by Brenda Ford
“That’s because you haven’t ever been in love before. Love makes you do crazy things.”
“Love?” I want to scoff, but again, Brad has hit the nail on the head. “I don’t know much about love…”
“Which one is it?” he demands. “I think that I know the answer to this already, but which one is it?”
I hang my head low. I don’t want to get in to this conversation, but it seems like Brad is going to drag it out of me regardless. It did feel good to talk to him before, but I don’t know about now.
“I slept with Ellie,” I admit. “I went to clear my head after work yesterday, like you told me to, and I walked in to this random coffee shop where she was working. Behind the counter. It was weird like something had brought us together. And I remember what you said to me about having a closure chat, so I started that. I asked her to meet me after she finished work, which she agreed to. We agreed to basically just be friends. Sort of. I don’t think any of us really thought that was going to work, I assumed we would go our separate ways, but that was how we left it. Well, until I walked her home and we ended up kissing… then having sex.”
“Wow.” Brad sits back and stares at me in shock. “I can’t believe that. You must have some serious chemistry if you can’t keep away from one another like that. It must be pretty intense.”
“That isn’t really the point though, is it?” I shoot back wryly. “It shouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t matter how much I like her or how much chemistry there is.” Although even the thought of the chemistry sends a shiver tearing down my spine. “She’s still too young for me, and Rosie wouldn’t like it.”
“But if Rosie really cares about you and her, then she ultimately won’t mind. It might hurt her for a bit, but I don’t think she will care forever. In fact, it will probably give her the closure that she should find someone else.”
“That seems a bit cruel, Brad. Do you really think that’s the best way to do things?”
He pauses thoughtfully for a moment before answering me. “You know what I think? That our parents passed away at thirty five years old. They didn’t know that car crash was coming, but it did regardless. They left behind six children on top of everything else. But they left this planet with love. It isn’t great and it was far too young for them to go, but they had each other.” I don’t know what he’s getting at here but I’m more than prepared to listen. “They were clear evidence that life is too short. Life can end at any time. Do you really think that you should hold back on anything with the example that they set for you?”
“Are you basically telling me to go for it?” I ask wryly. “Because I don’t know what sort of advice that is.”
“What, be happy? That’s the best advice ever. Follow your heart, do what feels right.”
God, all those words sound so good. So good. But it’s idealistic. People can’t just do what they want all the time without considering the feelings of other people. Everyone would be hurt all the time. Yes, I know that our parents died young, and life is definitely too short, but this seems like a step too far.
“I don’t know, Brad. I will have to think about it, to be honest. I need to start thinking with my brain rather than… well, my body. Because sleeping with Ellie without any clear cut knowledge of where we’re going to end up, definitely wasn’t thinking with my brain.”
“You went with your gut.” Brad shrugs as if that’s obvious. “That’s okay as well.”
I take those words with me as I wash up my dish. I think about how good it feels to go with my gut, but I don’t think I will be able to just go in a care free manner again. I know now what I should have done is had a discussion with Ellie this morning before I left, but she was in such a rush to get to work that we didn’t have time. I should have made time because now we’re in a worse situation that before. Now neither of us know what we’re doing. I will have to schedule in some time to think with my head and ignore my body. I will have to fight every instinct inside of me. Maybe the best way to do that is to try and speak to Rosie again first. If I can straighten things out with her before I see Ellie, then it may well be easier…
Either that or I’m just hoping for the best, something that’s never going to happen.
Am I really doing this again? I think to myself as I stand outside of Rosie’s home, trying to work up the courage to speak to her. No, don’t bottle out. This is something that I need to do…
I force myself to knock, because that’s what the right thing to do is, and I wait. I rock back and forth on my heels, trying my hardest to think about everything that Brad told me, so I don’t run…
“Oh, Oliver.” It’s Amelia. Rosie’s mom who answers the door. I stiffen up, expecting a barrage of abuse from her for what I’ve caused, but she looks at me like she always does. I don’t think she knows. She wouldn’t be able to hide it if she did know. Even if she didn’t blame me, I would see it on her face. “Why are you knocking? You can just come in, don’t you? How are you? It feels like a long time since I have seen you properly.”
“Er, yes I’m okay. How are things with you? Sorry it’s been a long time.”
“I’m okay. I’ve been keeping busy, you know,” she replies. “Keeping on top of things. A lot of family drama.”
“Yes, I know. I can imagine that it’s been a crazy time for you. You’re handling it well though.”
“Well, it’s nice to have family around. Seth has been great.”
She makes me a cup of tea, and I take a seat to wait for it, wondering where the hell Rosie is. I can’t even hear her banging around upstairs, but her car is outside so I’m sure she must be in. She’s probably listening, trying to hear what is being said. Right now, it’s just small talk so she won’t be getting much.
Come down, I think desperately, glancing my eyes upwards. Please, Rosie. Speak to me.
Eventually, after I have had most of the tea, I pop the question. “Is Rosie in? I just wanted to chat…”
“She’s upstairs.” Amelia looks nervous as she darts her eyes upwards. “She did say that she didn’t want to be talked to, but I’m sure that doesn’t include you. I’m certain she will like to see you.”
