I beat the shit out of my steering wheel, then lowered my head to the tight leather. “Damn it, I never should have stayed here…”
When I lifted my head, I felt empty, alone, and freezing cold. I pinched the bridge of my nose to try to relieve the pressure headache that was building, but nothing was helping. I was fucked. And alone. Completely alone. Again.
Needing warmth, needing escape, I started the car and turned up the heater. I couldn’t leave this godforsaken place until I apologized. I had to at least try to right the wrong. While she cried beside me, I told her, “I’m sorry, Kiera. I shouldn’t have said that to you. None of that should have happened.”
She didn’t say anything, only kept crying. I sighed. This wasn’t what I wanted tonight. This wasn’t why I followed her. I just…wanted to help her. I just wanted to return her stuff and give her a ride home so I’d know she was safe. I just wanted her safe. And happy.
Seeing her shivering, I reached behind me and grabbed her jacket from the backseat. My jacket was back there too, but I didn’t want it. I deserved to be cold.
I quietly handed it to her and she quietly put it on. There were no words left to say. We were as done as two people could possibly be. She was as unobtainable to me now as my dead parents, her love just as unreachable. But this time, I deserved it. I was a bastard, in every sense of the word. She was better off without me.
As I drove her home in silence, despair washed over me. I’d touched love with her, I was certain of it. Maybe temporarily, or maybe just a friendship kind of love. I wasn’t sure. But whatever it was that she’d been giving to me, it had been the best thing I’d ever felt in my entire life. And it was gone now. I’d never know it again. I was going to be alone, never knowing that kind of comfort again. And now that I’d had it, I couldn’t go back to not having it. The ache would kill me now more than ever. How did I live without love now? How did I live without her?
I could feel the breakdown coming as we pulled up to the house—my empty, meaningless house, where nothing of me existed until she put it there. I shut the car off and immediately got out. I didn’t want her to see me fall apart. And I was going to fall apart…it was coming. I was a heartbeat away from sobbing.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I unlocked the front door. My throat hitched as I walked into the entryway. I held it in as I sprinted up the stairs. Not yet. Don’t lose it yet. I closed my door behind me and paused with my hand on the wood, then I let go of my hold on the wall of crushing grief and let the sob escape me. Walking backward, I collapsed onto my bed. Bringing my dirty shoes onto the mattress, I cried into my knees.
Friend. Lover. Companion. Family. Whatever she could have been to me…I’d just lost her for the rest of my life. I had no idea how I would go on from here.
I heard the door open, but I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. She’d obviously already heard them anyway. Kiera sat beside me, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t. All I could do was cry, cry for everything I’d lost, and for everything I’d never had. I was alone. Forsaken. Unlovable. I couldn’t even comprehend why she was sitting next to me.
And then, beyond all expectation, hope, or reason, Kiera put her arm around my shoulder. Her simple act of comfort broke me. I can’t lose her. Please, God, don’t let me lose her. I need her. I’ll do anything. We’ll end this charade, we’ll go back to being purely just friends. Just don’t take her away from me tonight.
A pain-filled sob escaped me as I wrapped my arms around her and laid my head on her lap. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. The final remnants of my emotional sanity vanished as I completely lost control and bawled. It felt like hours. I emotionally released everything built up inside of me, from the pain of not having Kiera’s love to the pain of never having my parents’. I cried for hurting Kiera. I cried for betraying Denny. I cried for my nonexistent childhood. I even cried for the mountain of meaningless encounters I’d had over my lifetime, because meaningless encounters were probably all I would ever have now.
Kiera didn’t run away from my breakdown. She held me, cradled me, rubbed my back, even pulled a blanket over my shivering body and used her heat to warm me. I’d never felt so much love and comfort from another human being. Ever. Her tenderness eventually eased my sorrow, dried my tears. In a silence that was once again comforting, she held me, gently rocking me like I suppose most mothers would rock their troubled children. I wouldn’t know. My mother never had. Nobody ever had. It soothed me, and I felt sleep rushing in to fill the void left by my explosion of pain.
