by S M Mala
She was the one who couldn’t face up to what happened.
Matias had only reinforced what she thought and she agreed. The man heightened all her fears and woes, her discomfort and she’d got colder towards him and everyone else.
And this was all to hide one major thing.
She was the person who hated it more than anything.
And for that, he would make sure he loved the scars to change her mind.
Loved her enough so she’d realise it didn’t matter to him.
It didn’t matter to anyone.
Just her.
‘Are you okay?’
… Ed asked when dawn started to break.
She hadn’t really slept.
Flora was upset he’d see her and withdraw.
Right now, she felt vulnerable and hated it even more. Carefully, she placed her hands across her breasts, hugging herself so she could fall asleep, shrouded in a sheet.
‘Flora, are you alright?’
‘Yes,’ she replied and looked at him.
‘Please don’t cover up, you don’t need to.’
‘I do.’
‘It’s very warm in here.’
He then started to pull her hands away, the sheet slipping down and Flora felt like crying. She was so exposed and closed her eyes tightly, feeling his hands stroke her breasts.
‘Open your eyes,’ Ed whispered, moving closer. ‘Look at me.’
She did as she was told. He moved closer, kissing her chin then her neck and in seconds, the lips were kissing her breasts. The light seemed to be getting brighter in the room, she couldn’t figure out how. It was if it a ray of sunshine was beaming in and fell onto her body.
Immediately she thought of Paulette and wondered if she was doing it from a higher level, trying to prove a point.
Paulette.
Again she wanted to cry and then thought hard about what her friend had told her.
She was letting him see her in the most vulnerable state and it was harder than she’d ever thought.
But just at that moment, she looked down and noticed Ed was looking at the scar that ran under her breast.
The man’s eyes started to well up.
Flora froze but kept on breathing.
Shutting her eyes, she recognised that look.
That same upset and hurt expression she’d seen before.
The one that spiralled her into a downward self-loathing because she couldn’t make it better.
The look Matias had when he saw her in the hospital after her operation and when he’d accidentally seen the stitches on her breast.
Immediately she could feel her own disappointment.
Flora turned over and pressed the front of her body against the mattress, not wanting to look at him. Her breathing felt heavy and she pushed her face into the pillow.
Ed’s body was now stuck to her and he put his hand between her legs to open her thighs. Raising one up, his fingers parted her lips and he rubbed her nub gently.
All she wished was it could be over, she could run away and sob alone.
By squeezing her eyes shut, she wouldn’t have to see his expression.
It was for the best.
He pushed his way in, his mouth on her neck and his hands held each breast. Moving slowly, she felt him inside and wanted to remember it.
‘Flo!’ he gasped, moving faster.
Still she kept her eyes closed.
He was quick and flopped on her back. There was a little laugh and before long his breathing got heavier and he’d fallen asleep.
Whereas Flora lay beneath him, paralysed with fear that she’d have to go through the same pain again.
She wondered how he’d end it.
What would he say to stop seeing her?
It hadn’t been that long but she realised it’d be an interesting reason.
Or maybe he’d tell the truth and say he found her repulsive and ugly.
Pretty much how she felt about herself on a daily basis when she avoided seeing her naked body.
It was only a woman who could appreciate what she’d been through and, like Noreen had done, appreciate the pain and suffering, seeing them as beautiful.
And it was only a man who could see them for what they were.
Damaged and not perfect.
Flora didn’t want to go through it again, the rejection and the excuses. It was too much for her to take.
She waited for him to sleep.
And while she did, there was a fight in her mind.
The one side saying it didn’t matter, if he cared he’d accept.
The other side screaming that if he found it repulsive, he‘d walk away.
But Ed hadn’t told her he loved her and maybe that was why.
He wasn’t sure until now.
And now she knew he never would.
‘Hello,’
… Ed said, waking up from his doze.
He reached out to touch her and she wasn’t there. There was a dent where her head had been on the pillow so he thought she was in the bathroom.
Waiting in bed, he knew she was sad that morning.
Then he remembered those marks saved her life.
They were just as beautiful as Flora.
His mother was right and the scars were nothing.
‘Flora!’ he shouted out. ‘Come back to bed.’
It occurred to him she’d probably have gone to get a drink. He got up, putting on his dressing gown.
That’s when he noticed her clothes were missing.
‘Flora!’
Running down the stairs, he realised she wasn’t in the house and then spotted it.
A note.
He double blinked when he looked at it.
‘It’s okay, I understand. Flora x’
Right there and then, he didn’t understand and wondered what was going on. Standing rooted to the spot, he thought hard.
It was Flora who must have got really scared and decided to run away based on what reaction she’d thought he’d give.
He was confused.
Ed thought he’d showed her that it didn’t matter, it was only flesh after all.
But when he looked at her in the morning and saw the scars, realising what shit she had to go through, he felt upset.
He wished he’d had been there for her, to hold her tightly, to tell her it would be okay.
Not like his son, where he couldn’t even say it because it was a lie, a blatant lie because his child was dying.