Huh, she really doesn’t know what’s going on, does she? If she did, she would understand that the one person Rosie probably meant by that statement was me. But I’m going to play dumb and hope that Rosie is more receptive because she clearly doesn’t want her mother to find out about anything.
“Right, well I’m going upstairs.” I smile thinly. “I will see you in a while. Thank you for the tea, Amelia.”
She grins at me like I’m not the person who has torn her family apart which makes me feel guilty as hell. I try my hardest to swallow it down, but it doesn’t go anywhere. It keeps me on my toes as I walk up towards my doom. This is like a real freaking death march and it’s making me anxious.
“Rosie?” I say quietly through the door before I knock. “Are you in there?”
“Is that Oliver?” she snaps back, not keeping her anger locked away. “What the hell are you doing here?”
She doesn’t open the door which is definitely not an invitation to come inside, so I lean against the wood and try to quietly carry on this conversation from where I am. “I just want to talk to you, Rosie.”
“I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to talk to you. Didn’t I slam the door in your face before?”
“You did… but I thought that you might have calmed down now. I thought you might want to talk…”
“No, I don’t.” God, she’s angry. She’s hurt and I feel terrible. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Rosie. I do feel bad.” I sigh loudly. “I respect and love our friendship so much and I don’t want to lose it over this. I really don’t. We’ve been through too much together.”
“Yes, we have,” she says sharply. “But me confessing my feelings to you and getting rejected is too much.”
“Do you really fe
el anything for me though, Rosie, or is it just because you’re getting over the break up?”
As soon as I say those words, I wish I could grab them and stuff them back in to my mouth. They came from my gut again which I don’t think is the best idea. I might have to start seriously ignoring that sensation.
The bedroom door swings open but much to my surprise, she doesn’t punch me.
“I don’t know,” she admits quietly instead. “Maybe, I’m not sure. I’ve been wondering that myself. Because you are the complete opposite to Tristan, and the sort of guy that I should be with. But our friendship…”
I nod with relief. “Exactly. Our friendship is too good to give up, isn’t it?”
I actually think that we might be getting somewhere, that this conversation is going to turn out exactly as I want it to, but before that moment hits me fully, she shocks me by saying something else.
“I want to be friends with you, but you will need to stay away from Ellie. That is much too weird for me.”
Everything that rose only a moment ago, sinks hard. “You… you want me to stay away from Ellie?”
“Yes!” she exclaims like it should be obvious. “Of course you can’t be with her. She’s much too young and she’s my cousin too. I can’t stand it. I want you to just keep away from her which will be easy because she’s gone…” Her words trail off when she sees the stunned expression on my face. “Oh my God, you don’t want to keep away from her, do you? You probably haven’t stayed away from her at all. You want to be with her…”
“Is that not okay?” I risk asking cautiously.
I know that the fireworks are coming, but it’s still a surprise when they do.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Ellie
“Ellie?” Seth yells. “Ellie! There is someone at the door. Can’t you hear that?”
“I’m actually making dinner, Seth,” I cry back. “Can’t you answer it?”
But he says nothing. He doesn’t even give me a grunt, so with a tut and a huff I stomp over to the door. As I go a little part of me hopes that it’s Oliver because I just want to see him again, and it isn’t like he doesn’t know where I live now, but I’m nervous about him being around my brother in a new capacity.
It will be fine; I try to convince myself. We will find a way to make it work somehow.
With a giant smile on my face, I swing the door open with a bright smile prepared on my face, but it soon falls away when I see a very unwelcome face looking at me. One I didn’t think I would ever see again.
“D… dad…” I can’t believe this. It’s like the foundation of my life has been ripped away. I might not have seen this man since I was a child, but it doesn’t change the impact that he can always have on me. He gives me a giant spike of fear that I can’t shut down however much I want to. “What… what are you doing here?”
“Oh, come off it, Ellie. You don’t need to always be so stuck up.” He chuckles and pats me on the arm as if we’re old buddies. “You’ve always been the same, you. But I’m here to see you, of course. You and my boy. Where is he anyway?” He pushes passed me, the scent of booze nearly knocking me off my feet. It seems like the years apart haven’t dragged him away from the bar. “Seth? Sethy boy? Where are you?”
I’m so stunned that I can’t move. I can’t even think. This is just too mental. How the hell has my father found us? What does he want? He isn’t the sort of person that comes in to anyone’s lives without a purpose. I learned that from a very young age. He always wanted something from my mom…
Mom! All of a sudden it hits me. If he’s found us here, then he must know that she’s died. That makes my blood run icy cold. Now, he wants something from me and Seth which is terrifying because I don’t know what he’s willing to do to make whatever he wants to happen. I don’t know how we will fight him off.
Shit, he’s with Seth. I snap out of my shock and realize that right now he might be in the other room poisoning my impressionable young brother’s mind. Seth won’t remember him from back then, so I need to intervene. I run in to the front room, wanting to put a stop to this without worrying Seth. This is his only parent left and I can’t create a stressful situation around this. I need to be calm however much I want to freak the hell out.
“Dad, how are you? Look at this,” Seth screams excitedly. “I made it at school. Isn’t it cool?”
