by Zack Zombie
I think it was because I started thinking about how some Ender nuggets would taste really good right now.
Also, I think that Ender-Boost potion did something to me.
No, it didn’t grow hair on my chest.
It grew hair on my hands. . .
That’s what I said. . .HANDS!
I turned into an Ender-mutant!
It was so weird.
Kinda felt like I had sausages on my arms.
Man, so much for trying to help my friends, I thought.
Not only was I really far away from where the kids were, but now I’m a weirdo and I can’t help anybody.
So, I just sat on my hands and cried.
If I ever get out of this, I promise to never play a practical joke ever again, I thought.
I was just hoping that somebody out in Mojang would hear me and come to my rescue, just this once.
But who was I kidding?
It was hopeless.
All of sudden, a small shiny purple cloud appeared out of nowhere.
Then it grew bigger and bigger until it filled the whole room.
What in the world is happening? I thought.
The next thing I know, some guy jumped out of the purple cloud.
Then I heard action music playing.
“Who are you?” I asked the man dressed in a commando outfit.
“Well, I’m known by many names but you can call me Chuck Norris.”
“What the what?!!! The real Chuck Norris?”
“Yep, in the flesh. And I’m here to help you, son.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said in between sobs. “I got my friends in trouble, and now I don’t know how to help them.”
“Sounds like a real predicament you got yourself into,” Chuck said.
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Well, like I always say, ‘If you ever get your friends in trouble, you deserve a roundhouse kick to the face.’”
“Wait. . .what?”
“Or like my daddy always used to say,” Chuck continued, “’There’s no problem too big that you can’t punch your way out of. . .and if you don’t, you deserve a roundhouse kick to the face.’”
“Huh?”
“Or like my grandmamma used to always say, ‘Eat your greens or I’ll roundhouse kick you in the face.’”
Then Chuck looked right at me with a really intense stare.
I don’t know how, but I had a strong feeling what was coming next.
So before I got roundhouse kicked in the face, I clenched my butt cheeks real tight and teleported my way out of there.
BAMF!
Next thing I know, I was outside of a giant cave in the mountains, in the Forest Biome.
I couldn’t believe it. I made it!
Thank you, Chuck Norris. . .wherever you are.
Friday
It was Friday, and I could tell I was in the right cave because of all the purple spider webs everywhere.
As I walked closer, I could hear the spider noise getting louder and louder.
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk.
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk.
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk.
As I slowly crept into the cave, I eventually made it to a big cavern.
And there was Kong, on top of a hill, sleeping.
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk.
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk.
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk.
I walked around her enormous body to see if I could find the other kids, but I couldn’t find them anywhere.
BOP!
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Zombie arm hit me on the head.
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk!
Kong woke up briefly to see what the commotion was about. But, luckily, she went back to sleep.
When I looked up to see where the arm came from, I couldn’t believe it. All the kids from my class were in a giant purple spider web that was hanging from the ceiling.
I was trying to wave at them to get their attention, but they all looked asleep.
The bigger problem was that hanging right next them there was a ginormous purple egg sack with like a million spider eggs.
. . .And it was throbbing.
Gross.
The eggs looked all fat and gooey, like if they were about to open up any minute.
So I had to do something fast.
BAMF!
I teleported up to the spider web holding the kids, but it started creaking.
CREEAAAKKK.
Fisk, fisk, fisk!
Kong woke up because of the noise, but eventually she went back to sleep again.
Phew! Okay, I’m up here, but how am I going to get the kids out? I thought.
Then I remembered Chuck Norris’ words. . .
“There’s no problem too big that you can’t punch your way out of. . .and if you don’t, you deserve a roundhouse kick to the face.”
Oh, man, I’ve never punched anything before in my life; now, how am I supposed to punch a web?
Well, here goes nothing. . .
So, I bunched up my new sausage fingers and punched the spider web.
It worked! I made a hole in it.
Then I stuck my fingers in the web and started pulling it apart.
Whoa! Hands are so cool!
But, I think I pulled on the web too hard.
Next thing I know, one of the skeleton kids slipped out and was hanging by one of his ribs.
And, it didn’t help when he woke up. . .
“AAAAAAHHH!!!!!”
Then all the other kids woke up. . .
“AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”
And then Kong woke up. . .
Fisk! Fisk! Fisk!
Then all the kids started screaming and shaking the web, and it started creaking and swinging.
Next thing we know, we swung over and slammed right into the big egg sack.
SPLOOSH!
Some of the eggs burst open and we all got covered in purple goo.
Blech.
Then all of a sudden, the baby spiders started coming out of their eggs!
There was like a million of them crawling out.
And every time we swung over, they tried to grab us.
“AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”
So now we had a million baby spiders trying to eat us.
And we had Kong on the bottom of the cavern waiting for us.
Not only that, the purple goo made it really hard to hang on. . .
Then, I slipped. . .
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Flump!
Luckily, I landed on a large pile of bones on the cavern floor.
But then as I started getting up, a giant shadow surrounded me.
I really didn’t want to turn around. . .but I knew I had to.
And right when I did turn around, Kong’s face was right in front of me!
Fisk, Fisk, Fisk!
So there she was, staring at me with those eight giant black mysterious eyes.
But even though everything inside of me was telling me to teleport away…
I decided, it was time for the ultimate staring contest.