And to Ed, he wanted to make it better for Flora, show her that someone loved her and cared.
Someone was willing to hold her close, wipe away the tears she wanted to suck in and remove the fear she had about her body.
It wasn’t bad.
But Ed knew it was probably worse in Flora’s head and he’d have to tell her.
‘Who is it?’
… Flora asked, hearing someone knock her front door really hard mid-morning.
The kids had been taken early from the look of it and Faith had munched through half her fridge.
She managed to have a shower and sit underneath it for a good fifteen minutes, wondering if Ed would be relieved she’d called it a day.
It killed her to walk away and leave him without saying a word but he looked so peaceful.
All in all, it was gentle and he could keep the note as a memory.
The knocking got louder.
Flora was standing in the study.
She choked up, touching the wood and knowing his fingers had caressed the perfect material, very much as they had done to her that morning.
But this was smooth and the grain was fine.
Not like her.
Whoever was knocking on the door wasn’t going away so she tied her dressing gown and ran, flinging it open.
Matias was standing on the doorstep, looking anxiously at her.
‘What’s wrong? Where are the kids?’ she said, looking behind him. His car wasn’t there and she started to panic. ‘Oh my god!
What’s happened?’
‘Calm down,’ he said and she could see he’d broken out into a sweat. ‘They wanted pancakes so Ramona is with them down the road. Where were you last night?’
‘I went to a party and I …’ She couldn’t be bothered to explain. ‘Nothing happened. The kids were fine. Faith texted me that everything was all right and I spoke to them before they went to bed.’
‘You look like shit. Have you been up all night?’
It smacked of an accusing tone and she just glared at Matias.
The man who made her hate herself even more that she could have dreamed possible.
‘My friend Paulette died last night,’ she said calmly, her iciness returning. ‘I went to see her then I didn’t want to come home as I was upset.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ he said, looking guiltily away. ‘They said you planned to spend the night out.’
‘I did.’
She didn’t want to have this conversation on her doorstep so walked in, leaving the door wide open, hoping he’d take the hint to leave soon.
Flora walked a few steps into the corridor and he followed. She turned around.
‘What do you want to know, Matias?’
‘Who is he?’
Not knowing how to answer, she shrugged her shoulders.
‘I want to know,’ he said, moving closer as she stepped back. ‘If there is someone in your life, I’d like to know who it is and how it will affect the children.’
‘How will it affect them?’
‘Because we’re both moving on and when I go, they’re going to have someone new in their life. Can’t you see? It’s not the best time, is it?’
Flora thought she’d misheard what he’d said so shook her head.
This was the first time in ages she’d focussed hard on him.
All the years she avoided eye contact or even examining the man she once loved, the one she thought she’d succeed in having a happy family life with.
Matias was still as attractive as ever, the dark brown eyes, smooth olive skin but there was something missing she’d never really noticed before.
It was the genuine look of affection that she had seen from her family, friends and Ed.
That’s what was lacking.
‘When are you getting married?’ she asked.
He flinched at the question.
‘When I tried to speak to you about it, you get very angry and upset. I know you still have feelings for me. I still care for you Flora.’
‘But not in the same way to have sex with me, let alone see me naked.’
And there it was again.
The look of repulsion and disgust.
‘He’s seen me naked, every inch of my body and I’m not sure if he wants me. I’m not even sure if he knew what he’d see, but he wanted to understand.’
‘But Flora, did he?’
‘I don’t know,’
… Ed heard her reply as he stood by the front door, listening to the conversation.
He’d just drove like a mad man to get to Flora’s so she could explain the note.
‘It’s very hard for anyone to look at,’ Matias said gently. ‘It was and is hard for me to even think about.’
‘Go away,’ Flora said quietly. ‘Leave me in peace. Get married and be happy.’
‘Flora, I’d like the children to come to Argentina when we get married.’
Standing perfectly still, not knowing when to walk in, he waited for a response.
‘Are you in love with Ramona?’ she laughed out. ‘Because I doubt if you’re in love with anyone other than yourself.’
‘Twice you’ve hit me in a matter of weeks. What’s wrong with you? Are you jealous?’
‘No.’
‘Then why are you behaving like this?’
‘Because I’m angry,’ she flatly replied without feeling. ‘I’m angry with you and more importantly, me. I let you make me feel like this and now I can’t stop it. Stop my own disgust about my body. How can I let anyone near me when all I think is that they’re going to turn, like you did and run away?’
It was silent for a moment and he wondered what was happening.
Ed peeked to the side and could see Flora had turned her back to Matias.
‘Maybe you do know how I felt and what I did wasn’t wrong because you understood,’ Matias said firmly. ‘Flora, how many times have you looked at yourself naked, examined your body? Did you see yourself when you were ill? It was frightening.’
‘Please stop,’ she mumbled.
‘I had to pretend it was all right and it wasn’t. The children were scared. Faith and your mother could see the state you were in but you were cold and distant. Trying your hardest to carry on.’