As I lingered in a state somewhere between awake and asleep, I started to dream. In my dream, Kiera was leaving me. I reached out for her, told her, “No,” but…she still left me. In the end, she still left me.
Chapter 23
Fantasy Is Better Than Nothing
My vision was hazy, the lights in the room too bright, but through the disorientation, I saw my father standing beside the bed. His mouth was twisted in displeasure, like it usually was. “Wake up, lazy ass. We’re not raising you to be slothful.”
I looked to the window and it was still pitch-black outside. The sun wasn’t even up yet. “It’s barely morning…” I mumbled.
My dad shook his head. “You were supposed to be up an hour ago, starting your chores, but look at you, wasting away the day…pathetic,” he told me in a condescending voice that I knew all too well.
Beside him, my mother was watching me with impassive eyes. “Why do you make everything so difficult, Kellan? We don’t expect very much from you, but you still never fail to let us down.” Her lip twisted with disappointment. I was all too familiar with that too.
My father sighed and I swung my eyes back to him. “I’ve already accepted that you won’t ever amount to much in life, but did you honestly think you’d be good enough for her, Kellan?”
I woke up with a start, panting, my heart racing. I scanned my room, trying to understand where I was, what was happening. I had a headache, a stomachache, and a sore throat. For a confused second, I thought my parents really were in my room with me, belittling me. I even looked around for them. But then I remembered last night, remembered the rain, remembered yelling at Kiera, remembered crying in her arms. I closed my eyes as the grief swept over me. Damn it. For once, I wished my nightmare was the reality, and my reality was the dream.
I’d called Kiera a whore. I’d considered screwing her in my car, whether she’d wanted it or not. God. I felt like I was going to throw up. My parents were right. I could never have her, because I didn’t deserve her.
I was still dressed in the clothes I’d been wearing last night, and Kiera was gone. I wasn’t too surprised about that. It wasn’t as if she could stay and comfort me all night. My boots were still on, and my bed was filthy. I felt filthy, but I didn’t want to change. Not yet. I needed to talk to Kiera. I needed to apologize for last night. I needed to clear the air between us, tell her the truth about her sister, beg for her forgiveness.
You’re not good enough for her…
No, I supposed I wouldn’t ever be good enough for her, but I could at least stop hurting her. I could end this. I could let her go. What happened last night would never happen again. I wouldn’t let it.
By the time I got my bereaved body out of bed, Kiera was already in the kitchen. Like she usually was when we had coffee, she was still dressed in her pajamas. She looked worn; last night had been hard for her too.
I stopped in the doorway, and Kiera looked me over with questioning eyes, like she wasn’t sure how I’d treat her this morning. I didn’t blame her for not knowing. She’d once teasingly called me moody, and on more than one occasion I’d proven her right. When it came to her, I was moody. This was just so difficult…Why did I have to love her so much?
With a heavy sigh, I joined her at the coffeepot. I needed to get this over with before I changed my mind. I held my hands up, showing her I was unarmed, physically and emotionally. “Truce?”
“Truce,” she agreed, nodding.
Leaning back against the counter, I tucked my hands behind me. I didn’t want to be tempted to touch her. I couldn’t meet her eyes, and I stared at the floor. “Thank you…for staying with me last night.”
“Kellan—”
She started to interrupt me, but I didn’t let her. “I shouldn’t have said what I did; that’s not who you are. I’m sorry if I scared you. I was so angry, but I wouldn’t ever hurt you, Kiera…not intentionally.” Finding strength in my admission, I raised my eyes to hers. “I was way out of line. I never should have put you in that position. You’re not…You are in no way a…a whore.” I looked away when I said that last part. God, I was a dick for calling her that.
“Kellan—”
Needing to finish my thought before all my courage left me, I cut her off again. “I never would have…I wouldn’t ever force you, Kiera. That’s not…I’m not…” I stopped my nonsensical jabbering and stared at the floor. Why did words fail me when I needed them the most?