“Oh yeah.” Seth doesn’t notice the sarcasm in Dad’s voice, but I do. I don’t get what my mother ever saw in him. She was always a smart and very independent woman. It must be like Rosie said, the Clark girls are attracted to assholes. My mom, Rosie’s dad is also bad, Tristan, and Oliver… although Oliver isn’t bad. He’s the sweetest guy ever, he just comes with a lot of complications. “Yeah, son, that’s great.”
“So, are you staying, Dad?” He looks far too hopeful for my liking. “Now that Mom has died and we aren’t with Auntie Amelia anymore, are you going to come and live with us?”
“Urgh, Amelia.” Dad screws up his nose in disgust. I’m sure that he doesn’t like Auntie Amelia because she has called him out on his bullshit. It’s always easier to see someone else’s bad choices than your own.
“Dad doesn’t need to live here,” I jump in before he can slag off my amazing family member more. “I’m an adult now. You don’t need anyone else but me. Me and you are going to be fine.”
Seth cocks his head to one side and gives me a curious look. “But Dad is here now. We don’t need to worry.”
Oh God, if only he knew the truth. That now we need to worry more than ever. But I grit my teeth together and try to smile. “Dad, would you like a coffee or something to drink?” Anything to sober up.
“Do you have anything stronger?” he predictably replies. “If not, then coffee is fine.”
I probably shouldn’t have offered a drink because now I need to go in the kitchen and leave Dad alone with Seth a little more, but if I don’t get my head in order and work out what to do then I might explode.
“Damn it,” I mutter when I realize that I left my cell phone in the other room. Now, I can’t even message Auntie Amelia or anyone without seeming suspicious. I’ll have to try that at some point. She seems to have a lot more experience with him than I do. I want her to come and get rid of him already. His presence is making me awkward and uncomfortable in my own home, which is a feeling that no one should ever have to experience.
The coffee pot heats up until finally I can pour the drinks. By the time I return in to the living room, Dad is rough housing with Seth as if he has always been around. As if he’s father of the God damn year. This isn’t good.
“Coffee,” I spit out through my teeth gritted so tightly together they are practically wearing down. “Dad.”
“Oh yeah, just shove it down.” He knocks Seth to the ground too hard for my liking. “We’re playing here.”
Shove it down? What the hell? I slam it on the side and watch them, growing increasingly angry by the moment. The only saving grace is that it’s late so soon I can get Seth to bed and away from this asshole once and for all. Whatever he wants with us, he can speak to me about it. Not that he’s likely to get far…
“Right, Seth, you really do need to go to bed now,” I declare for what feels like the hundredth time. “We can’t put it off any longer. You have school in the morning, and I don’t want you tired.”
“But I’m not tired,” he moans. “I want to stay up and talk to Dad some more. The teacher will understand.”
“No,” I shoot back more firmly. “When I tell you to go to bed, Seth, you have to do it.”
“See what I mean?” Dad sneers nastily. “You have turned just like your mother. Not a good look.”
Seth clearly doesn’t understand the weight attached to this sentence because he laughs along with Dad. I can’t blame him, he’s too young to really get any of it, but it does irritate me more about Dad. How dare he come back here and try and change his son’s opinion of the woman who stuck around to raise him. Who only
left him because she passed away, not because she actually wanted to. He is the worst of the worst.
“Seth, this is non-negotiable. You are going to bed right now.” I don’t mean to shout, but it just comes out.
Seth appears shell shocked which isn’t what I want, but he does stand up and start walking to his room, so I suppose it has the desired effect. I don’t even look at my father as I follow my brother, I can’t even stand to see him. I want him to just up and fucking leave right now, but I doubt I will get so lucky.
“Sorry, Seth.” I rub his back gently. “I didn’t mean to yell; I just want to keep to the routine.”
“It shouldn’t have to be the same when Dad is here,” he grumbles. “We don’t know when he’ll come again.”
That stings because I have a lot of sympathy for Seth, but if it were up to me, he wouldn’t come back again. He would leave this house and never return, getting out of our lives forever more.
Seth climbs into bed and I sit beside him for a moment, stroking his forehead. “Me and you will be okay, you do know that, right? We’ve gotten this far, and we can get through anything else.”
“You are good at looking after me,” he insists. “I just miss having more family.”
Tears ball up behind my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. “Me too, Seth. Me too. Now, you better get some sleep. I will come and check on you before I go to bed, okay? Love you, baby bro.”
His eyes are already closing. Thankfully, Dad has tired him out, so he’s about to drift off instantly. That’s good because I honestly have no idea what the hell is going to happen now. It could get messy.
“Love you too,” he murmurs, probably with his last breath before he hits dream land.
I lean against the door frame and smile at Seth, so glad that he’s actually doing pretty well here. Despite everything he’s making it through with some real strength. Now I need to make sure that Dad doesn’t ruin him.
I turn to walk towards my father, knowing that I need to just face him now. I find him lying across my couch with his muddy boots on the fabric. He’s trying his hardest to get a rise out of me and I need to not react. If I give him what he wants, then he wins. I can’t let him win right now. I need to be strong.
