“Puto! I could have killed you! Don’t be so sneaky!”
“Yeah right bud!” Diego had been out-pirated, he had to admit it. Furtivo.
“So, how did The Last Human and his pet murder machine get on my new ship?”
“Diego! How the fu… You know what? Doesn’t even matter!” Rick pushed passed Brock and did a little dance with Diego while they embraced. Suddenly, Rick pulled away with a sheepish demeanour about him. “Sorry, we took over your ship and killed your AI.”
“Qué? You what?”
“We uploaded my suit’s AI into your ship, and it took over, it had to destroy the ship’s existing AI.”
“Nooo! Please say you didn't really do that pendejos?”
“What?”
“That wasn’t an AI… That was a piece of me… Namely my piloting skills, navigation skills and general knowledge of the solar system. All gone. Mierda...” Mierda.
“Can’t you just re-download it?”
“I can, and I’m doing it right now. But I was human. I can’t just assimilate knowledge; I need to experience it to truly understand it. Like you” Diego couldn't believe his luck. Que puto dia. And by his reckoning the shitstorm hadn’t passed yet.
“I’m really sorry. We didn’t know.”
“How could you?” Diego paused, he let a sly smile creep up on his face. “That was really good pirating… I can’t stay mad at you.” A collective sigh of relief was exhaled as he laughed.
Diego regaled them with the tale of how he got the ship and attempted to escape by starting a battle. In his defence, he didn’t actually have to embellish much. The story was mental.
“I’ve been thinking about what to name this ship! And I think it’s safe to say that the Universe has spoken! It wants us to be together! And so I give you: The Last Human! What d’you think of that?”
“I like it more than Kill All Humans!” Rick laughed, but it was a short laugh. “Look, Diego, I appreciate you rescuing us, but we’re on a mission.”
“No problem! Your mission is my mission! Plus, these parts aren’t too safe anymore. Diego is looking to get away from the belt.” Rick looked to Brock who shrugged. That meant “fine”. They communicated that way a lot. Diego saw these things.
“Well I guess we have a ship then!” Rick smiled at him.
Diego liked these people. They’d make a great crew. Especially the violent one. The newly baptised Last Human ship continued on its route to the chop shop. The land pirates had a base nestled inside a small asteroid barely a kilometre wide.
Rick commented that it reminded him of the pits. Diego could see why. There was drinking, there was gambling, there was fighting, and there was whoring.
Brock had requested everyone stay by the ship while they worked on it and sold the scrap. Steve filmed as they worked. Diego insisted their spacecraft needed a ram and a spare ram to be stored beneath the ship. One of the several additional sections he wanted to stick on. They needed mining cranes and diggers, turrets, redundancies and extra storage for supplies. Nobody stopped him, because nobody knew any better. Diego knows best. They had to prepare for a long trip and a potential fight or two. If anything this was not enough. More turrets would be good. And an expendable crew would be great. Some carne de cañón. He did have a Brock though. Dios guerrero.
Diego expertly shaped scraps of metal and welded them into place, carefully connecting new devices to existing machinery. He knew exactly what he was doing, he had done this before, many times. Sometimes he’d let someone help him out, but mostly he was content using the shop’s worker bots. Rick, Brock and Moon roamed around but stayed close, trying to look cool while Steve and Gary did their thing. Diego himself was a fan of the limelight. He couldn’t wait to see the clips of him doing pirate stuff.
Their presence had begun attracting unwanted attention. These were not the wacky pirates Diego led. These were killers. Closing in around them.
He issued a blanket warning over neural link, and they'd started heading back towards the ship.
“Movement in the shadows.” Brock had sensed it too. Diego could tell he was attuned to aggression surges flowing through the Universe. He could sense violent intent in the wind. “Diego it’s time to finish up.”
“I’m almost done.”
“I have a bad feeling, something’s about to go down.”
“I know! They won’t attack! Shut up and let me finish. Nothing bad’s going to happen.” Diego hated being wrong. The leader of the group approached. The others were spreading out.
