by Raven Scott
So far, so good. At least, I didn’t feel like this was a horrible mistake.
It didn’t take long for Sriracha to climb into the front passenger seat, and I gazed at him as he propped his paws on the window to look out quizzically.
“Sriracha.” I didn’t expect a response, and I didn’t get one, and I scratched my scruff absently. “This is gonna be an adventure.”
Which was exactly what I wanted, because I was alone again. Oran went back to Seattle, and I was just here, by myself, being consumed by my thoughts. I was drowning, and there were no hands to help pull me to the surface. Bitterness stained my tongue, and I turned on the car to slowly pull off the curb.
“I don’t even know what to do now.” Mumbling to myself, a depreciating laugh bubbled up in my chest, and I clenched and released my jaw hard. No, this wasn’t a mistake, but I sure as shit didn’t know what the fuck to do now. I didn’t even have anywhere to take these dogs! “Shit.”
Following my GPS back the way I’d come, I tapped the steering wheel absently while I watched Sriracha out of the corner of my eye. Ketchup sprawled on the back seat, wiggling and worming and whining when I glanced in the rearview mirror. They were so different in color and personality— the only thing they shared seemed to be their hazel eyes. Sriracha’s were lighter, startling given his pitch-black coat, but Ketchup’s were pretty, almost.
If I just focused on them, this pain in my chest would go away eventually.
“Hey, have you two ever seen the woods? We’re gonna do that.” Sriracha ignored me, but Ketchup jumped off the seat to wiggle up under my feet and between my legs. Scooping him up to sit him in my lap, he wagged his tail stump as he gazed out over the wheel, and I nodded firmly. “Let’s do that.”
I arched my back, the light throbbing easing briefly, and I made my way to the nearest route that’d bring me to California. Maybe, Oran was right, and I should’ve got a bus and renovated it or whatever. Rental cars were expensive, and I scrunched up my face in distaste as I reached to unlock my phone.
“Hey, Google, take me to the closest car shop inside California.” My phone spewed back my demand, and I gnawed on my inner cheek thoughtfully. “This distraction thing is workin’ already.”
Lucy would forget about me, and I would try my damnedest to forget about her. If I was lucky, we’d never cross paths again, and I’d just wither away, tormented. She’d get married, be happy, and everything I did in that concrete room would’ve been worth it.
Tightening my grip on the wheel, I set my jaw under furrowed brows as my stomach churned dangerously. Ketchup settled in my lap, and I gulped down the bile that rose in my throat at the thoughts that beat against my forehead.
12
Lucy
My phone rang insistently, and I pulled the device out of my back pocket only to scowl. My mom’s name flashed in bold, and Mikayla and I shared a sour look as I sat down on a bench and dropped my bags. Readying myself for a screaming match, I held my forehead in my palm and swiped the green button while my friend started rifling through my stuff.
“What is it, Mom?”
“What do you mean? Where are you? We brought you a cake and everyone’s here!” Hissing into the phone, my mom’s anger warmed my ear, but I was so beyond caring at this point. First, it was ‘we thought you could use some time’ which was just covering up the fact that no one wanted to leave the restaurant they were planning on eating at for me. Then, it was ‘we want to get everyone together, so it can’t be just any day’, and that was a week ago.
“Mom, we agreed that everyone was going to come over at eleven a.m. It’s almost five p.m. I’m not going to stop what I’m doing because you’re all late as hell.” My mom gasped, as if she had any right to be offended at her own tardiness, and I closed my eyes as frustration began to simmer in my veins. “We planned it for eleven a.m., and no one showed up, so I went on with my life. You obviously don’t care about making me waste six hours, though. What were you doing, huh? What was so important that you couldn’t come to see me at the time you wanted?”
“I beg your pardon! Lucillia! If you weren’t planning on being here and just inconveniencing everyone, what was the point of any of this?” My brows nearly flew off my face as a condescending laugh burst from my throat, and Mikayla glanced over at me warily.
