by E. Reltso
CHAPTER FOUR
THE CAN OF LOVE SPRAY
Once there was an inventor who got tired of inventing the usual new-fangled things that nobody ever heard of, like binocular contact lenses, water-filled shoes for tired feet, or anti-lazy pills for teenagers. He wanted to invent something really different and unique—something that might actually do some good in the world.
He thought and thought, and finally decided that the world was too unfriendly and needed more love in it. Not the romantic or physical kind of love, but simple caring, concern and sincere compassion for other people. And so, he set to work to invent some type of love-inducing substance that would make people instantly start to care for one another.
After five years of beating his head against the wall, trying bzillions of different substances to see if they would work, giving up in despair 15 times, and repeated psychological counseling, he finally invented ‘love spray.’ It came in a handy aerosol can, and all you had to do was spray it in the air around people, and they would instantly develop true love and concern for everyone around them, which lasted for about an hour. (It also came in handy travel size spray cans that met airline safety standards)
The inventor was so excited about his new invention that he started to use it immediately. He first sprayed it in the lab where he worked with several other inventors. They were usually a friendly bunch, but sometimes got on each others’ nerves. They also criticized anyone who invented something that actually worked, since they were jealous that they hadn’t invented it first. After using the spray, the inventor was pleased at the new sense of harmony in the group. None of them called him a dolt or said his spray would never sell, like they normally would have done out of jealousy. Instead, they were very kind and encouraging to him—although one of them did pull him aside and suggest, in a spirit of pure charity, that he ought to consider using breath mints when he talked with people in close settings from thenceforth.
Elated by this success, the inventor decided to give the spray a real acid test. He went to the courthouse, and sprayed it as discretely as possible in a courtroom where a highly contested divorce case was being heard. To his surprise, the divorcing couple did not make amends. Instead, they both immediately rescinded all claims to the property they had been fighting over for years (they jointly decided to give it to charity instead), then shook hands, fired their attorneys, and went their separate ways never to see each other again. Meanwhile, their attorneys, after overcoming their shock, went out and bought each other lunch (since the spray had hit them too), and spent the rest of the day apologizing to each other for all the despicable things they had said about each other behind each other’s backs for the last several years.
The spray seemed to be working, although sometimes in unexpected ways, so the inventor decided to try it out at the state legislature. Upon entering a room in which there was a particularly heated debate between opposing political parties on a tax increase, he sprayed it profusely around the room (to avoid questioning stares, he told everyone he had been sent over by the governor with some air freshener, because the governor had heard they were talking about taxes). The change was immediate. The arguing stopped, people who previously had despised each other actually smiled—and then everyone quickly left the room. The inventor was dumfounded. When he went out and asked the secretaries where the debating parties had gone, he learned that most of them had suddenly rushed in and announced they were taking the day off. Almost every one of them said there was a friend or family member they had to meet and spend time with, and that doing so was more important than taxes. Then they had each rushed out the door.
Somewhat confused, the man pondered where to try his spray next. After thinking for awhile, he decided to try it on a particular couple he knew. He was curious what effect it would have on them, since they had been living together without being married for over a year. What would the spray do to people in that circumstance?
Upon entering their apartment, he claimed that he saw a fly, and immediately sprayed the entire room, saying that he was using fly spray. Once again, the effect was immediate. The couple looked at each other, then asked if he would excuse them for a minute. They went into the kitchen and closed the door where he could hear them talking in muffled voices. Then they came out, and the man went into the bedroom while the woman came over and started to talk to the inventor, asking him how he was doing and so forth.
Hardly able to restrain his curiosity, the man asked if there was a problem between them. “No,” said the woman with a smile. “For the first time, everything is all right. Jerry is leaving. He’s packing now. We talked it over, and he apologized, and told me he had never really respected me until that moment. He said he couldn’t keep using me, and that we had to either commit to each other immediately in marriage, or he had to go. I felt the same way, and so we decided it’s over between us. It’s sad, I suppose, but in a way it’s wonderful too. Here, have a chocolate.”
The dumfounded inventor declined the chocolate, stammered a confused good-bye to the former couple, and quickly took his leave.
The inventor went to a city park where he could think. The spray wasn’t having the effect on people that he had expected at all. He had never thought that love and compassion would bring about such odd results.
As he was contemplating, and trying to figure it all out, he noticed a mother and young boy nearby. The boy had mud on his face, and the mother was trying to patiently talk him into going home to clean up. In response, he rudely refused and said he wanted to keep playing.
On a sudden impulse, the man decided to try the spray on them. This time he told them he was from the city, and was spraying to stop a malaria epidemic. The effect was again immediate. The mother stopped talking to the boy, and to the inventor’s amazement, grabbed the boy, put him over her knee, and started to spank him! Meanwhile, the boy started crying and apologizing for his behavior. Then the mother hugged her son with tears in her own eyes, after which the two left for home.
