by J. P. Comeau
No. I’m done being your wingman.
“In a week,” I said. “Just have to tie up a few loose ends out here. How are things in San Diego?”
I listened for several minutes as Hillard told me all about his latest trysts, which included several threesomes and an ongoing affair with a married woman. A few years before, I would have been jealous, but now I just felt disgusted. Especially, after seeing how badly Cam had hurt Julianna by having an affair.
“Does this married woman have kids?” I didn’t do an excellent job of hiding my disgust.
“Yeah, but why should that matter?” He was getting defensive.
Hillard wasn’t used to me questioning his womanizing ways, especially since I had also slept with married women who had children.
“That’s kind of messed up, man. She has a family, and you’re ruining it.”
“Since when did you give a shit? She’s hot! You’ll see what I mean when you meet her.”
I rolled my eyes and let out a sigh.
Hillard was silent for several moments. “Oh, my God.”
I leaned my head back. “What?”
“You’re hung up on Julianna! She has a kid, too, right?”
I stumbled to find the right words to say. I didn’t want to come off as being wrapped around Julianna’s finger, but I’d never been one to hide my real emotions.
“Yes. I can say that’s an honest assessment,” I finally told him.
Hillard started laughing into the phone, and it didn’t make me feel good.
“I don’t know, man. Things may have gotten a little more serious than I’d planned with her, but you shouldn’t be sleeping with a married woman who has kids.”
“Dude, you need to get your shit together. Because we’re blowing up this town as soon as you get back!” A few guys yelled “hello” to Hillard as they walked into whatever bar he was at that night. “You’ll forget Julianna as soon as you get back, I promise.”
“Not sure if I can do that,” I said.
“Which part? Partying or forgetting Julianna?”
I knew that I could never forget Julianna, but I wasn’t about to admit that to Hillard. “Partying. This new expansion will be taking up most of my time. I found out today that we’re going global.”
“Bullshit. You’ve never let work get in the way of partying.” He was right. “You’re hung up on this broad. Let me tell you something. Small town life is just that…. small. You know damn well that you can’t expand your company if you stay in River Valley, and just think about all of those years you pulled what, 14 sometimes 16-hour days? And you’re willing to give all of that up over this Julianna chick?”
“She’s not a chick,” I shot back. “She’s a woman. And I didn’t say that. I’m just, I don’t know.”
I pulled the phone away from my face for a few moments and closed my eyes. “I’ll see you in a week, okay?”
“Do yourself a favor, Jake. Get out while you can. It’s bad enough that you’ve been there for a few months. Don’t waste your time on Julianna because you’ll end up regretting it for the rest of your life.”
Hillard hung up the phone, and I could tell he was upset. I let out a sigh and headed into the office, where I pulled up my laptop and started going through work emails. Hillard was right. Even if I did go back but didn't party, which may very well be necessary with the new expansion, I needed to let Julianna go to move forward.
As my laptop booted up, I thought about the comments Hillard had made about my work schedule. I didn’t know how much longer I could do 16-hour days. Getting away and taking a break was one of the reasons I had come home to River Valley for a visit. Before I left San Diego, it seemed as though I was shutting down right around the 10-hour mark, exhausted. A lighter workload would eventually be needed if I wanted to stay sane.
My inbox icon said that I had over 1,000 emails.
Okay then, I'll just work myself to death, I guess.
I slammed the laptop shut, grabbed my keys, and went for a drive. I could deal with work tomorrow when I was more level-headed, after I spoke with Julianna. Even the quaint, small-town roads of River Valley had a calming effect on me.
It wasn’t until I ended up at the playground that I realized where I was headed.
It was empty and pretty quiet, with just the sounds of the crickets to keep me company. Back in San Diego, it might not be safe to be in a playground after dark. Yet, River Valley was known for being reliable and family-oriented.
I sat on the same swing as I did that night with Julianna, slowly moving back and forth as I thought about how much I cared about Julianna and Caley. I knew my father was right about having to give up a relationship to be a successful businessman. Still, I was starting to realize that he and I might be different.
Even though he said he did, I wondered if he truly loved our mother. He never mistreated her or anything, and I couldn’t remember the two of them ever arguing. Even when she helped Richard and me with our homework at night growing up, she never showed any signs of depression or anger.
It was only until after she put us to bed that I’d sometimes go to the bathroom, walk past their bedroom, and see her watching television alone. She never looked happy. If anything, she looked sad. I remembered wanting to go in there and hug her just to make her happy.
I could go back to San Diego, live the bachelor's life, and never settle down. It certainly was a lot of fun meeting so many new people. Maybe it just wasn’t my time to settle down, I thought while waiting for Julianna to call. Perhaps I was still different than my dad, but it just wasn’t the right time.
The thought of being with anyone else didn’t sit well with me, though.
I looked at her pictures on my phone, grinning at how her beautiful hair cascaded over her face as she smiled. The way Caley leaned into her as they posed for the camera.
Caley.
I went over to the balance beam and sat down, still scrolling through her pictures on my phone.
