by C. A. Rene
Before Ember, he was my fucking punching bag and depending on the day he’d fight me back, too. But most of the time he’d take it, and that made me even more mad. Like it was pity or shame. He knew the conditions I grew up in and he knew that they were because of his father. So, he would just take it like a beating was the most natural thing to him, like he deserved it and that would in turn make me hate myself more. It was a vicious circle and I didn’t see an end to it. No end until her, she bridged the gaping chasm and slowly brought up my tolerance.
Now I just wait and see what happens and watch her for any signs of impending explosion, then hopefully I’ll be there to soften the blow for the poor bastard or take it myself. Because she’ll always have me no matter what.
I worry my tongue ring between my teeth. It was one of the reasons I got it last year, when I feel antsy or angry I try to distract myself by playing with it. If I let my mind wander it plays way too many scenarios and I start to either get angry or panic, more often than not it’s anger. Last year or about eight months ago to be exact, was the last time I punched Travis in the face. I was feeling just down that day and the anger burning inside me had reached its peak. It doesn’t fucking help that I see the bitch everyday either. I have to look into his smug privileged ass face and be reminded of the hardships I went through; shit he couldn’t even imagine. How could I not beat the fucking shit out of him?
It was the first time I felt like shit afterward though. He didn’t hit me back, and when I was done he walked by me without a word. I hated him even more for taking the beating, I wanted him to prove me right and act smug, but he never did. So, after that I decided I wouldn’t hit him again unless provoked, and not just by his fucking face but actually physically provoked.
Seeing him and not releasing the anger makes me antsy, like I have this energy inside me that has no where to go, then the anger becomes too much. The gym helps but I find distractions are better. So, I got the tongue ring, and I was fucking girls constantly. I’m ashamed to admit it but Marlana was a go-to for me for the longest time. Then a few months before Ember showed up, I decided I had had enough. She wasn’t a long-term thing for me, I didn’t see a future and decided to grow the fuck up. Plus, she was pestering me constantly about not kissing her in public or that I was too cold and distant. I was never a people person; I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling unless it was with violence and anger. I loved my mother sure, and I could show her but mostly I was just closed off. I have my reasons for it and I’ve learned to deal with it. I managed to get by.
Then Ember shows up and she’s making me see things differently, I want to love her and I want everyone to know that I do. I especially want her to know that I do, and I could feel myself changing and adapting to her. Then it’s fucked that she just naturally becomes the closest to the two people I want nothing to do with. I can’t deny her and when she asks me to make the effort, I do it. I see what family means to her and I want to help her find her father and I want to be her family. So, if that means playing nice with the prick then that’s what I have to do.
I round a bend on the road and see a female figure walking in the distance. I know it’s her, I can see the gait and it’s her hair blowing in the breeze. I pull over to the side and get out of the vehicle. She’s walking so slow, like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. It really makes me think she does remember what happened to her and it isn’t good.
I lightly jog towards her and I watch as her head jerks up at the noise. Yeah, my girl is antsy about anyone approaching. She has always been so observant of her surroundings but now it’s become much more. I can see she’s always ready to fight.
I approach her and she stops to look up into my face.
“I wanted to go for a jog.” She says.
“Leave a note next time.”
“You scared big man?” She teases.
“Yes, Em. I am.”
She exhales and her shoulders slump a bit. I can’t be soft with her though because my girl is like a wolf and can sniff that weak shit out.
“Okay.” She mutters and kicks at the gravel.
“Let’s head back, my ice cream is melting.”
“After you.” She gestures.
We head back to the Hummer with her shuffling along behind me. I want this weekend to be good for her, I’m hoping she gets that spark back. We get in and buckle up, I notice she’s squirming a bit in her seat. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, running on gravel is different, my lower back is feeling a little sore.”
I turn the Hummer around and head back to the cottage. We sit in silence; this is the way it’s been since she came back. It’s not uncomfortable but I miss her voice.
I don’t know what to do, I want her to open up to me but I’m unsure how to do it. How can I make her trust me enough to unload all her burdens? She has to believe I’m her long-term, that I’m not going anywhere. But I don’t have all the time in the world to prove it. What else can I do to show her I’m not going anywhere?
“Thanks for bringing me here.” She says softly.
“You like it?”
“Yeah, it’s calming.”
“That’s why we got this place a few years ago, my mother thought it would help calm me.” I reply.
“Did it?”
“While I was here, yeah. But when I went back home it was forgotten.”
“Mmm.” She replies.
We pull up to the cottage and I get out first, I can feel myself being sucked inside my head and I need to distract myself. I bought some burgers and sausages for dinner so I head inside to prepare for that.
“I’m going to shower.” Ember calls out on her way to our bedroom.
“Okay.”
I listen to her take the stairs one step at a time, slow and methodical. She no longer has a pep in her step.
My phone pings on the counter with a message. I look at the screen and see Adrianna’s name. I can deal with her… most of the time. I don’t hold much animosity towards her but I did have resentment for a while. Adri was my best friend too and she always chose Travis. I get it, she loved him from the beginning but I existed too. Now that Ember and she have this strong bond I have to get over it.
