by Brenda Ford
“Insane for you.” He smiles up at me. “I didn’t think that I could be insane for anyone again, but I am.”
God, I so wish that I could fall for those words. I wish they meant the truth. To Alex, in this moment, they probably do. But I know that they can’t. He is still very much a broken man over this Mandy. The woman who turned his head so hard that his neck almost snapped. The woman who has practically killed him.
Without any more words, I climb into the bed beside him and I wrap an arm around him. If he’s going to be here, then I might as well gain some comfort from him. It is actually nice to have him around beside me, his body warmth heating me up. This should send me to sleep right away, combined with the exhaustion that three AM brings with it, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I should be out cold. But I’m not. Instead, I can’t stop thinking about everything that Alex has said to me. All the stuff about falling in love and us ending up together. It’s a fantasy that I could easily fall in to if I allowed myself to. It doesn’t matter how much I know that I shouldn’t start getting my head any further in to this, I can’t stop. I have no control over it.
If the situation were different and Alex was healthy when we met, not stuck with alcohol and hung up over some other woman, then I could easily fall for him. There’s a big part of me that wants to tumble in to that emotion as it is, despite all the complications surrounding us, so if they weren’t there then I would happily live out my rock boy fantasy. Because with Alex, it isn’t all wild nights, long parties, and steamy sex. I actually like the person he is underneath the mask of alcohol. I enjoy his sweet personality, his good heart, the man that he could be… if he wasn’t struggling, Alex Smith is the man that I could love, that I could bring home to meet my parents, that I could marry and have a family with. Me and him could have it all. The perfect life.
I lean my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat, tears picking behind my eyes as I fall in to that dream. I don’t know if I have ever believed in destiny and ‘the one’ before. It isn’t something that I have thought of. But now, I’m afraid that Alex might really be the man of my dreams, but some woman got to him first and ruined him. Destroyed him and made sure that he couldn’t ever love anyone again. Not even if it’s right.
I didn’t ever want love anyway. That wasn’t in the plan. At least not yet. Not while I’m building up my career. Maybe what I need to think is that this is just a moment in my life, a second to have some blissful fun, but then it will be time to move on and go back to my job. Back to the focus I have always had. Then maybe in the future, the prospect of love will come up again. But at a time that I am ready for it and with a man who is also ready. Love can’t always be enough, I suppose. There are a lot of other things that need make sense as well.
“It’s a shame,” I whisper to a sleeping Alex. My finger traces over his chest as I try not to sob. “A real shame but me and you… well, it isn’t the right time, so we can’t fall. Even if we want to.”
I slide my eyes closed and try to get some sleep, trying not to cry over what could be if things were different. If we could just be in love. It would be wonderful, wouldn’t it? It would be a dream come true. But I’m starting to see that not all dreams can come true, so I need to be satisfied with just enjoying the moment right now.
Chapter Eighteen
Alex
I can feel Freya beside me before I even open my eyes. my dream has become a reality, she is here with me, which makes me smile. Even though I fucked up last night, even though I have a stinking hangover pounding in my head, I am waking up happy. This is going to be a damn fine day.
I barely recall how I ended up in bed with Freya. I’m not totally sure what has brought me here. I do have snippets of memories of me and her talking not long after I left the purple lips behind in the bar, disappointed and screaming profanities at me, but that’s about it. I don’t recall what was said or how it ended, but I can only assume well. She hasn’t kicked me to the curb and told me that she hates me, which is a good sign.
“Morning,” I mutter to her, snuggling in tighter. “You’re still here this time.”
“Still here?” she laughs. “You do realize that you are the one in my bed, right?”
“You haven’t run away. I’m taking that as a win, no matter what you’re saying right now.”
I tilt my head up to look at Freya, to drink in her gorgeous morning appearance. She is more stunning here with her bed head and natural face than I have ever seen her before. She is beautiful, wonderful, everything that I could ever want and more. Right now, she feels like a smart decision, which isn’t normal for me. It frightens me, it makes me want to pull back and head for the hills, and it also makes me want to jump head first in to it. I want to swim in this happiness forever more because it’s such a warm and happy place.
As I catch Freya’s eyes, I wonder if anything will make her run from me. Anything at all. Gary hates my guts as it is, and Rachel would lose her shit and all her sympathy would vanish if she knew what a state that I got myself in to last night. But Freya knows and she’s still here. She’s a rock for me. The one person who has stuck around when no one else bothered. I just need to make sure that I don’t rely too heavily on her.
“You’re glad then?” Freya asks with a smirk. “That I’m still here? That I haven’t run away?”
I shimmy up her body until our noses are touching, the electricity shooting between us. “Yes, I’m glad.”
She rubs her nose against mine a couple of times, her gaze fixed on mine the entire time. Flickers of memories from last night blast in to my brain as we share this moment. I’m immediately aware that there was a lot of conversation about love. From me, I think. Feelings that I never thought I would feel. Yet they are here, the emotions are still swimming violently through me, swallowing me up whole.
