by Shandi Boyes
When I balance the bottle against my lips for a second gulp, Nick snatches it out of my hand. “You’re not your dad, Noah.”
He screws the cap back on, then places it on the bar, not the least bit concerned about how much his comment guts me. It still kills me knowing my brothers and I weren't enough for my dad to pull himself out of the depression that ate him whole, but who am I to talk? I let fame and a man not worthy of my time take me away from the one person who means the world to me.
“Emily fucking left me,” I growl through gritted teeth.
Nick can’t understand what I’m going through. His fiancée is having their baby in a few weeks. They live together in a house purchased with profits from our album, and he gets to travel home to see her while I’m stuck here picking up the slack only a lead singer can.
His life is perfect, where mine is going down the fucking toilet.
When I skirt past him, he steps back into my path. It pisses me off, but the determination in his eyes is enough to keep me out of the dark pit I’m galloping toward. “One step at a time. Perform the shit out of this song first, then tomorrow morning, we’ll go sort this shit out—together.”
He’d never admit it, but I know he feels guilty about how his relationship with Jenni affected mine with Emily. We spent weeks worrying more about them than ourselves, and although his pledge of assistance won’t repair the fuckups I’ve made, it’s a step in the right direction.
While jerking my chin up in agreement with his suggestion, I scrub my tired eyes. I had no clue how tiring it is to be a musician until I was pulled from one side of the country to the next—every single fucking day. Weekends are ideal times for radio interviews, but they’re the only days Emily has off school.
When my mental and physical exhaustion got the better of me, I took the easy way out. I started canceling on Emily. The first few times, she sounded upset, but she said she understood my obligations went further than my bandmates. Then, as I canceled over and over again, her disappointment switched to frustration. That’s when I should have stepped back and looked at the entire picture.
I would have if it were only dollar signs flashing in front of my eyes.
No matter how we got here, one fact never alters: I have to win her back. This isn’t an option; it's a requirement. She owns my heart, and I have no intention to ask for it back. Instead, I’ll do everything I can to prove why she’s its rightful owner.
Suddenly, it dawns on me what I need to do.
Chapter 32
Emily
Jacob comforts me the best he can the remainder of our trip, but not even his corny jokes can stop the sobs ripping through my body. Thirty minutes ago, I did something I never thought I would do. I broke up with Noah.
It feels like someone has lassoed a rope around my heart to strangle it along with my lungs. I've barely caught a breath the last half of our trip, and I've shed more tears than I care to admit. But even with the pain, I'm confident I've done the right thing. Unclipping Noah's wings is probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for him. At least I can say I gave him that.
When Jacob’s turn signal flashes at the T that leads to Ravenshoe, my eyes stray to his. “Can you please take me to Jenni’s?”
Even his multiple assurances that Noah and I will work through our hiccup without too much heartache, the last place I want to go is to his house. Jacob is my friend, but his home is Noah’s home, so I can’t go there right now—if ever.
Jacob gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “Are you sure this is what you want, Em?”
The concern in his ocean blue eyes blurs my vision with fresh tears, but I don’t need 20/20 vision to express my wishes. When I nod, he squeezes my hand for the second time before turning left.
Five minutes later, he pulls into the driveway of Jenni’s house. Not even two seconds after that, Jenni waddles down the front steps of her porch. Even with my eyes brimming with moisture, I can’t miss how radiant she looks... until she spots my tear-stained face. Concern washes over her as her wave “hello” suspends mid-air.
I mouth to her that I’m fine before pressing my lips to Jacob’s cheeks. “Thanks, Jake.”
Jacob’s lips tug into an uneasy grin as he watches me climb down from Noah’s truck for the last time. Who knew something so trivial only a few months ago could seem so big now?
Jacob waits for me to trudge to Jenni’s side before he reverses out of the driveway. His taillights have barely disappeared when Jenni curls her arms around my shoulders to hug me tight. Her hot breath on my neck when she asks if I’m okay adds more wetness to my cheeks.
