by Chuck Tingle
BUTT WARS
Rogue Buns
By Chuck Tingle
My time here on planet Gerbin has not been easy, but that’s to be expected when you’re trapped on a floating rock of lowlifes and marauders at the farthest edge of the galaxy. This is a place when the very notion of law is something to laugh about, where justice is doled out at the end of a blaster.
The wild frontier lifestyle is exactly why I ended up here in the first place, and even though my ship is out of commission at the moment, I don’t know if I’d take off even if I could. After all, where am I going to go?
The last time I checked, I was one of the most wanted petty criminals in the entire galaxy, a title that is equally impressive and embarrassing. It’s not like I would want to get involved in high profile charges, and I’m certainly not one to get violent, but tacking the word “petty” on the front of anything kind of destroys any sense of real accomplishment.
I’ve never taken someone’s life, only their livelihood. As a thief and a hustler, I’ve managed to swindle hundreds of creatures from across the universe in any number of scams, or simply opportunities of straight up burglary. I was getting away with it, too, living large in a ship that was ten times the size of the one that I’m now stuck with in these swamps. Back in those days, I was just as notorious but in an entirely different way; a high roller as opposed to a fugitive on the run.
Eventually, however, my criminal behavior started to catch up with me. After a run in with the local authorities over in Sector 530, I was forced to abandon the ship I call home and high tail it as far out into the stars as I possibly could, on a stolen puddle jumper that managed to get me here and them promptly crash on arrival. Fortunately, this dump of a planet is lawless enough that I was able to simply live in the remains of my vessel without much trouble.
These days I spend my time making a living in the local card game at Jub’s Cantina, the nearby watering hole for renegades and degenerates who are just as bad as I am.
I’m typically greeted warmly by the bar tender, Jub himself, but tonight is an exception. The second that I walk through the door Jub starts shaking his head, his three eyes wide.
“You better get out of here,” Jub tells me. “They’re looking for you.”
“Who is?” I ask.
“The Bubble Alliance,” Jub continues.
I have to admit, this is not the response that I expected. In this time of turmoil, The Umpire is the signature force of law and order throughout the galaxy, if you could call their oppressive brand of justice law and order. Very few are fans of The Umpire and it’s powerful grasp on tax and trade, and their warlike nature is something that is certainly to be feared.
In response to The Umpire’s icy grip, The Bubble Alliance has slowly started to take back sections of the galaxy, bringing things to a relatively peaceful balance. It’s not uncommon for me to deal with the Bubbles, but my crimes were against Umpire law, so I have no idea what this other faction could possibly want with me.
Regardless, I don’t care to find out.
The second that I recognize the situation I spin around and head back towards the door from which I came, but immediately find that my path is blocked by two Bubble fighters with their blasters drawn.
“Lerpo Yams?” one of the imposing men asks.
I shake my head. “Nope.”
The two fighters exchange glances. “Please come with us, sir.”
Realizing that there’s simply no way out of this, I finally relax and put my hands in the air. One of the Bubbles comes forward and searches me, finding my weapon and removing it from its holster.
“Am I under arrest for something?” I question. “I’ve got a wrap sheet with The Umpire a mile long, but the last time I checked you guys don’t want much to do with them.”
“Just come with us, sir,” the fighters repeat, nodding towards the door.
I let out a long sigh and do as I’m told, exiting the cantina while the eyes of the nearby criminals remain locked onto me. I have no doubt they are brimming with excitement as they watch one of their peers get carted away.
The resistance fighters walk behind me as we head out into the swamp, their weapons trained directly against my back. Fortunately, this is a particularly dry season on Gerbin and we have found ourselves with a long, grassy pathway that cuts through the bog.
It’s not long before I find myself standing at the base of a large Bubble Alliance ship that rest comfortably at the center of a small clearing, marshland mist swirling up and around it. The cargo bay is already open like a giant gaping maw, beckoning me inside to meet whatever fate has been brought down upon me.
“Nice place you’ve got here,” I tell the fighters as we head inside.
It sounds snarky, but I’m telling the truth. I’ve been on this planet so long that I can’t even remember the way that a clean, well-kept ship feels, no moss or mold slowly making it’s way through the cracks and no vines crawling down from the vents above.
“Over there,” one of the fighters commands.
We make our way down a long corridor until eventually arriving in a small meeting room that appears to be designated for tactical planning of some kind. There is a small round table with two guards seated on opposite sides, and a handsome uniformed captain in the middle. The captain stands up to greet me, extending his hand with a shockingly inviting break in protocol.
“Lepro, it’s nice to finally put a face to the long list of criminal charges,” offers the Captain. “I’m Rool.”
We shake and then take a seat across from each other.
“Those are Umpire charges,” I counter. “I’m guessing they don’t mean much to you.”
Rool shakes his head. “Stealing from Umpire weapons facilities, swindling class nine Umpire admirals out of their hard earned wages… I’d say you were a hero.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” I tell him.
Rool hesitates. “But you could be.”
