Easing off my bed, I stood up. Checking myself out in my full-length mirror, I made sure to wipe away any signs of distress. I then switched out of my room, preparing to go over to Jeremy’s parents’ and confront him. However, I made it downstairs and was stopped dead in my tracks.
“Baby girl, where are you headed?” My daddy quizzed, as he approached me shirtless.
“Ewe, daddy, where’s your shirt,” I faked disgust. It was crazy to be practically an adult and have a daddy very much still in his prime. My daddy’s upper body was cut and covered in tats, consisting of our names and my mama’s whole face. Seeing the sweat trickle down his chest, I was almost sure that he’d been playing basketball, which was his favorite pastime.
“I left it back on the court,” he revealed, which didn’t surprise me. One of his favorite parts of our home was the indoor basketball court. He’d host games and get to live out his old hoop dreams for a few hours, here and there. “But stop deflecting. Where are you headed?”
I tucked my lips into my mouth. “I’m just going up the street to see Auntie Paris.”
Immediately, he gave me the side eye. “Jhyrah, cut the bullshit.”
I sighed. “Well, I’ll probably holler at Jeremy while I’m there too.”
He offered a half smile. “Yeah, okay, but I thought that you were waiting around on your mama for something.”
“Yeah, she was supposed to bring me some pads back, but she was taking too long. I guess she’s back because Jahrae just told me that she wanted me to come eat.”
He licked his lips. “Some pads, huh? It’s funny you should say that, because I was just about to have a serious ass talk with you.”
I frowned. “A talk? A talk about what?”
He studied me intently. “How many kids do I have, Jhyrah?”
I gulped. “Nine.”
“And I’ve been in the same house for eight of those pregnancies, right?”
I nodded, afraid of where he was going with this.
“So, I usually can smell a baby all over your mama. And you…you were beginning to have that same scent.”
“Oh my God, daddy, you’re tripping—”
“Jhyrah,” he cut me off. “Stop it. Don’t stand here and insult my intelligence. You think that I don’t know what’s up? That boy don’t call your phone from sun up to sun down for nothing. The way yall carry on. The way he looks at you…tells me everything I need to know. I just avoid the shit, because who wants to think about their daughter…having sex?”
I uncomfortably scratched the back of my neck.
“But yeah,” he continued. “I know that you’re not a baby, anymore. Hell, the only real comfort I had was knowing that your mama was always on top of your birth control,” he uttered, which was mostly true. My mama had forced me to get on birth control, after Josairah came up pregnant. That situation was sobering to my mama, helping her realize that just because they’d moved us out in the burbs didn’t mean that we weren’t going to fuck. However, over time, she’d become more relaxed, which aided in my slip-up. “Then I found out that your mama hadn’t gone to your last doctor’s visit, and you started showing all the signs. I’ve been sick to my stomach for the past few weeks, thinking that you’d fucked around and gotten knocked up. So, I aint never been happier to hear about somebody bleeding.”
I produced a fake smile, praying that he couldn’t see through the bullshit. “Yea, like I said, daddy, you were tripping. A baby is the least of my concerns. But let me ask you this. If you felt like I was having sex, why have you been so cool about it?”
He smirked. “I wouldn’t say that I was cool about it. I’m just a realist. I can’t stop you from growing up. It’s inevitable, but I will say that who’ve you’ve chosen to be with helps me to sleep at night.”
I arched a brow. “How is that?”
He cleared his throat. “Jeremy really fucks with you and in this world it’s hard to know who’s sincere. I know that little nigga is down with you, so I worry less. He’s a good little dude and I’m glad that you’re with him.”
Hearing that nearly made my knees buckle. My daddy was hard as hell to impress because he had me on a pedestal, yet he deemed Jeremy worthy. That alone said it all, and I’d fucked that up. I was sick to the stomach, thinking of Jeremy leaving me alone for good.
“Daddy, can I ask you something?” I asked, praying that I didn’t break down into deep sobs.
I knew that he could detect the somberness in my voice as he furrowed his brows. “Anything. But what’s wrong, baby?”
