by Kira Harp
What do you do when someone you love has secrets?
My brother Justin and I were inseparable when we were small. Even though I was a girl, I was Robin to his Batman, Samwise to his Frodo. He's two years older than me, which isn't a lot when you're little kids, but it seemed to stretch to infinity as we hit our teens. Somewhere in there, maybe about the time I was twelve and he was fourteen, a wall went up between us and I found myself on the outside trying to catch glimpses through the cracks.
I'm not complaining about Justin. Well, I am, but I shouldn't be. I mean, how many fourteen-year-old guys would make any time at all for a twelve-year-old tag-along brat of a little sister? And Justin did. He didn't completely ditch me, and there were times he'd let me hang out with him and he'd let me talk to him. But over the next year or two I began to see he was only letting me in around the corners of his life. He listened to me, but he never talked about himself, and it hurt. He'd been my only real friend for so long, and now I felt like I barely knew him. By the time we were fifteen and seventeen, we rarely said three words to each other from one week to the next.
Still I'd never have started stalking him if it wasn't for Haley. Haley Braun. Doesn't that name just make you shiver? Well, it would if you saw her. Tight curls so black the highlights were blue, skin a perfect smooth olive-gold, dark eyes you could drown in. That Haley. My second friend.
We were sitting in my room, watching YouTube stuff and hanging out. Well, actually Haley was sprawled on her stomach on my bed watching random videos on my laptop, and I was sitting cross-legged only inches away, watching her. She said through a mouthful of tortilla chips, “Hey, Bri, this guy looks like your brother.”
I leaned toward the screen. “Yeah. A bit.” It was the back view of a young guy with a slim build and wavy brown-blond hair. He was doing some kind of complicated dive that involved a lot of bouncing on the springboard first. Haley bit her full lower lip. She seemed to be fascinated by the lines of the guy's back as he stretched his arms up. Do I have to say what I was fascinated by? I yanked my attention from her mouth back to the screen to see the guy perform some kind of cool flippy dive thing, and splash into the water. He did look a lot like Justin. I waited, but the video cut out before the guy came back to the surface.
“Hell, it could be Justin, for all I know,” I grumbled. “It's been years since I've had any idea what he does in his spare time.”
Haley glanced at me. “That bugs you?”
“No. Well, kind of.” I sighed. “It's just... we used to be friends. There was a time I could have just yelled down the hall, 'Hey, Butthead, did you take up diving?'”
Haley chuckled. “And he wouldn't have beat your face in?”
I shook my head. “He's not like that.” I swallowed hard, realizing how long it had been since I'd done something like that. I used to just wander down the hall when I was bored, and stick my head in his door to see if I could wheedle him into a session of Guitar Hero or even something boring like Scrabble. Now I had to knock, and often there would be nothing but silence behind that unrevealing wood, and I'd have to slouch disappointedly back to my own room. “He's busy a lot.”
“Doing what?” Haley rolled over on my bed and stretched, proving that she'd matured a lot more than I had, at least on the outside. Mm, that outside... it was distracting.
I unfolded my legs and stretched out on my stomach so it was harder to look at her, and pushed the play again on the video. It could be Justin... “How the hell should I know? He's out of the house more than he's here.”
“What does he tell your parents?”
“They don't care. As long as we bring home good grades and don't get arrested, they don't have much interest in us.”
“Really?” Haley's hand touched my arm for a moment and then fell away. “That's kind of sad.”
“It's okay.” It wasn't, actually, but I wasn't about to tell her that. That was part of what made my chest ache when I realized how little I knew about Justin these days. I'd always felt like Justin held the keys to understanding the universe. It was Justin who explained how the Humane Society worked when Mom wouldn't let me keep the kitten I found. It was Justin who figured out how to get us into the neighbor kid's pool party one hot summer day.
Our parents were nice enough, but, well, Dad's favorite way to spend his time away from work was in front of the TV with the sound up high. If I ever tried to talk to him about something important, I'd get a line like, “Well, on Star Trek when Counselor Troy's mother...” About there I would stop listening, because hell, if life was like TV it wouldn't be half as confusing. As for Mom, her career was taking off and when she wasn't flying off to conferences she was talking about Powerpoint, and proposals, and project budget meetings. If I talked to her, after a couple of minutes she would oh-so-subtly shift her arm so she could see her watch. Time was money, calculated by the minute, and I was probably costing her a mint.
