by Ana Balen
“Heather,” Nick tilts his head back and swallows when I let the fabric go and he can no longer see my nipple.
“Yes, Sir?” I breathe my question. God, I’m so wet I wouldn’t be surprised if the sheet under me has a wet pool on it. I can feel ever thread, every fiber of the old sheets scratching on my legs as I move my body trying to get closer to him even knowing it won’t help.
“Stop playing around, pretty girl. I need to see you,” he hisses. His hand goes down and like a hawk I track its every move, anticipating what he’ll do next. When his hand goes to the zipper of his pants and the tiny metallic sounds fills my speakers, I lose my breath. “I wish I could rip that fucking bra off you,” he continues to torture me with the slow movements of his hand, which is now inside his pants. “I wish I could lick your nipple, take it into my mouth and bite it so you could feel the fracture of the pain you’re causing me by letting me wait to see you and denying me ability to touch you.”
I don’t answer him. I lose all ability to speak the moment he pulls his rock hard cock out of his pants.
“Pretty girl?” I can hear the laughter in his voice, but I don’t care. I watch his hand going slowly up and down his hard shaft, the little circle he makes with his thumb at the top makes my mouth pool with saliva.
God, I can almost feel him in my mouth, can almost taste the sweet and salty taste of his cum.
“That’s it, baby,” he groans as I take my bra off and squeeze my breasts trying to relieve the pain. But it’s to no use.
My hand goes down my belly, my own touch evoking goosebumps on my skin.
“Nick,” I moan when he squeezes his cock, making the vein become thicker, giving the illusion of pulsating. Getting the same reaction from my clit.
“Pull your panties to the side, I want to see your pussy,” he whispers, his breathing shallow and fast. Just like mine.
I do as he says, laying sideways on the bed so he could see all of me, so he can see what his words are doing to me and immediately can feel how wet I am. Just the fleeting touch of my fingers causes me to arch my back and moan loudly, “Nick.”
“I’m right here, baby,” he says gently not looking away from my fingers.
“I wish you were here,” I say just as I give a little swirl to my clit, sending the shockwaves all through my body.
“Come home and I’ll be the one to touch you, you don’t have to do it yourself,” he half groans, half commands. But I can’t come up with a single word to say to him. Watching his hand gaining momentum, going faster up and down his cock, I mimic his movements and rub little circles just as fast.
“Fuck,” he explodes as I plunge my two fingers inside my pussy. Not able to keep my eyes open any longer, regretting that I’m going to miss a single second of looking at him, I close my eyes and watch a million and one colors burst behind my eyelids while my body convulses with the beautiful sensation.
“I’m coming,” I wanted to tell him I love him. I wanted to tell him I miss him. I wanted to tell him he’s doing all this to me. But the only sound that comes out of my mouth next is the loud scream as I climb the height only Nick can give me as I come.
“Heather, fuck,” I vaguely hear him groan.
When I open my eyes, I see him looking at me, his cum all over his fingers and hand, forgotten.
“You’re perfect,” he says casually like he just said the sun is yellow.
“Nick,” I whisper not knowing what else to say. The awe and love radiating from his eyes matches the ones flowing through my veins.
I want this man all to myself. I don’t say that as we say our goodbyes and my promise of coming back home soon.
I don’t say I love him.
I don’t say I need him.
I don’t say anything as my screen goes black.
But I can’t help myself as I’m in my bed surrounded by darkness. I give way to my daydreams.
And for the first time since it all started, I ask myself, what if?
*~*~*
“How’s he doing?” I ask the question that I’m dreading the answer to. But I need to know. I haven’t seen him in a long time. And the last time I saw him, he was a broken man, the shell of the one I used to know. Once, he was my rock, he was the one I went to for every single thing that I deemed wrong in my life and he always made everything better. He was my Dad. But as the time went on, as my mother left us, as the town got more and more nasty in their comments, as I got older, he started losing himself more and more, giving into temptation of the relief that only seeing the bottom of the bottle gave him. I never blamed him, never resented him, but it got so bad and coupled with what happened to me, I just couldn’t deal anymore. And I got out. After everything that he’s done for me, I did the same thing as my mother, I left him. I left him for something I considered better than what he was giving, to me, to her, even to himself.
“You haven’t seen him?” Erin’s eyes are wide. I know she can’t understand why I haven’t seen him. And no matter how many times I try to explain it to her, she always just tells me to stop being stupid and talk to the man. With how hard she’s supporting me with my decisions about my Mom and my life, that’s one thing she won’t give up on.
“No,” I sigh. I really want to see my Dad, the only thing that’s preventing me to go to him is the last memory I have of the man. He was so broken, basically a shell of a man I remembered as a little girl, when times were better, happier. He completely gave up on everything, stopped living and just was… existing.
“I thought with all that time you keep disappearing, you were going to him.” The hope she had in her eyes gives one more flicker before it disappears.
“No, he doesn’t even know I’m here,” I look away from Erin, I can’t bear seeing the disappointment written all over her face.
