I'm left alone. I'm too nervous to walk up to Brecken, who is surrounded by angels excited to help him walk toward the glowing doorway... to lead him away. They are all so happy to see him, to be near him. He doesn't even seem to remember I exist, and I don't want to demand his attention while he is busy with what must be a long-awaited reunion.
I expect him to look over though, to smile, to wave. Anything.
He doesn't.
I wait, pathetic and rejected, but he steps through the glowing door without looking back. The pain in my heart intensifies as reality hits. He is moving on. I press a fist to my heart, but the ache remains.
Moving slowly back through the halls off the auditorium. I'm not sure what to do now. The battle has ended. The good guys won. We can all go home.
Except for one problem.
I don't have one.
CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
~No Goodbye~
Alisa
I stare at the shimmering doorway as many angels pass through to go home. I turn to one who waits at the back of the line. “So, who is Bretariel anyway?” He smiles gloriously, and I'm reminded of the elves in Lord of the Rings. Funny the things you remember at the oddest times.
“He's a Watcher,” the angel says, “Hired—so to speak—by our side, to help defeat Abaddan's hosts. He had only one final task to accomplish for his redemption to be complete. Life. To become human. To place his soul in a body, be born to a family, and prove himself worthy. Now he has done that.
“This above all proves the intent of his heart since he wouldn't be able to remember anything from his past. His memories would all be erased like everyone else's when they're born. He accepted the terms and has been watched over closely his whole life.”
I have no reply. I blink stupidly at the man before me. “Oh.”
Some of the angels stay to clean up the mess. And although the real instigators have been shipped off, there are still the human acolytes to deal with. They mill around, their eyes glassy. Like they don't remember where they are.
I hadn't paid attention to where Jill went during all the action, but, as I wander around, I find her hiding in one of the back cells close to where Brecken was locked up. She lies curled in a corner, her eyes pinched shut, her hands trembling over her mouth. A shiver of revulsion pulses through me. This is what she deserves. I can tell that madness has taken hold of her. She's gone off the deep end, and for a moment, I feel a tiny bit of sympathy for the poor thing that witnessed and participated in some serious evil tonight. I can’t help but wonder if there is a special corner of hell being prepared for her. She stole Brecken's blood, trying to get a taste of immortality after all.
Jill shifts slightly and looks up, her eyes wide and frightened. I don't think she can see me so I stay where I am, staring down at her pathetic form. She searches the room like she knows someone is watching.
She may not have started this whole mess, but she was an obedient little lieutenant, following orders. Orders that she had to have known were diabolic. I wish her a wonderful eternity in perdition.
On my way back down the hall, I stop at the cell where my brother is. He didn't see any of it. Not Raphael, Anaita, or Lamia reading from her satanic recipe book. He missed all the good stuff, and I am so glad. I didn't want to walk in and see him huddled in the corner with his thumb in his mouth, his brain fried from witnessing such horror.
To my relief he sits on the lumpy, stained cot, his knees up, his head hanging. I move through the locked door with only minor discomfort and sit beside him, wishing there was some way I could speak to him. Really speak to him. To tell him how much I love him, and how sorry I am for killing myself.
“I can give you a moment if you'd like,” a voice says from the door.
I glance up. A beautiful angel with radiant red hair stands in the doorway, her white robes flowing out around her.
“What?”
“You want to talk with your brother, right?” She cocks her head to the side, a smile playing around her mouth. “You can. For a moment.”
It takes a second to sink in, but her bright blue eyes confirm my hope. She nods and then leaves the room. I turn to my brother. My big, stupid, wonderful brother. His hair lays matted, and greasy, dark smudges stain his cheek, and a deep sadness wells in his eyes. I place my hand on his and gaze softly at his face.
He turns his head and blinks, his brow furrowing. He tries to focus in the dim light, and a second later, with a sharp intake of breath, he says, “Alisa?”
