by Brenda Ford
Although the only problem with being able to concentrate, without having the warmth of comforting lust to make me care much less about how wrong my thoughts are… well, is that it makes me have to accept how wrong my thoughts are! Nelson might be good looking, but he’s young. Barely even an adult. Even if he is interested in me, it’s only a fantasy thing. He certainly won’t want me for long term. Having some fun is fine, I’m not against that at all, but if I’m going to have fun with anyone, I can do it with the men off the apps. I have a lot of messages from the dating sites that Rosie convinced me to sign for, but I haven’t yet worked up the confidence to message any of them back. Or perhaps I just don’t want to…
I shouldn’t focus on the bad dates that I have had in the past. Men who aren’t interested in me as much as they are in themselves, guys who turn out to be married and scum bags, boring people who I just don’t connect with on any level… much as it won’t always be bad, it’s hard for me to not focus on them.
“Just stop it,” I tell myself quietly as I rise to my feet and smooth my hair down, trying to look normal. I mean, I have another class coming in at a moment and I want to appear okay. “No more.”
I pull a mirror out of my bag and take a glance at myself. A critical one where I examine everything. Aside from the flush in my red cheeks, I look pretty normal. Especially for a woman who has just touched herself over one of her students. God, I hate thinking of myself like that. That isn’t me.
Bleep, bleep.
I almost leap in the air as my cell phone blasts out, the feeling of intense guilt crushing me as I realize how wrong everything that just happened is. If the dean of this school found out I would lose my job. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that this message is going to be bad news. A threat from someone who has seen me…
“Oh my God,” I clap my hand to my mouth in shock as I see the name on my cell phone screen. One that I haven’t seen in a very long time and that I only keep stored in my contacts so I know who it is. His name is there on the screen.
Lux: Long time no see. But I guess that makes sense because I’ve been locked up for the last decade or so… I don’t know how long. Time moves at a different pace in jail. Now, we have a lot to talk about…
His message is enough to send me back a decade or so… twelve years to be exact, which of course he knows. Back to being the woman who was so scared that she didn’t even go to the police even when four bones in her body were broken. All that simply to keep her daughter safe and keeping her away from Lux.
I gasp loudly and drop my cell phone to a clatter on the floor. I didn’t even know this time was coming, I’m not prepared at all. Now, Lux is out of jail at last and probably going to come for me…
Lux: Don’t think that you can get away with not talking to me because it doesn’t work like that. You can’t avoid me. Not when we share a child. You might not even have anything to worry about. I could be a changed man…
My first instinct is to scoff at the idea of him changing because I can’t ever see that happening, but it has been a long time and people do change in jail. They wouldn’t have let him out if he hadn’t proven himself okay. Much as it scares the living shit out of me, I owe it to Rosie to at least meet with him to check it out. To see…
Amelia: Fine, I will meet with you but I’m making no promises.
Lux: You don’t need to promise me anything, baby girl. At least not yet.
Chapter Three
Nelson
Come on, come on, come on! I think impatiently as my feet tap angrily on the floor. Where are you?
Amelia is late. Sure, we don’t have a date or anything, we never do, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have an unspoken agreement where we meet at our bedroom windows every day at half past eight so that I can watch her get changed. It started happening earlier in the year, a few months after my eighteenth birthday when I noticed her getting dressed for the first time, when that sexy as fuck body of hers first affected me deeply. The girls in my class had been asking me out for ages, but they just didn’t have that… spark. I wasn’t even sure what I was looking out for. Until that day when I saw her. My whole body set alight, every part of me burst into flames, and as I perched on the edge of my bed, slack-jawed and hard as a rock, I knew that I had found it. What I wanted.
After that I couldn’t resist watching her again. Then another time, and I know that she knew it. So, every single day at exactly the same time when she began getting changed, I just had to watch. I needed to.
And since then nothing has changed. Not until today, when the time is half past nine and still she isn’t there. It’s odd.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I roll my eyes already knowing who’s going to be on the other end of the phone before I pick up. It doesn’t take a genius. After all, it’s the night of the party and cheer leader Tami wants me there.
“Yes?” I snap, unable to keep the irritation from my tone. I honestly wish that my class wasn’t so friendly that we all have one another’s cell phone numbers. It’s so annoying.
“Nelson?” I can barely hear Tami over the roar of the party behind her. Wherever they got that keg from – and they always get a keg of beer from somewhere – it’s almost done and doing its damage. I have been to enough high school parties to be able to picture the scene and it isn’t one that appeals to me. “Where are you?”
“Out,” I bark back. She knows where I live, and I don’t want her coming to my house.
“Out where?” she whines. “You aren’t at the party. We are missing you a lot. I thought you said that you were coming. We’re all missing you. Someone is playing spin the bottle and I want to kiss you.”
Urgh, spin the fucking bottle. What the hell is that about? “Sounds good but I’m busy.”
“Nelson, why are you always playing so hard to get? You know that I want you. It was all cute at first, it made me want you more, but now I’m getting frustrated. Just give it up, will you?”
“Okay, look, Tami, I have something more important going on at the moment. If I come to the party later on, then so be it. But if not, I don’t want to be dealing with phone calls from you all night long.”