Adrianna: We’re turning onto the road. Be there in 5
Me: cool
Time to temper the emotions and think about what Ember needs and I know she needs her closest friends. As much as I want to hate Travis forever there is a logical part of me that knows we’re family. Blood doesn’t change, no matter how tainted it is. It’s going to take a fuck ton of time though, before I can look at him and not want to break his nose.
I hear the front door open and Adri’s voice drift towards me.
“No Travis, you’re being unreasonable.”
“Whatever.”
Those two and the constant bickering, fuck I’m so happy that Ember and I just mesh. We don’t fucking bicker if there’s a problem we straight up tell the other what the fuck is up. Then done, end of story.
“Hey Vin.” Adri says coming into the kitchen.
“Sup.” Travis adds.
I nod my head to the both of them, “your rooms are up the stairs. Pick which ever one you want. Doesn’t matter.” I shrug.
“Okay, cool.” Adri says heading to the stairs.
Travis lingers behind watching her go, “how is she?” He asks, keeping his voice low.
“Different.”
“How so?”
“Quieter, emotionless.”
“Fuck.” He exhales, running his hand under his hat. I nod and continue to mix the burger patty meat.
“Need some help?” He asks.
“Nah, I’m good.” I shrug, “you can go on up and set up your shit.”
He nods and heads out of the kitchen. I drop my hands to the counter top and exhale slowly. It’s so fucking hard, listening to his voice and being around him. It’s like nails on a chalkboard sometimes. Compar
ed to last year though, I’ve come a long way.
I sense her before I even hear her.
It’s been this way since the first day I saw her walking through that gym. The hair stood up on my arms and when Shay muttered ‘that’s her’, I felt it. I had turned to look at her retreating back and watched the nicest ass I had ever seen, leave the gym. I wanted her even then. Like my heart knew she was meant for me. Pussy again I know.
“The shower here is sick.”
“Yeah, all those jets.” I agree, “I’ll press your pussy into one tonight.”
She comes to stand beside me and looks me in the eye. There’s heat clouding her features with lust. “How about my ass?” She quirks an eyebrow, “I see coconut oil in the cabinet.”
We haven’t gone there yet. But with how we’ve been going I knew it was inevitable. “Done.”
“That’s what I’m talking about.” She says as she lightly punches my arm.
I wrap my arm around her waist and tug her in close. “You treat me like I’m just one of your boys again and I’ll be spanking that ass before I fuck it.”
“That a threat?” She quirks her brow, “cause it’s sounding mighty tempting.”
I tip my head back and groan, she’s so fucking seductive and frustrating at the same damn time.
“So, they’re here huh?” She says into my chest.
“Yeah, upstairs picking rooms, or fucking.”
“I was liking our alone time.”
“Well, we’ve had a ton of alone time. It’s time you see them.” I flick her nose.
“I know.”
“Ember!!!” Adri bellows, running down the stairs.
I feel her stiffen up beside me and watch her face cringe at the sound. A total one eighty to how she used to greet Adri.
“Babe, you’re a soldier.” I whisper.
3
“Ember!!!”
Adri’s loud squeal rips through my ears like a personal assault on my brain. I turn around slowly and watch as she barrels at me.
“Babe, you’re a soldier.” Vin says into my ear. Exactly what Carm used to say to me in that underground hell. I shake the thought and turn towards Adri.
“Hey.” I say with what must look like the biggest, fakest grin of life.
“Omigod! I’m so happy to see you!” She’s still squealing.
“Me too.” I’m still holding this fucking grin and now I’m nodding my head.
“Are you okay? What happened?” She grabs my face with both hands and it takes all my self control not to knock her hands away.
“Hey Adri, could you… ah… help me grab the beer out of the fridge?” Vin saves me. “We can put them in the cooler and eat down by the beach.”
“Yes!” She squeals… again. “We can swim!” She runs off to do Vin’s bidding and he leans in to kiss my ear.
“She just loves you.” He whispers and I nod.
I know she loves me; I love her too. Adri is my family but right now I’m skating along on the thinnest ice. All the emotions I should be feeling are locked tight under a numb blanket. I just wanted some time to adapt before I was thrusted into life again. The feeling of being forced to fake life right now is wearing thin on my nerves.
I watch as Vin and Adri bring the food and cooler outside. She’s practically skipping with happiness and I feel like the biggest asshole for not feeling that with her. Although, seeing Vin in a sort of irritation of having to shoulder most of the squealing is like watching an improv set.
“Nice.” I hear Travis say sarcastically behind me.
“What?”
“You don’t have to pretend with us, you know.”
“I’m not.” I turn and look him in the eye.
“Yeah, you are. I’m not Vin, I won’t pretend like shit is normal. I know when someone is faking because I do it most of my fucking life.”
I’m not sure how to answer him and I don’t know what he’s talking about being fake. I want to throw so much into his face right now about his privileged and loving home but what would that prove? What could he possibly have to be fake about?