I nod, the hot spark of tears behind my eyes. They aren't real tears, but the feeling is the same. My heart swells as I slide closer to him. “We only have a minute.”
“What are you doing here?” Then the full weight of his question registers. With shame and embarrassment, he turns his face away and his voice catches. “I'm so sorry.”
I smooth my hand over his head with only love in my heart. “I know how hard life can be. I know that it sometimes takes years to look back and see the consequences of our choices. It's all right. I understand. I really do.”
Shifting his body, he looks deeply into my eyes, his mouth open in wonder. “You're alive?”
His question, so innocent, so pure, makes me laugh.
“Yep. We go on, Derek. I've been watching over you, trying to figure out why you were with Lamia and Jill in the first place.”
He hangs his head, shaking it back and forth. “I don't know. I really screwed up. I just wanted... I don't know what I wanted.”
I smile, hoping that he won't ever forget this moment. “Just learn from your mistake. And, Derek?” I want to say something profound, something prophetic, something powerful that he could keep with him always, that will protect him from other bad choices, but nothing comes to mind. So I say what is in my heart. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts, and you don't know how it kills me to see you and our family suffering. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused. Please... please forgive me. If I could go back—well, I'd give anything to go back.”
He stares at me, the wonder of the moment shining in his eyes, his head nodding. “I understand. And I do forgive you. I just wish you were still here. All the time, you know? Like before.” He looks like he might actually cry. It would be the first time—that I know of—since I died.
“Me too.” I lean close, inhaling the familiar scent of his cologne and sweat. “I'll still be here watching, so be good.” With a chuckle, I kiss his cheek, bestowing all the love in that one gesture that I can.”
“Can I tell Mom and Dad about this?” he asks.
“Definitely. I want them to know I've been here all along, and so has Gram and Natty too. I'm happy where I am. Really. Tell them that.” It is a partial truth. I'd much rather be with them in a real body, experiencing life, and not on my way to wherever I'll be sent, but I want them to move on, to release the pain they've been harboring. The pain that I caused. “And tell them I'm really sorry.”
“I will.” A smile stretches across his face, happier and more content than I've seen him in a long time. The stress lines around his eyes relax and the hardness of his mouth smoothes. “They'll be so happy.”
“And no more fighting with Mom.”
“You saw that?”
“Um, yeah. I did.”
He shakes his head, lost in the memory, but not quite as embarrassed as before. The flow has come back, that comfortable camaraderie we shared.
“Well, you better get going,” I say, standing. “You should get home.”
He dusts off his pants, his black robe at his feet, trampled and filthy. “Where will you go?”
“To heaven, of course!” I say with false bravado, a tug in my heart. I'm not about to let him see my anxiety on that topic. “You don't worry about me. Things always work out.” I motion toward the room's entrance. It opens without a sound. Derek is free to go even though he can't see the angel who has opened the door.
I kiss my fingers and then wave to him, all the while holding in my true feelings of d
espondency, loneliness, and uncertainty.
CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN
~In the Nick of Time~
Brecken
It all comes back to me in a flash—my past, a crystal-clear memory. The angels and demons that had surrounded me so long ago. The raging battles. Anaita, Andras, Raphael, everyone. Everyone who is here now.
My body aches and burns from my murder just moments before, and I can hardly move. The noise and clang of steel swords, the screaming of eternal death ...those cries that I will never forget, are repeated here again. It's almost more than I can stand and the constant thought that pounds through my mind is that I have failed my earthly probation.
I was given this one chance at mortality. Now it's over. I remember the promises I made, that I would choose good over evil, that my damned soul would be redeemed. It seems I made one mistake after another. One failure after another. How could I have ever dreamed I'd get what I wished for in the end? God. Heaven. Angels. Eternity.
Anguish fills my heart and I want nothing more—after all this time and effort—to roll over to give up, but I roll over and see Alisa struggling, like a pinned bug, beneath Anaita's weight.