I can tell by the way that the man says this there is something incredibly heavy and important behind his words, a plea of desperation from someone who doesn’t typically find themselves begging.
One of the guards sitting between us reaches below the table and pulls out a case, unlocking the snaps and then allowing the cover to glide upward. I gasp aloud when I see the credits inside, a wealth that I have never even come close to attaining on even my biggest criminal score. It also fills me with dread, because I know that no bounty this large was every presented for a safe or simple task.
“There’s enough there to get you off of this planet and back on your feet,” says Rool.
I laugh. “There’s enough there to never work again.”
Rool nods.
“What do you need from me?” I question.
“The Umpire is constructing a weapon,” says Rool, “something the likes of which we have never seen. It’s a space station the size of a moon, with two large round orbs that are capable of firing a massive laser and destroying an entire planet. It’s called, The Butt Star.”
I shake my head in disgust. “How could they take something as beautiful as a giant butt and turn it into something so terrible.”
“I know, I know,” Rool nods. “It’s a disgrace, and we need your help stopping them.”
“I’m a hell of a hustler,” I tell the captain, “but I don’t see how I’m going to help you stop a planet destroying butt from being built.”
“You’re half right,” Rool replies, “it’s too late to stop them from building The Butt Star, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t destroy it before it does too much damage. We are prepared to make an assault run on The Butt Star in one month’s time, but before we do that we need to know where to hit them. We have i
ntelligence from within the Umpire’s ranks telling us that there is a vent on the outside of The Butt Star, an venerable location that our pilots can hit just right and destroy the entire thing. If you can steal a set of blueprints from The Butt Star’s construction, then we can find this venerable location.”
To be honest, I’m shocked by the simplicity of this plan, the stakes absolutely massive but my part in them relatively small, especially for the amount that I’ll be compensated.
“Seems easy enough,” I counter.
“The plans are closely guarded,” Rool informs me. “You won’t be able to just walk in there and take them, you’ll need to use your skills of seduction. You’ll need to be… erotic.”
As far as I’m concerned, that’s just a bonus to the already easy task at hand.
“Alright,” I say with a nod. “Who has the plans?”
Rool hesitates for a moment, not sure of how to continue. “Darth Bater,” he finally says.
Immediately, my heart sinks. Darth Bater is one of the most notorious villains in the galaxy, not just because of his position as the Umpire’s second in command, but because of his inability to be seduced by anyone and anything. It is said that he masturbates twenty times a day, keeping his sexual desires completely satiated by means of his own bionic hand. He is impossible to seduce.
I scoff. “You’re joking. It can’t be done.”
“It has to be done,” Rool informs me. “The fate of the galaxy depends on it.”
“Listen, I’m interested in joining the cause,” I explain, “and for that kind of money I’d be a fool not to, but this a suicide mission. Darth Bater cannot be seduced, that’s just a fact. Even if I could turn him on, how am I supposed to get alone with him in the first place?”
“We have reason to believe that Darth Bater will be staying on Chirba-45 tomorrow evening as he oversees a new batch of Umpire casinos. We have placed bribes with his security detail and you will be allowed safe passage into his quarters.”
“And then what?” I question. “I just turn him on?”
Rool looks me up and down, taking in my muscular presence. “If anyone can do it, you can,” he tells me.
As this moment I feel a sharp twinge of confident arousal shoot through me. Darth Bater may be notoriously unsexual, but I’ve never heard of him finding himself in the presence of a hustler as convincing as I am. With my boyish good looks and bad boy charm, I’m still a force to be reckoned with.
I glance over at the open case, the credits just sitting there and taunting me with a future of incredible freedom and wealth.
“Alright,” I finally say with a long sigh. “I’ll do it.”
Chirba-45 is a much different planet then the one I’ve been stuck on for the last few years. It’s just as wet as the marshlands of Gerbin, but in an entirely different way, covered in beachy coastlines and tropical palms that sway in the cool ocean breeze.
While it may seem a little too nice for some of the most dastardly characters in The Umpire, they apparently have a silent hand in almost everything here, taxing the local and turning the entire planet into a playground for the galaxies wealthy elite. Creatures travel from light-years away just to relax on these sandy shores, and the lions share of their credits go towards funding The Umpire.
I’m dropped off on Chriba-45 with the cover of being a local investor, looking to propose a new luxury hotel on these pristine alien shores. While Darth Bater is certainly busy during his time here, I have a meeting scheduled for eight.
It’s nearly time.
Arriving at the Umpire base, I climb out of my speeder pod and look up at the massive grey dome, taking in the structure as it looms with menace over the tropical vista around it.
The nearby guards are immediately suspicious of my presence, drawing their blasters until I show them my credentials and they wave me onward; after a throughout inspection, of course. I have no weapons on me for them to find, my mission holding a singular, erotic purpose.
I’m met by some kind of Umpire ambassador, then lead through a gate and up a large set to stairs. At the top of the steps is the dome’s entrance; where even more armed guards are stationed. We stop before them.
“The password please,” the Umpire ambassador says.