‘I had no choice!’ she said and Ed heard her splutter, knowing she was going to cry. ‘You told me to hold it all in, not upset them, so I did. I held back from telling people how scared I was, how my body had been cut up and I was in so much pain, Matias. But you told me I wasn’t allowed to show it. Wasn’t allowed to upset Lola and Max if I loved them, so I did it. I put it all away until I started to think that you were right and it was too much for them to deal with.’
Flora started to cry and Ed wanted to rush in.
‘Stop it Flora,’ he heard Matias say in a very cold tone. ‘Don’t cry.’
‘I can’t help it. My friend has died and-.’
‘I hate seeing you like this. I’m not sure you’re stable enough to look after the children.’
Then she stopped crying.
‘Get out!’ she shouted loudly. ‘Don’t twist this!’
‘Tell me who you were with. I need to know.’
‘There’s nothing to say.’
‘Flora! I have a right!’
‘You have no rights! You and I are practically divorced. The papers are coming next week and it’s all legal. I can do what I want, when I want and with whom I want.’
‘But who’s going to want you?’
‘Don’t you think that crosses my mind every day?’
It broke Ed’s heart to hear her utter those words.
‘I do,’ Ed said, trying not to sound upset. ‘I want Flora.’
He stepped in so they could both see him.
Matias looked stunned and Flora was wiping her face with the sleeve of her dressing gown before wrapping it tightly around her body.
‘Ed? What are you talking about?’ Matias said, letting out an uncomfortable laugh.
‘I want Flora. I want to be with her.’
‘You hardly know her.’
‘I know her well enough,’ he said and walked towards her, looking down and holding out her note. ‘It’s not okay and I don’t understand. But we’ll talk later.’
‘Ed,’ she whispered. ‘I saw your face this morning. It’s fine. I expected it.’
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’
He turned around and looked at Matias, who was now getting angry.
‘I need to explain something,’ Ed said, grabbing Flora’s hand and kissing it. ‘I met her a long time ago and twenty five years ago we got together but I had to leave. And I wished I never had to make a choice. But only a few weeks ago, I found her again, on this doorstep.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Matias, you might not believe this but your ex-wife is a wonderful, warm, kind human being. She makes me very happy but at this moment in time, Flora’s not happy because someone she loved has died. And she’s got it into her thick head that I don’t want her, scars and all.’
‘You’ve seen her naked?’ asked Matias, looking alarmed. ‘Flora naked?’
‘I’ve kissed every inch of her body and I want to thank you for letting her down and letting me get back together with her.’
Glancing down at Flora, she looked shocked.
‘Ed, you don’t have to say this,’ she gasped, shaking her head. ‘It’s all right.’
‘It’s not all right,’ he said holding her by the shoulders
. ‘How you feel is not right. I’m not going to leave you. I won’t walk away or not turn up again. I’ll be here. You know, deep down, it’s not me that thinks these things, it’s you. Only some people…’ He flicked a glance at Matias. ‘…reinforced it. They’re the ones who are damaged not you.’
‘I’m very confused,’ Matias said, letting out a false laugh. ‘You’re telling me you were childhood sweethearts?’
‘Ed, don’t get into a quarrel over this,’ she tiredly replied and he could see she was distraught. ‘Please?’
‘I have to go and see my mother and I’ll be back in half an hour. This also gives me a chance to speak to Matias,’ he said, watching her shut her eyes. ‘I’ll be back.’ As she opened them to look at him, he noticed the disbelief. ‘Flo, don’t look at me like that.’
‘You and Flora?’ Matias said very loudly.
‘I’m going,’ Ed whispered.
Standing up straight, he turned around and opened the front door.
‘Where are you going?’ asked Matias.
Ed caught him looking at Flora as if she was the oddest thing he’d ever seen.
This time, the Argentinian was going to be put straight.
‘She’s tired and her friend passed away last night. Flora needs to sleep. Can we leave her in peace?’ Ed politely asked.
Matias turned on his heels and looked at Ed. It didn’t take a fool to figure out he was jealous.
He glanced at Flora and closed the door gently, seeing she needed some time alone.
Matias stormed off down the road and Ed ran behind him.
‘Can you stop?’ he asked and saw the man grind to a halt. ‘I need you to know the truth.’
‘I know the truth,’ Matias angrily replied. ‘You see a vulnerable woman and you take advantage! Don’t you know she’s the mother of my children?’
‘I had no idea until a few weeks ago she was your wife and when I did, I'd be honest, I was shocked.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Matias, don’t you know what you’ve done? That woman is crushed because of you. She has no self-confidence thinking that every man who comes her way will think she’s disfigured and disgusting. Flora’s not.’ Ed took a deep breath and watched Matias glare angrily at him. ‘At school she had no confidence. She didn’t think anyone fancied her because of the way she looked. It wasn’t true. I adored her so much and it took me years to pluck up the courage to ask her out. Do you want to know what went wrong? I made a mistake and my future was taken away.’
