by Brenda Ford
“Coward,” I mutter with frustrated tears in my eyes. “You are a coward, Rachel Weston.”
I step back inside and close the door behind me. It would almost be better if I had band practice today or a gig to get to, but Gary has meetings with music executives, and he wants to deal with it alone. I was okay with that when it was first mentioned, but now I would absolutely love the distraction.
I grab my cell phone and call the only person I can speak to right now, even if everything she said would happen has. If I can’t talk to my best friend in my hour of need, then, when can I?
“Hey!” she answers the phone with that happy voice that comes from spending time with Luke. I’m a little jealous of their simple, easy relationship actually. I wish it could be a little more like that with me and Angelo.
“Hi, Sheri.” In comparison, my voice is filled with a morose sadness. “Do you have lunch plans today?”
“Other than a sandwich at my desk, I don’t have any plans at all. Why what are you thinking?”
“I really need to talk. I need your wise advice. Do you think you could come here?”
“Sure, I can. Is everything alright? You sound like you’re having a rough time.”
I sigh loudly. “It’s too complicated to explain over the phone. I am okay, I just need your help.”
“Right, well I will bring food to yours and we can discuss it then, okay?”
“Sure, sounds good.” I breathe out with relief. Sheri will sort me out. “Thank you, Sheri. I’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon, sweetie. It will go quickly so don’t you worry. I’ll be there before you know it. Goodbye!”
As I hang up the phone, I decide to keep myself busy until my friend gets here. If I sit around and wait, even if I try to watch TV, I will end up losing my mind. I’ll just get seriously stressed and worked up. Instead of that, I’m going to use this as an opportunity to really sort my apartment out. Get it cleaned, tidied, and organized too. I have plenty to do in this department, so at least it will keep me busy.
“Oh, thank God!” I cry out as there’s a knocking at the door. “Sheri, is that you?”
All that keeping myself busy has just wound me up more. It turns out that it doesn’t matter how much I try to distract my mind; the thoughts keep on spinning through me. Angelo, Alex, Mandy, the police. It’s a damn mess.
“Yeah, it is! Will you let me in already?” she calls back. “I’m about to drop everything.”
I tug the door open and see Sheri with arms full of food. She has definitely got far too much, but that’s why I love her. She would rather bring too much and be excessive than too little.
“Wow, you weren’t joking! Come in, Sheri. Sort me out. I’m a mess.”
“I know, I thought as much. That’s why I’m sorting this out for you. Now, let’s get all this food out so we can eat and talk. I have always found that problems are dealt with better when food is involved.”
I laugh and give her a hand, already feeling a little lighter now that I’m not on my own. Then we sit down and chew silently for a little while, both of us lost in our thoughts. Sheri won’t remain quiet for long though…
“So, come on!” she bursts out, just as I expect. “Tell me all about it. You’re killing me here.”
“Right, okay.” I suck in a breath, stealing myself for the onslaught that’s about to come. “So, you might have been right about a thing or two. I hate to admit it, but not everything. It isn’t everything!”
“Okay,” she drawls, nodding slowly. I don’t miss the small smile playing on her lips.
“Angelo found out about Alex and Mandy last night. He actually caught them at it backstage.”
“No! Oh my God, that’s awful. I bet it exploded, didn’t it? I can’t even imagine.”
“It was dreadful. They fought so badly they ended up getting arrested, and now Angelo is saying that he won’t ever speak to Alex again. He’s utterly fuming about the whole thing. It’s a real mess.”
“I’m not surprised. I mean, Alex was always playing with fire, wasn’t he? It would always end badly.”
“I know. Yes. Angelo wouldn’t just take that, would he? But at the same time, I didn’t think it’d be this bad.”
Sheri narrows her eyes at me. “I take it you didn’t confess you know about the whole thing?”
“No, I never said anything. I didn’t really get a chance to during the fight, and when he came here after being arrested, he was all broken. I didn’t want to make things worse for him! He was so angry at his brothers for not immediately taking his side – which of course, they can’t, they’re going to have to help Alex too – I didn’t want to be someone else to betray him. I don’t want him to feel completely alone.”
“Is there any way that he can find out? Have you ever told anyone else that you know?”
“The only way he could find out is if he ever discovers that I’m the one who sent him the picture. But he didn’t have my number at the time, and he hasn’t ever mentioned it since he has had my number, so I can only assume that he just deleted it. I don’t suppose he can get it back but it’s still a little worrying.”
I gulp, feeling dreadful about the whole thing. It was a stupid thing to do at the time, but now it feels even more idiotic. Everything is resting upon it, my future happiness, my love, everything. It makes my heart race at the speed of light, a sickness swirl. I don’t think that I can eat a damn thing anymore. This is another thing that Sheri warned me against, but by the time she said it I’d already done it. I might actually have to start listening to my friend. Asking her before I do anything wild and crazy again. She’s so much smarter than me. Clearly.
“I don’t suppose he can. And you don’t have the picture anymore, do you?”
