by Brenda Ford
“That is what she said,” I confess. “But then she’s been distant all week long and I’m freaked out.”
“Angelo, Mandy has busy weeks. You know that. She always does and that hasn’t ever bothered you before. I think this is just a mix of everything going on in your head, making it worse.”
“You think?” I stare at my brother desperately. “I keep wondering that myself. I know that I can be a bit of an over thinker, but this really seems like something I should think about. Right?”
Brad sighs loudly and nods a little. “Maybe, but I personally don’t think you need to worry. I also think that we can discuss this further at home. There are some things that I need you to do here.”
Brad gives me a list of chores which I know are just busy work, but I go along with it because to be honest I do need something to take my mind off of things. Sitting here in the middle of my office, just thinking about Mandy is driving me insane. Not that it’s much of a distraction to be honest. Instead, I think about the early days instead. I remember how me and Mandy first met and how special things were then.
It was just a normal day; I had no idea how much my life was going to change as I stepped into that supermarket on a Wednesday afternoon. The first sound I heard was a woman yelling at one of the staff members. She immediately grabbed my attention because she was arguing about them still using single use plastic bags. It was during the time that a lot of stores were moving to paper bags of long-term use type, so it was a fair argument… but that wasn’t what I noticed really. It was her beautiful face as the passion gripped her, as she felt seriously strong about her point, the way that her hands waved around as she yelled.
Instantly, I knew that I had to talk to her. I needed to get to know her better, so in a moment of bravery that I haven’t ever emulated since, I asked her out on a date. She was so taken aback by me interrupting her for that, she ended up laughing and agreeing. Maybe if I had asked her at another time, she would have refused, especially because I’m a little younger than her, but she agreed, and we have been through strength to strength since.
She admired me then. I could tell from the way that she looked at me. She stared at me with love and happiness. I could make her laugh with ease and I always had her attention. How can I find out what changed? Why she doesn’t seem to look at me like that now? Why she doesn’t want to live with me? How can I get things back to how they used to be? I need to act and do something drastic. But what?
“Wesley,” I mutter to myself as if this is obvious. “Wesley can help.”
He might be a little younger than me, but he has the sharpest mind out of all of us. Brad is wonderful, but his advice isn’t enough, the gut feeling that something is wrong remains. I need someone else to help me.
I pick up the phone and call his office where he works in the IT department because his knowledge in technology is incredible. My creative mind, which is suited to the marketing here, can’t even begin to fathom what my brother does. But the difference in his brain is what might assist me right now…
“Hey, Angelo, everything alright?” he asks with absolutely no stress in his voice despite the fact that I know his job is a stressful one. “What can I do for you? Something computer related, I bet.”
“Not exactly.” All of a sudden, it feels weird to admit this to Wesley as well. If saying it to Brad made it all the more real, then telling Wesley would be like telling the world. Not because he’d spread it, just because it would be out there in the world. But I suppose I’ll have to tell him now. “It’s love life related.”
Wesley lets out a snort of laughter. “I don’t know if I can help you with that.”
“Well, despite your inexperience, I think you might be able to help me. I’m worried about my relationship. I don’t know what’s going on with Mandy, I feel like she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“You’re still worried that she might be cheating on you?” I almost forgot that I told Wesley way back when about the message, before I fully made the decision to get over it. “Because there are ways that we can find out.”
“What… what do you mean?” I gulp back a thick ball of emotion. “How can we find out?”
“Well, we can take a look at her phone, can’t we? See if there is anything incriminating there.”
Not only would that tell me if she had something to hide, it would tell me if she’s been messaging her friends about me and her. I could find out where I have been going wrong and what I can do to fix us. It’d be a bit of a desperate move, but seeing in to Mandy’s mind could really help. We can get things back on track…
But I know what Mandy is like. She seriously respects her space and privacy. If she ever found out that I went through her phone, she would kill me. It’d be the end of us instantly. We’d never be able to make it up. I don’t know if I can risk that. The whole idea is much too terrifying. Plus, I don’t do well with guilt. I’m sure it will eat me up from the inside out and I won’t ever be the same again. I won’t be able to live with myself.
“I don’t know,” I admit to Wesley. “I don’t think I need to go that far.”
“Are you sure?” It’s obvious from my brother’s voice that he doesn’t think I should avoid it. He must not trust Mandy at all, which is a shame. But I suppose it doesn’t really matter. In all the time that we have been together, Mandy hasn’t ever got close to any of my family or anyone in my life really. Nor am I that involved with hers. Maybe that isn’t the way that everyone would have it, but it works just fine for us.
“Yeah, I don’t think there’s anything to find out. Like Brad said, it’s probably just my over active imagination.”
“Hmm, sure. If that’s what you think. I hope you manage to sort it out somehow.”
“I… I will,” I reply with more doubt in my voice than I would like. “I’ll find a way to sort it. It’s probably just a rough patch, isn’t it? Plenty of people go through rough patches.”
“I’m sure they do, yes. I really hope that you don’t have anything to worry about.”