My heart drops, realizing immediately that I have no idea what he is talking about. This is not something that the Bubbles had planned for, some kind of new security measure that our intelligence must have missed when they were procuring my safe passage.
“The password…” I stammer, trying to think fast. I’m a smooth talker when I need to be, but I know for a fact that there’s no way to talk myself out of this one. My only hope is in simply guessing the password for myself.
My gaze drifts up towards the massive Butt Star station that floats in the sky above us like a perfect pair of planet sized buns.
“The password,” I start again, “is butt…” I let the word drift off, watching as the ambassador starts to smile. “…holes?”
“Right this way,” the ambassador announces with a nod.
The guards step aside to allow us passage.
Soon enough we find ourself in a long, empty hallway that extends deep down into the structure.
“Don’t get too excited,” the ambassador tells me, his voice lowered. “I’m the only one who knows the daily password, but luckily I’m on your side.”
I’m shocked at the incredible revelation. “So you’re the mole?” I question.
The ambassador nods.
“Why didn’t you grab the plans?” I ask him.
We reach an elevator and the ambassador waves me inside. “Do I look like I could seduce Darth Bater?” he scoffs.
“Does he really masturbate that much?” I question.
The ambassador doesn’t answer me, leaving me instead with a statement as the elevator door closes. “You’re our only hope,” the ambassador says.
Suddenly I find myself alone on the lift, hurtling upwards towards the top of the dome. When the elevator slows to a stop I find myself flooded with anxiety, unsure if I am equipped to carry out this dangerous and terrifying mission.
The door slides open and before me is a large, sterile meeting room, across which stands a tall figure in a black cloak. Atop his head is a dark helmet, and from within it emanates a deep, mechanical breathing.
“Hello,” I offer meekly. “Darth Bater?”
Slowly, the figure turns around to reveal his terrifying visage, a jet-black suit of space-age armor topped by a skeletal mask of darkness. The breathing gets louder and louder as he approaches, and just as he’s about the reach me the figure reaches up to remove his helmet. He does so very slowly, lifting it up and away until finally revealing the face of a handsome unicorn underneath.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Darth Bater says. “I’m Darth.”
The imposing creature extends a mechanical hoof and shakes my hand, immediately filling me with a visceral attraction to this handsome unicorn dictator. Heading into this, genuine lust for Bater was not something that I expected to feel, but now that I’m here the sensation is unmistakable.
“I’m Lerpo,” I say, momentarily forgetting that I was instructed to use a fake name.
“I hear you’re interested in being a part of the construction here on Chirba-45. Seven billion credits is a lot of money to put behind the cause of the Umpire.” Darth Bater informs me.
“What can I say, I like what you’ve done with the place,” I tell him. “The sand, the surf.”
“Not really my thing,” Bater tells me bluntly. “Although I appreciate your support, none the less. I think your hotel would be great here.”
I can already tell that I’m losing the unicorn’s interest with this business talk, and losing it fast. I wouldn’t normally make a move so quickly but at this point a swift attempt at intimacy is my only hope.
“What is your thing?” I ask Bater, reaching out and touching his hoof again. The unicorn stares back at me for a second with a menac
ingly blank expression, but as our eyes lock I can briefly see something flicker playfully behind them. I’m fully aware that Darth Bater keeps himself drained of all sexuality, but who is to say there isn’t some force of gay lust lurking deep down within him. He is a creature of darkness, yes, but I still believe I can find some good.
“What are you trying to say?” the unicorn asks gruffly.
I’m faced with the choice of pulling back immediately or doubling down on my seduction, and I decide to courageously push onward. “Is this your thing?” I continue, running my hand up the length of the unicorn’s arm until it rests against his cheek.
I pull Darth Bater towards me and he does not resist, in fact, he wraps his arms around my body and pulls me even tighter. Our lips meet and suddenly the two of us find ourselves in a powerful embrace, making out ferociously as we give in to our homoerotic temptations.
Suddenly, Bater steps back. “What am I doing?” he asks aloud. “I’m never this horny.”
“Maybe there’s more than just lust happen here,” I offer. “Maybe love doesn’t care how horny you are.”
Suddenly, we are kissing again, our hands and hooves frantically exploring each other’s bodies. Overwhelmed with desire, I drop down into a squat before the handsome unicorn and remove his cock from the front of his black space suit.
I open wide and take Bater’s shaft into my mouth, bobbing my head up and down across his length is a series of slow pumps while the warlord moans and groans above me. He places his hands on the back of my head, helping to guide me along his shaft as the movements become faster. Soon enough, I am jackhammering my face across the length of the unicorn’s rod, giving myself to him completely in a bombastic oral submission.
Eventually, I push down as far as I can, relaxing the muscles of my neck as I consume Darth Bater entirely. My face pressed up against his beautiful, mechanical unicorn abs, I savor this moment, suddenly realizing that my mission of seduction has become nothing but an afterthought. In this moment, I want nothing more than to give myself to this powerful Umpire ruler, not as a servant of The Umpire, but as a handsome gay lover whose heart is fully open to the unicorn before him.