I breathed. “Jeremy’s mad at me about something. And I wanted to ask you if there was anything my mama could do that you’d deem unforgivable.”
He stroked his waves. “That’s a hell of a question, baby girl. And honestly, I don’t know. I mean, I might get pissed off…wanna fuck her up even…but to be completely done…it would take a lot. And even then, if she’d tell me she’s sorry and mean it…I’d probably forgive her. That’s the one thing I can honestly say about your mama. She don’t mind doing a little graveling when she’s fucked up. Me neither. Swallowing pride sometimes can fix plenty within relationships.”
***
Butterflies brewed in the pit of my stomach, as I rang the doorbell. I didn’t know what to expect. I still hadn’t talked to Jeremy and he could very well want to spit in my face, but it was a chance that I’d have to take.
“Hey, baby,” I was greeted by the sweetest smile.
“Hey, Auntie Paris,” I replied, before we embraced.
“What’s going on with you?” she questioned, as we released each other.
I stepped into the house and took a deep breath. “Too much to explain. Is Jeremy here?” I glanced around.
“Yeah, he is, but let’s chat for a second,” she suggested, guiding me out back to the pool area.
We copped a seat on a sunbed, as Auntie Paris sipped some wine. “So, what’s going on with you and my son?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s mad at me and I’m just trying to get him to understand where I’m coming from.”
She nodded, as she took another sip of wine. “You know that’s gonna be a hard thing to do. He’s not understanding why you had to get an abortion.”
I gasped. “He told you too?” I knew that Uncle Jay Rock was aware of my pregnancy, but that was different. He'd known about us dating before everybody else and said nothing to anyone, letting us do our thing freely.
She nodded. “He did.”
I palmed my face in sheer embarrassment. “Oh, my God.”
“Girl, stop being overly dramatic. You wasn’t shame when you were opening them legs. Besides, I’m not here to judge. Yall are young as hell and I just knew that you wouldn’t slip up right now, but it happened. You’re human and I get why you decided what you decided. But my baby is hurting, and I just want to know how you plan to deal with that.”
“I don’t know. What do you think I should do?”
“Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and listen to whatever he has to say. Let him get it all off his chest. Don’t argue, because this aint about you, anymore. This is about him and how he’s feeling.”
I nodded, understanding where she was coming from. “Is he in his room?”
“I think he’s in the game room.”
I stood up. “Okay, well, let me go talk to him.”
Again, she simply nodded, as I headed back into the house.
Heading to their game room, I was a ball of nerves, but I pushed on. As I twisted into the room, I noticed him sitting in a recliner, talking on his cell. Something inside of me ignited, realizing that he had plenty of energy to entertain somebody else, while my calls went unanswered.
“Uh, so, you can talk on the phone but ignore my calls?”
Jeremy and Jerrod both turned to look at me.
Jerrod smirked. “What’s up, sister-in-law?”
“Hey,” I spoke, before sauntering in front of Jeremy.
Continuing to talk on the ph
one, he ignored me. “Nah, what were you saying?”
“Jeremy, are you for real, right now?”
He glared up at me without saying a word.
“Jeremy, I need to talk to you, now!”
Angrily, his lips curled. “Don’t come in here barking out demands. I don’t move on your fuckin’ command.”
Gritting my teeth, I was about to go off, until I caught myself. Aggression wasn’t going to win this battle. I had to humble myself, which wasn’t the easiest thing for me to do. “Jeremy, please, just come talk to me. That’s all I want.”
“Man, I aint got nothing to say to you. So, you need to go’on ‘bout your business.”
Frustrated wasn’t even the word for what I felt, right then. I knew that he wasn’t going to make this easy for me, so I had to work around him. Therefore, I glanced at Jerrod. “Big bro, can you give me a minute to talk to him?”
Jerrod looked from me to Jeremy, before nodding. “Alright. I’m hungry, anyway,” he claimed, as he stood up, before exiting the room.
I remained in front of Jeremy, who was still on the phone.
“I don’t know. I might come through in a few,” he told somebody.