“You’re teetering on being an asshole now. Just come, Nelson. This is your last chance.”
I hang up the phone without listening to the rest of her sentence and stare at the window once more. Not even one percent I want to go to that party. Girls my age just don’t appeal to me in the same way. I don’t think they ever will do. Now, I just need to work out why Amelia isn’t at her window already…
I guess she could be freaking out about me and her. I mean, she must know that the closer I get to the graduation, the nearer it will get when me and her can hook up at last. She has to know this chemistry between us isn’t a game and that it will explode into something exciting and new. I suppose the fantasy becoming a reality might be a bit much for her. I don’t want her to freak out though, she doesn’t need to be scared. It will be the most natural and beautiful thing in the world. Maybe I should reassure her of that…
“Oh my God, are you for real?” I scold myself. “You’re turning this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. So, Amelia isn’t in tonight. So you don’t get to watch her change, that doesn’t mean it’s time to make any crazy irrational decisions like going over there and talking to her.”
We don’t have that kind of relationship at home. I might watch her change, but we don’t go for tea at one another’s houses. We don’t talk over the garden fence, aside from saying ‘hi’. Sure, Oliver and Rosie are great friends, but that doesn’t spill over into the rest of us. We’re neighbors, nothing more.
“Go to the party,” I tell myself, trying to distract from the craziness in my mind. “You don’t have to have sex with anyone. You don’t even have to talk to anyone. Just drink and have a good time.”
I could. I definitely should, yet I don’t. I don’t move from where I am. I continue frozen to the spot and just
staring at the window like I’m a fucking stalker or something. What the hell is my problem? Is that what I have become? A stalker so obsessed with my English teacher that I don’t have a life of my own anymore. Oh God, I’m only eighteen years of age. Is this just fucking tragic? I rake my fingers angrily through my hair as I consider this.
“I need to get out.” I grab the nearest pair of jeans and tug them on my body. “Now.”
My head is all over the place, my mind racing, all with thoughts of Amelia. Much as I want her to be mine at the very first opportunity, if she isn’t as interested in me as I think she is, if it’s something that I have made up in my mind, then I need to consider what I will do. There for sure aren’t any girls here that I’m interested in, but maybe when I go to college… oh, college. Just another issue that I haven’t sorted out yet!
Admittedly, when it comes to my future, I have been burying my head in the sand. But not for all the same reasons as other kids my age. A lot are freaked out because they aren’t going to be able to do what their parents want for them. They haven’t been provisionally accepted – dependent on the grades they get in their finals – into anywhere good. A lot of them are being forced to make other plans before their mom and dad find out.
Others are annoyed that they are being pushed in a direction that they don’t want. Their grades in certain subjects are very good, but it isn’t where their passion lies, so they are in a head verses heart dilemma.
Well, not me. I have been provisionally been accepted into all of my choices, and my grades are already on the right track for everything to go my way. I have been lucky enough to get what I want… but I don’t know which one to choose. I don’t know where in the country I will be happiest. Do I want to be near so I can come and visit my brothers – and Amelia, if everything goes to plan – whenever I want. Or do I go far and have some new experiences. See a different side of life. I just can’t decide and it’s killing me.
“You need to make your mind up soon,” I remind myself for what feels like the hundredth time. “Or all the spots on the best writing courses will be gone and you’ll be left with absolutely nothing.”
But even that thought isn’t enough to keep me inside to make some choices. Right now, I’m going out to the party which doesn’t interest me at all. What fucking fun. Of all the choices that I have, this is the worst.
I stroll down the path outside our home, my hands shoved in my pocket, trying to maintain an air of cool, but it doesn’t really work because my eyes keep darting over to her house. I keep wanting Amelia to just pop out already so I can check to see how she’s doing. I just need to know that she’s okay.
What’s that? All of a sudden a flash of light from the kitchen catches my eyes. So, she is in but not coming to see me. I desperately need to know why. I don’t even realize what direction my legs are headed until it’s too late and I’m right outside of Amelia’s door, banging on it like there’s no tomorrow.
Shit, what am I even going to say? What excuse can I give for being here? I can’t exactly ask why she isn’t giving me a little strip show, can I? Do I ask for a pot of sugar like the old cliché? No, she knows my brother Brad well enough to know that he’s anal about things. Just a short meeting is enough for that! So, it will have to be something school related. I need to figure out what I could ask about class. If only I spent more time actually listening to what is being said rather than focusing on watching her…
My heart leaps up into my throat as the door opens just a crack. I freak the fuck out, panic all but consuming me as I wonder if I have lost my damn mind. I’m so impatient, I can’t wait until I graduate…
“Oh, Nelson.” It’s Rosie, which makes everything sink and deflate. “Everything okay?”
“Er, is Am… Miss Clark in?” My eyes hit the floor as I feel my face flame. “I just need to ask her something.”
“She isn’t in right now.” Rosie’s eyes dart behind her. “I don’t know where she is actually. It’s weird. She always tells me where she is, but not today.” She shrugs and smiles. “Maybe a date or something.”
