by Brenda Ford
Oliver nods along with me but I can tell that he doesn’t really agree. Luckily, I’m a grown ass man who can make my own decisions. I know that I’m doing the right thing, and soon everyone else will too.
“Anyway.” I shove my cell phone away, done with Mandy’s stupid messages now. “Let’s go. I’m ready.”
“Okay. I just wanted to say that whatever happens… well I’m here for you, okay?”
I pat him on the back too to thank him. “I appreciate that. It means a lot to me.”
We head out to the car and have an almost silent ride to the gig, not that it bothers me because I’m far too lost in my own thoughts anyway. About Rachel, of course, she’s the only person I think about these days. Then when we head inside, we go to the bar and order in drinks. There’s a strange nervous sensation in the pit of my stomach as I wait for the gig to finally begin. I haven’t ever felt this way before, not even when watching Alex for the first time. And it really does feel like the first time I’m seeing the band and Rachel playing, even though I have been in this position a million times before. I guess it’s because now that I know Rachel, I can’t believe that she has been in my life for such a long time and I haven’t noticed her properly. How blinded was I by Mandy?
I consider this all the way until the gig begins, even more confused as she steps up on to the stage. Rachel might be at the back, behind the drums, but she absolutely glows. The spot light focuses only on her, she shines like the damn sun, looking so stunning as she smiles in to the cheering crowd. That is the woman that I will be going home with. She will leave with me. How damn lucky am I?
For a second, she meets my eyes and we lock together, blocking the rest of the world out. Our world shrinks down to just us and I love it. I love knowing that even on this big stage where the band has adoring fans, she is still noticing me out of everyone. Me and her really have the best relationship ever. Anything that I have ever had before doesn’t even come close. It doesn’t matter that this has happened quickly and it’s just the beginning. I know. She is the one for me. We are going to make this work.
I am still experiencing the intense high as the gig ends, almost like I was the one up on stage, not Rachel. I felt a real connection to her, she looked incredible and her drumming and singing burst right through me. I loved every second of it. I want to watch her up there forever. She’s just everything.
I stand by the bar, waiting for her to leave back stage so I can let this rush of feelings out. There are so many things that I want to tell her, too many things I need to say. I can barely contain myself.
“That was good, wasn’t it?” Oliver says to me in that breezy, disconnected tone I used to use when watching the band. I’ve always enjoyed watching Alex, but it wasn’t ever like this. “The band is going to go far.”
“I know. They are just so…” Nope, I can’t explain it. Not to Oliver. He won’t understand.
Before I can say anything else, the back-stage door opens and Alex swaggers out, proud of his performance tonight, which is well deserved. Women surround him, like usual, but he treats them with a distance. Like they are just fans. I’ve always wondered why he doesn’t seem to take more advantage of his fame when it comes to women, but he seems happy as he is, so that’s fair enough. Whatever my brother wants.
Gary comes next, managing to smile himself. He bypasses all the fans surrounding my brother and grabs himself a drink. I can practically see the thoughts spinning through his brain. He’s the person who deals with the music and the business side of the things, so he’s always planning what comes next. Not that I have a musical bone in my body, but if I was ever going to be in a band, that’s who I would be too.
Then, Rachel appears. I feel her before I see her. Her presence touches me deeply, affecting me in all kinds of beautiful ways. It’s almost like she’s my other half, we’re connected to one another in a really special way, and I love it. I get a rush of warmth tearing through my body as I clap eyes on her. My heart races quicker than I ever thought possible. Flames lick up and down my skin. This gorgeous, sweet and sexy rock chick is mine. I am so god damn lucky. I sense Oliver’s eyes upon me too, watching me curiously, but he fades in to the background.
Rachel sees me too and she gives me a coy smile. I wonder if she feels shy, because even though I have watched her play a million times, it’s definitely different this time around. No denying it.
“Amazing,” I mouth to her, the deep thrill building with every step closer to me. “Wonderful.”
But before she can actually meet me, a group of male fans who were dancing their asses off in front of the band, grab her and bombard her with a million questions. A little deflated, but knowing that this is only to be expected, I slump backwards on to my seat to wait. Wait and watch. Watch as they hug her and kiss her on the cheek while taking photos with her. Holding her in a way that I want to be the only one to hold her.
All of a sudden, my chest gets tight and I lean forwards as a shooting pain stabs my stomach. Horrible images that I don’t even want to consider flash through my brain. Rachel, kissing those guys back, wrapping herself around them, taking them back to her hotel room and getting naked with them… her red curly hair cascading around her as all of those guys send her to heaven over and over again. Touching her, tasting her, kissing her…
If Mandy can cheat on me after years when we’re together a lot of the time, then Rachel can too. If the band gets bigger and starts going on tour all around the world with all kinds of men wanting her, then who’s to say that she won’t be tempted? We’re brand new. Sure, I’m swimming in deep feelings, but there is no guarantee that Rachel feels the same. She might be just in this for some fun, for a superficial time. Just for now.