“That’s a nice ship. And I like what you’re doing with it. So I’ll be generous with my offer. You finish your work on my ship then you take the ship I give you and fuck off with your lives. How does that sound?” The speaker’s entourage seemed to think it was a great offer.
“Boss! That’s such a great deal!”
“You’re so generous, boss!”
“Only dead people turn down an offer like that!” The mob went quiet and awaited an answer. The answer never came. Instead, firepower was unleashed. Diego was surprised. He looked down from his perch on the ship and saw Brock too was shocked.
Rick’s voice came over the PA, “get in the ship! We have to go now! NOW!”
The local mobsters opened fire on their attacker. Their weapons had no effect on the spacecraft. Its shields shimmered lightly as it absorbed or dispelled the attacks.
Mom had activated the shields and powered up the drive. Diego joined the others on the bridge, the ship was already hovering and keeping their attacker suppressed.
“I love this new body! No offence Rick but this is better than being in your suit, or in the house! This is the best! I love being a spaceship!” Diego had forgotten about that.
“That’s great Mom, I’m glad you’re happy, and we’re thankful you got us out of that mess.”
“Oh, we’re not out of it yet cabrones.” Diego jumped into the pilot chair.
“What?” Rick stood in the middle of the flight deck seemingly attempting to understand what was happening.
“We are being pursued by a Council ship!” Brock had invested the navigation post.
Rick sat in the captain's chair between Brock and Diego. “So what do we do? Brock? Diego?” Diego was built for this. Usually.
“Don’t look at me. I can’t outfly anyone until I get a bit of time in virtual training.”
“Yeah Rick I’m a warrior, a spy, bodyguard and many other things, but I’m no pilot.”
“Moon, AIs? Wanna pitch in?” Mom was the first to answer.
“I’ve plotted a course through the asteroid field highway to Jupiter. By the time we get there, Diego will have spent enough time in virtual learning to recover his lost experience.” Diego thought that was actually a good plan. Maybe AIs can be OK.
“Yeah but then what? Are we just going to let that ship follow us the whole way?” Rick seemed to think that was insane. He knows nothing.
“We probably can’t destroy it, and if a trained pilot is onboard, he’ll outfly us and destroy us.” Diego did not want to die, he’d just gotten this new ship. “It can’t catch up to us if we maintain speed.”
“Rick we’re receiving a transmission from the ship. And another. And another. They keep coming.” The AIs voice was ominous.
“What are they saying?” Rick asked twice.
No answer.
“Mom! What are they saying?” He asked once more. Diego was curious too now.
“It just says, ‘I’m going to get you, Rick’, over and over again, and laughter. Sinister laughter.”
69ers
Moon was not enjoying herself much lately. She never thought things would escalate this much. It was all surreal. She’d been in so many fights. And a space battle. She was a scientist. She studied the stars and languages. Like most cyborgs, she had self-defence programming, but she’d never witnessed violence and death on such a scale. It was all a bit much.
Surprisingly, Rick didn’t seem as jarred by battle. If it h
adn’t been for him things would have been tougher for her. Then again, if hadn’t been for his stupid show she wouldn’t be in this mess… She couldn’t blame him completely for her situation. Gary could have some blame as well. Why did i ever accept his offer to be on the show? Did I? Moon couldn’t actually remember saying yes. He’d walked her over to Rick and pushed her into the frame…
Moon knew deep down it was no one’s fault. The Universe just liked to mess with people. Moon knew that, and it seemed Rick knew it all too well. She found comfort with him. It appeared he was used to chaos. He didn’t enjoy it, but it didn’t break him either. He’d been shaped by it his whole life. He was a loud-mouthed fool, as Mr T never failed to remind everyone, but he meant well. That much had become clear, Rick Archer was not a bad man. He was just a prisoner of past mistakes trying to free himself.
Their ship’s command centre had a lounge area near the bridge windows. Moon had taken up residence there and peered out at the asteroid field. They were headed towards one of the highways.