A date? A fucking date? Is this for real? There is no way in hell that she can be on a date right now. I will lose my damn mind. She wants me, she’s supposed to be mine. She can’t be out on a damn date so close to the time that me and her might actually have a chance. It doesn’t work that way.
“Are you okay?” As soon as Rosie asks me this, I realize that I’m clinging on to my chest like a freaking nutter. If I don’t straighten myself up soon, she’s going to realize what is going on and I wouldn’t put it passed Rosie to rip my fucking head off. “You look a little weird. Should I get Oliver or something?”
“Oh, I’m just going to head back home.” I point behind myself and back away. “I don’t feel great. That was er, actually why I wanted to see Miss Clark. For a home work extension.”
“I will pass on the message for you…”
“No, don’t!” We don’t have any home work at the moment. She will know that something is up. “It’s fine, I will just see her in school about it. I probably shouldn’t discuss school work out of class anyway, so…”
“Sure, sure whatever.” Rosie rolls her eyes. “See you later, Nelson, you crazy fool.”
“Yeah, see you, Rosie. I will… and tell Oliver that you said hi.”
As she shuts the door behind her, I find myself at a cross roads, but it isn’t hard to pick a direction at all. Home, obviously. There’s no way in hell that I will be able to go to the party now. Luckily, I didn’t want to anyway.
Chapter Four
Amelia
“Well, well, well,” Lux drawls in what I’m sure he thinks is a charming voice. “Long time no see. You look good, babe. Shit, I expected you to look old as fuck since you refused to visit me inside, except when the lawyers forced you to when that bullshit divorce went through. But no, you look good, baby girl.”
Urgh, those words ‘baby girl’. They might sound like a cute nick name, but he uses them to demoralize me and make me feel small. The sad thing is it still works even after all this time apart. I’m fearful, like I’m walking on egg shells, just waiting for him to flip out and hit me once more.
“Aren’t you even going to say thank you?” he mocks with an annoying laugh. “Or compliment me?”
“I… you don’t look any different,” I practically whisper. “Jail hasn’t been hard on you.”
Instantly I can tell by his body language that it was the wrong thing to say. His shoulders roll upwards, his nostrils flare, his eyes glass over and he gets a redness to his cheeks. I don’t know who he’s trying to convince that he’s changed, but it isn’t working for me. I can clearly see him in there.
“It wasn’t a fucking walk in the park, you know? I was in there for twelve Goddamn years and everyone who was supposed to support me, turned their backs on me. Including my fucking wife. That bitch divorced me. After putting me in jail, she tossed me aside like I was a piece of shit which meant nothing.”
“I didn’t put you in jail,” I remind him. “I can see why you’re confused because I could have but I didn’t.”
He freezes, the cogs in his brain spinning wildly. This is exactly why Lux should not have been freed. He can’t even remember what he did wrong, he has no idea why he was locked away. How can a man who kills two people in a car accident because he was wasted behind the wheel not careful enough to even remember the people he killed? And still be considered to walk free? That makes no sense.
Marie and Patrick Clayton. Twenty year old newly-weds, on the way to the airport for an early flight for their honeymoon, got caught in the path of fucking Lux who was on his way back from a casino, pissed off completely because he’d lost a fortune and wasted because he couldn’t gamble without drinking. He was always at the casino and whatever happened there would dictate the next few days of my life… these were going to be bad ones.
I remember their names well, and their faces. Her red hair and smattering of freckles acr
oss her nose. Those green eyes and wide smile of his. Such a sweet lovely couple. Destined to be happy ever after. They haunt me and it wasn’t even me in the car, yet Lux doesn’t even know what he has done.
That car crash ruined me. When it happened, I shouldered the blame for allowing him to go out that night, not that I could have done anything to stop him. I was upset that my husband could have done that. It was awful… but it was also the freedom that I needed from him. If that hadn’t happened, we would have stayed together until he’d eventually beat me to death, leaving Rosie with no parents at all. That would have been terrible too.
But I’m not free now. I am a bit; I suppose because we aren’t married anymore and there is no chance in hell for us ever getting back together. But with him out of jail, I can’t relax. I won’t ever be able to again.
“Look, Lux.” I sigh loudly. “Why don’t we just get down to business? What are you doing here?”
He reaches across the table and tries to take my hand in his. Lux has the audacity to actually look shocked when I snatch it away. Does he honestly believe that I will ever allow him to touch me again?
“Why are you acting like that, baby girl?” An ice cold shiver races down my spine. “I know that things got a little… heated in the past, but like I said, I have changed now. Prison made me a better person.”
“Heated?” I sneer. “If you’re this better person now all of a sudden then at least be honest about what it was like. Heated is when there are raised voices and a lot of yelling. This wasn’t heated, this was you putting me in the hospital all the time, my body covered in bruises, fearing for my life.”
He glares at me, not liking any argument coming back from me. I must be the one that has changed because I could never stand up for myself before. At least we’re in a public place so he can’t lash out at me… not that it has always stopped him in the past. Once he smashed my face on the side walk after a drunken row. Another time, he punched me at a bus stop. Both times, everyone else was too scared to get involved to help me.