So that left Justin. Only I didn't have Justin any more.
Haley replayed the diving video a couple of times and then sat up. “That looks so freaking much like him. Let's go ask him.”
“He probably isn't home,” I snapped because it sounded like Haley was getting a crush on my brother. That made me jealous six ways from Sunday. Haley wasn't just my first crush, she was my first everything. First real not-my-brother friend, first person I ever had over to my room since we moved here three years ago, first person who saw the real me and somehow still liked me.
If I'd had school friends before, I might have been less of a freak. But the best I'd had since I was about seven was acquaintances. In middle school, everyone around me had seemed to be exploding in a volcano of hormones. The girls were sprouting boobs, the guys were becoming hairy jerk-offs with loud mouths and feet the size of canoes. Every move seemed to be governed by who was watching it and what they might say to who else. And then there was me, in the corner with my mousy hair and my flat chest, and my nose in a book.
It could have been worse. I wasn't bullied, or not much. Sure, I got a few of those geek and loser comments, but no one cared enough to push the issue. Mostly I was invisible. Watching, wondering, trying to figure out the perfect opening, the thing that I might say that would show me to be witty and wise and friend-worthy. Unfortunately those lines tended to come to me in my room late at night, hours after the opportunity was past. Not that I'd probably have had the courage to say them anyway.
And then I began to realize I liked girls. I mean, I really liked girls. Boys were loud and crude and sweaty, with hair in uncouth places and a tendency to push and grab. Girls were soft and sexy and smelled good. I knew I had a problem though. Like being an uber-nerd wasn't enough? Being a lesbian would make it ten times worse. I had no plans to come out, like, ever. At least until college. But when Haley Braun walked into English class, first day of freshman year in high school, I was lost.
She was quiet too, but a different kind of quiet, like she just knew what she wanted and the rest didn't matter. She was tall, strong, and curvy where I was awkward. When she did speak up, she had a quick, confidence I envied. Not someone I'd ever have dared approach. But about two weeks in, I was walking out of class and I accidentally dropped the book I'd been reading under the desk. Haley happened to be right there and she picked it up and started to pass it back, then paused.
“The Dresden Files? The new one? You are so lucky! I can only afford to get them in paperback and the wait-list at the library is, like, into the next millenium.”
She held it out to me, and for once my mouth said the right thing at the right time. “This is a reread for me. Do you want to borrow it?”
That got me Haley's best smile, the one where her dimples show. I'd have given her the book, hell, I'd have given her the whole set to have her smile at me like that. “Wow, thanks, I'll get it back to you soon.”
“No rush.” I cleared my throat. “You know where to find me.” I blushed because how dumb was that?
But she grinned. “Yeah. Listen, I want to
start it right now. Hang out with me at lunch and keep the jerks away while I read?”
“Sure.” I didn't know the first thing about handling jerks, but having someone to sit with at lunch would be amazing. Having that someone be Haley? I was floating ten feet off the ground.
It turned out we shared a love of books and a snarky sense of humor. Over the next few weeks I went from a hermit to someone with a friend. My phone actually rang. Haley came over to my place and commandeered my bookshelves and DVDs. I was pulled in her wake in helpless, silent infatuation. Now, six months later, I'd got it together enough to sign things BFF with some belief in the F, and not doodle hearts in the margins of my notebooks. That didn't mean I was any less infatuated, but I thought I had it under control.
Although if she was going to start drooling over Justin we were going to have a problem.
Haley arched off my bed and up to her feet in one move, showing off her limber build. I got up more slowly. “What are you doing?”
“It's driving me crazy. I want to know.” She whirled out of my room and down the hall to Justin's before I was moving at all.
I caught up with her as she laid a hand on Justin's doorknob. “You'll have to knock,” I began, just as the door, unlocked for once, swung open under her touch.
Justin was sitting on his bed, dressed only in a pair of boxers. He had one leg crossed over the other, and was inspecting a foot that even I could see was bruised and swollen. His head snapped up at the sound of the door. For a moment his eyes met mine, and he stared at me like Haley wasn't even there. In that moment I took in the sight of him. Not just the injured foot, but a huge purple bruise on his hip under the waistband of his shorts, and another on his elbow. Across his ribs a line of odd red scrapes looked old and healing, two shallow parallel cuts tracked from his thigh to his knee, and on his shoulder fading marks in yellow and green lay under his pale skin.
