“So, who was she? The girl you had to leave.” I shoot back with venom.
He just looks at me. He doesn’t say a word but turns on his heel and heads down the hall.
“You need a shower before you pass out,” he says over his shoulder.
I sag with relief even though I told him to leave and I’m being a royal bitch. In truth, I’d rather fight with Link than be alone. So, I follow him down the hall.
He turns on the shower, then walks out. I stand there in the middle of the bathroom, wondering how this will go. He comes back a moment later with my favorite pair of fuzzy pj pants and a tank.
“Here you go.” He sets them on the counter abruptly and then steps out, closing the door behind him.
I stand there for a minute, suddenly and completely bone tired. I peel off my clothes and step into the steaming hot shower.
Chapter Thirty
Ruby
All the clarity I had back in the club restroom comes back to me as I stand under the hot water, letting it wash away the sweat, alcohol, and grime from the night.
The drinking, the texting, the dancing. My almost fight with Link. The way I’ve been treating him.
What has Link done to deserve this? All my anger has been directed at him. Why? Why at him, when it should be directed at myself?
None of this is his fault. It’s all mine. He’s been so nice and caring, he’s been there for me from the start. And I’ve done nothing but push him away with hurtful words and nasty tones.
Why?
I drop my shampoo bottle as the feeling of pure and utter failure washes over me, a sharp knife driving straight into my heart. I gasp in pain as I finally let myself feel the entirety of what has happened.
I lost our baby.
Finally, the tears I’ve held at bay break free, my heart splinters open and my knees hit the porcelain tub. Water beats at my back, drowning out the sounds of my crying.
But my sobs don’t go unheard. I don’t hear the door open over my gasps for breath.
I don’t realize I’m no longer alone until I hear my name in a panicked tone and the shower curtain is ripped open.
“Ruby, baby, what’s wrong?” I look up at him, water running down my face.
“Go away, Link,” I plead. I don’t want him to witness this. I don’t want him to see me fall apart. I push myself up into a standing position. I don’t bother trying to hide my nakedness, I’ve already reached max embarrassment for my lifetime. Plus, he’s already seen me naked more times than I can count.
“God damn it, Ruby. Stop fucking telling me to go away,” he bellows.
“I can’t do this in front of you, Link,” I cry.
“Do what?” he pushes.
“This!’ I shout at him. “I’m broken and it’s all hitting me, and I can’t break down in front of you.”
Suddenly, he’s stepping fully clothed into the shower in front of me.
“Link, what are you doing” I ask and take a step back, under the stream of water.
“We are doing this, right now, Ruby. I’m done waiting for you to finally fucking feel something. If you’re going to have this breakdown, it’s going to be in front of me,” he hisses.
“You’re the last person I want here right now,” I beg.
“Why?” His face is a mix of fury and hurt. “If anyone should see it, it should be me.”
“I’m embarrassed,” I whimper.
“We were in this together and you shut me out. Completely.”
“I know.”
“Why? Why did you shut me out? Why wouldn’t you let me be there for you?”
“I thought if I just ignored the feelings, it wouldn’t hurt.”
“But it hurt me too, Ruby. What happened — losing the baby, you totally turning bitch mode on me — that all hurt, and the one person I needed was the very person who was ripping me apart every chance she got.” I can tell his anger is subsiding but sadness is quickly taking its place.
My tears mix with the hot water running down my face as I just stare at him. He’s wet from the spray, but not yet completely soaked. He’s pleading for me to finally let him back in.
“I couldn’t stand the fact that I let you down. That I lost our future. We weren’t ready to be parents and you were just doing the noble thing by staying. I thought by being a bitch to you, you’d make a clean break,” I tell him honestly.
“Shit, Rubes. All you had to do was talk to me. You didn’t let me down, I was so freaking scared, and you just shut down. We might not have been ready to be parents, but we would have been when the time came, and you would have fucking rocked it.”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I cry, letting his words wash over me. Oh, how badly I’ve mucked things up. I’ve been so preoccupied with running from all these feelings, that I didn’t stop to think about how Link might have needed me too.
I hang my head and cover my face with my hands and cry. Strong, warm arms wrap around me and he pulls me into his chest.
“Rubes, shhh. It’s going to be all right,” he whispers.
We stand here for a few more minutes, the hot water turning lukewarm.
He reaches behind me and shuts it off. A second later, he’s wrapping a towel around me. He helps me out of the shower, and I reach under the sink for an extra towel.
Handing it to him I say, “I’m going to get dressed and brush my teeth.”
“All right. I’ll be out there,” he nods toward the open door as I clutch the towel tighter.
As soon as he leaves, I dress. I take my time. I towel dry my hair before running a comb through it. If I don’t do it now it will be one more thing I have to deal with in the morning. As I get ready for bed, I think about how I can no longer run from my feelings. I can no longer hide from Link. It’s time to start putting all the pieces back together.
Staring at myself in the mirror, I notice that I look more like myself than I have in weeks. My eyes are red-rimmed, my face is flushed. But there is emotion there now that has been missing since the morning I lost my baby. Something in me finally broke open and suddenly I’m free to think and feel those thoughts.