In a flash, my pain is forgotten as I reach out and seize Anaita's wrist. She turns, surprised, staring into my eyes in horror.
“Enough,” I whisper, just as I had on that ashen battlefield so long ago. She'd been at my mercy then as well. I remember her kneeling at my feet as my sword was poised above her. I should have killed her then.
My thoughts shift back to the present. To Alisa. The resignation of an eternal death on her face. If nothing else, I will stop this, but will Alisa ever understand? Will she still accept me for who I am once she knows the truth?
Who would want someone so tarnished, so... damaged?
I can't look at her. Not yet. I can't bear to see the condemnation in her eyes. They have to have told her already, and if Raphael hasn't, Anaita surely has.
Anaita steals Alisa away and I can do nothing to stop them from leaving. I fall off the bed in my effort and lie on the floor. I wait, too weak to move, until the angel-warriors I know and remember surround me, buoying me up. I let them lead me away when the battle ends. I let them separate me from my guardian.
CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
~ Alone Again~
Alisa
After Derek leaves, I look down the hall to the room where Brecken was held. Just the fact that he is some bigwig demon-turned-angel leaves me reeling. How could I not have known, not have seen it? His aura did tend to shine brighter than most human beings did, but I'd chalked it up to his gifts of being able to see auras and spirits.
I think back to all the conversations we had and how I acted like such a stupid teenager. And I can't help but feel like Raphael used me, and that bit of truth flares hot in my chest like a bad case of heartburn. I hadn't been sent to be a guardian, but a spy.
Brecken knew what I was all along. Maybe he hadn't clearly comprehended it—without his memories—but on some level he knew. It was me who hadn't realized I was a secret agent.
Knowing I'm not needed here anymore, I close my eyes, figuring the only place to go is back to Idir Shoal.
How depressing.
***
I sit on my bed in Idir Shaol thinking. How stupid is it to have a bed when I don't sleep? Everything that ever bothered me about this place rises to the forefront of my mind. I hate the fake sunshine, the constant cheerfulness of those who work here, and I really hate the pretend sky. Do they think we're idiots? We know it isn't real, and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better.
The other thing is that I haven't seen anyone I care about yet. I did learn it was Natty who found Raphael and told his army of angels to save Brecken and me.
Now I am right back where I started, only more bereft, more depressed, and lonelier than ever. I have nothing to look forward to. I lie back and stare at the annoying ceiling, the puffy clouds floating by in the shapes of bunnies, kittens, and baby chicks. I yearn to reach up and rip the heads off all of them.
I miss Brecken with an ache I can't describe. My heart feels hollow, and all I want to do is cry, but no matter how much I try, no matter how much I wish it, those cleansing tears never appear.
I face the wall, scrunching my eyes shut. I'll lie here until I am forced to leave. Maybe I'll leave if my old roommates show up, which makes me wonder where they are. Have they become guardians? Even Deedre? I'd like to see that on a movie screen.
“No,” I hear someone say beside me. “She chose to go to Soul Prison instead.”
I turn abruptly to find Raphael sitting on Shana's bed, facing me, looking like my old mentor and not the avenging angel he was only a short while ago. I view him with a whole new level of appreciation. His long, wavy hair falls over his shoulders, and his green eyes regard me with sadness.
“Really?”
He nods. “Some do.”
“What about Shana and Cinder? Are they guardians too?”
“Yes, they both are. And doing well.” He shifts, placing his right foot on his left knee and leans forward, his eyes intense and seeing right through me. “You did very well, Alisa.”
I snort and am tempted to turn back to face the wall. Instead, I bow my head, shame filling me. “You mean falling in love with your charge is condoned now? Good to know.”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Always the joker.”
“No. A cynic. So now what?”
“Come. There's someone I want you to see.” He holds his hand out. That strong, fighting, powerful, yet gentle hand.
With resignation I say, “I don't know, Raphael. I don't really feel like seeing anyone right now.” My head hangs and my heart feels empty. I want to stay here and wallow... and eat Rocky Road ice cream.
