After she left my room, I sat down on my bed, then lay back on top of my covers. The chill pricked my exposed skin, but I barely noticed because remorse was rising in me like a tidal wave, and that was colder than the air could ever be. We shouldn’t have done that. We shouldn’t be doing any of this. I felt dirty from head to toe, and I didn’t want to feel dirty about Kiera. Not when she made me feel so…alive.
You should tell him, Jenny’s voice whispered to me in the gray gloom of my room. But tell him what? That his relationship was over, or that I had been a small speed bump on his path to happiness? How could I confess my sins to him if I didn’t know what the future held? And if Kiera’s future didn’t hold me, then why tell him at all? Regardless, I needed answers, and Kiera was the only one who had them. Knowing I was about to lose her, because there was no way in hell she would ever pick me over Denny, I got dressed and made my way downstairs.
I made some coffee and watched it fill the pot. Dread filled me just as steadily as the black liquid creeping up the carafe. This was it, the all-or-nothing moment. It felt like hours later when Kiera appeared. She removed a mug full of coffee from my hand; I didn’t even remember pouring one. Wishing I could be the sort of person who was fine with being a backseat lover, I looked over at her. Still in her pajamas, she looked much the same as she had when she’d left my room. Was that the last time she’d ever be in my room?
Wrapping my arms around her waist, I gave her a light kiss and pulled her in for a hug. I don’t want to say this. I don’t want you to go. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” I began. She tensed in my arms while she waited for my statement. “Last night can’t happen again, Kiera.”
She pulled back to look at me, and I saw the fear and confusion on her face. I hated seeing her pain, and I knew I’d be seeing a lot more of it before we were done. “I love you, and you understand what that phrase means to me. I don’t say it…to anyone…ever.”
Gently removing her arms from around my neck, I intertwined our fingers. “There was a time when I would have been fine with this. I would have taken any part of you that you wanted to give to me and found a way to deal with the rest…” I ran our laced fingers over her cheek. She relaxed, but she still looked scared. “I want to be the kind of man you deserve to have.” She started to speak, but I stopped her with our fingers over her lips. “I want to be honorable—”
She pulled our fingers away. “You are. You are a good man, Kellan.”
“I want to be the better man, Kiera…and I’m not.” With a sigh, I looked up at the ceiling, where Denny was sleeping away, oblivious to the turmoil beneath him. He deserved a much better friend than me. Returning my eyes to Kiera, I said, “Last night wasn’t the honorable thing to do, Kiera…not under Denny’s nose like that.”
Her jaw clenched and her eyes watered. I realized my poor choice of words instantly. “No…I didn’t mean, you’re not…I wasn’t trying to insult you, Kiera.” I held her close. Why couldn’t the words ever come out the way I wanted them to? I should have written this to her in a song, that would have been easier.
“Then what are you trying to say, Kellan?”
She sniffled and I knew she was crying. I was so bad at this…and it was only going to get worse. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath…and took the plunge. “I want you to leave him…and stay with me.” Scared out of my mind, I slowly reopened my eyes. Okay, Kiera…rip my heart out. I’m ready.
She only stared at me in disbelief though. Maybe she never thought I’d ask her to choose. She had to know this couldn’t go on forever. Feeling courageous, since she hadn’t outright dismissed me, I told her, “I’m sorry. I was going to be stoic, and say nothing for as long as you wanted me, but then we made love…and I’ve, I’ve never had that…and I just can’t go back to being who I was before. I want you and only you and I can’t bear the thought of sharing you. I’m sorry.”
I knew I was ranting, but now that I’d opened my heart, I couldn’t stop. I looked down. “I want to be with you the right way—in the open. I want to walk into Pete’s with you on my arm. I want to kiss you every time I see you, no matter who’s looking. I want to make love to you without fear of someone finding out. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I don’t want to feel guilty about something that makes me feel so…whole. I’m sorry, Kiera, but I’m asking you to choose.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at me in shock. Was it really so surprising that I wanted to be her one and only? She was my only…
I watched her face as she wrestled with opposing desires. Finally, she whispered, “You’re asking me to destroy him, Kellan.”
