by Scott Innes
The winner of a fan competition to play one match for Palangonia FC, Mark Cockin so impressed manager Kevin Keegan that he was signed on the spot and went on to captain the club to an unprecedented treble. Sadly, Cockin later had all medals stripped and was released by the club after a league official spotted a misplaced apostrophe on his original competition entry form.
While better known previously as a pop star, particularly as the singer for punk-reggae band The Gaseous Leaks, who bagged three top-ten hits on the fish-planet of Piscea, Lex Coogans-Finch switched career to become a reliable left-back for Palangonia FC, though he ultimately left the club under a cloud after being tapped up to return to music as the new vocalist for Fleetwood Mac (by then onto their third century of a galaxy-wide tour after pioneering robo-splice procedures prolonged their lives and careers).
Michael Follett, better known to opposition fans as ‘The Troublemaker’, played for two seasons as a floating midfielder. Notorious for a confrontational playing style and for punching two referees on the same day (one during a match, the other for cutting in front of him in a supermarket queue later that evening), Follett failed to report for pre-season one year and his current whereabouts are unknown.
Peter Neil Griffin Follett, aka ‘Butterfingers’, was the reserve goalkeeper at Palangonia FC for three seasons before being promoted to first choice after his predecessor tragically fell into a ravine while completing a cryptic crossword. Follett went on to keep a grand total of one clean sheet, an impressive club record which stands to this day.
Once described by Sir Alex Ferguson as ‘I’ve never heard of them’, Wayne Garvie was a jinky winger with an unerringly accurate cross. Responsible for 104 assists in two seasons but no goals, Garvie’s career was cut short by a paper cut that was so distracting and irritating that it resulted in a dramatic loss of form and the eventual termination of his contract.
The youngest player in Palangonia FC’s history, having made his debut up front at the age of four, Russell P Hancock became famous for sitting down in the centre circle and crying for a full ninety minutes, an ingenious tactic that unsettled every opponent and began Palangonia’s journey to its most trophy-laden season on record. Hancock then left the club to begin a successful spell at nursery school.
Since retiring from professional football after a decorated career which yielded two league titles and free fish and chips for life from club sponsor The Happy Fryer, Ben Hayward returned to Palangonia FC as director of football. As no one knows what this job actually involves, Hayward currently spends each day sitting in his office and staring out of the window, waiting for the next match.
After a dazzling debut season with thirty-five clean sheets as centre-half and a nomination for young player of the season, Jarrett Holland tragically lost both ears in a Scrabble-related accident. Against the odds, Holland battled back into the team and, following pioneering surgery, was able to hear again. Due to a hospital administrative error, the operation also left Holland with the ability to read minds.
Now the most highly paid TV pundit in the galaxy, younger fans often forget that Nathan Jones was one of the deadliest goal-scorers of his generation. During a memorable season at Palangonia FC, Jones famously scored an unprecedented triple hat-trick, although as seven of the goals were bagged during half-time, some statisticians dispute the validity of this record despite the league controversially allowing the goals to stand.
After a solid-if-unremarkable career as a footballer, Drew Keavey is now best known for serving three terms as prime minister of the human compound on Palangonia, a period of prosperity and peace which was eventually shattered when Keavey accidentally sat on the nuclear launch button and obliterated the neighbouring planet of Grawk. After leaving office, Keavey went on to describe the incident as ‘a bit of a shame, if I’m honest’.
Geoff Lewis was one of the greatest goalkeepers in the history of Galactic League C and was such a fast sprinter that he would often double up as a striker in the same match, hoofing the ball towards goal before dashing up to the other end of the pitch to nod it in at the far post. David Seaman once described Lewis as ‘the lovechild of me and Alan Shearer. Not literally – please make sure you emphasise that. There’s no substance to any of those rumours.’
Rab Livingstone was signed from non-league football on the swamp-planet of Groiku VIII and went on to captain Palangonia FC to a league and cup double, though he later left the club after being exposed as a shape-shifting alien with the power to control the ball with his mind. Livingstone briefly returned to the club as manager before the board remembered why they’d got rid of him in the first place and removed him.