I pretend my world isn’t falling apart as we climb the stairs of her front porch and enter her house, but once we’re inside, the avalanche starts.
By the time I update her on everything that has happened, an hour has passed. Even with her knowing a majority of the story since I’ve called her crying many times the past two months, I leave nothing on the table. I tell her everything.
It feels good getting it off my chest, but it adds to my heartache. Although Jenni has faced the same isolation issues with Nick being on tour, she can’t deny she’s still seen Nick every two weeks at a minimum the past two months. I haven’t seen Noah once. If I needed more proof that I did the right thing pulling back on the reins, I just got it.
“That proves it was Noah’s choice to stay away.” I blow on the cup of the tea Jenni just placed in front of me, praying it will hide the quiver of my lips.
It’s pointless when she replies, “He’s the lead singer, Em. He has more on his plate than the other boys do.”
I almost snap back until our eyes collide. Even though it sounds as if she’s defending Noah, her eyes reveal otherwise. She’s also angry at him.
“Did he tell you why he canceled today?”
I shake my head. “No. I haven’t talked to him.”
I knew hearing his voice would have me backing down on my decision to leave him. It was a close call when Jacob put him on speakerphone.
“Oh...” Jenni’s brows pull together even tighter, revealing she knows why he canceled. When I give her a look, one demanding she spill the beans, she murmurs, “They’re performing on MTV. It’s set to air tonight.”
My chest swells with pride. Rise Up has been working toward this for a long time, but whether it’s a big deal like MTV or a small radio gig, Noah would have still canceled on me.
"That's great; I'm pleased for them.” My voice is as uneasy as my facial expression.
Jenni paces around her kitchen table to wrap me up in a hug like she did earlier. Although my heart is splintering, my first smile in days curls on my lips when her belly wiggles against my back. Her firm hold has the baby protesting about a lack of space. “You’ll work this out, Em. You can’t love someone as much as you love Noah and walk away from it.”
After pressing her lips to my temple, she trudges out of the kitchen, her steps as clunky as the irregular arrhythmic beat of my heart. I love Noah. I always have, and I always will, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. He needs more than I can give him, so the best I can do is give him the freedom to discover what that is.
Blinded by a migraine and heartbroken beyond repair, I decide to have an early night. When I update Jenni on my plans, she begs me to watch Rise Up’s performance on MTV. I refuse. It would kill me watching Noah sing “Surrender Me” to screaming fans. I’ve grown stronger the past two years, but I’m not that strong.
After hiking the stairs to the second level, I careen toward one of two guest bedrooms in Jenni’s house. I’m so exhausted, even tugging down the duvet takes effort. I kick off my shoes and yank down my jeans before slipping between the warm sheets. I'm expecting it to take me hours to fall asleep, so you can imagine my surprise when I crash the instant my head hits the pillow.
By the time I wake the following morning, it's a little after nine. I slept over twelve hours straight. Jenni must be awake because fresh towels are at the end of my bed. With the shower
beckoning me to it, I head to the guest bathroom. The scorching hot water comforts my weary muscles while soap washes away the sorrow slicking my skin.
When the water turns frigid, I switch off the faucet and clamber out, my teeth chattering. While wrapping a fluffy pink towel around my body, I stroll to the vanity to brush my teeth. When the steam from the mirror clears, I grimace. Even twelve hours of sleep hasn’t made me look presentable. The girl reflecting back at me is still the same Emily McIntosh I'm used to seeing, except this Emily is broken on the inside.
I brush my drenched hair but leave it to dry naturally before slipping into a pair of denim jeans and a black Led Zeppelin shirt. Winter is approaching, but Jenni has adequate heating, so I don’t put on a jacket.
I gallop down the stairs, taking them two at a time before turning left at the hall. No matter the circumstances, today will be a good day because it’s Jenni’s baby shower. I refuse to let whatever is happening between Noah and me ruin my best friend’s special day.