I gather my strength to face the man who I owe so much to. I pull open the door and walk out of the bathroom.
He isn’t in the hall, and he isn’t in my room. I don’t know why I’m expecting him to be gone, I doubt he would leave me now. I find him standing next to the couch, opening up the blanket we keep folded over the back of it. He’s sans shirt, wearing a pair of black gym shorts. It’s a pair he left here weeks ago, he must have grabbed them from my room. His shoes are sitting next to the couch.
“You’re still here.” My statement comes out on a breathy tone.
He looks up at me. If I startled him, he doesn’t show it. “I told you I wasn’t going to leave.”
I just stand there staring at him, while he gets the couch sleep ready. I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t know where we go from here.
“Ruby, go to bed.” His tone is soft but demanding.
“You’re going to sleep on the couch?” I ask, stating the obvious.
A sardonic chuckle comes from his lips. “Yeah, Rubes, this is where I’ll be if you need anything.”
I nod and walk to my room, closing the door quietly behind me.
I get to my bed but decide that I don’t want more distance than necessary, so I open up my door, hoping he takes my offering and comes back to me.
Crawling into bed, I sink into the pillows and let out a sigh. I don’t move, for when I do, the room spins. I just lie there, burning holes into the pillow that I wish was being used by him.
I don’t know how long I lie there, it’s a while though, because just as my eyes start to close, I hear movement.
My eyes widen, then slam shut. Why, I don’t know, but I’m startled, so I squeeze them to keep them shut. I hear him in my room. He walks to my bed and leans over to check on me. He must be satisfied that I’m still breathing, he turns to leave.
�
�Link,” I breathe.
It’s not loud, so quiet that I’m not even positive it wasn’t just a thought. But he stops his retreat.
“Link,” I say louder this time, “I need you.”
He’s quiet for just a second longer, but instead of walking away, I hear him walk back to my bed.
“Please stay with me,” I whisper, but it sounds like a plea.
“I’m not going anywhere, Rubes,” he rumbles out low and even.
He slides into the bed next to me, and I instinctively move into his embrace.
Suddenly, with his arms around me, as I breathe in his familiar scent, my body, mind, and soul all completely relax. A sigh of contentment leaves my lips and he pulls me even closer to him.
“Link, I’m so sorry. I’m so ashamed of how I treated you,” I say into his chest.
“I know, baby.”
“Can you forgive me? You don’t have to now, take your time. I’ll do what it takes to earn your forgiveness, but please tell me it’s possible.”
“I already forgive you, Rubes,” he says softly.
“You do?” I ask, leaning away from him so I can look into his handsome face.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Why? I mean, I’m not going to argue, but you’re making it too easy.”
“I forgive you because I love you, Rubes.” He leans in and kisses me gently. When he pulls back, he brushes a tear from my cheek.
“I love you too,” I sigh, smashing my face into his chest, squeezing him tightly. We lie in each other’s arms and soon, my eyes flutter shut, and I drift into dreamland, completely at ease for the first time in weeks.
The next morning when I wake, I’m wrapped in Link. It feels right, it feels like it’s exactly where I should be.
I don’t dare open my eyes yet. I’m not ready to face reality. I’ll happily lie here in Link’s arms for the rest of the day. But I know that isn’t an option. Today is the day I pull up my big girl panties, now that I’m sober. But, maybe I’ll nurse this hangover I feel arriving to the party with a vengeance. So, this afternoon, I’ll face my problems head on and start to heal.
Now that I’m awake, I feel a strand of my hair across my chin and it’s tickling my face. And dammit, I can’t ignore it. As gently as I can, I reach up and brush it off. Just this little movement is enough to ruin the cocoon I’m in.
Link groans and then yawns. I can tell he’s awake as I look up at him, but he isn’t opening his eyes yet.
I get it.
I snuggle into him more and when he pulls me into him, I smile against his chest.
His bare chest.
“Morning,” he says, his voice full of sleep.
“Morning,” I say in return.
We are quiet for a while, as we both lie here slowly waking up.
“So, last night. Did that really happen? Or was it just a crazy-ass dream?” he asks with a chuckle.
I lean back from him and look into his face. “You just had to dive right in there, didn’t you?”
His look is full of mirth. And oh, I’ve missed this face so much. He’s smiling at me and he laughs.
“Yup, because I’m not that nice.”
This makes me laugh in return.
“No, you are too.”
I sober and focus on him. I know he told me he forgives me last night, but I just don’t think it should be that easy. I don’t deserve for it to be that easy, not after the way I’ve behaved.
“Link, I’m so, so sorry for the way I’ve treated you.”
“You’ve been in a bad way, Rubes. And you didn’t know how to handle what happened. Please stop apologizing.” He kisses my forehead.
“Don’t make excuses for me. I deserve for you to be mad at me. I deserve for you to never want to talk to me again.”
His eyebrows knit together, and he shakes his head. “You deserve the world, Ruby. Don’t ever let someone tell you or make you think you don’t. You’ve had a rough go at it lately. First the gameless douche tried to bring you down, then the pregnancy and emergency surgery. You’d have to be the perfect person to handle all of that with grace. You handled it as best as you could. You made some mistakes along the way, but as long as you learn from them, you’re gravy.”
