by Jen Talty
“He’d stay, and not because he loves me.”
“He does care for you, anyone can see that.”
“Would that be enough for you with Chuck?” Ryan tilted her head.
Penny’s shocked face gave Ryan the answer she needed. It wouldn’t be enough, and nothing Penny could say would sway her mind. She’d only tell Jared if he came to her, giving himself to her freely.
But she knew that would never happen. “This sucks.” She threw her arms around Penny. “Love really sucks.”
“I know, honey, I know,” Penny whispered, stroking Ryan’s hair and giving her the opportunity to let it all out.
Ryan didn’t know how much time had passed, but when she didn’t have a tear left, she pulled away, and wiped the mascara from her cheeks. “You’re going to make a great mom,” Ryan said, meaning it.
“God, I hope so.”
“How are the wedding plans?” Ryan asked, genuinely interested. She wanted to focus on something other than her own issues. She glanced at the clock. An hour had passed since Jared had left, and not knowing what was going on was driving her crazy.
“The church is booked; the only issue is the reception.”
“What’s the problem?”
“My mother. She and Chuck’s mom don’t see eye to eye on this point.”
“What about you and Chuck?”
“He wants to please my mother and I want to please his.”
Ryan laughed. “Sounds like fun.”
“Oh, yeah. Loads. At this point I’ll settle for anything. We’re having a meeting of the minds tomorrow morning and we’re going to make the final decision, since we have to put money down.”
“Who do you think is going to win?”
“My mother, since she’s footing the bill. But Chuck’s not too happy about that either. He wants us to pay for it.”
“Why look a gift horse in the mouth?” Ryan eased back on the couch, getting lost in Penny. She loved Pen like a sister, and her sheer happiness had started to rub off on Ryan.
“He won’t insult my mother, but I think he likes being the man. By the way, I stopped by the hospital today to see Nolan. Oh, my God.” Penny fanned her face. “That little boy is adorable. And your brother is just beaming. He even gave me a huge hug and kiss.”
Ryan’s entire being warmed at the mention of her nephew. “I can’t wait to spend some real time with him. This whole thing has really put a damper on his arrival.”
“I’m sure Marci and Pat will be calling on good old Auntie Ryan.”
A click from the other room made Ryan jump. “Did you hear that?”
Penny nodded, looking over her shoulder.
“I’m home,” Jared bellowed.
“Damn that man.” Ryan leaped from the couch. “Come on. Let’s go find out what happened.”
Without checking to see if Penny followed her or not, Ryan bolted into the kitchen, meeting a long faced Jared. “I’m not sure I like that look.”
“Me neither,” Penny said. “Did you get the bad guy?”
“We did,” Jared said, raking a hand across his head.
“So why the long face?” Ryan asked. Her body trembled in fear, but not for her life this time. “George was behind this, right?” Ryan gripped the chair, locking gazes with Jared.
His face softened. “We can’t get a confession out of either of them, but Rudy has been arrested. Nick needs you to come down to the station and identify your underwear.”
“Oh, that should be a blast,” Penny muttered. “You want me to go with you?”
“You should go home,” Ryan said, turning to Penny.
“You call me if you need me, day or night, got it?” Penny looped her arms around her and squeezed tight. “I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you, too.”
“Hey, since this nightmare is coming to an end, any reason she can’t go shopping with me tomorrow afternoon?” Penny looked at Jared.
“I don’t see why not.” He shrugged.
“Great. Oh, you do want to be my maid of honor, right?”
“As long as I don’t have to wear pink taffeta.”
“Oh, good God, no.” Penny laughed. “Call me in the morning, okay?”
“You got it.”
“I’ll walk you to your car.” Jared pulled back the door.
“Thanks.”
Ryan stood on the back porch and watched Jared open Penny’s car door, helping her slide behind the steering wheel. He was quite the gentleman. To everyone. Ryan realized all his actions were the same. He treated the world with the same respect he’d treated her. Nothing special, it was just the way he was. God, she hoped he’d get called to Rochester in the next twenty-four hours. Her acting abilities wouldn’t last much longer.
Jared stood in the still of night and watched Penny’s car disappear in the darkness. He couldn’t understand why he was still tormented. As long as Ryan identified her underwear, the district attorney assured him they had enough evidence to bring full charges against Rudy.
George was a different story, unless Rudy blew him in. But George was already behind bars and wouldn’t be getting out anytime soon.
Jared turned and faced the main house. The large home glowed against the clear lake. Everything about the solid structure sparkled. It needed a family to fill its quiet walls. He could picture a swing set with a sandbox and a couple of kids running around in the yard. He could see Ryan with a few kids, managing a career and home life, and doing a damn good job.
But he couldn’t picture himself in that family, no matter how hard he tried. Loving her had become the easy part. Telling her, well, that was impossible, because he still couldn’t give her what she desired most in life—stability.
Leaving would be best for both of them.
He took a few steps toward the house, where she stood on the porch, arms around her middle. The possibility of a baby still loomed in his brain. To his knowledge, she hadn’t gotten her period.