Grief overwhelmed me and I closed my eyes. “I know.” Why did it have to be Denny’s girl I fell for? Tears clouded my vision when I reopened them. “I know. I just…I can’t share you. The thought of you with him, it kills me, now more than it ever did before. I need you. All of you.”
Her eyes flared with panic, and her breath sped up. I understood. I knew what I was asking of her. “What if I don’t choose you, Kellan? What will you do?”
A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek as I turned away. What would I do without her? “I’ll leave, Kiera. I’ll leave, and you and Denny can have your happily ever after.” That’s how it should be anyway. I looked back at her. “You wouldn’t even need to tell him about me. Eventually, the two of you…” Anguish ripped through my throat, choking me and cracking my voice. Another tear dripped from my eye. “The two of you would get married…” no…marry me, “…and have children…” no…have my children, “…and have a great life.” How will I live without you?
Kiera swallowed with a pained noise. Could she see my agony? “And you?” she asked. “What happens to you in that scenario?”
I die a little each day we’re apart.
“I…get by. And I miss you, every day.”
Every hour, every minute…every second.
A sob escaped Kiera, and she grabbed my face and kissed me hard, like she was trying to erase my painful words. I felt completely raw, scoured from the inside out. That awful future seemed far too probable. When we broke apart, we were breathless. Tears streamed from the both of us as we rested our foreheads together. It doesn’t have to be this hard, Kiera. Choose me. I’ll give you everything…“Kiera…we could be amazing together,” I pleaded.
“I need more time, Kellan…please,” she whispered.
Time? Asking for time wasn’t saying no…not yet. I gave her a soft kiss. “Okay, Kiera. I can give you time, but not forever.” A few more days…I can give her that. I can give myself that.
We kissed again while our breaths and tears calmed. We weren’t ending today. We weren’t over yet. “I don’t want to hang around the house with him today. I’m going over to Evan’s.”
Kiera clutched me like I’d just said I was going off to war. Maybe she thought I was running away. I wasn’t. Not yet. If and when I left, she would know. “I’ll see you at Pete’s tonight. I’ll be there.” I’m not leaving today. I gave her one more kiss, then pulled away from her.
“Wait…now? You’re leaving now?” I could hear the desire in her voice for me to stay, and it tore at me, just like it always had.
Running my hands down her hair, I cupped her cheeks. “Spend the day with Denny. Think about what I said. Maybe you’ll be able to…” Decide if you really want me.
I couldn’t say it, so I gave her a final kiss instead. With a wistful smile, I turned and left the room. Everything in my body wanted to return to her, but I needed to leave now, while I could, and maybe, when I saw her again, she’d know what she wanted. Even if that wasn’t me.
Chapter 29
An Inappropriate Goodbye
I started having a panic attack in the car. My heartbeat spiked; my breath came out in sharp puffs. I felt like I was running flat-out up a steep hill. My legs even felt like they were cramping. What had I done? I’d given her an ultimatum. I’d basically begun the process of shovin
g her away from me. Fuck, I was an idiot. Or was I finally being smart? Hard to say. There was such a fine line between wisdom and imbecility.
I hung out with Evan until it was time to meet the guys at Pete’s. I could have avoided that and just arrived minutes before it was time to play, but I didn’t want anything to look out of the ordinary. I was the last one to arrive at the bar, the last one to enter its doors. My eyes locked onto Kiera the second I stepped inside. She mouthed Hi in such a delightful yet erotic way that my heart skipped a beat. I nodded a greeting back to her, then took a step toward her. I couldn’t hug her in this crowd, but I could companionably sling my arm around her shoulder. Right?
She shook her head when she noticed me approaching though. I wasn’t sure why, until her gaze slid over to the band’s table. I followed her line of sight and immediately understood. Denny was here. Again. Goddammit. I’d really hoped I could avoid him today. But I couldn’t. Nothing out of the ordinary, that was how I was planning on getting through this.