Oh my God, I can’t breathe. The idea is getting too much for me. I might be completely unlovable; this could be all my fault. I mean, what am I even thinking? Rachel is way too good for me. She’s stunning, she’s cool as hell, she’s nice too… eventually she will realize that I’m not enough for her. That she can have so much more, and I won’t be able to blame her. Why wouldn’t she want more?
“I need to go,” I whisper to myself. “I have to get out of here. It’s no good.”
I already feel like I’m holding Rachel back and nothing has even happened yet. I can just see us turning sour, growing bitter like me and Mandy did, growing to dislike one another. I can’t allow that to happen. Not when she’s important to Alex as well. The band need to have harmony. Plus, I don’t want to harm her at all.
Without much thinking about what I’m doing, I leap to my feet and run from the bar. I race all the way outside until the cold air hits me. I don’t know if anyone saw me or if they’re too busy with their own things, but it doesn’t matter. This is overwhelming for me, too intense and powerful. The feelings are crushing me. I have to escape before I completely collapse and cave to this panic that wants to swallow me up whole.
I run. I don’t even know where I’m going but I run there at the speed of light, feeling better and worse at the same time with every step.
Chapter Nineteen
Rachel
“Thank you so much,” I say for what feels like the hundredth time. “It’s always great to have the support of the fans. We wouldn’t be anywhere without you, so thank you so much.”
I try to pull away just a little. I always love to give as much time as possible to the people who come out to see us, but right now I have someone more important that I need to spend time with. Playing for Angelo knowing that he’s now definitely going to be noticing me and seeing me up there. I was singing a lot for him, and I want to know what he thought about it. I might only be a backup vocal, but it’s still nerves wracking to hear what he says. I’m sure he will be lovely because that’s how Angelo is, but I’m still fearful.
“Just one last selfie!” one of the guys calls out to me. “Please. I just want one on my own.”
I have to admit; this is a little overwhelming. It’s one of the side effects of g
rowing more popular, and I suppose the bigger the band gets the worse it will be, but this isn’t what I do it for and it’s a little much. I will have to do what I can to get used to it though. The fans of the band really do hold us together.
“Sure, one more.” I lean in next to him and try not to wince as he grabs me. Just because I am up on stage sometimes, it makes people believe that they have the right to touch me. “Right okay, thank you.”
I pull away now, refusing to give any more of myself to this guy, and I turn towards the bar with a bright smile on my face… only it fades away the moment I see that the space where Angelo was only moments before is empty. I dart my eyes from side to side to see if he’s just moved or been caught by someone, but there’s no sign.
“Oliver!” I find his brother and get his attention. “Where did Angelo go?”
“I think he went outside but I’m not a hundred percent sure. He was looking a little sick…”
He didn’t look sick when I saw him just a moment ago, so this feels suspicious to me. I’m afraid that he’s changed his mind about me again and he’s just gone without telling me. It has been quick, there’s no denying that, he might not be over Mandy yet since he hasn’t given himself a break. What if he’s gone back to her again…?
I fearfully touch my cell phone; half expecting to grab it and see more pictures of him and her together on social media… not that he’s had enough time for that. The pain from it happening again is all too real though. I guess I’m not fully over what happened the first time we kissed when I saw him with her.
I finally have him, I think desperately to myself. After all this time, he’s mine, but it shouldn’t be like this.
This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, I finally have everything that I have ever wanted, but there’s a fear there, a little coldness. It isn’t exactly what it should be. My gut is afraid, trying to tell me why everything is all kinds of wrong, but I do what I can to push it down as I walk outside.
“Just call him,” I tell myself quietly. “Speak to him, don’t let it get bad again.”
But it doesn’t take long for me to realize that it isn’t going to happen. The phone is ringing out, all the way to voice mail. He isn’t going to speak to me this way. He might not ever speak to me at all. That might be it for us. Oh God, it’s like a gut punch while I think about him out of my life forever. I was so damn close to getting everything that I wanted and now it might be gone. This time it will be gone for good.
I glance back towards the bar, wondering if I should go back inside. Maybe I need to drink a couple to block all of this sadness out. That’s how other people seem to deal with their issues, but I don’t think that’s the best idea for me. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it. I probably should go home instead. All the good feeling from my chest evaporates as the night ends in the opposite way that it was supposed to. I should have my brand-new boyfriend on my arm now, drinking and laughing, having a good time. Then soon, we should be on the way back to my place to have a little fun of our own. Me and the man of my dreams in bed together. The idea of it got me all fired up on stage, it gave me even more passion than I felt before playing music.
As I head back inside to get my belongings before I leave for good, all the while I keep thinking about Angelo. I suppose it’s a good thing that I didn’t tell Sheri though, at least she can’t tell me that she knew this was going to happen. Much as I’d like her sympathy right now, I don’t want to hear that everything I’ve done is wrong.
“You okay?” Oliver asks while resting his hand on my shoulder. “Did you find Angelo?”
I shake my head. “No, I think he’s gone. I don’t think he’s coming back either.”
“Oh no? Where do you think he has gone? That doesn’t seem like him?”