This is the sort of question I could ask my father… if he were still alive. I wish yet again that they were still alive. I wish they didn’t die in a car crash when I was only four years old. Not quite five. Brad was nineteen years at the time, and he looked after us, but his advice could only be based on something newer. He hadn’t had long term relationships, not like our parent’s marriage. They would know how to deal with a rough patch.
“Anyway, thank you for your help, Wesley, I really appreciate it.”
“I didn’t really help you,” he laughs. “But you know that you can talk to me about anything.”
Me and Wesley talk for a little while longer, carefully avoiding the subject of Mandy. I don’t think I should talk to anyone about it anymore, it might be better for me to just work it out myself. I mean, it’s me that needs to fix it, isn’t it? I’m the one who has to see how to make us back to what we used to be…
As I hang up the phone, another thought comes to me. The past could be just what we need. Since Mandy seems so jealous of her friend’s new relationship, maybe we should go back to the beginning. Have dates like we used to, buy her gifts… jewelry, like her friend gets. In fact, what I need to do is send some flowers to her work right now as a big romantic gesture to let her know that I’m thinking of her.
Yes, this is perfect, this is what I need to do. I don’t need to watch over Mandy and see what she’s up to, I need to take her hints and work with them. She’s already telling me what she needs I just have to hear it.
“I can do this,” I assure myself. “I can. I can make everything okay again. I have to.”
It feels like this is something I keep telling myself now. Like I’m desperately fighting for something that is slipping away and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I can’t hold on to it. But I’m not going to stop fighting. I refuse. I have thrown too much into this relationship, I have given everything to it. I won’t give up now. After all, the mo
re you give for love, the more you get out of it…
Chapter Five
Rachel
“No, Rachel,” Sheri groans like she’s actually in pain. “I don’t want to hear it anymore. Angelo is no good for you. You know this. If this crazy crush was ever going to go anywhere then it would have by now.”
“But Mandy isn’t good for him,” I shoot back. “And not just because of the affair…”
“I’ve already warned you not to get involved with that. Family matters are very delicate. I’m sure the fact that they are twins will make it all the more complicated. You don’t want to be in the mix. Not only will that ruin any chance that you have ever had with Angelo – not that I think you have one, to be honest with you. Not to be cruel, I just don’t want to see that excitable puppy dog look on your face for him – but also Alex will hate you.”
I don’t want to fall out with Alex ever. He’s a good friend and we gel well together as a band. The last thing we need is for an explosive argument to tear us apart just as we’re doing well.
“I know, I know. I just can’t stop myself from wanting Angelo.” I bang my palm against my head. “Even knowing that it’s stupid isn’t enough. I can’t switch my feelings off. And believe me, I want to. I don’t want to be that pathetic girl, trailing after a guy with a girlfriend. You know that isn’t me.”
“I know.” Sheri gives me a sympathetic look as she cocks her head to one side. “And that’s why I want to help you. I don’t like to see you breaking your heart over him. It isn’t nice.”
I nod dejectedly, knowing that she’s so accurate with her words. “I don’t know what to do though.”
“Well, that’s where I might be able to do something.” Sheri’s smile is suspiciously bright. “I have been wanting to do this for a while, but I needed to wait until you were ready for it. Now, I think you are.”
“Ready for what?” I ask suspiciously. “I don’t know if I like the sound of this.”
Sheri snorts with laughter. “For a double date of course. For you to meet someone else and move on.”
Even the idea of going on a date with someone else makes my chest get tight. It aches with the pain of accepting that me and Angelo will never be a couple. I think that’s why I haven’t ever moved on. I’m sadly just waiting for the day that he will be mine. But if everyone can see that will ever happen, then maybe it’s time for me to do the same thing. Give up the dream and the fantasy. Grow up and start getting a life for myself. I’m twenty years old, in the prime of my life. I shouldn’t be hung up on just one person. It’s sad.
“Okay,” I agree with a nod. It doesn’t feel good to accept this challenge, but then it won’t feel good not to either. If the status quo isn’t working, then it’s time to shake it up. Whether I like it or not.
“Thank God.” Sheri blows out a breath of relief. “Because honestly, Rachel, it’s so hard to see you like this. You’re a sexy rock goddess who could have any man that she wants. You won’t have trouble meeting anyone. I bet you’ll find the right guy for you in an instant. Or a bunch of right men.”
As she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at me, I feel sick to my stomach. The idea of getting to know guys isn’t something I’m going to relish. But I don’t have any choice. I need to suck any insecurities away.
“In fact…” Sheri grabs my arm hard. “Let’s go out for a few drinks tonight. Not to find a guy necessarily, but just to have some fun. You really need some fun, girl. Which I shouldn’t have to say to the rock and roll queen.”
“Hmm, not exactly rock and roll, am I?” I reply wryly. “I will do my best to change that.”
“You know, I think to cheer you up further, we should go shopping after this. Get some new outfits. Retail therapy is always amazing. We can go to one of your funky shops for stage clothes as well.”