The highways had been made by mining and moving asteroids to create straight-ish lines from the inner system to the outer system. This enabled spacecrafts to accelerate in and out without having to course correct all the time. Paths to Ceres had been carved out, as well as several other highways, that more or less corresponded to Terran seasons. The highways were surrounded by a system of shields and lasers that pulverised small asteroids and reflected larger ones. Moon couldn’t help but think that at the rate people were consuming materials the highway defence system would soon be obsolete.
Moon found her companions displayed too little concern for their predicament. By her standards they weren’t nearly bothered enough by the stalker in their wake continuously beaming creepy messages, while they casually cruised down one of the superhighways headed for the Jovian system. Mom had stopped playing the messages. Good, they weren’t helpful, and they’d unnerved her a lot.
Rick was sat in the captain’s chair pretending like he knew what was going on, Moon found it adorable. Mom had displayed their flight trajectory to the Jovian system. It would take just over a day. Time enough to rest. And shower… Finally...
The ship had crew quarters. Cabins! Privacy! The moment she’d found out, Moon had left the flight deck to investigate the quarters. She’d taken one of the officer cabins, and no one had stopped her. She was enjoying her first bit of privacy since the madness began. Her me-time included a much-needed shower and a much-deserved nap in a much-appreciated bed.
She had no idea how much time had passed when she woke to a knock. Moondog jumped excitedly in front of the door. Moon rolled out of bed and walked towards the dog, “open”. The door slid open. It was Rick. Of course it’s Rick!
“Hey!”
“Hey, Moon!” He wasn’t wearing his suit. It looked like he’d just woken up.
“What’s up?”
“I was bored.” Moon shook her head. OK, well you could have just said: “I wanted to see you”.” Still, Moon stepped back and invited Rick in.
“Come in, I was just napping.”
Moon went back to her bed. Rick played with the dog. Five minutes in he was still playing with the dog. Did he come here for the dog? Moon suddenly felt silly. She thought Rick had a thing for her. He showed all the signs. But maybe he only wanted to play with her dog.
“Here boy!” Moondog looked towards her, rolled to his feet and jumped up on the bed. Rick got up looking slightly dejected. Moon giggled. “Here boy!” She tapped the side of the bed and called him again. He got it the second time around. He sat in the bed next to her in what could only be described as an awkward position. Shoulder to shoulder in a double bed that Moon was sure was on the small side. He’d have to lift his arm so she could snuggle underneath. She’d die if he made her ask. Maybe she could nudge him. She nudged him, but her pointy elbow made him jump.
He looked at her like she’d issued him with a challenge. He poked her in the ribs and she flinched. Before she was sure what was happening he poked her again. Then he jumped on her. The dog too.
The tomfoolery eventually wore them out. Rick was sweating and covered in dog hair. He looked cute trying to spit it out. He had the room next door and told her he’d go shower and they could then meet up. Maybe see what the others were up to. He had a bit of a glow about him. He did have feelings for her.
Rick came back after twenty minutes. She hadn’t moved since he’d gone.
“You ready?” She knew she didn’t look ready. Especially as he’d gone and put his armour on.
“Gimme a minute…” She rolled out of bed and looked at the filthy pile of clothes that beckoned her. Maybe she could rock the bathrobe and underwear look? It felt so wrong putting her clothes back on. I can’t. She agonised over the decision while staring at the mucky mound.
“Why don’t you grab a uniform from the wardrobe?” Because I didn’t think of it dummy!
Moon blushed, how could she not think of that… She walked silently to the closet and slid it open. Officer uniforms, officer combat gear and officer workout wear. She looked at Rick and looked back at her choice.
“What do you think?” Not that it matters.
“Combat gear!” Moon smiled. Good. Her safety mattered more to him than her ass.
Moon put the gear on and twirled in front of the mirror, she felt comfortable and safer with the heavy boots and body armour. Rick had insisted she leave the grenades behind. Then he’d insisted he should have them. She’d insisted they stay in the room. The grenades stayed in the room. Hopefully he hadn’t realised he probably had grenades in his room too.