“Did you not hear what I said, Mom? It’s five o’clock in the evening, you know, at night, and you guys were supposed to come by at eleven in the morning— six hours ago. You think I’m going to sit around for six hours? No, I have things I need to catch up on.” I wanted to just explode, and my hand shook as I clenched it into a tight fist. I wanted to scream at my mom that I’d been kidnapped and tortured, and why didn’t she care? I wanted to cry and throw a tantrum because no one had stopped by to check on me when, considering the lies, they weren’t obligated to.
What kind of family only did things when they were ‘obligated’ to, anyway?
“I was there. I stayed home, waiting, until one-thirty in the afternoon, and then I said to myself, I know, you’re not coming. You forgot? Did you forget me, Mom? Did you think I’d just be okay with you strolling in whenever you felt like it with no regard for what was happening with me? For what plans I had afterward?” My mom fell quiet at my tangent, and I ran my hand through my hair roughly as a scoff built in my throat. “God, Mom, you know what, just don’t bother with me anymore if I cause so much trouble. I’m not going to stress out because you think I’m not important enough to be on time! Goodbye!”
Hanging up on my mom, I glared at my phone, and Mikayla sat back on the bench to sigh heavily. The silence was bittersweet, and I glanced over at my best friend as she watched me with heavy questions swirling in her eyes. She was good to me, not asking, and my throat tightened with the desire to just blurt everything out.
“When did my mom get so . . . so insufferable? Or was she always this way, and I just ignored it rather than deal with it?” Before Mikayla could open her mouth, my phone started to ring again, and I groaned in foreboding. This time, Seth was calling, and I licked my lips heavily as I answered. “Hello?”
“Lucy, hey. What are you up to right now?” I could hear my mom complaining in the background, but I ignored it as I sat up straight to stretch my legs out.
“I’m spending my jackpot money before my mom can try to weasel it out of me. Why?” Seth was a good guy, despite his stingy ways, and I flopped my head back to stare at the high ceiling of the mall. “Did she tell you to call me and get me to come back?”
“Yeah, but I’m not going to. I texted you earlier, but you didn’t respond, so I wasn’t sure if I should come by at eleven, like you said. I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner, a date.” I almost gagged in disgust, and I shook my head even though Seth couldn’t see me. “I feel like we should reconnect.”
“Seth, no offense, but I really don’t want to go on a date with you. Today sucked, and I just . . . I need to be by myself right now.” Mikayla nudged me with her elbow, and I scrunched up my face in discomfort as she gestured me on silently. “Listen, I think we should break up, Seth.”
There. I said it. The words left my lips dry, and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as silence rippled over the line. Seth’s surprise prickled the fine hairs on my cheek, and I tightened my grip on my phone as I cleared my throat.
“I’ll give you back the ring, but I’m not going to marry you, and I think it’s best if we just went our separate ways quietly. You’re a great guy, Seth, but I’m not in love with you anymore, and I haven’t been for a while. I only said ‘yes’ when you proposed because everyone was staring at me, but even at the time, I thought it was a mistake.” The ancient, old-as-dirt lady that’d been walking by stopped as I slowly, clearly explained myself, and I didn’t wait for an answer before hanging up. Relief slumped my shoulders, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling as I sunk deep into the hard bench. “I feel so much better. Wow.”
“You did a good job. I know how much
effort that took, Lucy.” My smile widened at Mikayla’s assurance, and I grabbed her hand to squeeze tightly. Her smirk turned slick, and her eyes brightened as I breathed easy . . . or easier. “Now, I can talk all the shit I want about him and not have to worry, right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” That crazy old lady tapped my shoulder, her white curls reflecting the lights streaming down from above, and I glanced up as her smile folded into her wrinkles.
“Better now than when you get the government involved.” She patted my shoulder before hobbling away with her cane and hunched back, and I couldn’t help but giggle. There seemed to be every reason not to marry, and I shook my head slightly before reaching down to grab up my bags.
“I’m glad you didn’t agree to go on the date to break up with him. He would’ve made you pay for half his meal even if you just got free water and breadsticks.” Mikayla wasn’t short of her opinions, but she’d always been respectful— except now there was no reason to be. Seth was a good guy, but he had his quirks, and most of them I couldn’t stand. “Where did you want to go next?”