Her hand covers mine on the table and she gives me a big squeeze. “You have to go to him, Heather. It’s time.”
“Yeah, I know,” suddenly my mouth is dry and all I can feel is fear. Through all my life, one thing I was promising myself and kept reassuring myself, was that I won’t ever become her. I won’t ever be like my mother. The fact I’m her mirror image is punishment enough. And yeah, I did the exact same thing. The only difference is, I’m not married and don’t have a child. The rest… completely the same.
It could end differently. Since last night and my stupidity of fantasizing about an impossible future, that sentence keeps running through my mind.
It could end differently.
Yes, it could. And I’ll make sure it does.
I will not be like her.
I will not make the same mistakes.
I will not break up a family.
“You’ll be surprised at what you’ll find,” Erin squeezes my hand trying to assure me.
“I talk to him from time to time, but it’s always about less important stuff,” I rub my forehead trying to clear my mind that’s plagued with the not so happy memories. “At first he was just checking in if I’m okay, then I started to check in on him, but I always made a point to call before seven pm as you know that’s the time he really starts loosing himself and I can’t bear to hear him so devastated.”
“Just go,” she stresses. “Maybe it’ll give you an answer for your situation.”
“I already have an answer of what to do.” I whisper, the pain of my decision not letting me speak. She doesn’t say anything, just looks at me, her eyes reflecting the same pain I feel. “Speaking of answers,” I say cautiously. “Do you have one for yourself? Have you seen him again?” Graham coming back is a big thing. Especially with how they left it when he went away. She waited for him, but as the time never stops, she moved on. And now, when she’s finally in a good place, having Max and planning her wedding, he decided to come back.
“I have,” standing up, she takes our coffee mugs and goes to the sink and just stands there, giving me her back.
“Erin, honey…” my voice is small, I know what that means.
“Just
don’t, Heather,” she turns around and swipes underneath her right eye.
“But…”
“Leave it,” she says and starts walking out of the room. “Besides, you’re in no position to say anything.” Her words hit their mark. I know she’s lashing out of fear, not because she judges me. Still, the sting of them makes me flinch.
“I’ll just say this one thing and then I won’t but in, I’ll just support any decision you make,” I rush out to say, stopping her. “Don’t go down that path again, honey. Last time, it almost destroyed you. You gave that man three years and he wasn’t even here. And now when you have Max he decides to come back?” As I talk my voice rises until I’m almost shouting. I don’t care, the man left her alone after promising her the world. And she stayed behind waiting, hoping, dreaming. But it never came true. “Well, fuck that. Fuck him! Max is a good man. He’s good for you. Fuck, Erin, I can see how he looks at you, he’s half a second from coming down to his knees and kissing the ground you walk on every time you come near him. Do not give up what you found with Max just so you could give in and find the answers to the motherfucking question that doesn’t need to be ever resolved. Live your life. I’m begging you, babe, just live your life without any regrets from the past, because Graham sure as fuck doesn’t deserve your love. But Max does. And you know he does.”
I have so much more I want to say to her, so much more of the practiced speech, but she doesn’t give me the chance.
Her shoulders sagging, her head bowed, she doesn’t look at me, only whispers, “I’ll be okay, hon. You just go and see your Dad.” And with that she leaves.
*~*~*
“I fucked up, Daddy,” the words burst out of me. “I’m scared I’m becoming just like her.” Erin was right, what I found when I came to see my Dad is not what I was expecting. Gone is the shell of a man I once knew. Instead, he’s gained some weight, his face isn’t blotched with red stains anymore and his eyes are no longer glassy. Sure, there are new lines around his eyes and on his forehead, but that’s from living his life, not from drinking himself to death.
The smile he gave me and the fierce hug he enveloped me in was like going back in time when all was right in my world.
Unfortunately, the memories of my mother’s destruction came right on its heels and the shame started to consume me.
“No, you’re not.”
“How can you be so sure? You don’t even know what I did, what I’m doing.”
“And I don’t need or want to know. But one thing is sure. If you did become like her, you wouldn’t be so torn by guilt, you would only think about yourself and what you want, damn the consequences.”
“But…”
“No buts, baby girl. No buts.”
Chapter Four
Nick
I rush in the kitchen, anxious to get out since today I’ll finally see Heather.
I can feel how my shoulders are tense and no matter what I try I can’t relax.
I’m too pumped to do anything but rush to the office and when I see Claire sitting at the round table trying to get Ben to eat his breakfast, I all but groan because I know this is just another tactic of hers to get something out of me.
After the video call the last couple of days have been pure torture and I got borderline stalkerish with my texts and calls.
I even begged her to come back sooner, but she said she had some things to take care of first, some people to see.
At my demand to tell me who it is, she said nothing important. That was the moment my demons got out, and I called her.
“Who the fuck are you seeing, pretty girl?” I all but growled into the phone.
“Hello to you too, Nick,” her voice came out in a rush. She was breathing hard, like she was running somewhere.
