by Azzi , Gina
“Eli.”
“Holy fucking hell. Are you serious right now? Jesus, Zo, that’s like, wow. Tell me everything.”
“No way!”
“Damn, he’s that good?”
“The best I ever had.”
“I’d fall over in shock, but since I know you’ve been with like five people, I don’t feel that’s an adequate comparison. Give me more.”
I hold up three fingers and Charlie cheers like I just announced my candidacy for political office. “Now, I’m jealous. Wait, wait, how drunk were you?” Charlie closes one eye, peering at me like she’s trying to read my mind.
“Not drunk enough.”
Her mouth drops open and she leans closer to the screen until I can count the freckles that dust her nose. “Shit, Zoe. You like him.”
Tears spring to the corners of my eyes, and the back of my throat burns with all the words I can’t say. All the lies I harbor there. “I like him.”
“That’s amazing!” Charlie whoops, literally twirling around until I feel like I may get motion sickness from the way the screen keeps flipping my image.
“Charlie, I can’t, I mean, nothing can happen.”
“Why not?”
“He’s Hollywood.”
“So? Jesus, girl, never knew you needed to be propped up with compliments but —”
“I don’t.”
“Then, what gives? I’d be trying to wrestle a ring out of any man who could give me three orgasms in one go.”
I swipe a hand over my face. “I just, I don’t know how to do commitments and there’s distance and…”
“You’re scared.”
I wince at the truth that shines from Charlie’s eyes. She’s always read me easier than other people. In this moment, with her narrowed eyes, the ends of her hair clamped between her teeth, I know she’s turning over ideas in her head.
Ideas I’m not ready to lend any validity to.
“You’re not dying, Zoe,” she murmurs finally, her tone soft, like she’s talking to a child.
Ice rattles through my veins, causing my skin to break out in a sheet of goosebumps. My fingers tremble, making the phone shake, and my face freezes as my mind fogs over.
I open my mouth and close it several times, no words coming out. Staring at Charlie’s serious expression, the compassion burning in her blue eyes, I suddenly feel tired. Exhausted. Too drained to deny the truth. Too weak to form another lie.
“You took the test,” she says suddenly, her words lashing at me like an accusation even though her expression is pure empathy.
Clearing my throat, my eyes swell with tears and my face crumples like a tissue.
“Shit, Zoe. Why didn’t you tell me, babe? What’d it say?”
“Positive.”
“BRCA 1 or 2?”
I lift my hand to my face and sob into my own skin.
Charlie’s quiet, the sound of her breathing a reminder that I’m not alone. If I’m going to tell anyone, it should be her, right? She’s my best friend, someone who's always been in my corner. Someone who can help keep my secret. The person who held me up when Dad started going blind, when Mom passed, when Grandma slipped away.
“Both,” I stutter, looking up to see the shock that washes over her face and stays there. Frozen.
“No way.” Her voice is hard, but her own eyes are suddenly too large, swimming with unshed tears. “Zo.”
“I can’t, I don’t know how to —”
“You’re not dying, babe.”
“You don’t know that.”
Charlie sighs, chewing on her hair like straw. Finally, she shakes her head, throwing up a vehement hand. “Fine, let’s pretend you are dying. Does that mean you shouldn’t want to experience every single thing that life has to offer? Jesus, Zoe, if this test doesn’t prove that life is fragile and you should appreciate every second, every opportunity, than I don’t know what does. So let Eli Holt give you enough orgasms to drown in.”
I snort, the sound harsh, and we both smile tentatively. “I like him.”
“Then like him.”
“But, I don’t know how to not hurt him.”
“Tell him. Tell him the truth.”
“No. Everyone here will look at me like, like how people used to look at Dad after his diagnosis. Except I’ll be able to see all their pity. I don’t want it.”
Charlie sighs, nodding her consent. “What do you want, Zo? More than anything, what do you want?”
“To be happy.”
Charlie grins, dropping her hair. “Then do that. Every day, do something that brings you happiness. You don’t owe explanations to anyone. Do you, babe.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Except it is. It really is. I wish I was with you right now. I’d hug you so hard for not telling me, I may strangle you.”
Laughing, I wipe my tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Be happy. Your dad?”
I shake my head.
“You’re going to have to tell him, Zoe.”
“Not yet.”
“Go have your island adventure. The test results, they’re not a death sentence, Zo. They’re a warning. To be observant, to keep your appointments, to take care of yourself.”
“Charlie, my mom and grandma —”
“Aren’t you. So don’t go comparing yourself to anyone.”
I cast a glance at the clock. “I gotta go.”
“Call me later?”
“Duh. I need you to tell me everything going on in your life.”
“Yeah, well, at the moment, that’s kind of a lot. I love you, Zoe. Too much to let you slip away from fear.”
“Love you, Charlie.” I grin. “Talk to you later.”
“I’ll be drunk trying to process the bomb you just dropped on me.”
I point a scolding finger at her. “Make sure you don’t drive.”
“Nah, I’ll make Evan or someone give me a ride. Just … call me.”
“Evan? Eli’s brother?”
Charlie shrugs, the faintest shade of pink blooming in her cheeks. “He’s been hanging out at Shooters more and…well, he’s better company than Fred.”