Better known by club’s fans as ‘The Midfielder’, a clever nickname based on the position he played in the team, Doug Maclellan was a tough-tackling, never-say-die footballer who stubbornly refused to accept defeat, often refusing to allow the opposition to leave the pitch until Palangonia FC had won. Because of this, one match infamously lasted for just over six weeks before the club nicked a 1–0 win.
Originally hired by Palangonia FC as a groundskeeper, Declan Lardybloke McEneaney was spotted by manager Kevin Keegan completing a total of two back-to-back keepy-uppies after a training session and was offered a six-year playing contract on the spot. McEneaney went on to make a grand total of one substitute appearance for the club, after Keegan quickly realised he had made a terrible, impulsive mistake.
Liam and Paul McEneaney were arguably the most beloved strike partnership in Palangonia FC’s history, with a combined 978 goals from 1,215 appearances, including two hat-tricks apiece in one match against Eddie Howe’s Kvaanikk FC in the Galactic Cup Final. Liam said upon their retirement, ‘We’ve always had a strong connection, although it’s not as though—’ ‘—We finish each other’s sentences or anything like that,’ Paul chipped in.
Andy Muckles was the first name on the team-sheet for four seasons, winning two Galactic Cups and one BAFTA (subsequently recalled by the Academy when they realised it had been awarded in error and was intended for Benedict Cumberbatch). Since retiring, Muckles opened his own bicycle shop, though it closed within two months as no one rides bikes in the future.
The first human to ever win Galactic Player of the Year, Steve Murray scored 47,557 goals in three seasons at Palangonia FC, a record which baffles statisticians to this day. While rumours persist that Murray is not real and that those three seasons were part of a massive computer simulation, Murray’s tally still stands, even if the player himself has vanished without trace with no other record of him ever having existed.
A tough-tackling centre-half with a knack for scoring important headers, Ross Paterson will sadly be best remembered as perhaps the most reviled criminal in Palangonian legal history, the infamous ‘Bakery Bandit’ who repeatedly picked up cream buns and chocolate eclairs before putting them back on the counter and refusing to purchase them. Paterson remains on the run, with authorities offering a six-figure reward for any information leading to his capture.
A cultured playmaker once described by Teddy Sheringham as ‘quite good apparently, though to be honest I haven’t seen them and wouldn’t know them if I passed them in the street’, David Puckridge endeared himself to the Palangonia FC faithful by having the club crest tattooed on his face, an act of blind loyalty which later resulted in a potential transfer to a rival club falling through.
A fan favourite, JP Rangaswami was a striker who failed to score a single goal for the club during a four-season stay. After the club was awarded a last-minute penalty in the final match of the final season, Rangaswami stepped up only to spontaneously combust just before striking the ball. As a final indignity, Rangaswami was booked by the referee for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Described by the Compound Chronicle as ‘basically fine’, Tom Reeve was a regular on the left-side of the Palangonia FC defence and became renowned for his phobia of crossing the halfway line, which caused him to suffer nosebleeds, cramps and violent wind. ‘People would laugh,�
�� Reeve later lamented, ‘but it was a real pain in the arse. Actually, that was one of the other symptoms.’
Beloved by fans for his loyalty to the club and for publicly stating he would never play for any other side, Dean Rutland was a holding midfielder during Palangonia FC’s least successful period, during which they suffered three successive relegations. ‘I don’t care how low we fall,’ Rutland said after the third demotion, ‘I love this club and will never leave.’ Rutland is currently a free agent.
A solid right-back, Mathias Thu Utheim was ever-present during Palangonia FC’s promotion season to Galactic League B, scoring three goals and famously grappling with two Winged Terrors which swooped down to feed during a match. Sadly, the creatures were too powerful and Utheim was ultimately killed and eaten. The referee promptly booked Utheim for leaving the pitch without permission.