Eventually, I cave. I can’t keep away from her any longer. So, I tilt my head ever so slightly to one side, and I press my lips to hers, kissing her gently. I want to kiss her romantically at first, I want her to really feel how much I adore her, how much she means to me, but of course, her gorgeous, sexy as fuck body is beside me, rolling against me, deep in to me, so it soon becomes passionate. So passionate that I can feel myself losing my mind. Freya’s tongue invades my mouth, circling around mine, drawing me in deeper… as if I’m not in deep enough when it comes to Freya. I have fallen quickly, harder than I thought I would, only this time I don’t see how I can end up burned. I really don’t think that Freya will hurt me like Mandy did in the past.
As Freya’s back arches and her breasts press against me, her legs wrapping around mine at the same time, the heat that darts through my body like a lightning bolt sets me on fire.
“Oh, Freya.” I move my lips off hers and take them down her body. “You are everything.”
Having sex first thing in the morning as I wake up isn’t something that I’m used to, or that I usually like, but there is something about this woman that ignites such a flame I can’t control myself. The need to have her is too much and it only intensifies as I slide down her body, kissing her soft, supple skin all over. There isn’t a part of her that I don’t like, that I don’t want to taste. Every so often, my tongue darts out of my mouth to taste the perspiration licking over her skin, and the sweet taste of her is incredible.
I grip on to her ass and hold her in place as my lips and tongue circle around her hips and waist. Freya mews and purrs like a fucking pussy cat as I edge myself ever closer to the waist band of her panties. I watch her fingers curl around the sheets as my mouth kisses over the cotton standing between me and her. She grips to the bed like it’s the only thing connecting her to the planet as I send her head spinning off in to space.
“Fuck, Alex,” she gasps out as my teeth nip the underneath of her underwear, the part of her that’s connected to her most sensitive area. I tug the material down, enjoying the way that her thighs tense up and buckle as her panties graze over her skin. Every part of her is on fire, flames
lick all over her, and that’s because of me. I love it. I love the clear clarity of her desire as I yank the panties off her body, and I toss them to the floor.
“Oh God,” I groan as my eyes dart up her parted thighs to see her sex crying out for me. She’s dripping with need, soaking with desire, pulling me back up towards her like a fucking magnet. How can I resist?
I grip Freya’s thighs and part them further so I can have full access to her when I finally get to touch her. My heart thunders against my rib cage as I circle my finger around her clit, just a little bit, then I plunge it in to her. Freya’s back arches. A scream vibrates in her chest, her hips flip off the bed, which causes me to plunge yet another finger in to her. I love the sight of her bucking and writhing, yelling out with sheer bliss.
My lips edge in closer, I’m pulled towards her naturally, and I gently kiss her clit. The sensation of my lips against her makes her yell out once more. This sound is different though. It’s guttural, deep from within her, delicious to my ears. It makes me move faster, more frantically, all over her. The mission to coax the pleasure from her becomes all of me. It’s the only thing I can think of. I grip her hips, her ass, as my mouth explores her. My tongue, my teeth, my lips, they all devour her at once, creating a buzz all the way through her.
“I love you,” I whisper into her as I pull my tongue away for just a split second. “I do.”
I say it so quietly that she can’t hear me. I don’t think that I want her to hear me to be honest, it’s best for her not to know. It only complicates things for so many reasons. It’s also not wise for me to fall so fast, so hard again, yet I just want to say it so that a part of her knows. Even if it’s just her clit.
Then once the words are out there in the world, I can’t stop. I hold her in place while I use my mouth to fully tip her over the edge. I can tell that she’s like a steam train chugging towards the station, and my tongue is the steam, continually pushing her there, determining the speed at which she reaches the peak.
“Alex!” Freya screams my name the loudest that I have ever heard her yell as I shove her over the edge, and she falls in to the abyss. “Oh, Alex! Alex.” She tugs on my hair, trying to shove me off of her because it gets too much, but she ends up tugging me back again because she wants it. “Alex, I… I… Oh God, I…”
I so want to hear where that sentence is going. I want to know if the pleasure is making her express those feelings just like me, but I don’t get to. Instead, the words become endless screams of pleasure as the orgasm shatters through her. I just have to be satisfied with driving her wild, making her lose her mind.
Eventually the shuddering slows to a stop and I can tell from her ragged breaths that the post orgasmic bliss is circling through her. I move up her, kissing the parts of her body that I think I might have missed on the way down, moaning with pleasure as my mouth touches her. She’s even better to taste now because of the sweat slicked over her skin. Ever part of her I taste has my cock harder, needier, throbbing. I can barely stand to wait once I reach her core, it kills me to have to scrabble around for a condom, but the last thing we need is any crazy little accidents to make this even more complex. I tear the latex from the wrapper and roll it down to cover myself while Freya does what she can to get her breath back. She reaches out for me, wanting to touch me, needing to have me. Her impatience makes it even harder for me not to lose my damn mind already.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper as I lean back down on to her. “Gorgeous.”
My lips crash with hers and my hands knot up in her hair as I bury myself deep inside of her. I press every inch of my body against hers, wanting to connect us in every single way as her wetness surrounds me. Her hips rise rapidly off the bed to meet every single thrust of mine, but that still doesn’t seem to be enough. She wants more. She grabs my shoulders and starts to roll, bringing me with her until I’m the one on my back, gazing up at her beauty. Freya straddles her legs over me, pushing herself in to a sitting position, and she angles herself so every inch of me is inside of her glorious body. With her eyes on mine, she presses her hands to my chest and rides me hard and fast, taking complete control of my body and the way that it meshes with hers.
