That I hadn't meant to scare her even more.
But my reasons died on my lips when I saw her wide, frightened eyes.
In all the years I'd known her, I'd never seen Brynn Reese undone. She was always polished. Poised. Her face was always carefully made up and her hair was always sleekly straightened.
So there was something unnerving, and also completely alluring, about seeing her - holding her - when she looked like this. Dressed in faded pajamas, her face scrubbed clean, and her hair caught up in a scraggly topknot that had fallen halfway over her face.
I'd only seen her like this the one other time. And then I'd only had the little sliver of light from underneath the closet door to see it. The porch light wasn't much brighter, but at least I could see all of her at once.
And now that I could see her, I couldn't stop staring.
"Sorry," I exhaled. Once I was sure she wasn't going to try to murder me again, I loosened my grip and took a deliberate, conciliatory step back. "I didn't mean to frighten you."
"Well. You did." She rubbed her hand over the place where I'd gripped her.
I'd raised delicate pink lines on her skin.
I swallowed. My throat was suddenly bone dry. I turned away and coughed, stuffing that impulsive desire, the thing I hated most about myself, back down.
Not here.
Not her.
I always pushed too hard. And when I'd pushed in the past, I ended up pushing girls away.
I couldn't do that with Brynn.
"Your brother called." I cleared my throat and coughed again. "He wanted me to make sure you were okay." I was relieved to see that some of the poise was returning to her face. "Are you okay?"
That little smirk, the one that looked like she'd spent ages practicing it in the bathroom mirror, had returned. "I'm fine," she said, blowing out an exasperated breath. "No thanks to you, Rett."
I tried to wrench my eyes from her bare, marked skin. I'd never allowed myself to feel this way about her before. She was Cal's sister. My best friend's sister.
But all I seemed able to do was stare.
"Were you in bed?" The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could catch them.
She gave me an odd look. "I have to be at the school at seven tomorrow. Primary school starts early."
I started nodding. Then tried to stop nodding. But I couldn't, because every time I moved my head, I was able to take her all in.
We had never talked about New Year's. I was fairly certain she was intent on forgetting it. Brynn hated awkward moments more than anything. And there was nothing more awkward than sex you clearly regretted.
I could never forget it. I'd wanted her forever. The memory of how she'd looked that night roared back, and I realized I hadn't gotten her out of my system.
If anything, she'd wormed her way deeper under my skin.
But I couldn't have her the way I wanted her.
"You want to come in or something?" she asked.
I took a deep breath. Temptation made my blood thud in my ears. It would be polite to accept, of course. But it would also be complete agony.
I wasn't sure I could trust myself with her when she looked so sleepy and vulnerable.
"No, it's fine," I told her. "I'll just check around the perimeter one more time before I go."
Her mouth worked up into a smile. "The perimeter? Who the heck are you?"
"Someone who likes to be thorough," I reminded her as I stepped off the porch.
I did a double take as she followed me on to the grass, but she didn't seem bothered by the cold, damp ground under her bare feet. "Did you see anything along the perimeter?" she teased again, crossing her arms over her chest.
She was not wearing a bra. I averted my eyes, trying to look anywhere else.
"I didn't see anything. In the perimeter," I clarified. "But if you heard something suspicious, maybe you want the police to come out." I took out my phone. "I can call right now."
She bit her lip. I had to look away again. My throat was a desert. I needed to get away from her.
And I also needed to know she was okay.
She took a deep breath. "No," she finally said. "I'm sure it's nothing." I turned back to her and she smirked. "Thanks for coming by. You're a good Boy Scout."
She meant to tease me, but I wouldn't take the bait. "You know it. You were at my Eagle Scout ceremony."
"I was. Always prepared and all that." She grinned. "You're useful to have around, Rett."
She turned back into her house, leaving me to my agony and the memory of pink lines on her skin.
Chapter Three
Brynn
"Have a great summer!" the secretary called.
I waved and smiled and kept right on walking until I was through the front doors and inhaling the scent of freedom. Just like it had when I was a kid, a long summer vacation stretched out in front of me.
The prospect of so much down time had me both giddy with promise.
And terrified of the possibilities.
"You want to go grab a drink?" Myra Gibbons called. She'd just finished her first year teaching the second grade special ed program. I liked her. But she had the disconcerting habit of staring directly into my eyes and mouthing along with my words as I said them. Like she was trying to predict what I would say next. It freaked me out.
I smiled. "You know?" I tried to keep the lie out of my voice. "I think I might just head home. Relax."
Myra's lips moved with mine. "-Relax," she echoed. Then nodded. "I get that. Enjoy it." I backed up and held my hand over my mouth, preventing her from reading my lips as I said, "I will!" Then I waited until she'd reached her car and waved, then started towards my own. Maybe I would go home and just veg out a little. The last day, with all its hugs and high fives and frantic goodbyes had my head spinning.
Grace, in particular, occupied my thoughts. She'd arrived in my classroom only a month ago, but she treated me like I'd been in her life forever. Her tight hug of farewell made me wonder what she was trying to hold on to. I shook my head. Screw relaxation, I needed a drink. But I wasn't going to go with Myra to one of the trendy new bars along the waterfront.
