I could change that, but what if he really is as genuine as he seems?
I spent the day tending to things around my apartment while occasionally returning to stare at my blank screen. I tried to convince myself that I just needed to go into the office and focus on work, but I couldn’t find the energy to do it. I wanted to finish the list and put it behind me. I didn’t have to go into the office, so it wasn’t going to be the end of the world. I typed a few things—then deleted them. I thrive on excuses, but I felt like Ian deserved more than that. He was respectful when I asked him to steer the conversation away from a topic, and I thought he would do the same if I really pushed him to back off—but I couldn’t convince myself that it was what I truly wanted.
A part of me was curious, and as the day dragged on, the curiosity began to win the war that was going on inside my head. Getting past that wasn’t going to be easy, and it was going to require me to step outside my comfort zone—but I knew what I had to do.
Elly: Hey…
Ian: Good afternoon :)
Elly: I promised you a list.
Ian: You did.
Elly: I don’t have one.
Ian: So… you’re going to click the accept button?
Elly: No. I’m not ready for that…
Ian: What’s holding you back?
Elly: I don’t think that’s a conversation we can have through this app.
Ian: Do you want to call me?
Elly: No…
Ian: What then?
Elly: Would you be willing to meet me for a drink tonight? Is that against the rules of this whole Secret Santa Romance thing?
Ian: We’re supposed to exchange gifts when we meet for the first time, but that requires you to hit the accept button.
Elly: Oh…
Ian: I suppose it wouldn’t be that bad to bend the rules a little bit. How about more than a drink? Dinner?
Elly: I guess that would be okay. Where?
Ian: Can I pick you up?
Elly: No, I’d rather meet you there.
Ian and I agreed to meet at Minetta, an upscale restaurant that was a thirty-minute drive from my apartment—probably an hour with the holiday traffic. I had never been there before, but he said it had a quiet atmosphere, and he was friends with the owner, so last minute reservations wouldn’t be an issue. It was going to be an early dinner, but I didn’t mind. I was so nervous about the list I was trying to make that I didn’t eat much for lunch.
I told myself it wasn’t a date—we were just meeting to talk. I kept telling myself that as I pulled my favorite black dress out of the closet and stressed over my options for shoes. It certainly felt like I was getting ready for a date, even though I hadn’t actually been on one in a couple of years.
It’s just going to be easier to talk to Ian in person. That’s the only reason I want to meet him—if I keep saying that, I might start to believe it.
The reality was that I didn’t have a good reason to push Ian away. He hadn’t given me one. He gave me so many reasons to do the exact opposite, and I needed to know if it was too good to be true. I couldn’t keep having conversations with him over the app and allowing my interest to grow without knowing what he was really like. All I needed to see was a flaw—a warning sign that would give me a reason instead of an excuse.
If I can’t get that over the app, I’ll get it in person…
I decided that I wasn’t in the mood to fight my way through the holiday traffic, so I requested an Uber to take me to Minetta. That would also allow me to have a drink without feeling like I had to stick around long enough for the alcohol to wear off if Ian’s flaws became evident before we even made it through dinner. I could do that without leading him on, and I wouldn’t have to go through the whole Secret Santa ordeal. It was best to just speed things through to their natural conclusion rather than allowing myself to keep getting tangled up in the what-if.
Ian arrived at Minetta before I did and sent me a message to let me know he was already seated. I was escorted through the restaurant, and when we turned the corner, I realized that he was even more attractive in person—I didn’t even think that was possible. He had dark brown hair, deep hazel eyes, and a jaw that looked like it could cut straight through steel. Our eyes met, and for a moment, I forgot all about the flaws I was searching for—because I was practically mesmerized by the man that stood up from his seat.
“Elly.” He smiled and took a step forward. “You’re even more beautiful in person.”
You’re so damn hot, I can’t think straight…
“I thought you only liked my smile.” I looked down and felt myself blush.
No, don’t blush!
“Hopefully I’ll get a chance to see it a few times tonight.” He pulled out my chair so that I could sit down.
“We need to talk about that…” I exhaled sharply.
“Let’s get a drink first and have a look at the menu.” He sat down across from me.
Okay, I guess we can do that before we have a serious discussion. A drink will probably make it easier…
“What’s good here?” I took the menu that Ian offered me.
“They’ve never served me anything I didn’t like, but I tend to stay away from the stuff I can’t pronounce.” He chuckled under his breath.
“Good plan.” I nodded. “Although that does limit my wine options…”
“Do you prefer red or white?” He tilted his head inquisitively.
“Red, normally.” My eyes scanned the list.
“Just ask our waiter for a recommendation. They know what people prefer.” He shrugged.
“Yeah, the expensive stuff.” I laughed and shook my head.
“I’m paying, so you can order whatever you want.” He waved off my concern.
“No.” I shook my head quickly. “I’m going to pay for my own dinner. This isn’t a date—it’s just easier to have this conversation in person.”
“You make it sound like you’re breaking up with me.” He raised an eyebrow and smiled. “It’s customary to go a date before you let someone down with a thud. What’s next? It’s not you—it’s me—here’s a ticket to the friend-zone with your name on it?”