It was time to stare death in the face!
So now, it was on like Donkey Kong.
After about ten minutes, me and Kong just kept on staring at each other.
I could hear all of the kids yelling in the background.
They were yelling something about how the baby spiders were forming a spider bridge to reach them.
But I couldn’t be distracted because I was in the staring battle of a lifetime.
Suddenly. . .
Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink
, blink, blink.
Kong blinked!
I won!
Yeah, I know it didn’t mean much because I was going to die. But, at least I would die knowing that Endermen rule!
Then all of a sudden. . .
Fisk, fisk, fisk, tee hee.
Wait. . .what was that?
Fisk, fisk, fisk, tee hee hee . . .
I couldn’t believe it, but I think Kong was laughing!
Then Kong came up really close to me and put her head down in front of me.
It’s a good thing I had those man-hands. So, I used my sausage fingers to scratch her head.
Next thing I know, she flipped over and so I scratched her belly too.
Fisk, fisk, fisk, tee hee hee.
“HELP US!”
Oh, man, the other kids!
I looked up and the baby spiders had already reached my friends. I was too late!
Then, the baby spiders started to grab the kids one by one.
I had to close my eyes, so I wouldn’t see the horror!
But, suddenly, instead of eating them. . .
. . .The baby spiders just started bringing the kids down safely to the ground!
Huh?!!
Finally, when the last of the kids were down, the baby spiders started singing and laughing. Then they just jumped on their backs like they wanted their bellies scratched.
So then me and the other kids just spent the rest of the time laughing, singing, and scratching spider bellies.
But then, out of nowhere, some huge lights shined around us.
“ALL RIGHT, MEN, TAKE YOUR POSITIONS!”
Oh no! It was the Forest Biome Troopers!
Kong ran to a corner, and all her babies ran under her for protection.
Then all the troopers took their positions and got ready to take Kong and her babies down.
I could hear them racking their guns and preparing to fire.
Chuck-Chack!
Me and the other kids were all really scared. We all knew that Kong and her babies were in trouble, but we couldn’t do anything about it.
So, I looked over at Sam the Shulker, and he looked back and gave me a nod. Then we looked at the other kids, and they all gave a nod.
Then me, Sam, and all the other kids jumped in front of Kong and her babies to protect them. We all locked arms not knowing what would happen to us.
Then we closed our eyes, and hoped for the best…
Suddenly, the Trooper in charge started yelling.
STAND DOWN!
STAND DOWN!
Then all the troopers put their guns down.
Kong and all her babies were so happy, they started jumping, laughing, and singing. They were singing and laughing so loud that you could hear it throughout the cave.
Then Forest Biome Troopers were so moved, that they joined in and started laughing and singing too.
So we all spent the entire night laughing, singing, and scratching spider bellies.
It was awesome!
And man. . .it sure beat getting roundhouse kicked in the face.
Saturday
Well, all the kids finally got home safe and sound.
The good thing was that nobody got hurt.
Except for the Zombie kid that lost his arm.
We found out later it was just a rental, so it was all good.
They decided not to bring Kong back to the Zoo.
She had too much responsibility taking care of all her new babies.
So they just set up an animal hospital up in the mountains so they could help her.
Also, they changed her name because Kong sounded too scary.
Now they just call her Princess, which is still kinda creepy but cool.
The Forest Biome Troopers were so moved by Kong and her babies that they passed a law protecting all spiders in the Forest Biome.
The Forest Biome troopers also got a surprise when some of Kong’s babies volunteered to be Troopers.
So now, instead of Zombie horses, the Forest Biome Troopers ride spiders.
Cool, right?
And after that whole situation, Sam and me started hanging out more.
We realized that we had a lot more in common than we thought.
So now, instead of my nemesis, Sam’s like one of my best friends.
I think what really made the difference was when he finally realized that Endermen Rule!
Yeah!
Well, my hands are back to normal, too.
It seems like the Ender-Boost wore off.
And I’m really glad, too.
Having fingers is really dangerous.
I mean, there are just too many things around to stick your finger into.
But I really miss playing one of my new favorite games.
It starts by asking somebody to pull your finger. . .
I also found out that one of the side effects of the Ender Boost was hallucinations.
So, I’m not sure if Chuck Norris was real or not.
But it doesn’t really matter. . .he’s always going to be my hero.
But the one thing I did learn from this crazy situation is that I need to be a little more careful when I play practical jokes on people.
I mean, like they can really backfire.
And now that I think of it, I should probably stop trolling people’s houses. . .
And I should probably stop playing Teleport Tag. . .
And I should probably stop moving people’s stuff. . .
And I should probably. . .
Naaaaaa.
It’s just way too much fun!
Epilogue
So hopefully after reading this, you have a better understanding of what it’s like to be an Enderman.
And all those rumors you’ve heard about us? Yeah, well, they’re not true.
I mean, sure, we stare. . .but we do it to let you know how much we admire your perfectly square head.
And sure, we teleport. . . but that’s only because we don’t want to get blamed for cutting the cheese.
And sure, we move your stuff. . .but its only because it’ll look better somewhere else. . .like our house.
But Endermen are kind and playful souls that would love to play with you one day.
So, how about a staring contest?
Ha. . .made you blink!
THE END
Find out What Happens Next in…
Diary of a Minecraft Enderman
Book 2
Coming Soon…
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