“I do.” I grab my phone to show her. “But he doesn’t look at my phone. So, that isn’t an issue.”
She takes the phone from me and stares at the screen, a wariness in her face. Her eyes flicker over the image a few times and all I can do is silently watch her, knowing that she must be judging me for my idiocy.
“I don’t know if this is something that you should ever confess to doing.” She puts my phone down on the couch beside her and stares right at me. “I think that you should just treat it as a mistake, something you did in the heat of the moment, not something you need to hurt Angelo with right now. He’s been betrayed by everyone in his life – at least in is mind – and you’re the only person he can’t trust right now.”
“You think?” Much as that’s the easiest option, it seems like the coward’s way out as well. To just remain silent and hope that it doesn’t come out. I’m really on edge about it right now, but I suppose that will change. Things will get better as time passes and this becomes a thing of the past. I would much prefer to focus on me and Angelo anyway, rather than a person that he used to be with before me. “But won’t that be a bad start?”
“What do you mean? Haven’t you and Angelo already started?”
“But we’re at the beginning and we will be starting on a lie. Surely, that isn’t a good plan.”
I can tell from Sheri’s face that she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t need that; I need her to give me all the answers. I need her to tell me step by step what to do for the best.
“It’s fucked up, isn’t it?” I slump my head backwards, caving to the hopelessness. “What do I do?”
“I think you just need to take it moment by moment, day by day. I don’t think you can push things right now. Angelo just needs someone he can talk to and you’re the only person. Just keep it inside.”
“I feel like I’m hiding so much from him. Why am I hiding so much from him?”
“What else are you hiding?” Sheri pokes me in the side playfully. “Do you have more secrets?”
Shit, I wasn’t prepared to say this too, but since I’m on a roll with telling the truth, I might as well confess all. I can’t tell Angelo, so I might as well tell my friend how I feel about it all.
“I am definitely in love with Angelo. Seriously. Like, full on love. I know I used to say love before me and him were together, but this is different. This is full on. I have fallen head over heels.”
Sheri is silent for so long it actually starts to freak me out. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and wait for her to say something. Anything. I know that this is a lot, but it’s the truth of it.
“This is what I’m afraid of,” she finally replies quietly. “You getting in too deep. Because you have liked him for such a long time, you’re falling fast. The situation is messy as it is, and you can’t have your head on straight.”
“So, what do you think I should do then? Because I can’t exactly help how I feel.”
“I know. And I’m not saying you should. If it were me, then I would take a step back and just be there for Angelo as a friend for the time being until all of this resolves itself, but I don’t think you can do that.”
“I can’t.” I might as well be honest. “I love him too much for that.”
“Does he know that you love him? Does he feel the same way about you?”
“We haven’t talked about it.” I do feel silly saying this because again, I know that Sheri is right and I’m a fool, but I can’t stop myself from being a fool for Angelo. “It just hasn’t come up yet with everything going on.”
“I see. Well, I just need you to be careful,” Sheri tells me gravely. “I just think you need to remember to protect yourself through all of this. Look after Angelo, sure, but take care of you. I don’t want you to lose yourself through all of this. I don’t want you to lose what makes you so damn special. Please, Rachel this is important.”
I nod sadly, agreeing with her in theory, but I don’t know if that’s something I can keep up in practice. If things carry on the way they are, I don’t know how much of myself will be left at the end of it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Angelo
“Angelo,” Brad says while knocking quietly and unsurely on my office door. “Can I come in?”
“I don’t think so. I’m too busy working. I have a lot to get done and I don’t have the time for this.”
“Come on, Angelo. Remember I’m the boss. If I say you can have time off, then it’s fine…”
I glare upwards, staring daggers right through him. I’m only here because I have to be. I certainly don’t want to be dealing with my personal problems here. That’s for out of the work place, always. Brad should know that.
“I really just don’t want to talk, Brad. I’m not in the mood for it. I would rather focus.”
“Please, Angelo. This is the first chance I have had to talk to you since I found everything out. Oliver said you went straight to Rachel’s after the police station, so I assumed you didn’t want to be disturbed there…”
“No, and I don’t want to be disturbed here either. I’m here to get my work done.”
I dart my eye downwards, back to the paper work that I’m currently filling in, but my vision has become bleary. Having Brad here trying to make me confront things is really challenging for me to digest. It’s bringing up all the millions of emotions that I have been doing my best to shove right down.
“Angelo, you’re hurting. Of course, you are. Please, talk to me about it.”
“I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know what to say. I’m just so shocked by all of it.”
“We all are, believe me,” Brad shoots back wryly. “No one expected this to happen. I never would have thought that Alex was capable of betraying anyone. He’s always been so loyal before.”
Shit, is that a tear? It fucking better not be! I brush my finger over the wetness underneath my eye in frustration.
“Well, I certainly wouldn’t have thought it from any of my brothers. Least of all my twin! He’s supposed to be the closest person to me. He shouldn’t ever do what he did. And Oliver was defending him!”