They made their way back to the bridge, there they found Brock, also showered and looking bored. Gary and Steve were working on the show. They were explaining that they’d captured a lot of footage. It needed to be reviewed, edited and prepared to be shared with the world. Moon found she cared about the show a bit more now that she was in it, she wanted to watch.
Rick was worried about their missions. He told Moon he felt all had become confused and jumbled over the last few days.
“Hey, Brock.”
“Yeah.” Brock was sat in Moon’s favourite spot in the flight deck lounge. He too seemed lost in thought. “What’s up?”
“Do you still have Pete’s backpack?”
Moon’s thoughts returned to the Luna attacks for the first time since their occurence. It seemed so far away now. She’d forgotten about Pete’s mission, though really she shouldn’t have, it marked the launch of her misadventures. She hadn’t really paused to think about it much, but now that she did she wondered why Pete had been attacked. Attacking Rick and the show didn’t make sense either. And me? Why me?
“I ditched it, but I have the data and dinos.” Data? What data? Moon was vaguely aware that Rick and Brock were carrying out Pete’s mission. Whatever that is.
“What are we doing about that?”
“You still wanna go to Alpha?” Brock got up and went to sit at the navigation console.
“What else are we gonna do?"
"Is the plan still to find aliens, deliver Pete’s data and report on the situation on the colonies?” Moon hoped it was still the plan. We need a plan. I need a plan.
Rick sighed. “Don’t you feel like the plan has been mostly run for our lives lately.”
“That is an accurate assessment.” Amy had just floated into the bridge lounge.
“That’s right fools.” With Mr T in tow.
“We have a ship now. A good one.” Brock tapped the console. “We couldn’t have hoped to find a better-suited ship.”
“True,” Rick conceded. After seeing the other ships, Moon knew this was a big deal.
“This ship is trackable fools!”
“And if it can be tracked, it is being tracked.” Those two AIs really made quite the pair.
“So if we don’t disable the tracking we’ll be followed the whole way, wherever we go?” Rick rubbed his temples. Moon’s eyes darted around trying to predict
the next speaker.
“Yes, unless we change spacecraft.” Amy displayed the eye-rolling emoji.
“No! You can’t take my ship away!”
“Mom not now!” Moon thought Brock should have tried a reassuring tone with the AI.
“I can look into disabling any tracking systems on the ship”, Mom offered.
“OK good!” Moon nodded with Rick and the others. She liked this ship too.
“And what are you fools going to do about the fool following us?”
“We lose him in the Jovian system,” Rick stated this as a simple fact. Moon liked this assertiveness on him.
“How?” Brock was not convinced.
“Hopefully Diego will know. Or we improvise.” Rick shrugged. Again. Moon couldn’t help but notice he did this a lot. Probably the result of a lifetime of dejection. This would need to stop. Shrugging was associated with defeatism, and she’d had enough of it in her lab.
“I don’t like this Rick.” Brock punched some coordinates in, the lights dimmed, and a real-time holomap of Solus appeared above them. Brock got up and walked among the planets. Rick followed suit. “Right, so, this is the most logical route for us.” Brock put his finger on Ceres and traced the route to Jupiter. “We’re following this highway to the Jovian moons, right?” The question was rhetorical, Brock continued. “Now this is Saturn and more importantly Titan.” Brock’s finger followed the path from Jupiter to Saturn. “We need to get fuel and supplies from either Jupiter or Saturn, and then make a beeline for Eris base and the stargate.”
“Mate! That’s a really long flight to Eris from Saturn.” Rick looked carefully at the map. “That looks like ten times the distance between Jupiter and Saturn… Which is…” Rick looked back at Ceres. “Which is about twice the distance between Ceres and Jupiter.” Rick looked pleadingly at Brock.
“It’s actually twelve times the distance… the flight to Eris will be more than a week, Rick.”
“Wow.” Moon echoed Rick as both were taken aback by that.
“Yeah.” Brock offered a sympathetic smile.
Space Shenanigans Page 9