When he reached the porch, he wanted to tell her so many things, but just couldn’t bring himself to. None of it mattered anyway. “They can hold Rudy tonight, so we don’t need to go to the station until morning.”
“What if it’s not my underwear?”
“Then he walks,” Jared answered matter-of-factly. No need to beat around the bush, she’d been through too much for him to sugarcoat this.
“What if I can’t identify them?”
Her soft skin calmed his nerves when he took her by the elbow and led her back into the house. “I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”
“What about at trial? I mean, lots of women shop at Victoria’s Secret.” Her voice trembled.
Closing the door and securing the lock, he pulled her into his arms. “One step at a time, okay? The D.A. thinks we have a good case, and he wouldn’t go to trial if he thought he might lose.”
“Is this really over? Can I really let my guard down?”
He cupped her chin. “You should always be aware of your surroundings, but yes, this is over.”
“Thank God.” She pushed herself from his clutches, then rolled her neck.
He scowled. “I still want you to stay clear of Tom.”
“I have to work with him.”
“Don’t care.”
“Oh, trust me. I think this experience has taught me a thing or two about being a bitch.”
He wanted to laugh. Ryan could never really be a bitch. She was too nice. One of the many things about her he admired and adored. She had an uncanny ability to see the good in most people.
“Jared?” She touched his hand. “What’s going on?”
“I’m just tired.” He threaded his fingers through hers. “Closing a case is always anticlimactic. The experts say it has something to do with the rush of adrenaline, then the letdown when it’s all over or some such nonsense.” What a line of bull that was. And he wasn’t tired. He was restless. “Should we take a pregnancy test or something?”
“We?” She laughed. “Do
n’t think your urine would tell us anything.”
“You know what I mean.”
She patted her hand on his chest. “I’m not pregnant.”
“How can you be so sure?” He narrowed his eyes, checking out every feature of her face. As a cop, he was trained to detect liars.
“Let’s just say we won’t be mixing friendship with sex for the next few days.” She didn’t blink, not once. Nor did she look nervous. Besides, she had no reason to lie to him. They’d always been upfront with each other.
“You can still sleep in my bed, if you want.”
She shook her head. “Thanks, but I think the right time is right now. Besides, the realtor left a message on your machine saying she has an offer. One you should take. It sounded like they were close to the asking price.”
His pulse raced out of control and his chest actually hurt, like a heart attack might. “That’s good, but what about you?”
“It can’t be that hard to find an apartment this time of year. I’ve already circled a few in the paper over in Bolton.”
“You don’t miss a beat, do you?” He fought his desire to tell her how he really felt, because he wasn’t so sure.
“Nope.” She smiled proudly. “I can’t afford to.”
He opened his mouth to ask her what she’d do if he stayed, but then he remembered her look of disappointment when she’d found out he’d turned down the job once before. He didn’t want to disappoint her or have her hate him. Those two things he couldn’t bear. “I want you to know how much you mean to me. How much this time with you has helped me deal with…Johnny. I think I can finally move past his death, thanks to you.”
She smiled, her eyes twinkling in delight. “That means a lot to me. It broke my heart to see you in such pain.”
“It still hurts, but I know it’s not my fault.”
“Good.”
He stood there and stared at her, not knowing what to do. His heart wanted to take her into his arms and hold on tight, never letting go. His brain told him to run like hell and never look back. “Is the message from the realtor still on the machine? If someone is willing to pay list, I’d be a fool not to take it.”
She turned, fiddling with some papers on the counter. “I took all the information down.” When she turned to face him, she smiled, but her eyes looked sad. “It’s a good offer. She said she’d fax it to you in the morning.” She held the paper in her trembling hands. “Leaving this house, the carriage house, will be hard.” She wiped a tear that had dropped to her cheek.
Was there something more in her eyes? He searched, but couldn’t tell. His heart told him she wanted him to stay and give them a try, but he couldn’t commit to that feeling. What if he was wrong? What if he put his heart out there and she didn’t want him? “Ryan,” he whispered.
“I’m tired. I’ll go to the station in the morning. Goodnight, Jared.” She eased into his arms to kiss his cheek, then slipped out and disappeared up the stairs, taking his heart with her.
But he wouldn’t follow it. He couldn’t. He didn’t know how to love her.
17
Jared watched the sun begin its descent behind the tall mountains as he loaded the last of his suitcases into the back of his pickup, then looked around the place he’d called home for as long as he could remember.
“Is that it?” Pat asked.
“For now. I’ll fly back in a few weeks to get the BMW. And until I sell the house, I won’t move the furniture.”
“What about that offer?”
“Still negotiating.” Jared rubbed the back of his neck. He should’ve taken the offer up front, but he decided to hold out for a few more thousand. Now the realtor said the couple was looking at another house on Assembly Point. “You know how it is.”
“I know you’re stubborn as a mule.”
