I could fix my makeup…even though the last thing he said before he left the house was that I looked beautiful.”
I stayed quiet. We never spoke about Dad. An unwritten rule cast by two mourning women.
“This will be the greatest moment of Jude’s career,” she said. “Don’t let him experience it alone. Fight for every second you have together. Don’t walk out of his life when he’ll need you the most.”
“He won’t listen to me. He knows how dangerous it is.”
“Of course he does.”
“The only thing I’ve ever wanted was a life with Jude,” I said. “I’ve imagined the perfect house with a perfect baby and a perfect love—”
“Stop,” Regan said. “There is no perfect.”
“How can that be?” I asked. “You’re perfect.”
She let herself weep. “Perfect is an illusion. It’s a way to live a life that is crippled with insecurity and heartbreak. I’ve spent my years keeping a perfect house, making perfect meals, raising perfect children, and performing a perfect job. And do you know what I miss most?”
“What?”
“The days when I could leave a plate in the sink after dinner and take a walk with your father. The times I wore only a messy pony tail because I knew he’d always find me beautiful. The mornings when I’d let the bed stay unmade because I knew someone would wait for me in the rumpled blankets that night.” She lowered her gaze. “The only time I was ever truly perfect was when I was with him.”
“I…had no idea.”
“I never shared. I never told you that what I do now, the life that I live, is fake. I’ve been pretending.”
“I understand,” I said. “More than you realize.”
“I hope you don’t, for your sake. This is the flawed life of a woman who never learned to love again. It’s the shell of someone who pretended for so long that everything was okay. I lied to myself for twenty-five years.”
“Mom…”
“No, Rory.” She never called me by my nickname before, but she smiled as she said it. “You don’t want to be perfect. You want those little messes. You want the complications. You want the man you love, despite his flaws and stubbornness. You’re strong enough to survive being beautifully imperfect. And I love you so much for it.”
“I love you too.”
“Don’t give up on Jude,” she said. “No one deserves a broken heart, least of all someone as loving as you.”
I waved her close. She reached out, stiffly, but I pulled her into a hug.
She was right. I loved Jude. Nothing should have stopped me from standing by his side. Not a game, not another season, not even any of the consequences to his future health.
I couldn’t stop him from playing, but I sure as hell could be there to cheer him on.
And once the game was done?
I’d prove to him he had more in this life than just football.
He’d have a family.
23
Jude
The shoulder pads weighed heavy on my back.
I stretched the jersey over the pads. The number thirty-six was emblazoned on the front. I stared at myself in the mirror, running a hand over the uniform.
None of the other guys admired themselves, but I permitted myself a moment of vanity. Hell, I’d trained my entire life for the opportunity to take the field and guide my team to the ultimate victory. If no other memory stuck in my head, I’d make sure I remembered this moment.
But instead of a champion, I saw only the dark circles under my eyes. The tremor in my hand. The scruff on my chin.
I’d lost weight. Most guys did this late in the season. The pain caught up to us, and only the prospect of a championship gave us the endorphins and adrenaline to step onto the field.
And the drugs.
We all loved the drugs.
The redheaded trainer had been an ally this year—treating migraines, broken noses, twisted ankles, and jammed fingers with decorum. I’d spent six months with her, saw her every day, recognized her fiery red hair. I couldn’t remember her name.
But she smiled anyway. Held up the syringe.
“Torodol injection,” she said. “You know the routine.”
Affectionately called Vitamin T, the drug was only way the team could face another bruising game. The anti-inflammatory didn’t take all the pain away, but it dulled the edge. Every man had a bruise on his ass from the injection site, but no one complained. It was better than the alternatives.
I winced as she injected it, but the trainer only nodded. “Good luck out there, Jude. Be careful.”
“Thanks.”
She tended to the offensive line next. The guys already had their pants down for her, but Elle snapped the candid photo before the trainer got there.
“One for the victory party, boys!” The camera hadn’t left her hand all week. “I’ll frame this one!”
Lachlan swept her into his arms. “If you want a picture, Red, all you gotta do is ask.”
“I have enough photos of your ass, Charming.” She winked to the team. “On a
nd off the field.”
The guys cheered. Lachlan slapped his ass and pulled Elle close for a kiss.
I couldn’t watch any more. I had to warm-up anyway. No sense getting claustrophobic in the Rivets’ locker room. I retrieved my helmet and headed to the field.
I made it one step into the tunnel before I found her.
Rory waited for me.
A Rivets’ shirt stretched over her tummy, our emblem encased in a heart that centered over the baby. She’d styled her hair, painted her nails black and gold, and greeted me with a smile that trembled immediately into weepy tears.
I caught her in my arms as she wobbled towards me.
“I couldn’t let you go on the field without wishing you luck first,” she whispered.
I dropped the helmet so I could hold her closer. My hand tangled in her hair. The other fell to its rightful place.
Over her tummy.
Over the baby.
My baby.
“I don’t need luck with you here,” I said. “Doc, I know you don’t want me playing—”
She covered my mouth with a finger, interrupting me. “I have another wish to make.”
I tilted my head.
“My first wish…” Her eyes widened, dark and amazing. She stunned me to silence. “I’d wished to stay in the fellowship. I was desperate, and I vowed to do anything keep in the program. I ended up tangling us both in the best lie of my life.”
“Rory—”
“My second wish was selfish. I’d wanted one night with you. I wished that I could have you, feel you, and take just one moment in time to make everything perfect. And, instead of one night, you gave me five months. And every touch, every kiss, every moment of pleasure was greater than the last.”
She didn’t know pleasure yet, didn’t know how much I loved her.
I longed to prove it.
“My final wish…” Rory’s voice broke. She sniffled. “My wish…”
“Save it.” I kissed her, quickly, fiercely.
“Why?”
“Because my first wish was to keep playing football,” I said. “That’s come true, no matter if it was the right decision or not. My second wish…” I touched her tummy again. “I never wanted a family, Rory. Never tried to find someone to share my life with. And then there was you.”