I laugh. “Fair. Is he the ‘kind of a lot’ happening in your life right now?”
“Kind of.”
“We need to chat.”
“We will. I promise.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you later.” Disconnecting the call, I flop back against my pillows and close my eyes.
I feel lighter after confiding in Charlie. Like now that I’m not the only person carrying around the weight of my secret, there’s more room to feel things other than guilt.
Stretching, my body aches deliciously from last night’s activities.
Charlie’s right. I don’t owe anyone anything. I should be happy. I should dive into the things I love. I should take care of myself.
Starting with an amazing workout with Eli Holt.
And followed by orgasms. Of the multiple variety.
18
Eli
“Jesus Christ, Violet, you wanna give me a heart attack?” I snap my towel against Zoe’s ass as she sashays onto the beach, clad in the tightest black yoga pants I’ve ever seen, cutouts running the length of her long legs. Her stomach is bare, a tight crop top accentuating her breasts.
“I’m gonna make you work for it, Hollywood,” she quips, a grin touching her lips.
Those lips. Images of them tracking down my abdomen, closing over my dick, flickers through my mind like a goddamn flipagram. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from groaning.
“For the sweat or for you?”
“Both.” She stops in front of me, trailing her fingertips up my abdomen.
My muscles contract at her touch. She smiles, her eyes knowing. “We’re gonna go hard today.”
“Bring it, baby.” I laugh, enjoying her sass.
“I will.” She tilts her head to the side. A flicker of unease colors her eyes and she bites her lower lip. “Holly
wood, about last night —”
“Nope.”
“What do you mean, nope?”
“Not doing this, babe. Last night was amazing. And, it was fun. I like amazing and fun. You?”
Zoe nods, her nose wrinkling as she shades her eyes from the sun. “I do. But —”
“Don’t overthink this, Violet. You and me, we can have some fun together and take things as they come. Feel me?”
She glances down at the toe of her sneaker, digging a trail in the sand. “Yeah, I feel you,” she finally says.
When she drops into a stretch and the round globes of her ass meet my line of sight, my flippant comments die in my throat, and a growl escapes instead. Zoe’s more than just good-time fun. Deep down I know that, or I wouldn’t crave her the way I do. Last night was supposed to be a one-off. I was supposed to purge her from my system. Now, instead of focusing on the circuit exercises she’s explaining, I’m wondering how I can get her into my bed tonight.
Zoe looks at me over her shoulder, her black and violet hair in a messy braid hanging down her back, taunting me to grip it, wrap it around my wrist, and take her from behind.
“Care to join me, Hollywood?” She nods toward the first station.
“I’m going to make you pay for this, Violet.”
“God, I hope so.”
Once we start the workout, her smart mouth stops with the quips and hollers out encouragement instead. She usually runs me through the circuit, but today she joins me, and I find myself cheering for her just as much.
Exercise after exercise, rep after rep, we push each other.
Sweat pours down my back, pooling at the hem of my shirt and causing it to stick to me like a second skin. Zoe’s skin is slick with moisture, glowing like a beacon. My fingers itch to pull her beneath me and crawl up her body, right here in the sand, to taste the sweet salt of her skin.
“Last one,” she huffs, her breathing ragged as we approach the final circuit.
“We got this, babe.”
“Yeah.” Her eyes flash as she bends forward and braces her hands on her knees.
“You okay?” I ask.
She nods, her eyes trained on her sneakers. It’s unlike Violet to be so winded. Then again, we did drink our body weight in rum last night. Maybe she’s more hungover than I thought?
Then she straightens and tosses me her sassy smirk. “Let’s do this, Hollywood.”
Three minutes later, Violet and I are lying in the sand, our lungs sucking in ragged gulps of oxygen, our hearts exploding in our chests.
“You’re a good trainer, Zoe,” I murmur, my pinky finger brushing hers.
A pause hangs between us before Zoe hooks her pinky around mine. “I don’t know how to do this with you, Eli.” Her words are a confession, her tone more sincere than I’ve ever heard it.
At the sound of my name, I turn my face toward hers, tracing her profile in my mind. “Because there’s an expiration date?”
“No, I’m fine with that.”
I hate that her easy acceptance that we’ll never work out irritates me. Obviously, we could never work out. For starters, there’s the distance. Beyond that, I don’t do serious relationships. Plus, she strikes me as the type of woman who does everything seriously. With intent. Purpose. With the best of intentions or not at all.
“Then what?”
“You’re too… distracting.”
Rolling my head back to look at the sky, I laugh. Really laugh, until I have to bring my knees up into my chest. Violet rolls toward me, and I turn my body so I’m facing her. I raise my hand to cup her cheek, grip the back of her neck, and bring her mouth to mine. Kissing her hard, I savor the heat that rolls off of her body, the cold sweat that drops from her pores into mine.
“I’m going to distract you in the best way possible, babe. Don’t think too hard about how good things are between us. Easy and fun are a blessing, not a curse.”
“Is that a promise?” she murmurs back, her eyes sparking with a seriousness I don’t understand.
“Swear it.”