“I want to get new bed sheets and stuff.” There were only four bags— I’d gotten two new pairs of pajamas, some really nice, fuzzy slippers, and a few pairs of jeans and a couple shirts. I wasn’t going to totally revamp my wardrobe or anything, but I did need to throw out some of my older clothes. “We can browse and stuff, too.”
“Well, obviously. You never know what you want until you see it.” Giggling lightly at that, Mikayla nudged me with her shoulder, and I stood up to huff softly. “You know you’re gonna drop a huge chunk of change on your yard, and don’t even try to deny it.”
“Yeah, I am. I want your opinion on some ideas to make it really cute and nice.” I wanted to get a little fountain and make a little irrigation system, so I didn’t have to water my plants anymore. I wanted a little waterfall, and maybe even some fish. I was going to get rid of the vegetables in my front yard and make a nice flower garden.
I was going to get new bed sheets so no one else would have touched them.
I was going to get new cookware that had never been used for anyone else.
Pausing our trek toward the other end of the mall, where a Macy’s was, I stared at a faint crack in the grout between the marble tiles on the floor. The details blurred as my mind slowed, and I frowned as longing beat against the backs of my eyes.
“Lucy?” Blinking hard, I shook my head furiously, and Mikayla’s eyes narrowed on me under furrowed brows. “You alright?”
“I’m fine. I was just thinking . . . I might paint my house. Maybe something a little darker.” My phone rang, but I ignored it even as this sinking feeling in my stomach got worse and worse as it trilled on. As soon as it went to voicemail, the call started again, and I snatched the device from my pocket to put it on silent, and Mikayla smiled at me with pride in her eyes.
But all I felt was dread.
13
Mateo
Nine Months Later . . .
Sitting on my board on the calm, crystal blue water, I rubbed Ketchup’s head before I started paddling back to shore. There were no waves to surf right now, but I could stay out here all day. Even roiling, the ocean was soothing, peaceful, and even more so when it wasn’t like right now. Nothing but water stretched behind me, and before me was nothing but beach- and Sriracha, dutifully guarding my stuff under an umbrella.
He knew to wait his turn, but I was going to wait until there was a swell before taking him out.
“At least you don’t jump off my board, Ketchup. You good boy.” Patting his broad back, I chuffed a laugh as I tore my eyes off the white sands, and Ketchup smiled back at me. These dogs were pretty large, but he was smaller than Sriracha by an inch or so. “At least you got a bigger heart, huh.”
Only when we were close enough to shore that I could climb off my board to walk did Ketchup jump into the water to swim. A laugh escaped me, watching his wide head bob around, and I held my board against my back.
My scars . . . they were fully healed, covered by my wetsuit, but they never stopped hurting. They burned, sometimes more horribly than other times, but I never found relief. Even here, in paradise, I couldn’t escape it, and I arched with an uncomfortable grunt.
“Excuse me!” Swiping my hand up my face, I flopped my head back and swept back my hair before glancing over. A very nicely dressed woman stood a good distance away, clearly eyeing Sriracha even as she spoke to me. “We’re having a wedding. You need to clear the beach.”
My heart throbbed at that, and my cheek twitched as I stuck my board in the sand. Wandering over to the blonde, her slim body wrapped in forest green, I ignored the gaping hole that opened up in me. Even after so long . . .
“This is a public beach. If they wanted a private ceremony, they should’ve rented a section.” She pulled a face, her gray eyes flashing angrily at my nonchalance, and I waved in dismissal. “Good luck next time around.”
“Hey!” The shout echoed down the beach, and my eyes narrowed on the woman as she stuck her hands on her hips, as if her attitude was strong enough. “Can you just move down a little, then? Come on, it’s someone’s wedding.”
“It’s not mine.” Turning around, the sand squelched between my toes, and I pulled the zipper of my suit to shirk off the sleeves. A horrified gasp sounded behind me, but I ignored it as I ground my teeth to the gum. It’s not my wedding, and it probably never will be. Which was probably a good thing considering. Reaching to rub my chest, I closed my eyes as Ketchup rubbed up against the backs of my legs.