“You know my rock outfits aren’t just for the stage. I wear them all the time.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look at you. You’re smiling already.” Sheri looks incredibly pleased with herself. “I told you, retail therapy is the best. Come on, eat up and we will head out. Get some date clothes too…”
Urgh, my good mood comes crashing down as I think about dating all over again. Sheri might think that I’m ready, but I don’t know if I am. It’s scary to put myself out there and to be vulnerable. To have another man with his arms around me when really, I’m pining after ne I can’t have. Will that be my life forever? Will I be married with kids and still be worrying about Angelo being hurt by Mandy? Alex too?
God, that really is a bleak thought. I do need to shake things up, to try something new. I need to strip him from my mind by any means possible, which isn’t easy when he’s in my life the whole time. But perhaps a double date with my best friend will help to ease me in. It has to be better than doing it alone.
“Sure,” I announce with a nod to Sheri. “Date clothes, let’s do it. Sounds fun.”
“Don’t be nervous.” She winks at me. “Me and you are going to be just fine.”
I hope she’s right. I need her to be right. I want more for myself. This needs to be the first day of the rest of my life where I really make things better for myself. Only I can make my existence more bearable…
“I love that on you! It’s beautiful!” Sheri screams. “You must buy it. It looks amazing.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Are you serious? Look how low cut it is! It’s dangerous.”
“Why shouldn’t you show your bits off? You have an awesome set of breasts. You should show them off some more. Especially if you’re planning to land yourself a new man. Which, don’t forget, you are.”
I sigh and stare at my reflection in the mirror. Admittedly, this tight black studded dress does cinch in at the waist in a nice way and it definitely makes my cleavage very noticeable. Plus, the zig zagged hem line is cool. On anyone else, I would recommend it, but I don’t know if it’s a bit much for me.
I wonder what Angelo would think about this… As soon as that thought pops into my brain, I shove it away. I’m not supposed to be thinking about anything to do with him. He doesn’t exist to me anymore. How is this going to be the first day of the rest of my life if I keep thinking about him?
“Do you really think I should get this?” I snap a little ferociously. Sure, the dress isn’t me. But being me isn’t exactly working out, is it? Maybe it’s time to start being someone else. “You really like it that much?”
“I do.” Sheri nods. “And I also feel like you should get that jacket as well. The tartan one. You need to treat yourself today. Make yourself feel good. Oh! We should also get our hair done too; don’t you think?”
I nod, knowing that does always make me feel a little better. “Yeah, okay. I like it. New look…”
“New you, exactly. Trust me, it’s just what you need! Trust me.”
I smile gratefully. It could always be worse, couldn’t it? I could always be going through this alone. Not only do I grab the items that Sheri has recommended I buy, I also get a leather skirt I tried on earlier, the cool cat bag I liked before but thought that it was too expensive, and some new boots. Why not go all out? I deserve it. The band has been doing well recently anyway, and if things carry on the way that they are then it can only get better. Why not enjoy this moment? Sheri is right. She’s pushing me towards something so much better.
“You need to get some new things as well,” I tell her with a grin. “If I’m going through this dramatic life change, then you need to do it with me. That’s how best friends work.”
“Oh, well I’m not going to say no to that.” Sheri grabs a hand full of clothes that I’m sure she had her eye on anyway. “You know me. I’m always up for some shopping. I definitely need some new dresses.”
I giggle as she takes herself into the changing rooms and I take a seat to wait for her. I take another look through everything that I’m going to buy with a sense of happiness and warmth radiating through me. There really is something to retail therapy, it’s true.
I am in a much better place already, feeling more positive.
I grab my cell phone to take a look through social media as I wait for Sheri, just to pass a bit of the time. I scroll aimlessly, barely even noticing what I’m looking at, half wondering why I’m even bothering… when I stumble across something that makes my heart stop beating, a sickness swirling through me.
“Oh my God,” I whisper as I stare at the horrifying picture. It just seems to get worse, doesn’t it? I can’t escape no matter what I do. The image of Mandy and Angelo together is going to destroy me. Especially when it’s attached to the caption ‘date night tonight’. I don’t want to think about them on a date. It’s upsetting.
I’m never going to be able to move on, am I? That isn’t ever going to happen for me. I’m going to be stuck with these feelings forever more. It doesn’t matter how many new clothes I buy or how I style my hair, I am never going to get over him. He’s special to me, he’s the only one I can feel this way about.
Tears fill my eyes as I shove my phone away. They are tears of frustration more than anything else. I’m annoyed more than anything else. Irritated that I can’t just switch it all off. What is the matter with me? I feel myself falling apart at the seams, splitting open and melting in to a puddle all over the place.
“What do you think?” Sheri parades out of the changing room, showing off her new dress. Her legs extend long, her curves are accentuated. She looks great. “What do you think? Does it suit me?”
I shove my feelings down, knowing that Sheri will lose her shit if she knows that I have been online upsetting myself. I force a giant smile on my face and nod enthusiastically. I need to keep strong, to remain behind the mask. Especially if I’m not ever going to be okay again… “It looks great. You need to get it.”
“I’m going to wear this tonight and you will wear the black one. We will have a double date so soon.”
“I thought that we weren’t looking for a double date tonight.”