“Stop it…” I shook my head and laughed. “This is supposed to be a serious conversation.”
“Okay, here’s my serious face.” Ian relaxed his smile—but his expression was still so comical I couldn’t stop laughing.
He’s as funny as I thought—I guess I can mark that off the list of possible flaws.
“Are you ready to order drinks?” The waiter walked up before I could respond to Ian.
“I am.” Ian nodded. “Can you recommend a bottle of red wine?”
“Yes sir.” The waiter pointed at the menu. “Chateau Margaux seems to be a favorite for most of our guests. 1997 is a very popular year.”
“Okay, you sold me on it.” Ian looked towards me. “I’m going to order the bottle. You’re welcome to have a glass. I won’t drink it all on my own.”
Well there’s a flaw… He won’t let me pay for my own wine!
“That’s fine.” I narrowed my eyes at him until the waiter was out of earshot. “That’s wasn’t fair.”
“Why?” He shrugged. “You could have ordered your own if you really wanted to.”
“That would be a waste…” I sighed and looked down at the menu. “I’m paying for the appetizer—not that it will be comparable.”
The waiter brought the wine, and I couldn’t deny that it was the best one I had ever tasted. I never bought anything remotely expensive when I was searching for a bottle to drink at home. One step above the stuff they sold in a box was good enough for me—and I had considered the box wine when it was on sale. As soon as we had a chance to sample the wine, we placed our order. I made sure to order the most expensive appetizer on the menu—that I could pronounce—and a meal that was within my budget.
“How about a joke?” Ian took a sip of his wine.
“Not tonight.” I shook my head
quickly. “I really just want to talk.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “The floor is yours…”
“I tried to come up with a list of reasons like you asked, but they all turned into excuses.” I sighed. “I think it’s just easier for me to explain why I’m so hesitant…”
“That’s fair.” He took another sip of his wine.
I told Ian about my parents’ divorce and how it impacted me at an early age—how it soured my perspective of love and spiraled into a disdain for the holidays. I explained how it crushed my emotions, ruined my childhood, and made me grow up way too fast. It created trust issues, turned me into baggage that my parents had to haul around, and eventually—I became scenery in the new lives they began after the one I was a part of turned into a bad memory for both of them. Ian listened to me rattle on without saying anything—without cracking a joke—and by the time I saw finished, I saw sadness in his eyes.
“I haven’t told many people that…” I reached for my wine and sighed.
Now react badly so I can add another flaw next to your inability to let me pay for my own wine.
“That’s horrible.” He shook his head. “No kid should have to go through that. It wasn’t your fault that your parents got divorced.”
“I stopped trying to rationalize it a long time go.” I shrugged. “I learned how to move on.”
“But you didn’t…” He narrowed his eyes. “You still haven’t moved on. You’re letting it interfere with your life right now.”
“No, it’s just part of who I am. I can’t change my view of the world when I’ve only had one…” I took a rather large drink of my wine.
“Then you need a new one.” He scoffed. “Seriously, why are you shutting your eyes to everything else when you have an opportunity to create your own perspective?”
“What do they say about those who don’t learn from history?” I tilted my head. “They’re doomed to repeat it…”
“Yes, but you’re applying the concept in the worst way possible.” Ian took a sip of his wine. “You’re choosing that version of history when there are a lot of other options.”
“You have to go with the one you know.” I shrugged. “This is mine.”
“Give me one chance to show you that it can be different.” He leaned forward.
“I don’t know…” I grimaced. “I didn’t come here to lead you on. I really just thought it would be easier to explain this in person.”
And I’m finding a lot less flaws than I hoped, which is making it harder than I expected…
“You’ve done that.” He nodded. “Now, give me a chance to change your mind.”
“What if you can’t?” I looked across the table at him.
“Then we’ll both delete the app and go our separate ways—but you can’t close your eyes to what I show you—you have to be willing to keep an open mind.” He narrowed his eyes. “Can you do that?”
I’ve come this far, and my sob story didn’t make him immediately ask for the check—maybe I should consider it…
“I’ll do my best.” I nodded.
Ian didn’t seem to be backing down, regardless of what I said. There weren’t enough obvious flaws to make me immediately ask for the check. It would have certainly been easier if there were some I could latch onto and start building a case against him in my head. My story didn’t even ruin his sense of humor. As soon as I agreed to give him a chance, he told me a couple of jokes that lightened the mood, and then the waiter appeared with our appetizer. My need to run away began to give way to the same curiosity that made me start talking to him in the first place—and I felt a flutter in my stomach when I finally laughed.
He’s definitely not going to make it easy for me to just delete the app and walk away…
Chapter Eight
Ian
Hearing Elly’s story brought my naturally protective nature to the surface. I stayed calm and jovial on the outside, but underneath the laughter was a layer of disappointment towards the people who were responsible for taking care of her when she was too young to fend for herself. She felt like she had to do that at an age when it wasn’t supposed to be her job—but they dropped it directly on her shoulders. It didn’t matter if that was their intention or not—it was her perception, and they didn’t do anything to change it. It was no wonder that she hated the holiday season and thought relationships were doomed to fail. I needed to show her that her view of the world was just one scenario in a million—and I had a damn good example.
