by J. S. Cooper
“Night, Sage,” he said softly. “No good night kiss or cuddle then?”
“As if.” I snorted in derision at his comment, though inside my heart was racing. It would be amazing to have a kiss and a cuddle. My whole body wanted nothing more. But I was not going to let my body tempt me and revolt against me. I was not going to let my body betray me and do things that I didn’t want to do.
“Good night, sweet Sage,” Jacob said, and I closed my eyes and tried to relax, even though I could feel his body heat right next to mine.
I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to ignore the urge to turn around and grab ahold of him. My body was feeling hot and I just wanted to touch his skin, run my fingers along his chest and his arms. I wanted to feel his muscles. I wanted to feel him against me. I didn’t know why the feelings were so strong in me. I wanted to, and I blushed when the thoughts hit my brain, I wanted to feel him inside of me. I’d never had sex before. I didn’t even know what it felt like, but I knew that I wanted to make love to Jacob.
Even though I hated him and hadn’t seen him in years, my body, my heart, my soul. Everything about him made me want him. Absolutely everything. I felt betrayed by my entire body and at that moment I didn’t even care. I just didn’t care. I stretched in the bed and my body immediately caught on fire as I felt his body brushing up against mine. I felt his legs warm next to mine and I rested my thigh back on his for a few seconds before pulling away quickly.
“You don’t have to pull away,” he whispered softly, and I felt his arm moving as his hand landed on the side of my waist. His fingers ran down the front of my body and I felt them moving across my stomach and then tracing the line of my hip.
Oh God, I felt like I was about to faint. I knew I should stop him, but I didn’t want to lose his touch from my body. Even though his fingers weren’t on my bare skin, I felt like he was fusing his body with mine. I didn’t even understand how it was possible to feel this way about someone I hated so much. Though inside I knew I didn’t really hate him. I loved him. Still. Always had. Always would, I supposed. Yet, I wouldn’t let him know that. Not after he’d broken my heart and not cared anything about it.
My breath caught as I thought about how he’d treated me. I could feel a tear sliding out of my eye as confusion wracked through me. What was going on here? Why had he come back into my life? Why was God doing this to me? Hadn’t I gone through enough? When was I going to finally just have some good luck?
Why couldn’t I meet someone that would love me for everything that I was? Why couldn’t I meet someone that thought I was everything to them? Someone that would never want to let me go. That’s all I wanted.
I shifted away from Jacob abruptly as I felt his hands going to my stomach again. Who the hell did he think he was? I was starting to get angry again. I turned around and faced him, my face red as my body reacted to him in ways I didn’t know were possible.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I snarled at him.
“Sorry, what?” He blinked, but he had the decency to look sheepish as he stared back at me.
“Why are you touching me?” I growled.
“I, uh . . .” His words dried up. “Sorry. I guess I was just remembering old times.” He gave me a half-smile. “You used to like it when I held you.”
“That was ages ago.” I stared at him with my best Death Star stare, like I was some Jedi and Darth Vader was behind me. “I haven’t seen you in years. You’re like a stranger to me. I don’t know you and I sure as hell don’t want you touching me.”
“Sorry, I promise it won’t happen again.”
“You better make sure it doesn’t.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “You might wind up with no hands left.”
“No hands left?”
“Well, I should clarify. You might end up with no fingers left. I will chop them off if they touch me again.”
“Oh yeah?” He laughed, and his blue eyes sparkled as he stared at me. I tried to not get too lost in his gaze, but his stare was so mesmerizing that it almost made me forget who I was. “With what?”
“You don’t even wanna know.”
“I do want to know.”
“A knife!”
“A knife?” He nodded solemnly. “That would hurt.”
“You better believe it will hurt.”
“I guess I should stick to my side of the bed then.” He moved all the way to the edge and put his arms above his head. “I would like to keep all my fingers.”
“Smart guy,” I said and while I felt disappointed that he had moved away, I was happy that he hadn’t tried to get any closer. I was conflicted in my feelings toward him and what I wanted.
“Can I get a reward?”
“A reward for what?” I shook my head at him, feeling exasperated.
“For moving away from you.”
“What? Why would I reward you for that?”
“To show me that you recognize I’m respecting your wishes.”
“Jacob, are you frigging joking me?” My jaw dropped at him. “You are the most ridiculous man, I know. You know that, right?”
“How many men do you know?” His voice deepened suddenly, and his stare turned darker.
“Many,” I said with a sly smile. “Many, many.”
“Many, many, huh?” His voice didn’t sound amused.
“Yes, I have many admirers and men.”
“You what?”
“I’m a worldly woman.” I gave him a wide smile. “But I don’t really like to kiss and tell.”
“Oh, you kiss a lot of guys then.”
“Perhaps,” I lied, feeling a thrill at the angry look on his face. Take that, Jacob. I wasn’t just sitting around waiting for you to come back into my life.