I snort at his word choice and his cocky-ass grin shows up.
“Why did you stay?” I ask him.
“Last night? I told you —”
“No, every time I told you to go away, or to leave me alone. When I broke up with you. I ignored your texts and calls. Yet you stayed. You refused to let me break up with you. You still called and texted. Why?”
“Because I love you. Can’t you see that by now, Rubes? I love you and I’ll always have your back. I’ll be here to catch you when you fall, every time. You needed me, you just didn’t know it yet. So, I gave you just a little bit of what you thought you needed. Let me tell you, the space … giving a girl space is a shit thing, too. I wanted to stay with you, I wanted to hold you, kiss you, hug you, until you were able to talk to me about what you were going through. But I knew it would just make it all worse. So, I gave you an inch when you asked for a mile.”
“I love you too, so, so much,” is all I can choke out and another damn tear slips down my cheek. I’ve broken the seal.
The smile that spreads across his face is utterly spectacular, and it’s by far one of my favorite smiles.
“Aww shucks, Ruby, you’re gonna make me blush,” he jokes.
“Shut it, leave it to you to ruin a good moment.” I fake pout.
“Anytime, sunshine.” He leans down and kisses the tip of my nose.
“I still feel like I owe you at least a dozen more apologies,” I tell him.
“Why?”
“Because, not only was I mean to you and tried to break up with you, I didn’t talk to you at all about the ectopic pregnancy. I never asked you how you were handling it. And then, most recently, for last night. Last night was a shit show.”
“Okay, so let’s talk about that now. You want to know how I felt about the ectopic pregnancy? I was scared for you. I was worried about how this was going to affect you. And when you pretty much stopped talking to me, stopped showing any kind of emotion, it scared me even more. I was also really fucking sad, Ruby. I wanted that baby and I wanted it with you. And then after days went by and you still wouldn’t talk to me and you were just being plain ol’ mean, I was pissed.”
“I’m so —” I don’t get to apologize because his finger comes up and presses to my lips.
“Don’t say it.”
“But —”
“No more. You’ve apologized for the shitty and unjust treatment, the hot mess express that was last night,” I playfully smack him in the chest at that, “and for not talking to me when we needed to talk the most. You’re three for three, Rubes. The slate has been wiped clean. We only move forward from this point on.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. It sounds completely inadequate, but it’s all I’ve got left.
“Now, I mean, if you still feel the need to make it up to me, we could set up a payment plan of sorts. I’m thinking we could put your mouth to work, since you’re still out of commission in other places.” He waggles his eyebrows.
I bark out a laugh. “No way!” I push him away but in typical Link fashion he comes right back.
“What? You can’t blame a guy for trying.” He laughs along with me. He rolls to his back and brings me with him so I’m lying on top of him. With my hands on either side of his head, I push up a bit, so I can say one last thing.
“I promise to talk to you about how I’m feeling. And I want you to do the same. At my two-week follow up a couple days ago, the doctor handed me a bunch of papers with resources to help with what I’m going through mentally. There was a list of support groups, both local and online, as well as a list of therapists. I’m going to look through that stuff and figure out what is the best thing for me.”
“That sounds like a great plan, Rubes.”
I l
ean down and kiss him with all I’ve got. He says I’m done apologizing, but that doesn't stop me from showing him how much he means to me. And it’s what I will be doing for the rest of my life if he will allow me. I know for certain that the love I’ve been looking for has always been right here in front of me.
Epilogue
Ruby
A few weeks later…
“So, are you going to show me everything you learn tonight?” Link asks me from my bed.
He’s naked of course, since we just had a quickie and now, he’s trying to distract me.
“Hmm, I’m not sure. I might make you wait for it, just a little bit.” I tell him as I walk to my dresser and grab the yoga capris and the royal blue racer-back tank that I’m wearing to our pole dancing class tonight.
“What? No, way!” He pouts.
“It’s not like I can really show you, I don’t see a pole here anywhere.” I smirk.
“Didn’t I tell you? We are installing one in the game room.”
I give him a look of disbelief and he replies, “No, for real. It benefits us all, if you think about.”
“Yeah, I’m not going to give you a pole dance performance smack dab in the middle of the game room while the guys and Bern are playing Call of Battle,” I tell him, pulling my tank over my head.
“I promise they will only toss fives and tens at you. No singles, not for my girl.”
“Pfft! I expect twenties,” I walk over and kiss his cute face. “I promise I’ll show you what I learn.”
It’s been a month since Link and I worked our shit out. Well, since I worked my shit out, really. And while things can’t exactly go back to normal, we are in a really good place.
I joined an online support group that came highly recommended by my doctor. It was a new take on the traditional support group. But it also has a local meeting option. Once I let myself feel the pain of losing my baby, it felt like I was already starting to heal. Once Link and I started talking about it, it helped even more. The group has been helpful too. Every time I start to feel like what happened was my fault, my body failing, the group has been able to help me work through it.
Game All Night Page 22