“One of my more redeeming qualities.” The empty carriage house caught his attention. Ryan had moved in with her brother until her new apartment became available in just two weeks. Jared couldn’t help but feel like he’d taken her home from her. And now she was off with Penny, camping. He scowled. She couldn’t have waited a few days to say goodbye to him? She’d been able to ID most of her underwear. The district attorney had gone after Rudy with both barrels loaded. And since then, she’d been avoiding Jared.
Or at least that’s how he saw it.
“Tell Ryan to take her time getting her stuff from the garage. I can help her when I come back. I’ll probably take a long weekend.”
“Having a tough time letting go?” Pat asked, giving him a brotherly pat on the back.
“I suppose. I’ve never lived anywhere else, besides college. It is a little weird.”
“I meant Ryan.”
Her name made his heart ping. He missed her, and he didn’t want to. He could smell her peach shampoo and feel her skin against his.
“I’m not sure how to say this,” Pat continued, “but you’ve changed, and I think my sister has something to do with it.”
“She’s a good woman, and I care about her. She’s helped me through some tough times, and I’ll always be grateful.”
“I think she feels the same way about you.”
Jared chuckled. He’d never really thought about how much Ryan had been there for him. He’d always been worried about being there for her, protecting her from the world. But she’d proven she could take care of herself, and then some. “I just wish she’d waited to say goodbye.”
“It’s not like you’ll never see her again. You just said you’d be back in a few weeks.” Pat slapped him on the back. “And don’t forget about the christening a few weeks after that. And I’m sure you’ll be back for Penny’s wedding.”
“I think I’m in it.” He chuckled, wondering how he’d been suckered into that one. “Well, I’d better hit the road.”
He pulled open the door, then looked Pat square in the eye. “Thanks for everything, man.”
“Anytime.” Pat craned his neck. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yep.” Jared didn’t hesitate in his response, but he’d been hesitating in his heart. “I know I’ve been a little on the sentimental side these last few days.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Change is always harder than we think.”
“I suppose.” Pat took a step back from the truck. “Take care.”
“Watch your back,” Jared said, then slipped behind the wheel. He didn’t look back when he pulled away, but he knew things would never be the same again. He managed to keep his emotions in check until he pulled onto the Northway. He swiped at his eyes, infuriated with himself. He glanced at himself in the rearview mirror. A horn honked behind him. He swerved, pulling into the right lane, noticing he’d been going slower than the flow of traffic. Then he pulled onto the shoulder and rolled to a stop.
Gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white. He blinked a few times, then pulled back out into traffic. For the next few miles, he blasted the radio and tried to get into the music, singing along. He forced his mind onto his new job and off Ryan.
He yanked his cell phone from his hip and pressed star three, staring at her cell number. “And what the hell would you say to her?” He tossed his phone to the passenger seat. Like he’d tell a woman he loved her over the phone. “Shit.” He gunned the truck, trying to ignore the U-turn coming up, but to no avail.
Once again, he rolled his truck to a stop between the north and south lanes of the highway. He hadn’t driven more then forty miles from Lake George. “This is nuts.” He backed out and continued to head south. He just needed some space. He figured the more miles he put between them, the better he’d feel.
But as he approached the thruway, he didn’t feel any better. Pulling into a deserted parking lot, he reached for his cell and stared at it. “I love her,” he said, feeling like a fool for talking to himself, but a weight had suddenly been lifted. Just saying it out loud gave him some freedom. The question then became: was admitting it enough? Could he continue to drive
away knowing the woman he loved would move on with her life, never knowing how he felt?
And what about his job? Wasn’t that what he’d been working toward for the last few years? The scuba unit had been his second choice. He stared at the cars rolling by toward their own destinations when it hit him. His restlessness had never been about his job, but what was right in front of him.
Ramming the gearshift out of park, he peeled out of the parking lot and headed toward home. It wasn’t about being needed by the good people of the State of New York, but being needed by one person. And him needing her.
And now he was going to get her. A sudden panic shot through his system. What if she didn’t want him? He flipped open his phone, hitting Pat’s number.
“Hello?” Pat answered.
“Where is she?” he practically yelled.
“Jared?”
“Where’s your sister?” he asked again. This time a little more calmly.
“Camping, why? Something wrong? George break out of prison or something?”
“Nothing like that, although you won’t like what I’ve got in mind.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Pat asked.
“Just tell me where she is. I’ll explain later.”
“I don’t know. She went camping with Penny somewhere in the narrows.”
“A lot of help you are. If you find out, call my cell. I should be back in town in a little less than an hour.”
“You’re coming back?” Pat’s voice rose up an octave. “Should I be worried about her safety?”
“Ummm, that all depends on what you think about me sweeping her off her feet.”
“What?”
Jared held the phone from his ear while Pat swore up and down. “You done yet?”
“Go to Rochester,” Pat snapped.
“No can do. Not unless Ryan breaks my heart.” Jared sucked in a breath. That could be a reality, something he might have to deal with.
“You come anywhere near her, I’ll…I’ll…oh hell, good luck. You’re going to need it when it comes to my sister.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jared clicked his phone shut, then called Frank, bypassing Chuck. He knew he shouldn’t use his police resources to find her, but his heart was on the line.