I just need her to trust me and keep an open mind.
We made quick work of the appetizer, I convinced Elly to have a second glass of wine, and then our food arrived. I tried to keep the mood light after Elly agreed to give me one shot before we mutually agreed to part ways—I felt like that was a pretty big step for her. She had no reason to trust me. I was practically a stranger that she met through an app she didn’t even mean to sign up for, to begin with. Thankfully, she seemed to relax once she started on her second glass of wine, and she seemed interested in learning more about me—that seemed to be a pretty big step as well. If Elly was asking questions, then her interest had shifted beyond the nervous glances she shot towards the exit when she first arrived.
“So, you’re an app developer? You said that your company made the Secret Santa Romance app?” Elly tilted her head inquisitively.
“Something like that.” I smiled. “I’m actually the owner of the company—and the CEO.”
“Wait…” She blinked in surprise. “You own the company!?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and chuckled under my breath. “I got a job doing tech support for a finance company shortly after I graduated from college, and I had a lot of extra time on my hands, so I started coding apps on the side. A couple of them were successful, so I decided to see where that would take me—I guess you could say it took me a lot further than I expected.”
“Wow…” Elly reached for her wine. “I would have never guessed you were the boss—you seem so down to earth.”
“I don’t believe that fear or intimidation are good leadership traits. I’d rather have a team that respects me than one that only respects the position I hold.” I shrugged. “It has worked out for me so far.”
“Wait…” She held up her hand. “Something just clicked for me—you make dating apps, and you’re single? You must date a lot of people!”
“No.” I shook my head back and forth.
I might as well tell her the truth. She’s not going to believe me if I don’t explain it…
It had been a really long time since I told anyone about Abigail. She was a ghost from my past, but nobody knew that I allowed her to continue haunting me. It wouldn’t have been fair to hide that from Elly—not if I thought there was a chance what we had could turn into more than the two of us deleting the app at the end of the night and going our separate ways. I didn’t want that, and I wasn’t sure Elly really wanted it. She was being cautious, and she had a damn good reason to hold onto the heart she rescued from the turmoil of her youth.
“You’ve never told her, even after all of these years?” Elly’s demeanor shifted to a solemn stare.
“Nah, that wouldn’t be fair.” I sighed. “She’s married now. She has the family she always wanted—I’m the guy that was too scared to give it to her.”
“I don’t think I would want to know either.” She looked down and sipped her wine. “Some things have to stay in the past.”
“You should take your own advice.” I reached for my wine. “There are a lot of things you should leave in the past too.”
“It’s not the same thing.” She shook her head back and forth.
“I know.” I shrugged. “But I’ve held onto mine for a really long time—I know how much damage it can do.”
“Do you think you could actually move past that?” She raised her eyebrows inquisitively.
“Honestly?” I nervously sipped my wine. “I didn’t think it was possible—but now I’m beginning to wonder if I wa
s wrong.”
“I wish I had your optimism.” Elly took a drink of her wine and gave me the half-smile that I recognized from her profile picture.
Maybe you will after tonight.
We finished our meal and decided against dessert. I was definitely tempted, but my trips to the gym had gotten far too infrequent for me to push my luck with the delicious looking stuff on the menu. Elly was kind enough not to force me to watch her devour something that would have made my mouth water. I tried to pay for her dinner, but she still turned me down. I finally gave up fighting when the waiter walked away with both of our credit cards. She really didn’t want it to be a date, so I did my best to respect her wishes, even though I felt like it was turning into one. I was definitely interested in Elly—even if she was still hesitant. Abigail finally felt like part of my past, and I was excited to feel liberated from her ghost.
“Are you ready?” I signed my credit card receipt and looked up at Elly.
“I said I would give you a chance…” She nodded. “Are you planning to take me somewhere?”
“I am.” I stood up from the table. “It won’t take long, I promise.”
“I would ask if you’re a serial killer, and this is how you lure all of your victims into your kill-room, but you wouldn’t tell me if you were…” She narrowed her eyes for a moment, and then she finally smiled.
“No, I would keep that to myself until you woke up in my trunk.” I winked at her and laughed.
“Oh well, if you are a serial killer—you’re going to save me from another holiday season, so your timing is perfect.” She shrugged and followed me towards the door.
I really hope she’s joking…
Elly didn’t seem to be very nervous when we got to the car, so I assumed what she said was in jest. It was easy to tell when she was kidding around while we were separated by a screen, but her natural demeanor made it a little harder to gauge in natural conversation. Her humor was a little dry—and quite sarcastic—which meshed well with my flurry of one-liners and dad-jokes. I toned those down considerably when she wasn’t asking me to tell her a joke, but I found an opportunity to work them in every time that I thought she needed to smile—or I wanted to see it. There was something about it that was simply intoxicating because I could tell that she didn’t show it to many people—but my sense of humor seemed to make it appear on command.
Her Secret Santa Page 6
