by Lydia Thorn
“Are you serious? A rush? You were slicing your vein! If you did this over Mr. Bowie--”
“I never cut deep and I told you it’s about the rush--”
“I don’t give a damn!” I try to calm down and hear him out. “Why do you need this rush? Huh? Is it because of Mr. Bowie?”
“No. It started when I was a kid. It’s just a way to relieve myself.”
“Maybe you can relieve yourself with me.” I look away from his silver eyes. “If that deal is open, I’ll take it.”
“Oh?”
“I look nothing like Mr. Bowie but…”
There he goes, staring a hole into me. “Is this out of pity?”
“I suppose.” I look at him completely and not just out of my peripheral. “I also need the money.” And I’m sick of living a life of fear. I want to be a different person. I want to take these memories with me to Paris.
“I accept.”
“That was quick.
“I was the one who proposed the idea.”
“Um, okay then…I guess if you want me to be Mr. Bowie then maybe we can talk about how I can be that. I’m not dying my hair.”
“Lean in closer.”
Such simple words and my heart is already about to fly out of my chest. I do as he says believing he’s going to kiss me, but his hand strokes my neck, tickling me and my partner twitches ready for action, hospital be damned. My brain wants me to pull away, and I listen. “You have to heal first.”
“They won’t even let me leave this hospital unless I schedule an appointment with a therapist. I was gonna refuse out of spite and just let myself get sent to the loony bin, but having you as my therapist would be so much…better.”
“You better still go. This isn’t normal.”
“Trust me, my brother will make sure I go. And you will get your first payment as soon as I’m able to use you.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IVAN
It would seem I cut deeper than I thought and hit the vein going vertical, which is worse than a horizontal split. I had lost more blood and didn’t realize it until everything went dark in the ambulance. The doc wants me to stay for a few hours and possibly the entire day before returning home. I guess I lost enough to cause concern, but not enough to warrant a lengthy stay.
But I have my phone and laptop to keep me occupied if I don’t fall asleep first, something I wasn’t looking forward to doing, what I would like to do instead is think about Raven giving in to my proposal. I need to make plans and do a little research, but I don’t plan to wait too long after getting out of this sterilized Hell house.
My brother and his partner enter the room again. Even though he now works from home, he still can’t bring himself to dress truly casual or heaven forbid put on jeans and a T-shirt. “Who is he to you?” My brother asks talking about Raven.
“Jesus Christ, Kane. You said you weren’t going to ask.” Lucian scoffs but I know he isn’t truly angry at him, in the four years the two of them have been together I’ve never seen them get into any deep arguments. Arguments sure, but nothing to split them up or last all that long. Usually, their fights ended with them rocking the chandelier and their moans filling the halls.
“My brother is lying in a hospital bed after cutting himself up, I want to know why.” My brother is the overprotective type, we both know why. He can’t help himself. He hates living in the dark. If there’s a problem, you find the source of the problem, and then you eliminate that problem. But this wasn’t going to be a problem that gets resolved by firing it or yelling at it.
I don’t even want to admit to myself why I needed to cut myself. “It was an accident. I was playing with the razor, my friend thought I was going to do something dangerous and we fought over the razor.”
“And the other healed cuts?” My brother points out. “The ones at your torso and legs?”
I have nothing to say.
“Ivan, you should know that we can’t respect your privacy on this,” Lucian says, god is he the perfect little wife. I laugh to myself thinking that at one point I wished for him to be my mom. It’s his fault for being prettier than any woman I’ve ever seen.
“I’ve agreed to talk to a therapist, right?” I shrug. “I can discuss all this with them.”
“Okay.” Lucian nods. “We’ll leave you to rest up.”
“I’m canceling that contest.” My brother just has to stick it in and break it off. “Perhaps, I asked too much of you too soon.”
“Don’t do that,” I argue and try to keep my voice down. “I already have a winner in mind and I think it will benefit the company. Something I am prepared to point out in my presentation.”
“You should focus on healing. You know how I made the mistake of throwing myself into work.”
“I’m not you.”
“You both should relax. We can talk about all of this and anything else you two will like, at home.”
“Lucian, you know what bullshit that is. You of all people know how much my brother prides himself on making decisive decisions and knowing what he wants. He’s probably already canceled it; he’s just being nice enough to let me know.”
“You are obviously not cut out for this so what will you have me do?” My brother folds his arms and tossing me that stern look of his. Everyone says we look alike and now that I’ve gotten older and just as tall as him, people mistake us for twins. I’ve always hated that.
“I knew it.” I say while heaving a sigh. “Go on and say it. I’ve failed because I allowed my emotions to get the better of me. I can’t be as cold and stone-faced as you.”
“For so long we allowed ourselves to be weighed down by the past.” He replies, his anger dying with each word. “Our father did a number on us both, and his death isn’t going to alleviate that any time soon. But I’ve learned to get through it and prevail and you will too, but you have to be open to the change.”