“Look,” he scrubs his hand down his face, “we’re here because we want you to know we care. A lot. But don’t pretend.”
He shoulders by me and opens the fridge to grab a beer. It takes all of my will to stop myself from turning him around and punching him in the face. I start counting and regulating my breaths before I look into his face again.
“I don’t know how to be happy.” Did I really just say that out loud?
“What did you do before? You know… when you felt too angry.”
“Made people bleed… profusely.”
“Hmm.” He strokes his chin, “do that again.”
“Where?” I throw my hands up, “Whitsborough is like a Disney princess compared to New York.”
“So, start taking some trips back to New York. Call them business trips.”
“Business trips,” I snort. Did I just laugh? Kind of?
“Hey,” he points at me, “was that a snort?”
“Fuck off.” I grin.
“Travis-1, Anger-0.”
I shake my head and grab a beer, too. I’m going to need it. We both lean against the counter silently sipping our beers and watching Vin and Adri barbecue. As much as he is pushing me, I know Travis loves me and wants to help me. There’s a small piece of me that hopes he can succeed and I will be able to move on from everything that’s happened to me.
“How annoyed do you think he is right now?” Travis says with humour in his voice, “1-10.”
“32.”
We both chuckle and continue to drink while watching Vin and Adri.
We are all chilling on the beach, drinking beers and digesting all the fucking food. The sun is setting over the water in shades of red and orange and I’m sitting between Vin and Travis, while Adri has her head in my lap.
“Trav, lets make a fire in the pit,” Vin says getting up. “Ember, go set up some music.”
Adri and I get up and both of us make our way back into the cottage. Vin showed me the iPod dock and how to turn on the exterior speakers. So, I pop my iPhone on the dock and start scrolling through my playlists.
“Are you ever going to talk to me?” Adri asks quietly behind me. Well, fuck. Here we go.
“I do talk to you.”
“About what happened.”
“I don’t remember what happened.” I turn around to face her.
“Ember, if you didn’t actually remember, you’d still be the same.”
“I was abducted.” I shrug, “of course I’m different.”
“I think you know exactly what happened and you’re hiding it.”
“Adri stop digging…” she cuts me off.
“Was it the gang?” She asks, “maybe you could find out more from Tommy.”
“Don’t talk about him.” I snap harshly and turn back around.
I hear her gasp and then I hear the door open and shut. Thank God she left because I was about to lose it. Again, I know she means well but I can’t have her digging too fucking hard because I won’t let anyone get involved with my shit. I plop my ass onto the stool and lay my forehead on the cool granite counter. I’m going to have to tell them about Tommy now obviously. All of them.
The door opens again and I know it’s Vin. Whenever he enters any room I’m in, all the hairs on my body stand up.
“You good?”
“Yeah.” I answer, my voice muffled.
“We can call it a night…”
“Tommy is dead.” I cut him off. Band-aid firmly ripped, Ember style.
“How?” See? He gets me. No need to shower me with affection or pester me with too many fucking questions.
“Shot himself.”
“Any idea why he’d want to do that?” He asks.
“Not sure, but it looks like I’m heading to New York next weekend.”
“Cool, I’ll come with.”
I turn around and see him leaning against the patio door, his thick muscular arms crossed at his wide chest and his face obscured by a baseball hat. His jaw ticking with irritation, preparing for the inevitable fight. He’s so fucking gorgeous.
“No can do.”
“You’re not going back there alone, Ember.”
“I need answers and I can’t do that and look after you, too.”
He starts to laugh and drops his arms to stalk towards me. “Your aunt and uncle would never agree to it without me there.” He has a point. “Plus, we could look for your father as well… right?”
I’m looking him in the eye and he’s practically daring me to disagree. I know for a fact he knows nothing about my father’s fate and the role I had in it, but that doesn’t mean Vin isn’t inside my soul. He feels things.
“Fine, but you’re acting like a stage five clinger.” I smirk at him.
“Don’t care.” He leans down crowding me against the counter, “you knew what you were signing up for.”
True.
“A few hours until the big seventeen.” He kisses my neck and bites it softly.
“Mmm.”
I missed Travis’ birthday while I was gone, but he’s reassured me that we will do something once I feel up to it. Vin’s birthday was in February, so I wasn’t even here yet but he told me he usually just has dinner with his mom and tries to forget about it. I get it, when you grow up without family those days that most kids find happy, we find more depressing. I would’ve liked to have been there though, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Next year I will make it a point to show him that I’m his family now, too.
That’s why no one is making a big deal about my birthday today, and I’m sure Vin told them without me having to say a word. These days aren’t happy ones, I just look forward to getting older and more independent.
The door slides open again and I hear Travis laughing. “Are you guys done being anti-social?” He calls out.
“Yeah, yeah.” Vin answers. Then he leans down into my ear and says, “talk to Adri.”
Right, of course. I have to consider the girl’s feelings. Fuck me.
We head outside and I make my way down the beach to sit in the lawn chair beside Adri and watch the fire in the pit.