“Fuck,” I groan, my head tilting backwards, my neck lolling to one side with desire. “Freya, you are too much.”
She has no idea how much she is unraveling me, how much of me is tearing apart because of her in the best way possible. This is the woman who will change me, who will bring me back to what I once was, who will stop me from screwing up my life, I just know it. She is the one in so many ways, which is the one thought crashing through my brain as I erupt like a volcano, exploding with pleasure deep inside of her, setting everything free.
Clinging to Freya, having her swallow up my cries of bliss as they leave me, her holding me like I am precious to her… it’s everything to me. I know for sure that I need to be a better man now, that I can’t slip up again, because I can’t push Freya away. If I lose her, then I will lose myself. Possibly for good.
Chapter Nineteen
Freya
Tonight I wanted to kiss Alex before he went out on stage after me. It nearly killed me that I couldn’t. But too many eyes upon us and the silent understanding that we need to keep things between us for the time being, stopped me from doing so. It prevented me from grabbing him and holding him in my arms just for a second… and now I kinda wish that hadn’t happened. I wish I had kissed him because at least then I would have known what was to come. I don’t know what I could have done about it, but at least I wouldn’t be so helpless now. Just standing on the side of the stage watching him crumble and fall apart. Watching Blood Red Masters Fail.
“Fucking hell,” Hank growls beside me, almost as if he isn’t even aware that I’m here anymore. “For fuck sake. What the hell is Alex doing? Why is he getting drunk yet again? I thought he was okay again.”
As I watch Alex stagger forwards, struggling to even remain on his feet while he plays, I realize that I thought the same. I have tried to convince myself otherwise, I have tried to be smart and tell myself that I can be there for this man but never fall for him because of his demons and addiction… yet I have been falling the whole time.
Two days ago, when he woke up in bed with me after going on a bender, I thought that I could see something new in him. I assumed that the messes such as this one was going to be behind him, that the booze would slowly stop being an issue because he was happy now. I naively assumed that we were going to be happy together…
But the sad thing is I need to accept that I’m not enough. I’m not ever going to be enough and I never was. Just because we have slept together a couple of times and we have this wonderful bond; doesn’t mean I need to get lost in the idea of a happy ever after. Of course it isn’t going to be a happy ever after, I know that. So, why have I allowed myself to slip into the place that I told myself not to?
I fold my arms across my chest and bite back tears, hating myself for not helping Alex. For not making him happy, even during the time that we have been together. I selfishly had to add sex into the mix, and now… well, now as I watch him losing everything that he wants, all that he’s worked so hard for, die, I want to weep.
“We have the fucking after party tonight.” Hank bangs his palm to his forehead. “With industry people around. Why can’t Alex give me a Goddamn break already? He wants me to lose my shit.”
I know about the party, I have been excited about the party and all the people that I will get to meet, but now all I can think about is the disaster it will become. With Alex drunk and acting the fool, being as rude as he likes because of the booze in his system, it’s going to be a nightmare. Hank can’t tell him not to be there either, can he? Not unless he wants to explain. As the front man, people will want to see him, to talk to him, to discuss everything to do with the band and their future. Even if Gary is more in charge, Alex is the face.
What can I do? I feel like I want to help somehow. I want to mak
e sure that I can at least be useful to Alex, even if I haven’t done much to support him this far. There must be something that won’t back fire…
“Can we try and sober him up?” I ask quietly, reminding Hank that I’m here. “Will that work?”
“I don’t see what fucking choice we have. Although I don’t know how can you sober someone up? He won’t have time for sleep, and I know that isn’t the best plan anyway because when Alex passes out you can’t get him back up again, so coffee? Would coffee work?” I start to shrug because I have absolutely no idea, but then I nod quickly. It’s obvious to me that Hank just needs an answer right now. A solution in the making. “Good, coffee it is. You’re close with Alex, aren’t you? Like you guys are friends now, right?” I nod, unsure how I would even begin to categorize what we are. “Do you think you could get some coffee in him as soon as the show is over? Then while you are doing that, I can get things set up and stall people a bit. Give you some time.”
“Sure,” I rasp, secretly praying that anything I do will be effective. “I can do that.”
“Probably not what you thought you would end up doing when you came on tour with us, huh?” Hank continues wryly. “I will have to make sure that Nathan knows what a super star you have been.”
Nathan… that’s someone who hasn’t been in touch for a while. Probably because he hasn’t done anything to get me out of the contract with Blood Red Masters… not that I’m keen to go now. I wonder what he will think if Hank does call him about this. He hasn’t got a damn clue what this tour has been like. I almost can’t wait to get back and fill him in on all of the details… or at least most of the details anyway. I don’t know if I will be sharing the graphic information of me and Alex hooking up. He’ll be shocked… either that or he will want me to write a biography about my experiences. Who the hell knows? With Nathan, it could be anything.