“Do they kiss you as well as this?” he said and before I knew it, he had moved back over to me, reached his hands behind my ears, brought my face toward his and landed his lips on mine firmly, but softly. I felt like I died and went to heaven in that moment. His lips were commanding and sensual and I felt myself melting into him as I involuntarily kissed him back. I reached my arms around his neck and my fingers found their way to his silky locks and massaged his scalp. His tongue pressed against my lips, seeking entry, and I moaned as I felt his warm tongue tender against mine, kissing me firmly. He pulled my body toward his and rolled over so that he was on top of me. My legs parted, and he stroked the side of my face, his eyes gazing down into mine, with such deep dark desire that my body shivered in response. I stared into his eyes as he kissed me, and my heart raced as if it were in the Daytona 500. I could feel myself starting to feel like another presence was taking over my body. A happy presence. A presence that had totally forgotten what a total fuckboy Jacob really was. I hated my body for betraying me. I needed to instill it in every part of my being that Jacob sucked and was a huge asshole and he didn’t even deserve a smile off of my lips; let alone anything else.
But oh man, it was so hard to remind myself of the fact that I hated him when his warm hard body was pressed against mine. I was feeling things inside that I’d never felt before and I just wanted to melt into him. I closed my eyes to try and stop the thoughts that were running around in my head. And then the unbelievable happened; Jacob pulled away from me and as my eyes popped open, I stared at him in shock.
“This isn’t a good idea.” He groaned as he pulled away from me. “Sorry, Sage.”
“What?” My jaw dropped open. Was he joking me right now? “Are you serious?” I blinked at him, my face turning red and hot. Was I a bad kisser or something? And if anyone should have been pulling away, it should have been me.
“I’m sorry, Sage. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It wasn’t appropriate.”
“You what?” I said, sounding stupid to my own ears. I know I sounded like I was shocked because I was. What did he mean he shouldn’t have kissed me? Wasn’t that my line?
“I shouldn’t have kissed you.” He sighed as he gazed at me. “Please accept my apologies.”
<
br /> “Your apologies?” My jaw dropped. My brain was still reeling from the kiss and I was having trouble concentrating on the words that were coming out of his mouth.
“I should go to the couch,” he said and jumped out of the bed so quickly that it felt like a sudden cold wave had hit me. “Have a good night, Sage. I’ll see you in the morning.” He walked out of the bedroom so abruptly that all I could think was that my kisses had been lame, and he’d realized that he wanted nothing to do with me. I knew I should be happy. I knew that the last thing I wanted was for him to be kissing me, but as I lay there in the bed, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to be there lying in his arms.
Chapter Thirteen
Sage
“Do you remember that song ‘Stuck On You’?” Jacob asked me as we sat across from each other at the coffee shop the next morning. I was still feeling annoyed and upset, but I was determined to not let him know. I had a month to spend with him. It would be miserable if we couldn’t even communicate without me feeling pissed off.
“No, not really.” I shook my head as I lied and stared up at the ceiling. How could I forget it? It was the song he’d sung to me the first night we’d kissed. The night when I’d believed any and everything was possible in life.
“You don’t remember? It was a Lionel Ritchie song.” His eyes narrowed as he gazed at me. I could see a slight hurt in his gaze and for some horrible reason that made me feel good.
“Sorry, no.”
“Stuck on you,” he sang, and my heart started to flutter as memories hit me. I looked up into his eyes then and he was staring at me with a searching gaze. Suddenly I was transported to a happier time. A time when he truly was someone I loved and felt loved me.
“Sounds vaguely familiar.” I shrugged, my stomach feeling tight and my face warm. Why was he doing this to me? Why was he reminding me of things I didn’t want to be reminded of? Especially after last night and his rejection.
“I’ve been stuck on you for a long time, Sage.” He blinked as he spoke and for a second it seemed to me that he wasn’t as confident as he’d always seemed. What was he saying and why?
“Ha ha, yeah sure.” I started to laugh as I could feel myself becoming tense and nervous. A sense of uneasiness filled me because I was confused and anxious. And worse yet, I was eating it all up. I wanted him to continue saying things that made me feel special; though I knew that words were just that, words. Ultimately they didn’t mean much. “Stuck like glue, huh?” I made a joke because it was the only thing I knew to do in that moment.
“Something like that.” He nodded and smiled as he leaned forward and grabbed my hand. “Maybe one day you’ll believe me.”
“I don’t really understand what you want from me, Jacob.” I shook my head at him, feeling really confused once again.
“I want to be your best friend.” He smiled warmly. “I told you that a long time ago.”
“Why? I never understood it then and I still don’t.” I shook my head. Why had he come back into my life? Why was he doing this to me? Playing with my feelings. Making me want things that I shouldn’t want. Things that I couldn’t want. He’d broken me once before. I couldn’t allow him to break me again.
“Do you remember Benjamin Peters?” he asked me softly.
“From the orphanage?” I asked him warily, my mind immediately taken back to the little ginger boy that had clung to me for the first couple of months he’d arrived at Little Kitty’s.
“Yeah.” He nodded, and his gaze seemed far away as he seemed to be in deep thought. “Do you remember when a family fostered him after his first month and then brought him back within two weeks because they realized they didn’t want to deal with a little boy with emotional issues?”
“He was only five.” My throat caught as I remembered the little boy that had meant so much to me. Immediately my throat closed up and I could feel my heart racing with sadness and anxiety.