“You'll want to see this person.”
It has to be Gram, come to say good-bye and send me off to Soul Prison in grand style. I should be grateful and relieved that she would come after the huge mess I made. But inside, I resist. I didn't want to see her pitying smile.
Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll get a spot close to the light, on the edge of tar and mist, away from people like Mr. Roland. I should have forgiven him long ago, but I hadn't been ready. Funny how that works.
“Okay.”
Raphael drapes my arm through his and closes his eyes. One second later, we appear in his office, the fictitious light of the noonday sun shining brightly through the wide windows on the far wall.
“Wait for just a moment.” He folds his arms over his wide chest and a smile splits his face. He seems inordinately happy.
“What?” I ask with a bit of petulance.
There is a tap on the door and the handle turns. I watch in slow motion as a whoosh of air blows past me, a flash of white appears, then a bare foot steps in, followed by the rest of the man, or should I say, teenager.
“Brecken!” I exhale in breathless surprise. One emotion after another rolls through me. Surprise, happiness, worry, euphoria, apprehension, and then back to happiness and surprise. I want to run forward, to throw my arms around his neck, to kiss him soundly, but I seriously can't move.
“Well, I have some things to do.” Raphael winks in my direction, then the door clicks shut behind him and we are alone.
I don't know what to say as I look into Brecken's wonderfully familiar face, the way his eyes blink slowly, his crooked, innocent grin, how his fingers twitch against his thigh—playing a drum tap to some imagined song. He wears a long, white robe down to his ankles, and his feet are bare. He is all Brecken, whole and perfect, and I feel tortured along with my euphoria.
He steps forward, a shy smile playing on his lips. “Surprised?”
I know if he touches me right now he will feel real, not like I'm a ghost and he's a human. My feet know where I want to go and move toward him.
“I asked to see you one last time, before I have go back.”
I stop before him, our faces only inches apart. The lump in my throat disso
lves. “Go back?”
He measures our proximity, his eyes questioning. “Yes. I wanted to see you.”
He is so close. I want to lean forward and kiss him. The thought sends a thrill through me and he smiles as if he has read my thoughts. His hand reaches out. His touch feels real—just like I knew it would—with heat, solid and wonderful. He pulls me closer and his eyes close.
Time slows, and in slow motion, I am surrounded by his arms. I feel the whole length of him—the muscles in his legs next to mine, the hard planes of his chest, the splay of his hands on my back. A beautiful tingle fills my hands as I slide them slowly up and down his neck. I smile in spite of myself. “I can't believe you're here,” I whisper into his ear.
“I can't stay long,” he murmurs against my neck. “I have to finish my tour of duty on Earth, but then we really can be together, just like we wanted. I don't have to forget any of this. I don't have to forget you. They're letting me keep these memories.”
“But why do you have to go back at all? Why can't you stay here?”
“It's my penance, Alisa. I have to complete it. I have to go back and live a normal life as a semi-normal human and try to make a difference.” He studies me, the love in his eyes, a gift. “You see, what Lamia said is true. I am a fallen angel. I rooted for the wrong team, and I have to pay for that mistake.” He smiles sadly, embarrassed, and I experience those aching feelings through my fingers.
“It was Raphael who saved me. He saw something inside worth saving. I was given a chance to start over.”
“Wow. That's... just so hard to even comprehend.” I look at Brecken, the same Brecken I've known all along, but now, his face glows, shines, and his smile radiates a happiness I've never seen before.
“You'll make it,” I said. “You belong in heaven.”
He glances at our joined hands, rubbing his thumb over the back of my fingers. The soft pressure creates a yearning inside me, and all I want to do is hold him. I can't bear the thought of releasing him and leaving. Does he know I'm being sent to Soul Prison? How can he think we'll ever be together? I can’t be the one to tell him, to disappoint him, so I say nothing.
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