by R. R. Vane
All Judith’s playmates had been commoners while she was growing up. She’d played with them rather furtively, because she’d known her mother disapproved of boisterous games. Yet Judith had loved those games the other children played, and she had cherished her borrowed time with them, coming to see these children were not so different from her. Perchance her mother was wrong. Tristram had kissed her ardently, so it was plain he would like an ardent response from her. Or… Judith recalled he’d hastily stopped his caresses. Had it been so because, just as her mother was now saying, she’d been too wanton in her response to his touch? And what did wanton mean? Was it wrong to feel so eager for one’s husband? She sighed, but she soon resolved all she needed to do was to ask Tristram plainly how things stood. They talked of many things, and she felt sure he would speak to her of this and tell her of those matters he already knew better than she.
She steered the talk upon other things, yet it was not long before she came to see Lady Fenice’s face was very pale, and her mother seemed to be wincing in pain from time to time. Judith knew only too well her mother’s heart pained her sometimes, and this time Lady Fenice appeared to be suffering more than she had before. So she felt loath to leave her mother’s side. Her mother made little of it, telling Judith to go to be with her husband, yet Judith started to feel worried at the suppressed pain in her voice. So she lingered, holding her mother’s hand and talking to her soothingly.
It was perchance an hour later that Dame Berthe came to look upon them.
“Why are you still here?” she asked in plain surprise, upon perceiving Judith still by her mother’s side. “What of your husband? He’s surely waiting for you in the bedchamber!”
Lady Fenice sighed deeply.
“I keep telling Judith she should go to him and do her wifely duty, but the child won’t leave my side.”
It seemed to Judith that Dame Berthe’s voice was sharp when she said, “Fenice, just let her be! She should be with her husband!”
“Why are you saying this? Can’t you see I’ve been urging her to go?” Judith’s mother retorted in a pained voice, and Judith felt it unfair that Dame Berthe should reproach her mother for a thing which was plainly not her fault.
“It is not Mother who’s been keeping me. I want to be here!” Judith said hastily.
Dame Berthe scowled at her, “I am here now, and have things well in hand. Off you go, to be with your lord!”
Judith started shaking her head, but Dame Berthe simply shooed her away.
“You are to go at once. We have no need of you at this time,” she said, now beginning to shove Judith out of the room.
Judith opened her mouth to speak, but Dame Berthe cut her off with a half-smile.
“Just go to him. It’s plain he can’t wait to hold you in his arms. So let him have his heart’s desire. I daresay you’ll be both happier for it!”
Dame Berthe was usually stern, and spoke but little, but her words had been spoken kindly, and Judith found herself suddenly cheered by them. She trusted Dame Berthe would let her know if her mother needed her help. So she rushed across the hall to where her bedchamber was, knowing the hour had already grown quite late and Tristram must have already waited long for her to come. Yet when she entered the chamber and approached the bed, she found Tristram already sound asleep in her bed, undoubtedly already weary from the long journey he’d undertaken to come here. He looked even more beautiful in his sleep to her, as she was able to peruse him at leisure. Hair the colour of honey, and dark eyebrows and lashes, in strange yet pleasing contrast with his hair. A straight nose and sinfully full lips. She longed to kiss those lips, but was loath to disturb him when he was sleeping so peacefully. Besides, he might not like it that she should kiss him while he was asleep. She found herself wondering what it was he would like her to do, knowing without a doubt she felt ready to do whatever he asked, because he wielded a strange power upon her.
She undressed to her shift with a sigh and went to sleep by her husband’s side. She had resolved to ask him of lovemaking in the morning. Certainly, she would feel shy to do it, but they were married now and she felt sure he’d set her mind at ease regarding the way a man and his wife should behave towards one another. She soon fell asleep, exhausted herself from the excitement of this day. She dreamt beautiful dreams, of Tristram, and when she woke up in the morning, she became aware she’d been sleeping in his arms. They had plainly sought each other out in their sleep, and now Tristram’s hard body was pressed against hers. He was still asleep, but his hand was now possessively cupping her breast and his hard manhood was poking hard against her bottom. Judith found herself smiling, and reached to caress the long-fingered, graceful hand he held upon her breast. Yet a knock on the door made her startle, and Tristram instantly stirred, opening sleepy eyes.
