Space Shenanigans

by T F R LeBoomington

  Rick fired at him and ducked at the return fire. Brock came behind him and pointed at Diego up on the gangway. He nodded. All he wanted to do is babble on about his heroic fight. Brock’s stern expression advised otherwise.

  The hunters moved forward in unison and Rick followed. They tracked their mysterious attacker to the hangar bay doors, where he was resting. He’d torn off parts of his space suit. He wasn’t wearing a uniform underneath. Civilian clothes. The cracked helmet was still on. They approached him carefully. All weapons hot. Rick desperately tried to see inside the helmet. The figure suddenly straightened. Rick tensed up. They all stopped.

  “Fuck you, Rick.” Their aggressor slammed the airlock button, and the cargo bay doors opened.

  Deep Dark

  Amy screamed. Brock, Diego and every crate in the cargo bay were sucked towards the opening door. Mom had managed to reverse the door’s opening almost instantly. Yet their mysterious attacker was already gone, swallowed by the darkness the instant the door had begun to slide. Rick had followed almost immediately. Everything happened so fast.

  Brock dropped to the ground as the space outside stopped trying to suck him out. Moon and Gary had joined the others, not of their own volition, they’d been pulled in from the shuttle bay next door. They were about done explaining what had happened to them when Moon asked about Rick. Brock didn’t want to answer her, his hesitation betrayed his thoughts. She dropped to her knees.

  “No no no…” Love beats grief, every time.

  “He’ll be fine Moon! His suit will protect him. We just need to turn the ship around and get him back.”

  Diego was already on his way to the bridge. He and Mom knew what to do. Brock’s sensors were already telling him the ship was decelerating. They’d have a pick-up course plotted in no time.

  Brock’s giant arm enveloped Moon, and they walked. All the while he tried to reassure her. It wasn’t easy, he wasn’t in a great place either. His heart had been wrenched out with the death of Pops and his confidence shattered by Spickard. The girl had lost her life's work on Luna and now her mother. Rick, he was sure, would survive; though Moon wouldn’t believe him. He looked around for the dog. If anything happened to Moondog… Best not to think about that.

  ◆◆◆

  The dog was on the flight deck, he’d followed Diego. Probably happy to go for a run. Moon went to cuddle with the dog while he went to talk with Diego and Amy.

  Amy was shouting at Diego to hurry. He was telling her Mom had the controls. Brock told everyone to calm down. The ship was going very fast. About twenty-five million kilometres per hour. They couldn’t just stop and reverse. The holo display showed their trajectory and Rick’s location. Mom had plotted a course that would see them decelerate on a curve looping back towards Rick. They’d have to fire the tractor beam and capture him as the ship’s trajectory straightened out parallel to their original course. It was the fastest, most efficient way of picking him up.

  It took an hour for their craft to loop back. Rick should've had enough air, but Amy was ignoring her logic circuits and being overly emotional about the whole thing. Moon had descended back into shock, and Gary wasn’t much better. Brock couldn’t help them.

  Brock watched the ships’ dot absentmindedly. It moved slowly along their dotted line. The Find My Friend app had been activated the moment Rick was sucked out. His dot blinked ahead, close to where their new course would cross paths with their old trajectory. Diego said he’d fire the tractor beam and pull Rick in.

  Amy and Mr T had headed to the chosen hatch to help receive Rick. Amy had told Diego to not fuck up so many times it had become close to comical. Rick would have found it funny.

  Brock felt useless. Diego was better suited to every aspect of piloting spaceships, and the beam was best left to him. Amy and Mr T were best suited to float by the hatch and use their personal tractor beams to guide Rick in. Maybe he could try to comfort Moon and Gary. They were just over in the lounge. Gary was looking out the windows and sighing every few minutes. Moon had her face nestled in Moondog’s fur, she came up for air once in a while. Brock walked over and sat between them on the long curved couch.