When I round the corner of the kitchen, I spot Jenni standing near the sink. She’s a good foot back since her tummy is so large. While approaching her, I muster a huge fake smile on my face. “Happy baby shower d...”
My words fail when I detect I’m being watched. With my heart in my throat and my tears burning from a sudden rush of moisture, I jackknife to my right. As my body predicted, Noah is sitting at the breakfast bar, staring at me. The dark rims around his eyes make him appear as exhausted as I felt yesterday, but he's still the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. Although this is everything I’ve ever wanted, it comes too late.
My eyes drift back to Jenni, hating what I’m about to do, but I have no choice. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”
She loses the chance to protest when I dart out of her kitchen as quickly as my quivering legs will take me. I hear Noah call my name, but I don’t stop. My focus is on one thing and one thing only: going anywhere I can cry without witnesses.
A frustrated squeal bubbles in my chest when my stomps across Jenni’s driveway fail to lead me to my car. With my mind fritzed, I forgot Jacob dropped me off. After cursing the cool morning air, I rack my brain for another solution. My first thoughts are to ask Jenni to drive me back to school, but she has friends arriving in a few hours for her baby shower, so that option isn’t viable. But I have to leave because seeing Noah again hurts too much. It feels like my heart is being torn in two.
My deliberations are cut short when Noah shouts, “Em, wait!”
With my heartache overtaking my smarts, I race down Jenni’s driveway. It’s mid-morning on a Saturday, so I’m confident I’ll bump into someone I know eventually.
I’m not even halfway out of the driveway when Noah catches up with me. I scream my anger into the street when he bands his arm around my waist and pulls me back. Since he’s several inches taller than me, my feet lift from the ground from his hold, freeing them to lash out in violence. I kick and roar with all my might, unleashing all the anger I’ve built up the past few months.
“Let me go!” I’m fighting so hard my words are barely coherent. “Let me fuckin’ go!”
I scream so loud, anyone having a lazy Saturday morning sleep-in no longer is. I claw him with my nails while jabbing my boots into his shins. I do anything and everything to free me from his hold, but no matter how hard I fight, he continues to hold me close to his body.
“I’m sorry, Emily; I’m so fucking sorry.” He draws me in tighter, but it does little to stop my onslaught.
He gave up on us. I can’t forgive him for that. “It’s too late; we’re done. I can’t do this anymore.”
“It’s not too late; I’ll make it up to you. I promise. I just need you to give me the chance—please.”
I try to stay angry, to not melt into his embrace, but the longer he begs for forgiveness, the faster my anger fades. He sounds as heartbroken as I feel.
As heartbreak overtakes my anger, tears splash down my face. I stop fighting to be freed. I can barely breathe through the wetness flooding my cheeks, let alone resist a man I’ll never stop loving no matter how badly he hurts me.
Recognizing I’m no longer fighting, Noah lowers us to the ground before drawing me in tight enough we almost become one. “I’m so sorry, Em,” he repeats over and over again. “I never meant to hurt you. Hurting you was never my intention. I just...” He sighs. “I fucked up.”
I don’t know how much time passes with us sitting outside on the frosty, frigid ground. I’m not cold. Noah’s body assures mine remains nice and toasty. I just wish I could stop crying. Every time I catch a whiff of his delicious scent, I tear up all over again. He’s always smelled like home to me.
It takes several long, tedious minutes to get my crying under control. Once I do, I use my sleeve to wipe my nose before popping my head off Noah’s chest. Fresh tears burn my eyes when I see the devastation in his beautifully tormented gaze. He’s miserable.
He cups my cheeks before lowering his forehead to mine. No words escape his mouth, but he doesn’t need to speak for me to hear them. His remorseful eyes relay his sympathies.
“I’ll make this right, Em; I promise.” His eyes bounce between mine as the plea darkening them picks up. “I just need you to give me a chance.”