“I don’t think Oliver agrees with Alex at all,” Brad jumps in right away. “I think he just wants you to understand that there might be two sides to the story. You will eventually need to see Alex’s side.”
“Why?” I bang my hands down on my desk angrily. “Why do I need to see Alex’s side?”
“Because he’s your brother, that’s why, and you can’t severe a family tie like that.”
“I won’t be the one severing it. He did that the first time he went anywhere near Mandy. And don’t worry, I have already heard his excuse. That he loves her. He loves her so much he doesn’t give a shit about harming me. He must love that bitch so much he doesn’t care that she was supposed to be my girlfriend. That I loved her too. I mean, what sort of excuse is that? Would you accept it? I already know that you wouldn’t.”
Brad refuses to meet my eye which gives me a better sense of satisfaction. He agrees with me and he’s just too afraid to say it. But I don’t think that he should be scared, he should be so fiercely on my side that nothing else matters. He should be in here cursing out Alex for his seriously shitty behavior.
“The best thing that you can do is come home,” Brad finally tells me. “Come back with me and we can all get together. All the brothers so we can have a family discussion. Talk this all out.”
“What’s the point? I’m never going to forgive this. I can’t get over it. There isn’t anything to say.”
“You can’t just turn your back like that. We need to discuss it. Communication is important…”
“Yes, it is. When there can be a resolution, but there can’t be any here. There is no end to this.”
Brad leans back in the chair where he has sat opposite me, and stares at me to try and see how serious I am. Well, let him sit there and work it out because he’s soon going to realize that I am deadly serious. I mean this more than anything I have ever said before. I have had a lot of time to think about it and I feel exactly the same way. I am totally done with Alex now, and the rest of my family if it has to be that way.
“Why, Angelo? Why aren’t you being reasonable about this? For me.”
“You know that I would do anything for you. You know it. But this, I can’t do.”
My refusal is the only thing Brad is ever going to get from me. It doesn’t matter how long he sits here looking at me, he won’t get more. It doesn’t matter how many days or months pass. Alex has gone too far. There is no coming back from this. Basically, he’ll be better off just accepting my decision now.
“Okay. Well, if I can’t convince you, then I want to be there for you.” Brad nods slowly. “I don’t want you to think that I’m not here to support you because I am. Anything you need. Anything at all.”
“I want to go,” I reply with a shrug. “My head isn’t in the game now. So, I want to leave. I don’t see much point in me being in the office when my mind is somewhere else. I want to go now.”
“You are going to come back, aren’t you? I don’t want you to leave here forever.”
“This is my job, Brad. Of course, I’m coming back. I just need a bit of time to adjust.”
“Yes, I understand. Sure, you do. You take as long as you like. We will cope.”
A weight lifts off my shoulders as I stand, a little bit of pressure alleviates. Working hasn’t been the distraction I need; it’s been more stress than anything else. I need to get back to Rachel when I can feel a bit of joy.
“You’re back?” Rachel asks questioningly as she opens the door to me. “That’s early.”
“I didn’t want to be there anymore, so I told Brad that I’m going to take a bit of time off.”
“Is that wise? Don’t you think that it’s better to try and keep life as normal as possible?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug and follow her inside. “I don’t know what I need for the best right now.”
As we head in to the living room, there I see another woman sitting on Rachel’s couch. She looks up and catches my eye, giving me a weary smile. I already feel like she doesn’t have much trust for me, and I don’t know why. I’m not the one
who has proven myself untrustworthy in recent times.
“Oh hi.” She extends a hand to me which I shake. “My name is Sheri. I’m Rachel’s best friend.”
“Angelo.” I instantly know that this is someone I need to impress if I want to keep in Rachel’s life. Impressing the best friend is always important. But I don’t have the emotional energy for that right now. “Nice to meet you.”
I take a seat and slump backwards into the couch, allowing my eyes to fall closed for a moment. I just want to block the whole world out, to forget that anyone else exists but me. Me and my pain.
“Do you guys want a coffee?” Rachel asks with an edge to her voice. “It will only take a moment.”
“Sure, thanks,” I reply without opening my eyes. “That sounds great.”
Once I hear her footsteps leave the room, I force my eyes to prize apart to at least be polite. I make myself smile at Sheri, but I don’t get anything back from her. It doesn’t seem like she’s my biggest fan.
“Sorry to hear that you’ve been through a shitty time recently,” she says with only a tiny bit of bite.
“Hmm, yeah, it hasn’t been the best time.” I roll my eyes. “But all I can do is keep moving passed it now.”
“And that’s what you’re going to do? With Rachel?” She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me. “I just want to check that your feelings for her aren’t of the rebound variety. You do actually like her?”
Much as her accusation annoys me, I keep it inside. She’s only trying to protect her friend, which I can’t blame her for. “I have absolutely no intension of hurting Rachel,” I reassure her. “She’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn’t be able to get through any of this without her. I do have strong feelings for her.”
I probably should just tell Sheri that I’m in love with Rachel, but I think the first person I should tell this to is Rachel. I shouldn’t let other people be in our relationship at all. That’s where problems start.