Kiera’s soft voice filled the emptiness between us. “I know you wouldn’t.” She was quiet a second, then she added, “I’m sorry. You were right. I…I led you on.” Grabbing my cheek, she made me look at her. “I’m sorry for all of it, Kellan.”
She was taking too much of the blame. It wasn’t her fault that I’d lost control. It wasn’t her fault that I’d turned into a raging asshole. “No…I was just mad. I was wrong. You didn’t do anything. You don’t need to apologize for—”
Her voice was low as she spoke over me. “Yes, I do. We both know I did just as much as you. I went just as far as you did.”
No, she didn’t. She had told me over and over that she didn’t want me. I’d just refused to listen. “You clearly told me no…repeatedly. I didn’t listen…repeatedly.” I pulled her hand away from my face with a heart-filled exhale. I didn’t deserve her kindness. “I was horrible. I went too far, much too far.” Disgusted with myself, I ran a hand down my face. “I’m…I’m so sorry.”
Stubborn as always, Kiera continued disagreeing with me. “Kellan…no, I wasn’t being clear. I sent mixed signals.”
Disbelieving her objection, I pointedly raised an eyebrow. “‘No’ is pretty clear, Kiera. ‘Stop’ is pretty damn clear.”
“You’re not a monster, Kellan. You never would have—”
Remembering this conversation from our earlier failed attempt to sleep in the same room together, I beat her to the punch. “I’m no angel either, Kiera…remember? And you have no idea what I’m capable of.” Just look what I did to my best friend. I’m a disappointment. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. You deserve so much more.
Kiera pursed her lips, unconvinced. “We both messed up, Kellan.” Reaching out, she touched my cheek; her fingers on my skin seared me. “But you would never force yourself on me.”
No. I wouldn’t. No matter how much I wanted you, if you didn’t want me…I’d leave you alone. You’re everything to me.
Not able to say that to her, I pulled her in for a hug instead. Kiera wrapped her arms around my neck, and for a brief moment, we felt like how we used to be. It reminded me of how far we’d come, and how much had changed. As nice as it felt to hold her, it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t a good idea. Space was what we needed. Distance was good.
“You were right. We have to end this, Kiera.” It killed me to say it, but I knew now that it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. I wanted something from her that she couldn’t give me. It was time I respected her choice.
I pulled back to look at her and saw tears on her cheeks. I gently brushed them away. She shouldn’t cry; I wasn’t worth her tears. Cupping her face, I stroked her cheek with my thumb. I’d known from the beginning our friendly flirting wouldn’t work, I’d just wanted her so badly…it had seemed better than letting her go.
Kiera’s watery eyes locked onto mine as she whispered, “I know.” She closed her eyes and more tears squeezed out. It was so hard to see her in pain. It was even harder to know I was the source of it. I was tormenting her, she said so herself. And she was tormenting me. We were toxic, and we were slowly killing each other.
It was wrong of me, but I couldn’t walk away from her without one last kiss. I needed to feel her sweetness one last time, needed to securely lock it into my memory so I could retrieve it during the dark times, when I was cold and alone. Expecting her to push me away, I softly brushed my lips to hers. She didn’t shy from me though; she pulled me tighter. Her lips were eager, but I kept the rhythm soft and tender, and her lips eased to match mine. I poured every ounce of love I felt into our intimate moment. Without having to say it, I wanted her to know—I love you, more than anything.
I could have kissed her all morning, but I knew it was time to stop. Removing my fingers from her cheek, I ran them down her hair, and then down her back. “You were right. You made your choice. I still want you,” I growled, pulling her into me. “But not while you’re his. Not like this, not like last night.” With a wistful sigh, I loosened my hold on her.