“I am,” I say, still angry. “And it isn’t just what happened with father I have to deal with.” I look to him, wanting him to feel the keen edge of my glare. My brother tried his best, he was the one who raised me since he was ten when he caught my nanny leaving me in the tub alone, I know that couldn’t have been easy. But I can’t help resenting him a little for some harsh shit he’s said to me over the years.
“Fine.” He throws his hands up. “Say whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better. Father took his anger out on me, and I took mine out on you. I can’t expect a simple acknowledgment to cure everything so get it out.”
“Please don’t do this,” Lucian begs.
“I’ll never be like you and it pisses you off.”
“Did I ever ask you to be? Do you think I’m just like father? Wanting a mini version of myself running around. He forced me to be his heir, I asked you to be, and you said yes.”
“Because I do.”
“I also told you to hire your own assistant and to do the contest your way. I only need your presentation.”
“I did.”
“Then stop bitching.”
“I will.”
My brother leaves, and Lucian kisses my forehead. “We’ll be back to come and get you.”
“Why did you fall in love with my brother?” I ask quickly. It’s one I’ve always wanted to know. “He’s never been the nicest man in the world. In short, he’s kinda fucked up. I know he can’t help it. Our father made us this way, but no one has to put up with it. I used to think my brother was a selfish asshole who thought only about his own feelings and I think I’m becoming like that.”
“Is that where all this is coming from? You and your brother truly are two peas in a pod, you know.” He sighs.
“I used to pride myself on being different from him, better, a little less hard, maybe even smarter.” I smile. “I used to feel sorry for you, for being loved by him. To me, my brother was and sometimes still is suffocating but now I think I understand him a little more and it kinda scares me.”
Lucian laughs. “That
guy who came to see you, is it about him?”
“Partly, yeah,” I reply thinking of Raven. “And also, about Damien. I did something without considering his feelings and his job and the guy you saw, Louis, I think I might do the same to him but I can’t stop myself.”
“You think you’re in love with them both?”
There’s no use in hiding it from him, he notices way too much. “I thought I was in love with Damien, for three years I thought about confessing and now, I admire him a great deal but, I don’t know how I feel about him. Then there’s Raven, I mean Louis, he just gets under my skin but I wouldn’t call what I want to do with him, love.”
“Kane asked me why did I love him at one point. I like to think my answer was a good one for the time, but I was also fairly immature still. I fell in lust with your brother before it was love. In many ways, I was selfish too. Finding that commonality is what eventually brought us together. Opening up and allowing each other in is what made us fall in love. That’s the hard part. Opening yourself up to be hurt by another. We both took that chance and won.” He sighs. “But you have to be careful, Ivan. Make sure you aren’t idolizing the other person. Because that isn’t love. The major lesson I had to learn was separating love from gratitude. I cared about Marko, he befriended me when I was at my loneliest and he was always there for me through everything that was happening with Kane. I thought I owed it to him to love him because I knew that was what Marko wanted.”
“Do you think that’s what it is I feel for Damien? Gratitude?”
“I know you have a knack for believing things should be a certain way and you tend to go out of your way to make it so. You worked hard to gain your brother’s love, ignoring the fact that you already had it. To you his love should be expressed in a way you see in your head so you tried to force it to happen that way, but Kane has never been the type to wear his feelings on his sleeve. Sometimes it’s better to let it happen naturally.” Lucian takes his leave but stops at the door. “Also, Keep in mind that when the topic of gratitude surfaced, your first thoughts were of Damien.” He winks and leaves.
Tai is waiting. She comes in with flowers in a small ceramic vase and sets it on the bedside table. “I heard what happened.”
“You didn’t have to come.”
“You’re my boss so…”
“This really sucks.” I groan. I didn’t want to have to do this now, but better now than later. My brother was right about the contest, I hired who I thought he would hire, not the one I wanted. My brother is the suit and tie, and five-star sushi type and I’m more the jeans T-shirt and burrito type. Everything told me to hire Gina, the punker girl, we had a good vibe and got along well but I went with Tai and regret it.
“What do you mean?” She asks, concern on her face. “Should I have not come?”
“You’re fired. It’s nothing personal.” I cringe.
“Nothing personal?” Hell hath no fury…
“You’ve only been working for me for two weeks; I’ll provide a good reference but it won’t be hard to get back into looking for work.”
“You bitch!” She screams loud enough for a nurse to stop in her tracks. “Fuck you fuck you fuck you! My mother was right about you Lorenson bastards!”
“I was trying to be nice.”
“I’ll show you nice.” She snatches the vase and smashes it to the ground. “You’ll fucking regret this!” She says marching from the room.
No wonder my brother does background checks.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
LOUIS
My wound hasn’t fully healed and I doubt his is too, but when he called me to tell me he wanted to meet at his place tonight, I didn’t refuse him. It’s been a week since the incident in the men’s room and Ivan hasn’t been to school once. Everyone looked at me like I was an alien, they whispered and gossiped about us to no end but the usual story was that I was blackmailing Ivan and Ivan sought to end me for good in the men’s room. I have no idea where the hell they got the blackmailing part from but it seems like no one knows the details so dodging their questions was easy.
