by Mike Glenn
What it says is there is something about people who love God that is shown by the way they honor their parents. As in many other aspects of our lives, our actions are never dictated by others, but only by our obedience to Christ.
So, what does that mean? How do you honor a parent who isn’t worthy of the honor?
First, we’re grateful to them for giving us life. The circumstances of our birth may not have been idyllic, and our home life may never have been a Norman Rockwell painting, but for better or worse, you’re here, and you’re here because of them.
If for nothing else, we’re grateful to them and honor them for bringing us into the world.
Second, we forgive them. Most of the time, our mothers and fathers were doing the best they could. If they failed, they didn’t intend to fail. They made bad decisions without ever understanding the consequences of their decisions. Other times, mothers and fathers were mean and evil. Either way, forgiveness is something we offer to them, not something they ask for from us.
Forgiveness, simply put, is releasing the other person from the expectation they can fix what they did. If your parents hurt you, they could apologize a thousand times, and it wouldn’t heal the pain in your life. Only Christ can bring that kind of healing. No one else can do it. When we stop waiting for other people to “fix” what they’ve done, we are free to find another way to move on.
Third, if we can’t help, we don’t hurt. Again, our behavior is always in response to the grace of Christ in our life. Just because your mother or father hurt you doesn’t give you the right to hurt them. If it’s best for you not to have a relationship with your parents, fine, but don’t go out of your way to “make them pay” or “give them what they deserve.” Judging others isn’t in our job description. We don’t help anyone, including ourselves, when we only try to make things worse.
Next, ask yourself, what would you do for a stranger? If you didn’t know your mother or father at all, but they were simply someone who was going through a hard time, what would you do? Would you call them? Would you send a card? Would you visit? How would you act if you had no relationship with them at all?
In reality, this is where you are. The old is gone, buried with Christ. The new is possible in the resurrection of Jesus. You’re not going to rebuild the old relationship. That’s over. If there is to be a relationship at all, it will be something new Jesus does in the power of His resurrection. The greatest journeys all start with one step. Don’t be afraid to take small steps in this new relationship. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it wasn’t torn down in a day either. It won’t be rebuilt in a day either. Mercy takes its own time.
How would you act if your parent was a friend? Would you cook them a meal? Watch a ball game with them? Let’s face it. For some of us, being friends with our parents would be a victory worth celebrating. So, if you can’t be mother and child or father and child, can you at least be friends?
Let’s go back to the heart of this commandment. This is about you, not your parents. This is about the type of person you are and what you believe about redemption, grace, forgiveness, mercy, and love. This is where our theology of Easter is tested. Yes, I did say there are relationships beyond repair, but I also said these were rare. Truth is, there are very few relationships that can’t be mended or even made better.But it starts with you. What kind of relationship do you want? What do you need from your mother or father? What are you hoping they will bring to your life? It’s important to understand your expectations. Some expectations are unrealistic and can’t be met. Others are vital to what you’re seeking. Do you know what your expectations are? Can you share them? Knowing them might be a good place to start the conversation.
You’re free to take whatever steps you feel the need to take or led to take by the Spirit. We are not trapped by guilt or manipulated by neurotic needs. We are free in Christ to release old wounds and relationships. We are free in Christ to build new ones. We’re also free in Christ to let it go and never remember it again. In Christ, we have choices.
Just don’t expect to be perfect. Nothing in our world ever is. Sometimes, close enough or good enough is all we can expect. Don’t let your expectations be defined by others. All of your well-meaning church buddies will tell you to “trust God” or “just pray about it.” It’s good advice; it just doesn’t help very much in real life. Every situation is different, and there is no “one size fits all” response.
Coffee with Mom: Your parents’ anger at you is a left-handed compliment. They feel free to be angry at you because they know you won’t leave them. It doesn’t feel like a statement of trust, but it really is.
This is your journey. This is how Christ is working in your life to fashion you more into His likeness. Trust Him. Trust His ways. That will be enough. That will always be enough.
Chapter 21
The Best of “Coffee with Mom” Tweets
“Are you taking care of my Christmas shopping? You’re not getting anything for you, are you?”
“Bring me some of my Alabama stuff. Everybody around here is wearing Tennessee orange.” (Gotta love my mom!)
“I’m glad you came by today. I’m very busy this week, and I don’t have time to sit around and wait on you.”
“This biscuit is colder than a frog’s fanny. How do you expect me to eat a biscuit that won’t melt butter?”
“Well, if you’re not going to buy me a car, get me a chauffeur like that lady in the movie.”
“I heard you had the flu . . . I was praying for something worse.”
“You’re running a little late this morning, but you’re a Baptist preacher. You don’t know anything about time.”
“I wish I had something exciting to tell you, but we just sat around and looked at each other today.”
“I had a visitor yesterday. You know her . . . you know . . . oh, why can’t you think of her name?”
“Can you come back later? I’m playing the piano now.”
“My friends tell me you’ve been talking about me. How do you get on that Internet thing so I can talk about you?”
“You don’t understand, son. Without your dad, there is no ‘us.’ It’s just ‘me.’ I miss ‘us.’”
“I think I may try another church. I just know too much on this preacher.” (Meaning me, of course.)
When I told her I was tweeting her comments: “Well, now, everyone knows where you got your smarts from.”
“Your sermon was short. [I went about 22 minutes.] After all week, I thought you would’ve come up with a little more.”
Acknowledgments
No book is ever written by itself, and this one certainly wasn’t. There were countless people, too many to name, who were part of this journey. There were some, however, that Mom would have wanted me to be sure to mention.
I’m grateful for Dr. Paul Newhouse, whose care and treatment of my mother gave us a deep sense of peace that we were doing all we could do. His gentle way with Mom will not be forgotten.
Dr. George L. Holmes was her family physician and joined Mom’s care when she was already advanced in her illness. Still, Lanny knew what to say and what to do—both for my mom and for me.
The good people at Morning Pointe in Brentwood loved my mom well, especially Regie Ragland, Chris Phillips, and Lori Simpson.
The congregation of Brentwood Baptist Church gave me the space I needed to care for my mom and treated my mom like visiting royalty.
The Nurture Team of Brentwood Baptist Church welcomed my mom into their ministry and gave her meaning and purpose. Their love for her won’t be forgotten.
I’m grateful for her sisters, Dianne, Karleen, and Jenny, who supported my decisions and encouraged me along the way.
A special word of thanks to Beverly Clecker, Lorraine Quist, and Kim Cox. Mom loved going on adventures with you.
To my wife, Jeannie .
. . I couldn’t have done this without you. Your strength and wisdom got me through more than one day.
To Jaclyn Swencki, my executive assistant—how you kept all of this in order I’ll never know.
And to Devin Maddox, who thought a book like this may be helpful to some who are on this journey. I pray he’s right.