I shrug. I don’t want to voice my suspicions aloud because it makes them that much more real. But also, because Oliver is Angelo’s brother so that’s where his loyalties will lie. I can’t be sure of anything anyway.
“That’s strange. I’ll try and get hold of him. See what he’s doing…”
“No, no. Don’t worry.” I stop him in his tracks. “I already tried. He isn’t picking up.”
“But he shouldn’t treat you like this. It isn’t right. I need to work out what he’s up to.”
I shake my head and pick up the pace to pull away from Oliver. Even if his brother gets through to him, I don’t know if I want to know what he has to say. I’m just done here. I want to go out before I lose my mind. I grab my things and finally get back out of the bar before anyone else can catch me, and I start the slow walk home.
I stuff my hands into my pockets and drag my feet behind me as I go. Half of me is shattered and wants desperately to get into bed to crash to sleep. The rest of me is buzzing and wide awake, never able to get to sleep again. With all of this in my mind, I don’t know if I will ever be able to shut off again.
“Hey, you!” a drunk guy from a bar calls out to me. “Come and have a drink with us.”
“No, I’m okay thank you.” I shake my head. “I’m on my way home.”
“Oh, come on. The night is young.” It doesn’t even matter as I walk further away, he isn’t going to stop. “There is still lots of fun to be had. Me and my friends can make sure you have a good night.”
Urgh, there is such a suggestion in his voice that I don’t want to hear. It makes me shudder to even think about being with another man, especially one like this one. Dating didn’t work out for me, guys in bars aren’t for me, Angelo is still the one I want, even though he’s turned his back on me a number of times.
I’m sad and pathetic, that’s the truth of it. I need to put an end to this now. I already know that I won’t be able to delete Angelo’s number just in case in the future he ever does get in touch with me again, but perhaps I can get rid of all the pictures of us. Just as a symbolic gesture that I’m stronger than this.
If he has gone back to Mandy, then I don’t want to look back at that time period anyway, I don’t want to remember that I had him for a brief second but then I lost him. Because I wasn’t enough for him. And if the small chance happens that we remain together, then we can just take new pictures. It’s no big deal.
But as I scroll through the photos and I see the shining happiness in my gaze, the glee in my eyes, and the same reflected in his face as well. I can’t get rid of that because it’s just too perfect for words.
Instead, I continue on with my search through the pictures until I find the one of Alex and Mandy. That’s the one I really need to delete. That one won’t help me at all. There’s no reason for me to continue on because it seems that nothing is enough to drag Angelo away from Mandy. He’s obsessed with her.
But I can’t. Because I’m obsessed too. I’m pathetically, sadly obsessed with a man that would never want me. I shove my phone away, trying not to get all worked up by my emotions, which isn’t the easiest. But I don’t want to cry over this man again. I can’t. It’s been too long, too many years.
“Go home,” I whisper to myself. “Go home and sleep all of this off.”
Things will look better in the morning. I don’t know where I first heard that sentence, but clearly it has stuck with me and I suppose now it seems more relevant than ever. Now the night is awful.
I turn at the corner to my street and dig my hand inside my bag to search for my keys. I have so much junk inside my hand bag, I always tell myself that I need to empty it when I have time so I don’t have this drama every time I get home, but I don’t ever do it. I never seem to have the time to make it work out.
“Rachel.” All of a sudden, a new voice drags my focus away from my bag. A voice I didn’t expect to hear.
“Angelo?” He’s here? But he can’t be here. Why would he be here? He’s with Mandy…
“Sorry I left.” He steps closer to me, his expression flooded with regret. “I wasn’t expecting you to come home so early. I was just going to wait until you got back to speak to y
ou.”
“What if I didn’t come back?” I fold my arms defensively across my chest. “What then?”
“Well, then I guess I would have to just sit here all night long then.”
He smiles, but I don’t return the look. I can’t just by pass what’s happened. He ran out on me, he left me, and I don’t know why yet. Things are too new between us for me to just be okay with it.
“Can I come in?” he asks quietly. “I know that I don’t deserve it, but I would like to explain.”
“Can you explain?” I demand. “Is there a way to explain this?” I guess a part of me still thinks it’s Mandy related and I’m too scared to let that go. I’m too afraid of getting my heart shattered.
“I can, just give me a chance, please. I promise I can make you understand.”
I don’t know if I should or not, but I unlock my front door and let him inside anyway, just because I want to know. I don’t want this to end, and certainly not with me asking ‘what if?’.
Chapter Twenty
Angelo
“I’m sorry,” I burst out as soon as we reach Rachel’s first room. “I can’t believe I ran away like that…”
“Why did you do it?” I knew that I would get a hard time. I can tell that Rachel doesn’t want to be hurt, but her tone affects me deeply. She’s a lot madder at me than I thought she would be. “Huh? Why?”
“I’m going to be honest with you, Rachel.” I pause and suck in a deep breath. “Because of jealousy.”
That stuns her in to silence for a few seconds. “What do you mean? Jealousy? Why?”