  “Hey Moon, Gary. How you guys holding up?” Neither of them even looked up at him. Brock slid closer to Moon. “Long range scans show he’s alive. And his suit has enough air for a few hours. He’ll be fine.” Brock hoped. He wasn’t actually sure how much air the suit stored. It would be close, but Rick would live even if he had to go in a medpod for a while.

  Moon looked up at him. Her eyes were puffy and red. Little bits of dog hair were stuck to her face where the tears and makeup had smudged. It looked hilarious. Brock buried her in his chest for a hug, before her appearance made him laugh.

  He gestured at Gary to come closer. Gary scooted over in a bizarre mix of eagerly and reluctantly. Brock held them tight and told them everything was going to be alright.

  The three of them just sat there in the big cyborg’s embrace. Brock had never been much for hugging, but this felt nice. He needed it too. He’d cry a bit if he could, but he couldn’t. His tear ducts were long gone. Diego was watching them, a smile had begun creeping along his mischievous face. Brock grimaced. Here we go.

  “You know you only get depressed because of hope. People think things are going to get better.” Brock sighed while Diego paused. Moon and Gary’s heads lifted from his chest. “But they’re not. Things just get progressively worse until you die. You’re supposed to have fun!”

  “Thanks, Diego… Very thoughtful.”

  “Go on…” Brock and Moon shot perplexed glances towards Gary.

  “The truth is time is nonsense, and we’re all already dead. Or being born. Whatever. None of it matters apart from the moment.” Brock was unsure of whether Diego’s tirade had helped Gary in any kind of way, but he seemed deep in thought now.

  “The truth is this isn’t depression or madness. This is grief.”

  “No difference cabron.”

  “Yes, there is, dickhead.”

  “Let him talk Diego. We heard your take. You just concentrate on getting Rick back.”

  “Thank you, Moon.” Brock extended his massive middle finger at Diego who mumbled something about being able to fly the ship in his sleep.

  “I don’t know if you’re into the whole Universoul thing. But I like it.”

  “Science be praised! All is one, all is the Universe… Yeah, I think everyone knows it coño. Just another religion.” Brock smirked as Moon’s eyes shot daggers at Diego.

  “Yes. But ever-changing and based on scientific discovery.”

  “Yeah but a religion. That shit never ends well.” For all his cheering up efforts Brock was noticing anger was perking Moon up far more effectively. He was getting angry as well. Strangely it was also making him feel better.

  “Fucking listen. I don’t care about religion. I care about the implications of some of their precepts!” Brock calmed himself and lowered his voice. “We can only be re-arranged. We can never truly disappear from this Universe.”

  “I like that.”

  “Me too.”

  “Amigos trust me! Hopes are high. Odds are low. Have fun. That is the truth of this Universe…”

  “Story of my life!” Rick was back.

  Brock couldn’t help but laugh a little when Moon saw Rick. She ran to him like her life depended on it. Rick wasn’t ready for the impact, they went flying backwards. She kissed him all over and smudged tears, snot and dog hair all over his face. Rick laughed and kissed her back. The others had to look away, things were becoming indecent.

  “Guys…” They didn’t seem to hear him, so Brock walked over and picked Moon off of him. He also had to wrestle the dog off since he’d tagged-in the moment Moon was off of Rick. “Guys. Later.” He offered his forearm and Rick gripped it.

  “So Rick? How was your spacewalk?”

  “My favourite bit was losing sight of the ship and thinking I’d die alone floating in space. That was just great. Ab
out as fun as repeatedly slamming my balls in a car door.” Brock laughed. He had too. Fucking Rick.

  Moon jumped on him again. He was hers now. Brock wondered how Amy and Mom felt about that. Moon dragged Rick away. Diego was still laughing. Brock shook his head and eyed the Mexican lunatic. The whole time he was being a dick he was also casually handling the tractor beam controls and bringing Rick aboard. Impressive. He started laughing and went to sit with Gary. He gave Diego one of those respectful bro shoulder punches on his way.

  Gary had pulled out his holoputer and had begun working on something.

  “Hey bro… How’s it going?”

  “Better. You got me thinking. The Universoul people say that you're a compound of everyone you’ve ever met. These people’s voices live in you and stay with you as long as you think of them. They exist inside of you.”