I gave Kiera a longing look as I let myself imagine wrapping my arms around her, then I turned toward the table. Let the charade begin.
Matt was starting to sit down beside Denny when I approached. Denny was…beaming. He looked so stinking happy, it made my heart drop. Why was he in such a good mood?
Careful to keep my expression neutral, I sat across the table from him. “Hey, Denny. You look…chipper?”
His smile widened. “It was a beautiful day today. What’s not to be happy about?”
Evan flashed me a glance that spoke a thousand words. He wouldn’t be so happy if he knew about you and Kiera. I already knew that, so I kept my mouth shut. If Denny was having a good day, I wasn’t about to burst his bubble. I had a feeling that explosion would injure me just as much as him.
Refocusing on Denny, I slapped on a breezy smile. “That’s true. How about a round on me?” I pointed at his empty beer by his half-eaten plate of food.
Griffin was all over that. Standing, he whistled to Rita at the bar. “Beer wench! Five cold ones!”
Rita narrowed her eyes like she was about to chuck all five bottles at Griffin’s head. Then a slow smile passed over her lips and she nodded and called Kiera over. I was pretty certain Griffin’s drink was going to have some extra body fluids in it. Hopefully Kiera didn’t mix up the bottles.
When Kiera approached our table, drinks in hand, she kept throwing concerned glances my way. It made her look like she had a nervous tic. I wanted to assure her that I was fine. Yeah, hanging out with Denny was awkward, and it made me feel really guilty, but I liked Denny, and if I could somehow push all of my inner turmoil aside, I didn’t mind spending time with him.
Kiera passed out the beers. Griffin’s was last. She watched him take a sip of his drink with clear disgust on her face. She always looked like that around him though, so it didn’t seem too odd to the others. A quick peek at Rita laughing behind the bar confirmed my suspicions—Griffin’s beer was…special. Rita winked at me, and with a brief smile and a tilt of my unspecial beer, I shifted my attention back to Kiera. Denny was thanking her for his drink…with his lips.
I stared into my bottle, but I could still hear them smacking. I clenched my beer and forced calmness into my body. This was temporary. I could handle it. I nearly prayed for Kiera to leave the table though, and when she did, I let out a long exhale.
“What’s the matter, mate? Your day not going as well as mine?”
Oh God, how to answer that. With a smile, I took a sip of my beer. “Apparently not. I can’t complain though.” Not to you at any rate.
Griffin snorted. “He’s just sore that I nailed his chick.”
Knowing where Griffin was going with his statement, I pointed my beer bottle at his. “How’s your beer? Taste all right?”
Griffin’s brows drew together in confusion. “Yeah…why?”
He took a long draw. My stomach roiled, and I silently hoped that I had never pissed off Rita. “No reason,” I said with a laugh.
Matt laughed along with me and Griffin shot him a look. “What’s so funny?”
Matt shook his head. “Nothing you’d understand.” Shifting the conversation, Matt asked Denny, “So, anything exciting going on, or just having a good day?”
My stomach churned again, but for an entirely different reason. I was 99 percent sure I didn’t want to hear this. “I got a job offer. A great job offer.” Matt and Evan congratulated him while my stomach clenched so tight, I was sure I was damaging my internal organs. “Thanks. Yeah, I’m excited about it. I thought I’d have to tell them no, because I was sure Kiera wouldn’t want to move that far, but she said she wanted to go.”
I felt like someone had just dropped me down a deep, dark shaft, and I was free-falling, but only for a moment. The ground was rushing up to meet me, and I would die upon impact, I just knew it. “Move…where?” I asked in a whisper.
Denny looked over at Kiera before shifting his eyes to me. “Back home. Australia.” He gave me a small smile. “I’ll be sad to leave here, I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you again, but this is an amazing opportunity for me, for us. This could be the start of something big, you know?” His smile warmed as he looked over at Kiera again.