“My lady, your mother wants you at once!” a serving girl’s voice was heard from behind the door.
Judith jumped out of bed, and started dressing hastily, calling for the servant’s assistance. Her mother had been feeling poorly last night, and she’d selfishly thought only of her own enjoyment.
“Good morrow,” she called to Tristram as her serving woman was lacing the back of her gown. “I must go at once!”
Tristram sat up, rubbing his beautiful dark eyes, and nodded. She felt loath to leave him without so much as talking to him, but it was plain her mother needed her, so she mustn’t tarry. As soon as she was dressed, she raced to her mother’s room. It was with relief she saw her mother looked well and was having her breakfast.
“You gave me quite a fright! I thought you were unwell!” Judith said with a shake of her head and a relieved smile.
Lady Fenice frowned.
“That silly serving wench! I told her to say I wanted to see you when you could spare the time, but she’s obviously misunderstood.”
“No harm done,” Judith said in sheer relief. “I’m glad you’re well.”
Lady Fenice beckoned her.
“Since you’re here, could you fetch me a half of spoon of sugar? My stomach feels rather poorly this morn, and you now hold the key to the spice chest.”
Judith nodded, because indeed she now held that key, as well as several other keys in their household, chained on her belt. In the past months, her mother’s health had worsened and she’d delegated upon her daughter the tasks which had been once hers. Besides, Dame Berthe now seemed quite adamant Judith should learn her chatelaine duties, saying they’d been too long postponed. Judith was glad of these lessons, but her days had become increasingly busy, because she now also had to fulfil duties which other times had fallen upon her father. Sir Roderick and their steward helped, yet there were things which needed a lady’s or a lord’s attention, including settling disputes in the villages under their care. Judith knew she had a full day ahead of her, although, in truth, she would have loved to idle about and spend it showing Redmore to Tristram. She reasoned she should do so, no matter how busy she was. At this time, she raced down the stairs to the kitchens, to fetch the sugar her mother had asked for. Sugar was a dear spice, and her mother had always impressed upon her the spices in this house should be dispensed only by the lady of the house.
It was upon her return, when her hand was already on the doorknob of the solar, that she heard worried voices.
“Did you hear something? Is it Judith?” Dame Bethe’s loud voice asked.
“No… Not yet… Quick, I’ve something to ask you before she gets back,” her mother’s hasty voice cut in.
Judith frowned, and was flustered. She wanted to leave, because it was not like her to listen upon doors, but the distress in her mother’s voice made her pause.
“How does this husband of hers look upon her?” Lady Fenice asked. Her voice was loud and it seeped with worry.
Dame Berthe laughed. “Didn’t you see for yourself? He has eyes only for her. I am so glad. And such a handsome, well-spoken man! Our Judith has made a lucky match for sure.”
“I do not know. You see, I’ve had word
from my sister. She was at Court while he was there. It seems…”
Here Judith heard her mother sigh.
“From what my sister tells me, he’s dallied with quite a lot of women during the past year – commoners... Noble ladies too. I fear it was not pressing business which kept him away from my daughter, but other things.”
“You do not say!” Dame Berthe exclaimed in chagrin. Yet after a short while she added, “He is young and handsome and they were apart for too long. You know as well as I that many men don’t keep faith with their wives when they are not with them! But now he is with Judith. And by the way he’s been looking at her, I do not think he’ll stray if Judith gives him what he craves. A man who is well-pleased is less bound to stray, as you know.”
“Still, I fear he will, and you know Judith. She’s kind and gentle and caring! Her heart’s too tender, and I fear he’ll break it. She cares for him already far too much, didn’t you see?”