A club stalwart who both played for and managed Palangonia FC, David Tonks infamously failed to win a single match in either capacity. Disappointing fans for frequently forgetting the name of the club and for repeatedly stating in press conferences that football was dull and that his true passion was for ice-sculpting, Tonks currently hosts a high-brow TV arts and culture documentary series on Palangonia which regularly achieves viewing figures in the high single digits.
Marcus Townsend joined Palangonia mid-season during their dark days in Galactic League F and helped the club to successive promotions. Since retiring, Townsend moved into the film industry and has won two Oscars (one for Best Supporting Actor, the other for Best Sound Effects Editing) and is currently working on a biopic of Nottingham Forest legend Ian Woan.
Once described by Darren Huckerby as ‘slightly taller than I expected’, Steve Townsend played a key role in the push for the Galactic League A title, which was ultimately unsuccessful as the club were relegated with -10 points, the deduction a result of the league’s disapproval of Townsend’s ‘provocative’ hairstyle. Townsend later moved to Skrenkle Rovers on a free transfer, scoring once in a game that was later abandoned due to poor weather. ‘It still counts,’ he insisted, though league administrators continue to disagree.
Paul Walke was the most prolific striker in Galactic League C in his debut season with twenty-six goals before Christmas, before being sacked by Palangonia FC for failing a drugs test. Although it later transpired that the results had been mixed up at the lab with those of a local drug addict serial killer known as ‘Hobo Frank’, the club refused to re-sign Walke after he cleared his name, stating, ‘The paperwork would be too much of a hassle.’
Best known today as the only player never to have had a touch of the ball during a match in a fifteen-year career, Vahid Walker was a reliable presence at centre-half for Palangonia FC and won two league titles. ‘My only regret,’ Walker said upon retiring, ‘was that I never touched the ball. I mean, obviously it’s going to be that. What else would it be? It’s bloody embarrassing.’
Nicknamed ‘The Troll’ after a misleading estate agent listing for his new flat resulted in him having to live under a bridge for two seasons, Steven White was a true fan-favourite at Palangonia FC, despite failing to make a single appearance and only once even making the bench. Since retiring, White has attempted to buy the club but his bid of £1.79 was described by the board as ‘below what we’d hoped for’ and the deal ultimately fell through.
Dr Pete Williams was the Palangonia FC club physician until he was drafted in at centre-forward during one of the worst injury crises in their history, when half the squad came down with severe back injuries (which manager Kevin Keegan insisted was nothing to do with the players being enlisted to help him move house). Williams went on to score two own goals and get himself sent off for a deliberate handball. Keegan hailed his debut as ‘one of the most dynamic I’ve ever seen’ and Williams went on to play up front for a further three seasons, scoring no goals.
Jonathan Windeatt was the most prolific scorer of headers in Galactic League history, though his tactic of flying just above ground level in a hot-air balloon to outjump opponents was frequently controversial. Infamously, at the end of another high-scoring season, Windeatt’s balloon was taken by a stiff breeze in the eighty-sixth minute and quickly disappeared beyond the horizon. Windeatt has never been found, though authorities later admitted that they hadn’t really looked.
Phil Young holds the astonishing record of having been on the winning side in every match played for Palangonia FC. ‘I’m very proud – it’s something to tell the grandkids,’ Young said in an interview with the Compound Chronicle. While some cynics have pointed out that Young only played one match for the club (as an eighty-seventh-minute substitute in a 1–0 win over the Drabalfa Colony) before being sold, it is nevertheless a record that remains unparalleled in the Galactic League to this day.
Sondre Alnes Ytterland became player-manager of Palangonia FC after Alan Curbishley’s ill-fated reign came to an end following an acrimonious four-day period during which the club lost every single game it played (one). Initially a temporary measure, Ytterland’s reign proved so successful that the fans demanded the job be awarded full-time. Ytterland led the club to promotion to Galactic League A before being poached by Real Grunfaal, though Ytterland’s tenure there came to a premature end when its planet was completely obliterated by an asteroid.
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