Yep. I felt like I’d just smacked face-first into the bottom of that endless hole, and I was now a lifeless corpse. DOA. I heard the others telling Denny congratulations and wishing him well. I felt Evan clap me on the shoulder, in sympathy, I assumed, but it was like I was experiencing the moment outside of my body, like I was hovering in the air, looking down at Denny and the guys. External sounds were muffled, and all I could clearly hear was my heavy heartbeat.
She said she’d leave with him? Jesus…she chose him…
“Kellan…Kellan…?”
When it finally registered that Denny was speaking to me, I shook my head to snap myself out of the odd out-of-body feeling I was having. “What? Oh, uh…congratulations, man. That’s…that’s great news. I can see why you’re so…happy.”
Denny searched my face. His dark eyes were brimming with concern. “You okay? You kind of look like you’re going to be sick.”
Yes, I think I am going to be sick. Forcing a smile to my face, I shook my head. “I’ve been fighting something…but I’m okay.”
His brows drew together into a suspicious point. “Oh, sorry to hear that.”
Matt piped up beside him. “So, when you leaving?”
Denny started answering him. I heard the words, “When Kiera’s done with school,” and then I tuned him out. She’s leaving…I looked over to where Kiera was standing beside an empty table. She was staring at me, and for a brief second, I wondered if she could see my turmoil. If she knew that I knew what she’d done today. Not lingering on her long, I pointedly looked over to the back hallway. Meet me there, I need to talk to you. Now.
I didn’t look back at her to see if she’d understood my silent message. Instead, I finished my beer, stood up, and made my way to the bathrooms. Having to pee shouldn’t raise any red flags.
Once I was in the hallway, I darted into the back room and found an OUT OF ORDER sign and some tape. I could talk to Kiera back here in the supply room, but the lock on the door wasn’t working. We’d have more privacy in a broken bathroom, and right now, I needed to be alone with her. I needed answers. She chose him…
Figuring Kiera would be more comfortable in the ladies’ room, I checked to make sure the women’s bathroom was empty, then I taped the sign on the door. After I was done, I leaned against the wall in the space between the two restrooms and waited. When Kiera appeared, a smile broke over me. I couldn’t help the reaction. She was so beautiful, and I’d missed her today. I hadn’t even spoken to her since this morning. Reaching out for her hand, I opened the door to the women’s room with my other.
She pointed at the sign as she walked by. “Did you…?”
I answered her with a smile, but it faded from me once we were in the privacy of the empty bathroom. “Are you going t
o Australia with Denny?” Please say no.
Her eyes widened. “What? Where did you hear that?”
My stomach dropped. That wasn’t a denial. “Denny…he’s telling everyone, Kiera. What did you tell him?” Did you choose him? Are we over?
Kiera closed her eyes and leaned against the wall, like this was all too much for her. “I’m sorry. He was asking the wrong questions. I just needed time.”
She reopened her eyes, and they looked very apologetic. The hollow in my stomach slowly filled with fire. She hadn’t made a decision yet, but she was stringing Denny along with empty promises. If she didn’t follow through, he was going to be doubly crushed. I could understand being backed into a corner, but she shouldn’t have done that.
“So you told him you would leave the country with him? Kiera, God! Can’t you ever stop and think before you just spit things out!” I pinched my nose, trying to ease the headache I felt coming. She’d just made this so much harder than it needed to be.
“I know it was stupid, but in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to say.” Her voice was small, like she truly did realize her mistake.
Hating all of this, I sarcastically tossed out, “God, Kiera…did you agree to marry him too?” Wouldn’t that just be the topper on the cake?
I waited for her to huff out an “Of course not,” but she didn’t say it. She didn’t say anything. Her silence bounced around the room like the roar of a jet engine. “Did he…did he ask you?”
“I didn’t say yes,” she immediately whispered.
I instantly caught the problem in the way she’d worded that. “But you didn’t say no.” My hand dropped from my face, like all the strength had been sapped from it. The brief fire I’d felt was blown out in a puff of icy wind billowing through my chest. She hadn’t immediately said no…she was thinking about saying yes.
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