I stare at him, expressing my worries with as many words as he used to show his remorse. I’ve craved precisely this for months, but will it be enough to get me through our next span of time apart?
Fear grips my heart when a new emotion overtakes the remorse in Noah’s eyes. He’s hurting—badly. I've never seen him so insecure in his own skin. He truly believes losing me is the worst thing he’ll ever face. After everything he’s been through, that’s truly shocking.
Ignoring the shake of my hands, I cup his jaw before sealing my mouth over his. His lips stiffen in surprise for the quickest second before they part at the invitation of my lashing tongue. Our kiss expresses the words we can’t speak. It represents our love, understanding, and my added request for forgiveness.
The past two months have been the lowest of the low for me, but can I truly hold a couple of bad months against him when he has given me so many wonderful ones before?
It's pure torture pulling back, but I'd endure a thousand scars if they produced the same results. Noah's eyes are nowhere near as troubled as earlier. My kiss settled the violent storm in them.
“I’m truly sorry, Emily. I thought what I was doing would help us. I would have never done it if it meant I wouldn’t have a future with you.”
Chapter 33
Noah
Emily bites on the inside of her cheek as she struggles to control her tears. She has no clue everything I’ve been doing the past few months is for her. I want her to have the fancy things neither of us can afford. I’m just thankful she’s giving me a second chance to prove that.
When she ran away from me, I wasn’t sure she would come back. Usually, she runs into my arms.
My seven-hour flight home after pre-recording my performance on MTV became the longest seven hours of my life. I knew I was in for a battle when I touched down on home turf, but I had no clue Jenni would be my first obstacle.
She was pissed, hormonal, and didn’t give a fuck that I was the lead singer of her fiancé’s band. I only got through her barricade when I swore not only to fix all the errors I’d made, but also not to wake Emily. She wanted her to sleep off the tears she had shed the night before.
I know she was looking out for her friend, but her comment tore my heart to shreds. Knowing Emily was crying while I wasn’t there to comfort her was bad enough, but knowing I was responsible for her tears utterly gutted me.
Although it was a hard feat, I kept my promise to Jenni when I entered the guest room of her home. Emily was sleeping on her side, her hair a mess, and her cheeks showing signs of crying herself to sleep. The remorse strangling my heart doubled when she whimpered my name. It wasn’t the husky purr she usually makes. It was full of pain and anguish.
; Right then and there, I pledged to make things right between us. I don't care what it takes, or how much I have to give up; I'll give everything away before I'll ever let her go.
When I tell Emily that, she balks like I did when she cursed earlier. I've only heard her swear once in the near two years we've been together, so I was not only shocked, I was devastated. Her rare use of a curse word proved how badly I hurt her.
I’ll fix my mistakes though. Starting now.
Emily’s sunlit brown eyes bounce between mine when I curve my hand around her jaw. A spark of relief darts through them when I angle my head to align our lips. I get them within touching distance when a tormented scream shreds through my ears. “Noah, hurry!”
Cranking my neck back, I see Nick walking down the front stairs of his home, cradling Jenni under the crook of his arm. Jenni’s face is constricted as though she’s in an immense amount of pain.
Reading things more clearly than me, Emily jumps to her feet. “The baby!”
When she races across the dew-covered grass, I shadow closely behind. She fusses over her friend, soothing Jenni and comforting as only a woman would know how.
“It’s too early, Em...” Jenni’s declaration shifts to a scream as her hands dart down to her stomach. I don't know much about labor, but I'm reasonably sure her cry means she's being hit with an intense contraction. “He... can’t... come... yet.”
Emily waits for Jenni to stop grinding her teeth before helping her into the passenger seat of Nick’s big black beast—the same black beast that nearly claimed her life two years ago. “It’s okay, Jen; babies come early all the time. He’ll be fine. You just need to breathe.” She makes hee, hee, hoo, hee, hee, hoo noises like a Lamaze instructor would.
Jenni copies her until another revelation pops up. “My bag! I haven’t packed my hospital bag!”