When I came back to River Valley, I never thought I’d fall in love with a woman who had a child. I also never thought I’d feel like so much of a father to Caley. The way she looked so hurt and angry the first time she saw her biological father, it killed me inside. I instinctively wanted to hold her, to tell her that I would never, ever do that to her.
Yet, that was exactly what I was about to do if I went back to San Diego.
The one thing that I never, ever wanted to do was let my father down. I didn’t think I could live with myself. Richard and I were his protégés. On some level, I wondered if making him happy as an adult was my way of trying to make up for lost time with him as a child. I honestly couldn’t remember a single time when he really praised us for doing well in school. It was always good, that’s how it should be and moved on.
Yet, the more successful I was with my business, the more excited he became.
I looked at my phone and let out another sigh. Still no call from Julianna. She must be reading a book to Caley.
I laid down on the balancing beam, staring up at the stars. They reminded me so much of that night in my father’s cabin, the way Julianna and I fell asleep after making love. She had rested her head on my shoulders, and we both looked up at the stars, slowly falling asleep.
Going back to San Diego meant that it would never happen again. I’d either be waking up alone or next to a woman whose name I probably wouldn’t remember, the latter of which made me feel gross inside.
The man in me knew that I had to let Julianna go, but I didn’t know how.
23
_____
JULIANNA
It took everything I had not to break down in front of Jake. I wanted to fall into his arms and beg him to stay, but I somehow kept it together. I could tell that it was hard for him, too. He wasn’t exactly the same guy I’d read about online, the former small-town boy turned womanizer.
He had matured.
Yet, it was perfectly clear that his career was more important than me.
What a typical male. I had watched him drive away in his rented luxury car. All they cared about was money.
I’m not sure how long I just sat on the couch looking out the window. All I knew was that it was getting dark when I glanced at my watch. It was almost time for me to go pick up Caley from Annie’s. I had never called to tell her I wasn’t working, and I had used the excuse that I needed to go pick Caley up so Jake would leave.
Since Annie didn’t know I wasn’t at work, I had decided to wait until the arranged time to go pick up my daughter. I didn’t want Caley here seeing me so upset. But I decided that would be impossible if she returned home this evening.
So, I went over to my purse, pulled out my phone, and texted Annie. The thought of having Caley see me in my current state broke my heart even more. She was too intelligent for her age, and I knew she’d sense something was wrong.
Knowing my daughter like I did, I figured she’d probably come to the conclusion that it had to do with Jake.
“Can you do me a favor? Can Caley spend the night?” I waited for a response, but nothing happened. My stomach began knotting up as I pictured Caley getting into my car and seeing her mommy’s face beet red. “The art show was so exhausting.”
I lied. If I told Annie that I needed to clear my mind, then she’d immediately begin asking questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer.
“Of course,” she finally texted back.
I breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed my keys, and left.
I went for a long drive, not going anywhere specific. I just drove up and down the streets of River Valley, watching as children walked home from the park with their parents. I felt myself wanting to cry as I watched a father holding a little girl’s hand. She was looking up at him and talking, probably about everything she’d done that day in school.
It reminded me of all the times Caley had done the exact same thing with Jake.
Her Jakey.
I wiped the tears from my face and steered down another street. That one was much quieter. Every song that came on the radio reminded me of him. No angry breakup songs, just lovey-dovey ones about finding your soulmate and spending eternity with each other.
I turned the radio off as soon as I pulled up to a stoplight.
The one night that kept coming to mind was the one at the cabin. Jake had gone above and beyond to prove himself to me. He had everything prepared for when we sat down, planned the whole evening, and we even fell asleep underneath the stars twinkling through the skylight. The next morning at breakfast was wonderful, too.
The two of us, Caley, Annie, and Richard at the diner — anyone who’d seen us probably would have assumed that we were all a big family. Our dynamic just clicked.
I ran my hands through my hair and let out a huge sigh.
Our shower sex last night was, without a doubt, the best I’d ever had. Jake had taken complete control while still being a gentleman. As I lifted my shirt to my nose, I could still smell his cologne.
I had to fight the urge to rip it off and throw it into the street.
My stomach began growling, and I realized that I had barely touched my lunch. I made the decision to get a bite to eat at the next restaurant I drove past, regardless of what it offered.
Of course, it was the ice cream shop that Jake had taken us to after our first picnic in the park.
Just then, my phone rang.
I pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream shop and looked down to see it was Cam. I was in no mood to deal with him at that moment, but I knew it was better to just take his call and be done with him.
“What?” My tone was clipped, letting Cam know that he better make it quick.
“Excuse me? Having a bad day or something?” I could have laid into him at that moment, made him my virtual punching bag by screaming at him about not seeing Caley.
That would only pour gasoline on the fire between us, though, I reminded myself.
“What do you want, Cam?” I heard Lydia talking with someone in the background.
“I’m going on a trip with Lydia,” he said.
My breathing intensified as I pictured the two of them holed up in a hotel room, having sex the whole week and sightseeing.