Her eyes were brimming with new tears, and I could feel mine stinging in response. Saying goodbye was so hard. “This is over,” I said, running my finger across her partly opened lips. Her tears splashed onto her cheeks, and I let out a heavy exhale. I wish I didn’t have to do this…
“I don’t seem to be very good at leaving you alone.” I dropped my hand from her skin and kept it rigid at my side. Determination filled me as I swallowed a lump of pain in my throat. “I won’t let last night happen again. I won’t touch you again. This time…I promise.”
Needing to leave, I turned and walked away from her. My dream suddenly struck me and I paused in the doorway. You’re not good enough for her…
Before my interference, Denny and Kiera had had a consistent, comforting peace, while Kiera and I seemed to only have turbulent turmoil. Hopefully I hadn’t messed them up too much. Hopefully they could work through their issues and reconnect. “You and Denny are good together. You should stay with him.”
Waves of jealousy and despair crept up on me, and I stared at the floor, hoping they would pass. They didn’t. I wasn’t sure how I could do this, how I could let the only person who had ever shown me an ounce of tenderness go. I loved her so much, I had no choice but to release her. But not completely. I decided right then and there that I wouldn’t tell her the truth about Anna. She would feel a spark of jealousy over that deception, and I would feel a spark of jealousy over her relationship with Denny. In that trivial way, we’d still be connected. Until either Anna or Griffin finally told her the truth. Then even that would be gone, but maybe that was for the best.
A tear I couldn’t hold back fell onto my cheek as I looked up at her. “I’ll make this right. It will be like it should be.” I won’t go near you again. I won’t bother you again. I won’t touch you again. And maybe one day, I’ll actually get over you.
Days went by…they felt like years. I thought things with Kiera would eventually get easier. I thought that after a while, it wouldn’t kill me to be around her but not touch her. I thought I would be fine seeing her loving relationship with Denny. I thought wrong. Every day my chest hurt, it was hard to breathe, and I felt like my head was imploding. I avoided Kiera at all costs. I made sure we were never alone together, and I made sure I never touched her. I spent all day in a fog of loneliness, wishing things were different, and I spent every night staring at my ceiling, willing myself to move on. But every morning when I woke up, the pain started over. I couldn’t let what we had go, and nothing was getting better.
Whenever I was around Kiera, I watched her relentlessly. I ached with the need to touch her, and when I looked into her eyes, I saw the same need reflected back at me. Regardless of her heart, she wanted to be in my arms. But she needed to forget about what we’d had, and I needed to forget about how much I loved her. Things needed to change, for both our sakes.
Oddly, I found something at Pete’s that I thought might help, but
it wasn’t alcohol. There was a girl at a table who could have been Kiera’s twin, and I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was so similar…it would be so easy to pretend…and pretending would help me survive this grief.
I could do this. I was good at this. It would block the pain…and that was all that mattered.
After a brief conversation and lots of playful flirting, I took the pseudo-Kiera home with me. Stepping into my house, I was bombarded by the familiar scent of the real Kiera. I closed my eyes for a second, wondering if I could go through with this. I have to. I have to move on. After the girl shut my front door, I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the kitchen. I needed a drink.
“Want anything?” I asked her as I opened the fridge and looked around for some beer.
She came up behind me. Leaning in, she sucked on my earlobe, then whispered, “I want you.”
My mouth dropped open, and my eyes fluttered closed. Her low, husky voice made it so easy to picture Kiera. Yes…this was exactly what I needed. Keeping my eyes shut, I closed the fridge and pressed her against it. An erotic moan escaped her lips…Kiera’s lips. Needing her, needing this, I found her mouth. God Kiera, I’ve missed you.
Our mouths moved together frantically, and a groan escaped me. Kiera…yes. I felt her tongue brush mine, and all the pain of our separation left me. We were together again. I could have her, night after night, with no guilt. Everything was fine. Everything was good again.
She wrapped her leg around my body, and I ran my hand up her skirt. Fuck, yes. I’ve missed this, Kiera. I’ve missed you. My body was aching in a different way now. I needed her, I needed to be inside her. I needed to hear her cry out. I needed to feel that connection between us.
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