“I remember one night, I heard crying. I got out of the bed to see who it was. I walked around for a bit and I saw you and Benny in the corner of the living room. You had him in your arms and you were kissing his forehead and you kept whispering the same words to him over and over again.”
“You are loved. You are loved,” I said, my breath catching as I remembered that night. “I didn’t know you were there.” I looked at him accusingly. “You didn’t say anything. You were spying on us!”
“You are loved, you said.” His voice sounded awed and full of emotion and he gave me a look filled with such depth that I felt my bones tingling inside my body. “And then you said, I love you, Benny, and I always will. Anyone that doesn’t see what an amazing little boy you are is blind.”
“Blind and dumb.” I nodded, my mind going back to the sobbing boy that had been in my arms. The sobbing boy that had been so broken and afraid. The sobbing boy that had been just like me. “He shouldn’t have been brought back. That wasn’t right!”
“I know, and I agree.” He smiled at me, but his smile was tinged with a shared sadness. “That was just one of the conversations I witnessed that made me realize how badly I wanted you in my life. I realized that you had a heart of gold inside; even though you hid it from me. I just wanted to have you in my life. You were the sort of person I’d always imagined having as a best friend.”
“But then I obviously disappointed you.” My voice was sharp but then trailed off as I looked at him.
“What? No! You’ve never disappointed me.”
“But you left, and you never looked back.” I could feel my throat tightening up. “You left, and I never heard from you again,” I said again, hoping for some answers.
“Sage . . .” his voice cracked. “Things happened.”
“What things?” I said and then I stood up and put my hands up. “You know what, I don’t care.”
“Sage.” He jumped up as well and his face looked pained. “We should really talk about everything.”
“I don’t know that you really want to,” I said, looking at him, hoping he would just grab my hands and say some magic words that would clear everything up immediately. Words that would make me forgive him. Words that would make me understand.
“It’s hard, Sage.” His eyes crinkled. “You don’t know how badly I want to tell you everything.”
“So why don’t you?”
He just stared at me and shrugged. “You just don’t know how much you mean to me, Sage.”
“It seems to me that I don’t really seem to mean that much to you if you could leave and never look back.” I shrugged. “It seems to me that you were able to walk away from me and not look back, just fine.”
“That’s not true.” He sighed and looked down. “But I understand why you feel that way.”
I just stared at him then. I wanted him to tell me how much he’d missed me. I wanted him to tell me that he had barely been able to live without me. I wanted him to tell me that he’d never experienced such pain before. I wanted him to tell me all of those things because that was how I’d felt. That was what I’d gone through.
“There were days that I could almost forget what it felt like to miss you, Jacob. Days when I could wake up and pretend that I wasn’t heartbroken over the fact that you didn’t care. Days when I could tell myself that I was better off without you; better off not loving you. Better off being alone. And then, then there were the days that I couldn’t lie to myself. The days that I couldn’t get out of bed. The days where all I could do was cry. Pretend that somehow, someway things were different. I’d just lie there and stare at the ceiling. And all I could hope for and wish was that I could just sleep forever. “My breath caught as I spoke. “Don’t tell me you understand why I would feel that way, Jacob. You don’t understand. You don’t even know the half of it.”
“Sage, I didn’t forget you. I never forgot you.”
“So why didn’t you write?”
“Sage, I can’t . . .” His voice trailed off. “I don’t know what I can say, except fo
r the fact that you’re my person, Sage. You were then, and you are now. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in every part of me.”
“Sometimes you meet that special person at the wrong time. Sometimes your heart gets caught up and carried away and you can’t control it. Sometimes it’s meant to be and sometimes, sometimes there’s nothing you can do to stop the roller-coaster ride of fate.” I took a deep breath and looked into the eyes I’d memorized and dreamed about. “But I’m stopping the roller-coaster ride now, Jacob. I’m stopping it like you did. I’m not playing these games with you anymore. I don’t want to hear that I’m your person when you can’t even tell me why I haven’t heard from you in years.”
“I’m not playing games, Sage.” Jacob shook his head. “I wish you would understand that. I wish you would grow up; would see that life isn’t all black and white and the paths we have to take aren’t always going to be filled with gold.”
“Enough, Jacob!” I almost screamed at him. “When I first met you, you captivated me. You came into my life suddenly and just like that my heart was done for. I was caught up in your spell. Like a tornado, you swept me up inside of you and carried me away; until I didn’t know who I was anymore. And then Jacob . . . and then, you broke my heart. You broke me into a hundred million pieces and now, now there’s nothing you can do to make it better. I don’t care if the world is black, white, or gray. I don’t care. I just know that I can’t be in a world with someone that can’t see me for who I am and what I want and need.”
“I’m here for you now, Sage.” He reached forward to grab my hand, but I pulled away, my heart feeling like it would never be whole again.
“When you didn’t write, I thought to myself, tomorrow, tomorrow will be the day.” I held back tears as I looked at him. “I still had hope in the beginning. I still thought I’d hear from you and then, and then—” My voice broke as I stared at him, my eyes unable to continue to look into his. The pain I’d felt swelling inside of me, taking me over. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want was to remember.