  “Yeah…” Brock’s response was cautious. Gary was getting excited again.

  “Well that’s what making the show is all about. It’s about sharing everything we see and experience so that others might gain something from it.”

  “OK…”

  “And Diego is right too. We’re all dead already. We were all dead the moment this adventure began. It’s just a matter of when we experience it. But it’s done.”

  “Are you sure you’re alright?”

  “Yes. I can see clearly now. I need to backup Steve’s brain. Will you come with me?”

  ◆◆◆

  Brock led Gary back to the engineering corridor where their mutilated friend lay. They needed to give him a proper burial. Say some words. They should also do Dan and Moon’s mother.

  Gary got to work immediately. He plugged his holoputer into Steve’s savaged neural port and began to download his friend’s memories. Everything seemed under control, Gary’s professionalism was back. Brock took his leave to go collect Mama’s remains. She’d been shot down somewhere in the cargo bay. There wasn’t much left. Big gun. Little target. Brock gathered what he could and went back to Gary. He’d pulled Steve up to the ladder but needed Brock to get him up. They collected the bodies in one of the training rooms, Gary got Dan’s charred remains from his quarters and came back with his AI and an out-of-place smile.

  “I heard them!” Brock immediately knew what he was talking about. Still, he’d make him say it.

  “Heard what?”

  “Them… You know… Doing it! Sounded like they were having fun!”

  “Good! They need it. We have funerals coming up…” Brock put his arm around Gary’s shoulder and whispered: “shut the fuck up Gary!” They both laughed and headed back to the bridge.

  Diego, Amy and Mr T had a holomap of the Kuiper Belt up. Brock joined them, and Gary went to work on the show. Whatever episodes Gary cobbled together would be interesting.

  The Last Human had entered the belt a day ago and was halfway through, near the end of their hellish journey. This part at least.

  Brock turned his attention to the discussion at hand. It was about where to stop next. The ship needed minor repairs, spare parts, supplies and more food. They were also unsure of what had been lost in the cargo bay incident. There was also the matter of potential hacks in the system. Gifts left by their visitor. All that and the need to get the fuck out and go for a walk. They agreed on a small network of stations on the edge of the belt.

  “Hey, guys…” Gary was pallid. “I found a message embedded in Steve’s brain…” He beamed the message over to Mom so she could play it on the PA.

  “Hi, Rick… I’ve been watching you…” Dave…That surprise sucked an entire ass.

  Brock reflexively turned half-expecting to see Rick in the doorway. It all made sense now. That maniac had been tormenting them this whole time. The disturbing message continued while Brock regularly turned to see if Rick had walked in. “So you’ve found my little hideout? You definitely didn’t get me though. Maybe you think you did. But you didn’t. I’ll be back.” Maniacal laughter punctuated the message here and there. It gave Brock the shivers. “Do you like what I did to your camera friend?" Another bout of laughter, this one longer and more disturbed. The message cut to Dave talking to someone. “Don’t be scared. I’ll comfort you. I said don’t be afraid. Don’t look at me like that!” Anger in the voice now. “I like your robot face. I want it. I want your robot teeth, and your eyes! I’m going to make a necklace. I’ll wear it every day!” The laughter, child-like, then the anger again. “Why are you crawling away from me? WHY ARE YOU CRAWLING AWAY FROM ME?” The voice roared. It made Gary jump. “Thank you. I just want to talk. Stop it. STOP MOVING. I SAID STOP. Why are you making that face? I hate the smell of robot blood. Metallic. Oily. But yours is nice. It makes pretty shapes on the floor. It glows in the lights. There’ too much of those. Maybe you can help me make some changes around here…” The message cut and Dave went back to addressing Rick. "Did you like that Rick? I’m going to do the same to your girlfriend.” That laugh again. “I recorded her for you. Do you want to hear?” The scream sent shivers down Brock’s spine. It was definitely Moon. There was barking and the sound of Rick running and calling to her. “I didn’t get her that time. But there’s always next time...”