“Then you mustn’t tell her any of this!” Dame Berthe suddenly spoke and her voice sounded sharp. “What good would it do her to know of it? If it is true he’s already strayed, then she can do nothing about it now. What’s done is done. And if he treats her right and kindly, why does it even matter if he strays from time to time? Men do sometimes. I’m quite certain mine did a couple of times or so, but I never sought to learn the truth of it. He was away on long trips then, so I’ve never thought to hold that against him.”
“Yet Judith is different from you and so tender! What if she learns of it? What if it breaks her heart?”
Judith had heard enough. She rushed down the stairs, biting her lip hard until she tasted blood. And she ran hard – so hard she didn’t even have time to perceive when she was out of the bailey. She paused only when she reached the moat bridge, to catch her laboured breath. Tears already seemed to choke her, but she kept them at bay and tried to reason. It was not as if she’d expected Tristram to keep faith with her when he’d not even coupled with her. And they’d been apart for more than a year. She must strive to understand this and forgive his transgressions as a good wife should. Just as Dame Berthe had said, this didn’t mean he would stray from now on, as long as they were together and shared the bed.
Pulling her shoulders back, she retraced her steps, telling herself she had no right to be angry with her husband. Yet that deep pain in her heart simply wouldn’t go away, as if something had crushed it with a hammer and shattered it into a thousand splinters. She tried to dismiss it, berating herself, knowing Tristram was not truly the one at fault in this. She was. Whenever she thought of him, she was mad with longing, as if she’d taken leave of her senses. And just as her mother had said, her heart was far too tender.
When at last she glanced upon Tristram, he seemed so immeasurably beautiful to her that she felt ready to forgive him every past or future transgression. And she understood in deep distress that this man would be able to do anything he willed with her because she already worshipped the ground he walked on. And she felt afraid of what lay in her heart.
“Oh, here you are! Perchance we may spend this day together, and you can get me acquainted with Redmore,” Tristram told her with his bewitching smile.
And Judith wanted to eagerly acquiesce to anything he wished. However, she ended up shaking her head, coming to understand her mother was right. She’d already surrendered her heart to Tristram. He had every power over it. And it would hurt a thousand times more than it had today if he chose to break it again.
“Perchance another day. I’ve pressing business,” she muttered, and her own voice sounded cold and strained to her ears.
She needed her time away from him to sort out how to deal with the strange power her husband now wielded over her entire life. Tristram’s handsome face held a brief flicker of disappointment, but he soon shrugged it away.
“Of course, I understand. I’m here to stay awhile. There’s plenty of time ahead.”
Judith nodded tersely, loath to look at him. Whenever she looked at Tristram, she felt ready to fall into his arms, so she restrained herself, thinking upon Redmore and upon her mother as things which would give her strength to look ahead.
Chapter 13
Present time, 1174
Judith’s mother was gazing through the window when Judith came into her room. Lady Fenice soon glanced upon her daughter.
“I’ve spoken to your husband,” she said.
“Oh,” Judith muttered, striving to appear unconcerned. “What was it that you spoke about?” she then added.
“Not much. He still does not know what the fate of your aunt Edith will be, but we’ll learn of it soon enough. Her husband’s fallen in the rebellion against Henry, and the king is angered by the part they both played in the fight against him. Yet perchance Henry will forgive her. Our family has high standing, and he’s not bound to soon forget it!”
Judith nodded. She didn’t particularly care for her aunt, who was a cold, querulous woman, yet she felt sorry for her and mourned her uncle who’d fallen during a siege mere months before. She’d prayed for his soul and she’d also thought of her step-cousin, hoping Henry would be wise enough to forgive young Raymond for the part his parents had played in the rebellion. It was a relief that Lady Edith’s own daughter, Emma, had already married a powerful lord and was safe in Normandy. Henry’s vengeance would not fall upon Emma or her husband, who’d played no part in the rebellion. However, Aunt Edith and her husband, Raymond’s father, had been among Eleanor’s staunchest supporters.