“Where are you taking her this time, Cam? Paris? Milan? I bet your own daughter would love to travel with you, too, you know. Or would she be a burden on you two?”
Lydia suddenly stopped talking, and I realized he had me on speakerphone.
“I told you that I’ll be sharing custody in the divorce,” he shot back. “Which is why I’m calling.”
“Believe me, I want nothing more than to be divorced from you too. As soon as I hear from my lawyers, it’s done!”
“Good because I’m getting married as soon as that happens.”
It felt as though all of the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt lightheaded and a bit dizzy, as though I couldn’t think or even walk straight.
“Excuse me? You’re getting married? To who?” Of course, I knew it’d be to Lydia. They were just the first words out of my mouth.
“You gotta be kidding me,” he replied. “Who else?”
Lydia snickered in the background. I fought every urge to yell at her through the phone. No, I told myself. I will not stoop to her level. “Just wondering, since you’ve already shown that you’re not the monogamous type.”
I knew that comment would get under her skin. Oh well, bitch.
How you got him is how you’ll lose him.
“Lydia and I are in love,” Cam said. “So, how much longer? Or are you doing this to me on purpose because you’re unhappy with your own life?”
I wanted to throw my phone out the window, run over it with my car, and drive off.
“Believe me,” I said. “I doubt you’re nearly as happy with yours as I am with mine. And we’ll be divorced just as soon as I hear from my lawyer.”
I hung up on him and tried to calm myself down.
I had never been more convinced that all men were assholes who always left.
As I sat in front of the ice cream parlor, I contemplated what I would even say to Jake when I called him. There was just no way that I could compose myself long enough to actually have a conversation with him.
I opened up his contact information and decided to send him a text.
“I thought it’d be better if I texted instead of calling. Please don’t feel guilty. I knew all along that you’d eventually go back to San Diego. I want you to know that I really am happy for you. Global expansion is something that so many guys like you dream about, but very few actually get to do it. Congratulations!! You should be proud of such a big accomplishment.”
Tears were running down my face so fast that I couldn’t even see what I was texting. I tried drying them with some tissues out of my purse, but they just kept flowing.
“Please don’t come back to the house,” I continued. “Caley loves you so much, and it’ll be too hard for her to see you again. I’ll find a way to explain everything to her. Good luck, and thank you for an amazing few months.”
My hands shook as I hit the ‘send’ button, and as soon as I let go, I burst out crying. I didn’t care that anyone walking by could see or hear. I just couldn’t hold it together anymore. Saying goodbye to Jake was harder than anything I’d ever gone through. Deep down, I knew he was my soul mate.
After a few minutes of sobbing in my car, I finally pulled myself together enough to drive home. I’d said what needed to be said. It was over. I wouldn’t tell Caley tonight, though. Sometime this weekend, I’d simply sit her down and find a way to explain why her Jakey would never be seeing her again.
By the time I put the car in drive and headed for home, it had started to downpour.
Great. I don’t even have an umbrella in here.
I went through my purse and pulled my phone out while looking for my collapsible one, then saw that Jake had called me.
I contemplated calling him back, but I was too drained. It was over, and that was it. H
earing his voice would only make it worse.
Before I pulled into the driveway, I noticed Annie’s Jeep was parked in front of my house. I got out and ran to the porch, where I could see Annie and Caley in the dining room. They were walking toward the foyer headed upstairs. I waited a few minutes and then sat on one of the front porch chairs hoping Annie was putting Caley to bed, and I wouldn’t have to see her until morning.
Annie must have seen me because the next thing I knew, the door opened and she was staring in my direction.
“Oh my God,” she said while coming toward me. “What happened?”
I broke down crying yet again, my sopping wet hair leaving puddles all over the front porch. Through gasps of air, as I sobbed, I told Annie everything. How Jake’s company was expanding globally, that he had to go back to San Diego, and that it was over.
“The worst part,” I said, “is that I have to find a way to tell Caley. And Annie, I don’t think that I can. After what Cam has done to her, it’s just cruel. Why, Annie? Why do men always leave us?”
She wrapped her arms around me, and I sobbed uncontrollably. Annie rocked me back and forth, running her hands through my hair. Annie’s kind gesture did little to actually calm me down. I wanted her to convince me that it was okay, that Jake would come back, and we’d be a big happy family again.
She remained silent, though.
Annie also knew that men did this far too often. In good conscience, she couldn’t tell me that it would be okay because she knew that it wouldn’t. My sister was aware the upcoming months would be full of moments like this with her holding me as I cried about Jake breaking my heart.
She helped me stand up and then brushed the hair out of my face.
“You’re one of the strongest women I know,” she said. “And you will not go through this alone.”
I nodded but continued to cry. Everything in my world had fallen apart, and it was all my fault.
“Can you help me to bed?” Annie nodded and walked me inside and up the stairs. We tiptoed passed Caley’s room and entered my bedroom. “Did you make my bed?”
“Yes,” she said. “I knew something was off when you asked me to keep Caley for the night.”