“Answer me Heather,” the fear that the same thing was happening to me again, that the woman I love was pushing me away, was pumping through my system.
“And why would I do that?” If I was thinking rationally, I would hear the teasing note in her question. As it was, I didn’t.
“Stop fucking around and answer the goddamm question!” I roared.
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the call before she said in a stern voice. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are. But you need to cool down, Nick. I won’t tolerate this.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but from the complete shock I couldn’t.
She never talked to me like that before, never stood up for herself. She always did as I asked.
And fuck me, but this new version of her she showed me, turned me on like nothing before in my life did.
“You don’t deserve this information, but I was visiting my Dad,” she went on. “Now, I need some time to think, so leave me alone.” With that she hung up.
She didn’t answer her phone all day after. And when I finally got to hear her soft voice saying, “Nick,” as she answered the remains of her anger from the day before still clung to her voice. Hearing it, all I could say was, “I’m sorry.”
That’s all it took to bring her back to me, and today I’ll get to see her in person.
I don’t break my stride, I don’t even acknowledge Claire sitting there, just go straight to Ben.
I bend down, my face going straight to his neck and I inhale deeply. He’s growing up so fast, that baby scent almost completely gone now. Still, the sweet smell of his skin is my favorite, and every morning I do the same exact thing. Blowing out the breath right into his sensitive skin, making him giggle, I whisper softly, “Good morning, buddy.”
I don’t know what I would do without him in my life. Everything that I lived through this last year was with Ben in my mind.
“Daddy,” Ben screams in greeting, his high pitched voice bouncing off white walls. I kiss his cheek, half tempted to stay in and spend the day with him.
“Nick,” Claire’s call manages to vanquish that.
Not even looking at her, I stand straight, brush Ben’s hair, then go to the island to pick up my keys that I threw there last night after coming back to the dark apartment.
“Don’t start, Claire,” I say focusing on the dark veins in the white marble. “I have to go, I need to be in my office,” I don’t brother to elaborate any further. We’ve crossed the line where I need to tell her why I have to go. Besides, I don’t want to lie to her outright, even though what I’m doing behind her back is way worse.
Claire sighs, I can feel her eyes drilling in my back, before she whispers, “Okay, Ben, let’s give you a bath before we start with our day.” I have to give it her. No matter how ugly it became between us, she never was outright mean to me in front of Ben.
Fully expecting her to yell for Marina, Ben’s nanny, I’m surprised and can’t help but turn around to watch when I hear her laugh and say, “Did any of that get to go in your belly?”
She’s standing by the table now, watching Ben. He doesn’t answer her, just gives her a big smile while oatmeal drips from his hair and is smeared all over his face and PJs.
Sometimes, I feel like she’s really trying. Trying to get to know our son, trying to be a mother. Trying to get us back where we once were, a husband and wife. Unfortunately, I fear it’s too late.
Not just because I’m in love with Heather.
Because I don’t know if I could ever be able to trust her again.
I focus on my son’s happy face and long for times like this. For what could have been.
All three of us could be together in this precise moment, without me standing at the sidelines watching the scene play out before my eyes, if only Claire gave us a chance.
“What’s wrong?” Claire’s voice breaks and I look at her. Her face is pale, her posture became rigid as she looks at the equally pale faced Marina.
“Mr. Thomas is here,” Marina never liked Claire’s brother, not that I blamed her. I don’t like him either. The man drinks too much, brags about his conquests with woman even more. Not to mention his gambling problem that C
laire’s family tried to brush under the carpet.
He swears that that’s all in the past. Maybe it is. I wouldn’t know since I stopped spending any time with him after Claire basically threw me out of her life.
She looks quickly to me, then back to Marina. “Tell him I’ll talk to him later.”
Whatever is going on between them, I don’t want to know. And it gives me the perfect opportunity to leave.
I take the three steps that bring me to Ben, kiss the only clean spot on his face and murmur, “Later, buddy.”
Walking out, I don’t acknowledge the man that is staring at me or take another look back at the kitchen.
If I did, maybe I would see how scared Claire became.
And maybe I would step in.
The only problem is, she probably wouldn’t let me.
Chapter Five
Heather
I stand here right at the door, where I find myself constantly standing, looking at him.
God, he’s so beautiful.
I thought I knew every line of him.
Every expression of his face.
But looking at him now, I know I don’t or in the short time we’ve been apart, I forgot.
I forgot that his hair is so black it actually reflects sunlight coming through his office wall windows, his cerulean blue eyes pin me at the spot every time with the fire and need burning in them. His mouth so full you get the impression one bite out of them and the nectar would flow right into your mouth giving you life. Or the fact that his pectorals are clearly outlined and with every breath he takes they invite you to go to him, open up his shirt and start tracing them with your tongue, all the way down to his six pack and the outlined V he has right at his hips. The only thing I hadn’t forgot is how fucking lickable and beautiful his dick is.
God, I had to swallow the saliva that pours into my mouth just thinking of it pools in or I would choke.