“We’ll learn soon enough. There is, unfortunately, little we can do at this time for both Edith and Raymond. We live on my lord Tristram’s sufferance.”
“Aye,” her mother echoed sadly. “Now Tristram bid me to tell you to forgo your defiance and submit to him.”
Judith suppressed a bitter laugh. So this was how it was? It was not enough for Tristram that he’d humiliated her and continued to do so every day. Now he wanted an even more blatant show of humility. She smiled savagely, cursing him to Hell and fully recalling her abject enjoyment of both his caresses and of his spankings. He’d already perceived she panted like a bitch in heat for everything he did, and not even that was enough for him. What more did he want of her that he hadn’t already taken? He’d always had her heart, and now he had her body, and still he craved for more, to see her humbled and at his feet just to get his revenge.
“It’s best you appear chastened. No good can come of your defiance, even if we both know you now hate him!” her mother said in an entreating voice, and Judith nodded with a deep sigh.
Certainly, her mother spoke wisely, because there was Redmore and its people to consider, and nothing good could come of their lady defying the new lord. Still, her mother did not have the right of it. Judith did not hate Tristram. She simply could not. Because she’d always loved him, no matter how wretched his behaviour to her might now be.
“I shall strive to do so,” Judith said between gritted teeth, hating herself for loving Tristram.
Later that night she could hardly bear to look upon him, but the mad, treacherous heat and her shameless desire for his touch still burnt bright within her.
“Have you spoken to your mother?” he asked coldly, after she’d readied herself for bed.
When she’d come into the chamber, she’d found her husband already dressed for the night, as was his custom. He wouldn’t even undress in front of her, the fiend, certainly knowing how much she would like to look upon his beautiful naked form. And while they’d coupled several times during the last days, Tristram had never even deigned to kiss her. He was most certainly set on punishing her for what she’d done, as if her love and lust for him weren’t punishment enough for her already.
“I have,” she found herself replying just as coldly. “Next time, if you have things to tell me, I’d rather you told me yourself, not rely upon others to convey your message.”
He arched a dark eyebrow at her.
“Wilful and defiant,” he tossed. “To thin
k once I thought you gentle and sweet. And let us not forget, we should add deceit to your flaws.”
Judith found she’d had enough. Spank her he would, no matter what she did, and then he’d love her hard and ardently. There was no helping how things were between them now, so she might as well speak her mind.
“What of your own flaws? What of your own deceit?” she cried.
His dark eyes widened at her, and then they lit in sheer anger.
“When did I ever deceive you?”
Judith bit hard into her lip, belatedly recalling she’d promised to behave wisely, because she was still the lady of Redmore.
“No matter,” she said wearily. “I do not wish to speak to you, and it’s plain you do not wish to speak to me. So what more is there to it? Chastise me then – as hard as you like, then have me! It’s the only thing you wish to do anyway, is it not?”
“When did I ever deceive you?” he called out again, dismissing her words.
And suddenly Judith felt it was too much to bear. She felt like shouting at him in deep rage and pain, and throwing at him those treacherous, heart-wrenching words he’d spoken to her all those years ago. Tristram, you lied! You lied to me when you told me you loved me! she cried within herself. Instead, she fled the chamber, hoping he wouldn’t give pursuit. She sought the comfort of her mother’s solar, knowing Tristram would not dare to come seeking her there if he wished to punish her.
And Tristram didn’t come at all, but Judith supposed she would soon get her punishment for the way she’d acted. The next morning she woke up wearily, after a night which had been mostly restless, and she went about her duties, knowing she would soon get to bear the brunt of Tristram’s vengeance upon her. She was aware she was behaving unwisely, but she could not behave otherwise. Fortunately for her, both Tristram and his cousin had gone to visit the village, and Lord Bertran was the only one of their party to keep her company. She found him good-natured and amiable, and knew from her earlier years with Tristram that he and her husband were good friends. Now she distinctly recalled she’d met him upon her wedding, yet she’d been so flustered by what had happened when Redmore had been captured that she had been unable to even recognize him.