* * *
Distracting Zoe is easy.
Over the next two weeks, we fall into an understanding. At work, we’re professional. During our training sessions, she pushes me to the brink, demanding every last ounce of my energy. But in my stretches of free time, I find myself drawn to her.
So much so that we start sharing meals, sneaking quickies in between shooting, spending our nights tangled in sheets, her leg pressed in between mine, her hair tickling my chest.
It’s natural. Organic. The most effortless relationship I’ve casually fallen into in my life. Zoe’s brightness could rival the sun’s and her enthusiasm is infectious.
Instead of stressing over scenes, I find myself trying new approaches with abandon. Instead of worrying over the shit the media is printing, I don’t even bother to read it.
With Violet, each moment is infused with its own brand of extraordinary, and I’m soaking it all up.
“What’s your favorite movie?” I ask her one night.
She’s seated at the table in my suite, working on her laptop after ending a FaceTime call with her dad.
“Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” she answers automatically.
“Seriously?” I scoff, stacking my feet on the coffee table and reclining on the couch. “Why?”
Turning to look at me, she shrugs. “It’s strangely bittersweet. Like imagine if you could have all the wisdom of an adult and see the world through a child’s eyes.”
“But wouldn’t that defeat the entire concept of seeing the world through a child’s eyes?”
Zoe chews the corner of her mouth. “I see your point. But, I don’t know, I loved that he had this great love. In a way, it was like two ships passing in the night. They both knew their lives would outpace their love. It forced them to be present in the moments, to appreciate the mundane.”
“You do that.”
“Do what?”
“Live in the moment. Close your eyes when you breathe in the salt of the sea. Take an extra moment to smell a flower or point out the shade of some random bird. You stare at your food like you’re memorizing it before you take a first bite, and you wear a different pair of earrings every morning.”
Zoe chuckles, turning back to her work. “I didn’t realize you noticed all that.”
“But then you know that you do it.”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“When did you start noticing all the little things? You can’t say you’ve always been like this. Eventually everyone gets caught up in their own lives. The only people who are in tune to the little things are the ones who’ve had experiences that jogged their awareness.”
Zoe’s skin pales, her eyes dragging from mine to her computer screen. When she turns toward me again, a sassy smirk glances off her lips. “Then how do you explain yourself?”
“Me?”
“You noticed I change my earrings.”
Smirking, I tap my hand against my chest. “Fair. Okay, so I’m learning through you. You’ve breathed this weird lightness into my life.”
“Really?” Zoe drags out the word, her smile sly. She waves around the luxury suite we’re sitting in. “This has nothing to do with it?”
“Come here.” I beckon for her to join me on the couch.
She points to her computer. “Working.”
“Come on, you have the rest of your life to work.”
A shadow passes over her features and she dips her head, tucking her hair behind her ear. After a moment, she stands and saunters over to me .
“To answer your question, no. The suite, our surroundings, have nothing to do with it.” I hook the top of my foot behind Zoe’s thigh to inch her closer to me. “Maybe at first. When I first made it and had the funds to throw down on bottle service at the hottest clubs or the best tables in the trendiest restaurants, yeah. It was easy to feel like I was on top of the mountain. Especially since i
t was my hard work that made it possible, my money. When I found out about the inheritance from my dad, I didn’t give a shit. I never touched any of it. But this, now, it’s all you, babe.” I jerk my foot forward so Violet stumbles and I can tug her over me. Lying on top of me, our chests rising and falling in sync, I palm the side of her face and study her.
The darker flecks of chestnut in her honey eyes, the tiny spray of freckles on the bridge of her nose, the slope of her cheekbones and the rosy color that tinges the apples of her cheeks at my touch.
Her eyes stray from mine to my mouth and back again and my chest tightens at the awareness of just how much she wants me to kiss her.
Our mouths hover inches apart, her lips plush and pink.
Her gaze darkens with each passing second. Heat sweeps through my stomach.
Wrapping my feet over her ankles, I anchor her to me, even though she hasn’t made any attempt to wriggle out of my embrace.
“You’re changing the game for me, Violet.” I murmur the words, my chest tightening. My spine prickles with need for this woman, but before I go dropping truths, I need to know where her head’s at. “Easy and fun is turning out to be more of a curse than I thought.”
Slowly, her fingers trail up my chest, my neck, until the blunt edges of her nails scrape along my jaw. “I like this, Eli.”
“What?” I lean into her touch.
“Everything you are.” She inches closer, her eyes bleeding with a message I can’t decipher.
Then she drops her lips to mine and I forget all about needing her words. The feel of her mouth moving over mine erases all logic.
My body hums with appreciation for hers. Her smoothness over my roughness, her softness over my hard planes. Her sweetness that dulls some of my harsh edges. Our kiss turns hungrier, needier. My hands track her face until I tangle them in her long hair, the scent of coconut wafting around us and centering me in this moment.
I kiss her with all the things I can’t say because I don’t want to go down this road again.
She takes my kiss, swallows my ugly vulnerabilities, and owns them like they’re hers.
Flipping her beneath me, I straddle her and work her shirt over her head. Her full breasts fall free as I swipe her bra off in the same movement.