I scowled. “Who are you talking to?”
He sucked his teeth, completely ignoring my question. “What you was saying?”
I wasn’t used to him carrying me like this, so I was deep in my feelings. One part of me wanted to go off, while the other side was simply hurt. “Okay,” I sniveled, struggling to keep it together. “I guess that means that you don’t wanna talk to me. So, I’ma go,” my voice cracked.
Sighing heavily, he sat up. “Aye, let me call you back, man.” He ended the call. “What do you want, Jhyrah?”
“Why haven’t you responded to any of my calls?”
“Because I don’t want to talk to you.”
My stomach did flips. “But why?”
“Come on, man. If you’re gonna come in here and press me to talk to you, then at least keep it real. Don’t play no fuckin’ games.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know that. You’re one sorry muthafucka. Anything else?”
“Okay. I deserve that. You can call me whatever you want. Get it all off of your chest, and when you’re done, we can talk.”
He exhaled. “And what am I gonna get outta talking to you crazy, Jhyrah?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you’ll feel better.” I opened my arms.
He licked his lips. “When I woke up this morning…you know what was the first thing I did?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“I picked up the phone to call you, because that’s what I normally do. With no hesitation or preservations, I tell you everything. There wasn’t a soul alive that could make me feel a way about being that close to you. I fuckin’ moved clear across the country just because you said that you’d go with me. We’re supposed to have something special. Am I wrong?”
“No,” I quickly replied.
“Then how is it that you went through that whole situation without talking to me? I talk to you all day, every day. And you went took some tests without telling me shit. You processed that in your head, then had the courage to ask Cocoa to go with you to have an abortion. Everything was on you. But that aint never been us. We don’t make our own separate moves. Regardless of anything, I should’ve been the first person you discussed everything with. I should’ve had days or weeks to think, just like you did. Instead, you sprung all this shit on me, and expected me to just let it go. None of that felt good. You aint the Jhyrah that I know, right now. And I’m pissed that you think that cussing you out will fix any of this.”
I twiddled my fingers. “So, what chu want me to do, Jeremy?”
He frowned. “I don’t know. How can I move forward when everything has changed? We’ll be different. I won’t look at you the same.”
“But why?” I blurted. “I’m still the same person. Nothing has changed. And you’re right. I should’ve told you about my pregnancy the minute I knew. I was just so scared. Having a baby would’ve changed everything for us. Then I thought about our parents and how they had us so young. I thought about the things my daddy has shared with me. He talked about jumping off the porch too soon. He had responsibilities that made him let go of his dreams. Money can’t raise a baby, Jeremy. It takes time and sacrifice. And I didn’t want you waking up one day realizing that you haven’t experienced much outside of me and want out. I thought about us…and I realized that we aren’t ready. And yeah, if we had to take care of a baby, we could. But there’d be plenty of days of doing things we don’t want to, while our peers enjoy life. I didn’t want that for us. When I look into your eyes…I feel like I can be with you forever. But I know that forever takes work. We can’t go too fast, baby, because we might not make it. And losing us was something I couldn’t stomach, so I made an executive decision. Yes, I was wrong for not including you, but I knew that if I gave you time…you’d just talk me out of it. I had to do it right then and there or not at all. Because I never imagined getting rid of our baby, but it was too soon, Jeremy,” my lips quivered. “Please understand that I’d never intentionally hurt you. So, for that I apologize.” Tears slipped from my eyes. “And I just need you to forgive me. Pleeeease,” I broke down into heavy sobs. “I promise to never do anything like that again. Just don’t break my heart. I’m begging you.”
He tucked his lips into his mouth, as the room fell silent.
I stood sniffling.
I noticed that his eyes were blood shot red, as he loudly exhaled. “It’s funny how you can stand there and beg me not to break your heart. The fuck you think you did to mine?”
I swear to God it felt like someone had reached into my chest and squeezed my heart, as those words left his mouth.
“I can’t do this with you, Jhyrah. I can’t.” he stood up and kissed my tearstained cheek. “You be good, alright?”