No, I was going to go to my second home.
I walked into my father's bar like I owned the place.
Which... I sort of did. A little bit. Reese's Pub was my father's by way of ownership. But it was mine by right of having grown up inside of its wood-paneled walls. I was as at home here as I was in my little Cape Cod on Gibson Street.
After last night's disturbance, maybe even more so.
I strode in with my head held high and took a quick survey of the place. Locals clumped together in sober huddles, like battle-scarred survivors bracing for another enemy onslaught.
I knew why.
The tourists were coming.
The last week of school was also the first week of the busy season. All of the shop owners were ready to relieve them of as much money as possible in the next few months.
My father was prepared too. Reese's Pub wasn't a tourist hangout. But it was the place the locals retreated to when fleeing the tourists.
As I strode across the wide-planked floor, I took in a great lungful of that scent that is peculiar to dive bars. The sharp tang of cut lemons, the sour whiff of the beer-soaked floorboards, and the musty odor of cigarettes smoked long ago but still haunting the air like restless ghosts. It smelled like home.
I was a queen and this was my castle.
"Hey Pop!" I called to my father as he lifted a case of liquor onto the back shelf. "Hey Brynn-Bee." He smiled. His ruddy cheeks and red nose looked even redder in the dim light. "Last day in the salt mines, right?"
I slid onto a stool. "Sweet, sweet freedom," I sighed, giving him a big grin. "Blessed summer vacation, there's nothing like it. This is why I went into teaching, after all."
My father arched a bushy eyebrow. It always amazed me that he could grow hair on every other part of his body except his head. "You went into teaching because
you love teaching and you're damn good at it," he chided me as he wiped down the bar in his usual tight, controlled circles. "Don't pretend you're lazy."
I shifted in my seat, basking in his roundabout praise. "Maybe I am lazy and you're just wrong," I pressed him, fishing for more compliments.
My dad lowered his arched eyebrow, then raised the other one. It was his favorite party trick and it never failed to make me snort. "You're probably right. You usually are."
I stuck out my tongue at him and laughed.
A whoosh of inrushing air announced the new arrival before I even turned to the door. "I knew you'd be here!" Autumn Melton-Granger called.
I clapped my hands and then jumped up to do a little jig. "Free! Free! Free!" I chanted as my friend and co-teacher collapsed on me in a relieved hug.
"Totally free too!" She pulled back and clapped her hand on my shoulder. "Right? You're still completely off, right? Don't tell me you changed your mind and got a summer job on me." She slid onto the stool next to mine. Her red hair glowed in the low light.
"No, Autumn. I haven't changed my plans since I saw you this morning."
She sighed. "Sorry. I guess I'm already going through Brynn-withdrawal. Hey, thanks for covering that staff meeting for me. I had more stuff to move than I thought."
My father plunked down two bottles of the local cider mill's latest offering in front of us. I nodded my thanks at him. "Did you get it all done?"
Autumn shrugged. "One classroom dismantled, one classroom still to assemble. I don’t know why I signed up to work at the day care center. I must have been out of my mind."
"I know why. Weddings are expensive." Autumn's February wedding had been an over the top celebration of finally, finally marrying her high school sweetheart, Cole Granger.
"I'm going to be paying it off the rest of my life."
"You should have let your grandfather pay. Especially since Cole was the one who bought his land." Earl Melton owned the marina in town before he sold the land to Cole's development firm for a small fortune. "He would have gladly given you the money."
"He needs it for his assisted living program. As much as he tries to claim otherwise." Autumn lifted her cider glass and took an expert sniff before sipping carefully and rolling it around in her mouth before swallowing. She fancied herself a beer expert. Me? I just liked drinking.
"No," she went on, setting down her glass. "Cole and I were determined to pay for it ourselves. We just... sort of... let the cost get away from us." She shrugged and lifted her drink again, this time taking a bigger swig. "Oh well. At least you don't have to work!"
"It feels weird. But kind of delightful too." I sighed happily. "I mean, it was bittersweet leaving the kids, that's for sure. " I went quiet for a moment, thinking back to this morning and little Gracie. "You're going to have Grace Moore in your room at the daycare, right?"
Autumn tapped her chin. "I think so. I think I saw her on the rolls."
"She gave me a hug this morning, and I swear it took both Lettie and Val to peel her off me again," I said, naming two of the one-on-one aides in our classroom."
Autumn arched her eyebrow. "Poor Gracie. At least she'll talk to you."
"Not by much." I sighed. Grace was one of those kids that got under my skin. "And she's still not playing with her peers. We were just starting to draw her out of her shell, and then the school year was over. " I sighed again and finally took a swig of my cider. Then wrinkled my nose. It was way too tart.
"Don't worry," Autumn soothed. "We'll be able to work on her some more this summer."
"Why are you so good? You always know exactly what to say."
Autumn rolled her eyes. "Tell me that again. I feel like I can't do anything right."
"You're still adjusting to newlywed life. Sharing you life with someone else has got to be weird."
She leaned in. "He pees with the door open. I don't think I'm ever going to get used to that."