  The message ended there. Brock pondered it quietly. They’d just heard Steve’s murder. And it was clear they had also heard Moon’s attempted murder. It was probably for the best Rick and Moon didn’t hear the message. Dave was dead. Brock had seen him get sucked out into nothingness. Unless… No…

  “Well, that guy was fucking loco!”

  “Yeah…” Gary went back to his holoputer. Looking at him Brock feared his state of mind would worsen.

  Moon and Rick definitely did not need to hear this message. Not yet anyway.

  Mega Prime

  Mega Prime looked on with pride at the greatest enterprise ever attempted by living creatures. As far as he knew anyway. This would be observable from far away. If living beings far away had the right tech, were are on the right plane, at the right angle, and had the appropriate senses to interpret humanoid activity. Then at some point, whenever the light reached them, they would know what was attempted here.

  When Mega was born in the eighties, the habitability of extra-terrestrial bodies was hotly debated and still very uncertain. People weren’t even sure if there were planets around other stars or whether the solar system might be a one-off. That was how Solus had gotten its name, the lone star, the lone system, the lone people.

  Everyone now knew the universe was littered with solar systems and their planets. Mega was interested in all these planets, he wanted to see them all. But his work was important too. Besides he’d live as long as he wished to in this form. As long as he played his cards right, he’d live long enough to find humanity’s mysterious benefactors.

  The Moonbase was a great gift, but the works begun on the edges of Solus transcended what people thought was possible. Though scientists still knew little about these lifeforms they had learnt much from the machines and grand works left behind.

  Mega had often tried to imagine what these aliens might look like. Understanding of Terran extremophiles had led to the expansion of the criteria range for life-supporting environments, but any life found in extreme conditions would not be human or even human-like. Would they even be able to communicate? With a machine maybe? That was Mega’s thinking anyway.

  From an early age, Mega had wanted to become a machine and explore the heavens. Already then, deep down, everybody knew humans could never survive the rigours of space. They were weak, cyborgs were better, and mutants were good too. But in Mega’s mind, nothing came close to the practicality of a giant robot. He was about fifty metres tall in his current form. Not only was Mega space-proof; he was a spaceship. He was also a weapon of mass destruction.

  Old converted battlebots had found a new lease on life on the outskirts of Solus. Their considerable size made them formidable workers in the giant space factories. Since their ban in the thirties, most of them had made their way out here.


  Mega had bought his body on the Ceresian black market, it’d cost him a lot. Almost everything he had left at that time. He’d left Terra in a hurry and needed a new body. A good body. The kind of body people would think twice about fucking with. Unfuckwithable. That is what he’d become. Mega Fucking Prime.

  For a long time, astronomers had wondered why so much of the Kuiper belt’s mass was missing. They got their answer when the first nanocraft fleet passed the belt on its way to building the homegate on the spacetime anomaly. Someone had been harvesting the materials to make what seemed like panels for a Dyson swarm. Or at least that’s what the transhumans who picked up the project decided.

  When Mega heard about the Eris project, he knew he had to go and see it for himself. He’d been here for close to twenty years now and had left a lot behind. But this project had made him feel alive again. The years had passed without his realising. He’s was seventy-two. He was old as fuck. But he’d live forever.

  Mega had started off as a simple helper, he was no scientist and had no experience in the astroengineering industry. But he was big. A big friendly robot made friends quickly. Very quickly. Having the biggest baddest robot body on the block made Mega the de-facto leader of the billion-strong robot workforce.

  Like everywhere else in Solus, free and independent enterprise was the word. People banded together and did what they wanted to survive. The nutcases on the outskirts of Solus had joined forces to carry on the surmised work of the ancient aliens.

  Mega led the brawn of this craziest of initiatives. His workforce had been busy cannibalising Eris and Dysomnia, as well as the rest of the belt to create a Dyson swarm. The brains of the operation wanted to use the swarm to encase a stellar nucleosynthesis reactor. This new homemade star would take on the name and spot of Eris in the system.