Standing stiffly, I watched him walk out on me. My chest heaved up and down, as the tears flowed. Unquestionably, I’d fucked up, and what the hell was I gonna do now?
Chapter 11
Jhyrah
“I've tried to change but they always around, pulling me down in bed. Gave you my word but they were just broken promises. Broken condoms, lipstick marks and unprotected sex—" Chris Brown belted from the speakers in my mama’s Benz. I had never paid much attention to his and Rick Ross’ Sorry until this very moment.
I sat in the passenger’s seat silently, as I found myself getting lost in all the lyrics. Although he was singing about cheating, I swear some of the song applied to me.
“Sorry, won't turn back the clock. Baby I took advantage 'cause I knew you.
Wouldn't believe it, so I used you. I'm sorry, oh I'm sorry don't make it right, I know—"
I was love sick and hearing this and any other song had me seconds away from having a mental breakdown.
“I'm just a typical ordinary nigga. But I know that I can't change the rules. All this time I blamed you 'cause I know what I'm doing. Stepping on your heart again, relationship ruined—"
Glancing my way, my mama lowered the volume of the music. “Why are you looking that?”
“Like what?” I turned to look at her.
“Like you’re seconds away from crying.”
I solemnly shrugged.
She shook her head with a grin. “I was just about tell you that whatever is going on between you and Jeremy aint that deep, but I caught myself. I was in love with your daddy at your age, so I won’t say that. But we were different. We had kids and shit. Be grateful that things haven’t gotten that deep. You can walk away without the baggage.”
I tucked my lips into her mouth, wishing that she was right. Me and Jeremy were no different. We’d created life too and my decision to terminate it won’t erase what it was. I’d killed our baby and I’d have to live with that for the rest of my life. And if I’d known that I’d lose Jeremy ove
r it…I wouldn’t have done it.
It was Saturday and we were headed to the mall when I should’ve been boarding a flight. Jeremy’s family were headed to Hawaii and surprisingly my daddy had agreed with me going. It didn’t matter, though, because I knew that Jeremy didn’t want me going, so I stayed home. Auntie Paris insisted that I didn’t listen and come along, anyway, but I just couldn’t do it. I knew that if Jeremy continued to reject me, I’d lose it and that would undoubtedly ruin everyone’s trip. So now, I was spending my last week in Houston with my family, trying not to drown in my sorrows.
“We aint gonna stress over him,” my mama held, as we hopped out of her car, after she’d valet parked in front of the Galleria mall. “Let’s tear this muthafucka down, so you can pull up to school in style. Focus on yourself for a little bit. Starting college single is probably for the best. Now, you can really see what’s out there for you.”
Adjusting the Nike cap on my head, I nodded. Wearing Nike leggings and a matching sports bra that extended to the middle of my stomach, I was dressed super-casual, prepared to shop ‘til we dropped. Me and my mama were ghetto twins as she was dressed just like me. Looking her up and down, I understood why boys and men all around crushed on her. Her shape was immaculate as there was no evidence of her birthing eight children.
Naturally, the first place we headed to was Neiman Marcus’ and then Saks. We’d spent over an hour in each store, therefore I needed something to eat before going into anymore stores. So, we grabbed some slices of supreme pizza in the food court and found a table to sit at. After a few minutes, my mama decided to run into Kids’ Footlocker to grab the smaller kids some shoes. Since I wore a six in kids, she was grabbing me some from there as well. In her usual pushy fashion, she didn’t need me to shop for me, because I was wearing whatever she liked. That lady always had to dress me, and I don’t think that it would ever change.
While eating my food, I decided to scroll through Instagram. The first thing I saw in my newsfeed was Auntie Paris and the crew. She’d panned the camera over all the faces, stating that they were about to hop on their flight. Surprisingly, I didn’t see Jeremy, and I assumed that he just wasn’t in that frame. I swallowed a lump in my throat, realizing that he wasn’t my boyfriend, anymore. Suddenly, there was nothing to look forward to, and I was wishing that I could back out of going to L.A. Without him what was the point?
The Wild Child Page 11