Now the man was really confused. The spray seemed to have caused the mother to act with violence! Surely that wasn’t love, or compassion! And it had broken up a couple who everyone had thought loved each other. And it had terminated a political debate. And it had failed to reunite a divorcing couple! None of this made any sense!
As the man walked slowly back to his car, thinking deeply on what he had witnessed, he saw a police officer standing by the parking meter next to his car. The man’s heart sank. He had forgotten to put money in the meter!
Then a sudden inspiration came to him. He would use the spray on the officer! Surely, he would then avoid a ticket.
“This your car?” asked the police officer, as the man came up to him.
“Yes,” replied the man. Without hesitation, he then sprayed the officer in the face. This time, he didn’t offer any explanation as to what he was doing.
“I don’t know why you did that,” said the officer with a smile, “but I suddenly feel so happy I don’t care. And do you know what I’m going to do with this ticket?”
“Tear it up?” said the inventor with a huge smile on his face.
“No,” said the officer unexpectedly. “I’m going to cite you for another violation, in addition to parking. Your rear-view mirror on the left side is cracked. That’s a safety violation, you know. I wasn’t going to cite you for it, but now I suddenly feel like I have to. What if you had an accident and hurt someone because you couldn’t see in your mirror? You wouldn’t want that, would you?”
The inventor stammered that no, he wouldn’t, and unhappily took the double ticket from the smiling officer. The officer then took him by the hand, looked into his eyes, and said in deepest sincerity, “I truly hope you have a good day.” Then he left.
The man was now almost beside himself with frustration. Was the spray working, or wasn’t it? Why was everything going so weird every time he used it?
Slowly the man
drove home. He just couldn’t figure it out. He had thought the spray would get him out of a ticket—and now he had two! Why would an officer who suddenly loved him do that to him?
Arriving home, the man parked his car and went inside. His wife greeted him cheerfully, and asked why he was home so early. “Just a slow day at the lab,” he said. Then he had another inspiration. Without warning, he reached over and sprayed her with it.
His wife just looked at him for a second, then said, “After 10 years of living with your inventions, I’m used to things like that.” Then she went about her housework just like normal! She didn’t treat him differently at all!
The man was again dumfounded. Hadn’t her love for him increased? Wasn’t she going to at least sit him down in the softest chair, hand him the remote control, and offer to get him a snack from the kitchen?
But she didn’t do any of those things. She just hummed to herself, smiled at him, then went and started cleaning out the sink disposal.
The man sat down heavily in a chair, and stared hard at his can of love spray. What on earth did this stuff do to people? Why wasn’t it working right? Had he messed up on the ingredients?
And then he received his greatest inspiration. Without any hesitation, he pointed the can at himself, and sprayed.
Instantly, he felt something come over him. It was a sensation that was vaguely familiar, since he had occasionally felt it before, but not very often. He couldn’t describe why, but all of a sudden, he loved the whole world and everyone in it! In amazement, he knew that he really and deeply loved them.
But that wasn’t all. He also instantly knew a number of things, some of which surprised him. He knew that the best way to show his love for others was not to impose on them or fawn on them, but simply to respect them, encourage them gently, and then leave them be. He knew that his wife already loved him so deeply that there wasn’t anything additional she could do to show her love. And he knew that he needed to go into the kitchen and help his wife with the disposal, and apologize to her for a few things he had said and done lately, that she had (very charitably) been willing to overlook. After that, he knew that he would take her out shopping, then treat her and the kids to dinner. (At the restaurant, he ran into many of the legislators that he had seen earlier that day, with their families).
And last of all, he knew that he had to destroy the love spray. Although he had devoted much of his life to making it, he knew that it was wrong to use it. It was only because he was filled with love that he had the strength to admit that the spray was a counterfeit. People needed to develop love on their own, and to pay the price for it individually. If they got it any other way, their opportunity for personal growth was being robbed from them. Because the inventor now loved everyone so deeply, he knew he could never use the spray again.
And so, he quietly got up, went into the kitchen, dropped the spray into the garbage can, and went over to the sink disposal.
And you can be sure he made his wife very, very happy.
MORALS:
1 Next time you go to the capital to attend a legislative hearing on taxes, make sure to bring several cans of air freshener.
2 Since only those who truly feel and experience love can understand it, most of us think it’s something that it isn’t. Therefore, since true and sincere love will often result in behavior that is unexpected, it’s better to either ignore others or treat them badly, since the consequences will be more easily predictable.
3 If you see someone in a white lab coat approaching you in a park with a can of spray, it’s time to run the other way as fast as you can go.