“Get out!” His eyes blazed with sudden fury.
I hesitated, shocked at the evidence of violence. In a quick, decisive movement, Justin grabbed a long-sleeved T, yanked it on, and shoved the sleeves up to his elbows. “This is my room, Bri. You can't just fucking walk in here! Now get the fuck out!”
The curse words shook me out of my stasis and I backed up, shoving Haley behind me, and pulled the door shut. Justin cursed as much as anybody, but not at me. Never at me.
Haley looked at me with big, round eyes. She glanced at the shut door, and then seemed about to comment. I slapped my hand over her mouth, for once barely noticing the feel of her lips on my palm, and tugged her back to my own room. Not until we tumbled back inside my door did I let go of her.
“Wow, that looked harsh. You think someone's been beating on him?”
I shook my head, more in disbelief than denial. “I don't know. I really don't. He never says anything.”
Haley settled on my bed again and patted the spot beside her. “Can't be from diving, unless he's really crappy at it.”
I backed away from her. “You think it's funny?”
“No. God no, just trying to lighten the mood. Shutting up now.” She mimed a zipper across her lips.
“Shit. Fuck!” I rubbed a hand across my eyes. Justin was almost six feet tall, and the running he'd started back in middle school had put some muscle on him. He was wiry, but not weak. I couldn't imagine what it would take to put those marks on him. Or maybe I could.
“Some of those looked fresh and some looked old,” Haley said quietly.
“Yeah.”
“So whatever happened, it's not just a one-time thing.”
“I know.”
“Why would someone go after him? He's a cool guy.” We looked at each other. Her eyes were intense, and gorgeous. For once, Haley seemed to be aware of the heat that flooded through me, because her face slowly flushed. I couldn't look away.
Justin. Think about Justin. Well, I could think of one reason why a guy like Justin might be bullied, and didn't say it because it cut too close to home.
Haley's gaze dropped. “It's not right,” she said to the floor.
“Not like there's anything we can do.”
“You don't know that.” Haley looked up, her eyes bright. “Maybe there is. Maybe we can, like, see who it is and get them on camera or something. Warn them off.”
“That's dumb.” Although even as I said it, I felt a touch of warmth. How great would it be if for once I could protect the big brother who'd always looked out for me?
“It was just a thought.”
“No. Sorry!” I dropped to the bed beside her. “It's a good idea. Really. I just don't see how it could work.”
“We'd have to follow Justin.” Haley had regained her sparkle. “It would be good practice for me anyway, tailing somebody.”
“You're still thinking about becoming a detective?” I'd figured that was a temporary aberration brought on by the mystery book binge we'd indulged in.
“Yeah, I am. Cop first, detective eventually. Lucky for you, since it means I've been reading up about how to follow someone without being noticed.”
“I don't see how it can work. It's not like following a stranger. Justin knows us. Me especially. Don't you think he'll get suspicious if I keep turning up wherever he is?”
“Not a problem.” Haley leaned toward me, talking with animated hand gestures. “Really. My dad has a camera with an amazing telephoto lens. We don't have to get close. We can follow at a distance, and if something happens we'll shoot a bunch of pictures and get the evidence. It will be so cool. ”
“I don't know.” It felt wrong, to invade Justin's privacy like that. On the other hand, it wasn't like he was making it possible to do anything else. I sighed. “Let me talk to him. Maybe if I ask him outright, without you there, he'll talk to me.”
“Maybe. What if he doesn't?”
I thought about that for maybe three seconds. There was Haley, looking at me with eager eyes, and there was Justin, closed in his room with bruises purpling his skin. “Then we do it. Follow him and figure out what the hell is going on.”
“All right.” Haley grinned, and then sobered. She stood and put her hand on my arm again, right where she'd touched me before. “As much as it would be cool to solve a mystery, I hope we don't have to. Maybe he'll give you a better explanation. I'm going to head out so you can ask him. Call me later, okay?”
“Later.”
But after she'd gone, when I got up the nerve to walk down the hall and tap on Justin's door, my knock rang hollow and unanswered.