I don’t even remember anymore.
“Hey.” Groaning loudly, I just ignored the call as I grabbed my board and whistled at my dogs. Heading up the beach to the parking lot, my steps were hard, and I scowled lightly as I protected my back from the sun. Even here, over two thousand miles away, I couldn’t escape these feelings, and I long ago forgot why I pushed Lucy away.
“I’m exhausted.” My soul was tired. Every time I thought about her, the world turned gray, and it’d gotten worse and worse over the past months. I thought I was doing the right thing for her at the time, but I’d fucked myself over royally. She deserved normalcy and happiness, and I thought I’d end up back in New York City under my brother’s thumb.
But that was just an excuse. I was free, and I had the chance to beg her to stay with me. Why didn’t I get on my knees in front of her? Why didn’t I man up when my father gave me that envelope, knowing he wouldn’t go back on his word?
“Let’s go, boys. Hup.” Pulling open the door to my soft-top Jeep, I gestured my dogs inside as I went to strap my surfboard to the top rack. Ketchup and Sriracha helped, but it wasn’t enough on days like this. “What a way to end my birthday surf, right? Hopefully, dinner will go better.”
I didn’t live in Hawaii, but it seemed like a good idea to visit at least once in my life.
Nothing had changed. Nothing was different. I was drowning in the same emptiness and sorrow that had me standing on a balcony in New York City, staring down at the sidewalk. The future looked bleak and apocalyptic.
The next step is not seeing a future at all.
“Let’s go back to the hotel and eat and take a really nice nap, huh? Sound good?” Sriracha barked deep and low, and I nodded to myself as I twisted to back out of my spot. They weren’t even full grown, yet, and I had nothing but pride in my dogs. They were greatly trained, big, and bad, and I could bring them anywhere because I’d registered them as therapy dogs.
The hotel was just down the road, a smaller place without a big name attached to it, but very nice and worth the money of a big name. Their parking lot wasn’t full to the brim, and that’s what mattered to me when I arrived here. Pulling up to the valet, I jerked the gear and popped open the door, and my dogs jumped out the back.
I’d been here long enough that the kid that parked my car didn’t jump anymore at the sight of them, and I skirted by him to head into the hotel. The lobby was in a tizzy, and I swiped back my
hair as my water shoes slapped against the hardwood.
“What’s going on?” Wandering over to the receptionist desk, I leaned on my elbow as nicely dressed people headed out in packs of three or four. “Does it have anything to do with that wedding that tried get me thrown off the beach?”
“Oh-h, yeah. I’d never, ever have a destination wedding. They all come here and act like jerks. The bride seems miserable, and her mom just took over everything.” The receptionist lady leaned in, and I frowned at the conspiratorial gleam in her eye. “Her dress is ugly, too, and I think she knows it. They’re about to leave, so if you stick around, you can watch the mayhem.”
“Ah.” I was tired, but when I glanced over at the elevator, people were blocking it. There was no way I was going to get my ass up the stairs, either. “There’s not much point in trying to get upstairs, I guess.”
On the beach, there’d been no signs of a wedding being set up, so I could only assume that woman didn’t want anyone wandering in out of nowhere. I hadn’t paid attention on the drive back, and I tapped my cheek absently in impatience. Standing in half a wet suit, I stood out like a sore thumb and got more than a few glances. Some people were taking pictures, and I hoped I ruined them because they ruined my afternoon.
Let’s face it, my life was ruined the day Lucy got in that Lyft and . . .
The elevator pinged shrilly, and the bodies crowded even tighter as the doors slid open. Just in that moment, that woman from the beach rushed into the hotel, panting slightly, and I tapped my foot as eagerness crept up my spine. My back hurt, I was covered in salt, and I hadn’t eaten lunch.
“Get going already.” Sriracha perked up out of the corner of my eye, and I glanced down through narrowed pupils as he started sniffing the air. “Hey, sit. You too, Ketchup, sit.”