Xander’s behavior had gotten worse. As far as he and everyone else was concerned, he ruled the roost now. And he ruled with an iron fist. In just these few days I wished Ivan was back, however, he left me alone mostly. The one who suffered the most was Rei, so much so I hadn’t seen him at school in two days.
Now it’s the weekend and I don’t even want to think about school and thankfully when I return will be the start of the senior class festivities so everyone will be too damn busy marking the end of school life to give a shit about who leaves here the king of the castle.
Using my mom’s hair spray I comb my hair back without a clue as to what the hell I’m doing, but I don’t want to go to Ivan’s house looking my usual self. I promised myself I wasn’t going to be afraid anymore, that whatever happens, happens come hell or high water and all that jazz and I mean it. But I’d be a liar if I say I’m not terrified. I hadn’t eaten a damn thing all yesterday and today and I don’t think I have anything nice to wear at all but a black button-up shirt I had to wash and press and some black jeans.
The rattle at the window jumps me out of my skin.
“Let me in, let me in!” Kiki whispers harshly, if you can even call it a whisper.
I pull open my curtains and Kiki stands outside of it, her dark eyes wide and darting about. She jumps up and down a bit and gestures for me to open the window, which I do. “What is it Kiki?”
“Hurry up and open! I need to lay low.” She climbs inside and slips into my bathtub and together we peek outside. Two police officers walk up the steps of the complex and pass the window on their way to Kiki’s place.
“She ran off now, but she’ll come back later.” I hear the older woman say to the cops.
“Alright, ma’am just keep your door locked.”
I close the window, not willing to take any chances on them seeing us. “What the hell did you do?” I whisper and duck low into the tub for good measure.
“I hit my mom.” Kiki sits down on the cold porcelain and draws her knees to her chest like an orphan. Kiki always wore colorful clothes, light blue jeans with red, yellow, and green patches she sewed on herself, a white tank top that she drew on with pink markers, a woman with tears coming down her face.
“What? Why?”
She fiddles with her dread, swirling it in her fingers. “It was your mom’s fault; she gave my mom the pep talkin’ of her life. Talked her into kicking me out.” She huffs. “I thought her fat ass was joking at first when she came into my room and told me to get up and leave. I told her to let me sleep in peace. She hit my foot, and I jumped up and pushed her. Then one thing led to the next and we’re slapping each other. She called the cops on me.”
“Shit, Kiki. What the hell are you going to do?” I step out the tub and head back to the sink to fiddle with my hair again, like anything I did would make a difference.
“Stay here in your tub forever,” Kiki replies, taking the opportunity to lay down.
“I doubt my mom would like that.”
“She caused this.”
“Your freeloading caused this.”
“I’m living the NEET life.”
“Your mom isn’t rich enough to support that lifestyle.” For those of you who don’t know, NEET stands for not in education, employment, or training. A well-known lifestyle in Japan.
Kiki clicks her teeth at my reply then looks me up and down with a smile curling her plump red lips. “What are you all spruced up for?” She says sitting up in the tub. “Smelling all sexy and shit.”
“You think I smell really good? Do I look good?” I ask, wanting an honest opinion.
“You look about as good as a John Doe can look.”
“Great. You’re the reason my self-esteem is busted.” I roll my eyes and look at myself in the mirror.
“It’s better to know your lane.” She leans forward. “So, you hooking up with another JD? Or did you manage t
o bag a better fish?”
“Better by a mile, at least when it comes to looks…and money…and everything else…”
“Holy shit. You about to get ya cherry popped?”
Kiki laughs, and I regret letting her in my house.
“Not so loud or I’ll toss you right back out the window.”
There’s a knock at the bathroom door and my blood runs cold until I hear my mother clear her throat. “Hey, sweetheart.”
“You gotta pee?”
“No, just wanna say something…”
“If it’s about dad, I can’t go this time.”
“No it isn’t…I—I can’t afford to move again.” She says hesitantly.
“I know,” I reply a little confused but then again not really, she had been worried about me since I got cut. “Did I ask you to move?”
“It’s just—this is the closest place to your dad I could afford…”
“I never intended to ask you to move again. It won’t be long until I’m out and off to pastry school.”
“I know, and…”
“I didn’t get into a knife fight. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that before you believe me.”
“If you say so.” She doesn’t believe me and I have nothing else to say. I hear her footsteps retreat from the door.
“So much for asking your mom if I can sleep in the tub.” Kiki sighs. “Did you really get into a knife fight?”
“Now I wish I had,” I say shaking my head. “Just stay in my room and don’t come out.”
It should be a crime for someone to live this lavishly. It took over an hour by train to even get here and even though I’m wearing my best clothes, it still feels like I’m underdressed. I stand outside, the air is getting warmer, the sign that summer is near in the city. I gaze up at the fancy lettering carved into the light beige building.
Thank goodness Ivan answers the door and not a maid, then it’ll get really awkward. “Come in.” He says and backs away for me to enter.