"I bet, before long, you'll both be going to the bathroom with the door open." Autumn made a scandalized noise and pressed her hand to her heart. "I really don't know how you share your space like that," I laughed. "I'm too selfish. This summer is going to be all about me. And I know how that sounds, but fuck it. That's what I mean."
Autumn was always supportive. Even when my ideas were terrible. It's why I like her. She leaned forward excitedly. "What have you got planned?"
"So many things." My mind broke free and rushed off at a gallop. "I'm thinking I'll start journaling." I held up my fingers and started ticking them off one by one as I listed my ideas. "Daily yoga. Meditation. Extra training. I just... really want to figure out what's inside of me, you know?"
Autumn, good friend that she was, nodded sagely. "That sounds wonderful. But make sure you leave some room for girl-time in between all that me-time, okay? We need to have our wine and dessert nights." She whispered like she was imparting state secrets. "I found a new cheesecake recipe you're going to DIE for."
I swallowed back at retch. I hated cheesecake. But somewhere along the line, Autumn had become convinced it was my absolute favorite. Probably because she was so proud of her baking and I was always trying to be nice. I never had the heart to tell her the texture made me gag.
I smiled brightly and tried to change the subject. "I was thinking I should hike more, too," I mused, twirling my bottle around. "We've got all these trailed around here, and I rarely ever hike."
She raised her eyebrows. "You hate hiking," Autumn reminded me.
"Yeah. But maybe I'm wrong, you know? Maybe I say that, but I don't really know for sure because I haven't tried it enough. I do that a lot, you know?"
How could I explain this feeling to someone like Autumn? She'd always been sure of what she wanted from life. She had her life mapped out at a very young age. Marrying her high school sweetheart was just one more accomplishment ticked off her inner checklist. And she was checking everything off that list in perfect order.
My life, on the other hand, was nothing more than a series of false starts. Every time I tried to figure out what I really wanted, I got sidetracked. Every time I tried to board the train that would carry me into true adulthood, I got derailed at the station. "I'm thinking about this new motto," I told Autumn. "It really resonated with me. It goes, 'If you want to fly, let go of everything that holds you down."
"That's really profound, actually."
I nodded, warming to the subject of mottoes, which were my latest obsessive attempt at self-improvement. "Yeah, so I'm trying to let go of my clutter. You know all the time-wasting I do."
"You mean like the weekend we were supposed to go to my aunt's place and you spent the whole thing binging 'The Office' on Netflix?
I looked down. "Pretty much exactly that."
"But you were so happy though. And it didn't hurt anything. If you like doing something, Brynn, why do you hate yourself for doing it?"
"I don't hate myself. I just get... exasperated with myself. If that makes sense."
"It makes perfect sense. Because you are always exasperated with yourself." Autumn touched my hand gently. "You're always trying on these new personas, Brynn. You're not a hiker. That's okay. It's not a flaw. You seem to," she hesitated and then nodded. "Honey you seem to hate all the parts of you that make you... well... you."
I swallowed, then grabbed my cider from the table. It was too tart for sure. But I needed a drink.
Because she was absolutely right.
Chapter Four
Everett
I'd worked on the computer systems at the county hospital for nearly three years. And in that time, I'd learned to dread the sound of footsteps outside my office door.
I hated interruptions.
And I hated them even more when they came in the form of Josh Withers, the living, breathing embodiment of the word 'douchebag.'
I knew it was him because of the way his heels tapped along the floor. Yes. Heels. Somehow he thought we didn't notice that he gained a good inch and a half
in height whenever he switched from sneakers to his dress shoes. But we noticed.
Or at least I did. I noticed everything.
It was a curse.
"Hey McCabe." Josh leaned against my office doorframe and crossed his arms. "How's it going?"
I looked up from my computer, but didn't say anything. I didn't see the need. Whatever I said, Josh would ignore. Or use as a launching pad to jump into talking about himself.
And that's exactly what he did. "So the event this weekend, I was thinking of who to bring. There's this blond chick I'm seeing..." He mimed round shapes in front of his chest.
"Yeah?" I leaned back in my chair. There was no way to stop Josh once he got started. The only thing to do was let him prattle on until he got bored and wandered away.
"She's in town visiting her family for the summer, so of course she's bored and looking for a good time." Josh winked and grabbed his crotch. I tried not to wince. "So she's the girl I'm gonna take to that donors' function." He cleared his throat. "Just in case you were wondering where Brenda went."
"Where did Brenda go?"
Josh waved his hand. "She was getting too clingy. You know how it is. We decided on a mutual parting of ways."
"Yeah?" I wiggled my mouse when my screensaver kicked in, hoping he'd get the hint I was busy and leave.
I should have known better. "So this blond chick, her name is Tammy. Or Cammie. Maybe Sammie? Something like that. Anyway, I was thinking after the event I might take her out on my boat." He snapped his fingers like he'd remembered something. "Weren't you looking at boats? Which model did you end up with?"
I never mentioned getting a boat. This was just another one of Josh's attempts at dick-measuring. Sometimes I wished he'd finally just unzip and lay it out on the table. Cut to the chase. Get it over with.
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