As the train throttled through the city and into the countryside, Emma pulled out a book she’d been dipping in and out of for the past few months, trying to think of anything but her aching heart, filled with dreams that would never be realized. An hour later she shoved the book in her bag and made the blustery trek from the train station to a cab, which pulled up outside Allison’s place ten minutes later.
She took a long, soothing breath standing on Allison’s front stoop. While every muscle in her body was tense and screaming to run away, she forced her hand into a tight fist and knocked on the door. When it opened, she plastered on an only half-fake smile to see her best friend cupping her heavily pregnant belly.
“You’re here! Thank God, I was about to send out a search party.”
Before Emma could say anything else, Allison engulfed her in a sweet-and-spicy-perfumed hug that sent warmth from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She suddenly felt awful for thinking so selfishly about her feelings when today was clearly about Allison. Her friend had missed her and was genuinely excited she was here.
“Come on in, you’re letting out all the heat.” Allison took her hand and practically pulled Emma into the foyer, slamming the door against the bitter cold at her back.
“What can I get you to drink?” Allison turned back to Emma, ignoring the rest of the packed kitchen and living room that was overflowing with women. “Who am I kidding, red wine, right?”
“That’s perfect, thanks.”
Emma shrugged off her coat and went to the closet, grabbing a hanger before Allison appeared in front of her holding a huge glass that was practically filled to the brim.
“I know how much you hate these things, so I got you a little ammo,” she said with a grin. “Food’s all over the place. You know to help yourself, right?”
“I got it.”
Emma barely got the words out before Allison kissed her cheek and was off being the perfect hostess and social butterfly. It was her party, so Emma expected nothing less.
She stood by the giant coat closet in the foyer, soaking up the heat in the room as some slow pop tune poured out from fancy speakers. She could grit her teeth and bear it. It was only for a few hours, at the most, and she was armed with amazing red wine. Emma took a healthy sip and a sigh of pure pleasure escaped her—her best friend really did have the best taste in wine. It was a silver lining to what could prove to be a long and painful night.
With a fortifying deep breath, she weaved her way into the crowd. A few people smiled, caught her eye, but the majority of them were strangers. No one here ran in the same circles as she did, unless there were elite lawyers hiding in the crush of people.
“Time for presents!” Allison cried out. “Pile into the living room, everyone!”
While the general assembly funneled into the already overcrowded living room, Emma took the second of hesitation to duck out of the crush and head out onto the back deck. It was insanely cold, but that was better than watching her best friend coo and exclaim over her adorable baby presents. It wasn’t that she was hateful, or jealous—
“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”
Emma turned to watch Makenzie walk toward her, a bottle of wine in one hand and her wine glass in the other. She hugged Emma with one arm before refilling her glass and sticking the bottle in the snow.
“I didn’t even know you were here yet. Why didn’t you say?”
Emma was silent. Unsure how to approach any of what was going through her head without making Allison’s big day all about Emma. Instead, she shifted from foot to foot and continued looking out at the clear night sky. The exact same one that she had looked at ten years ago with Sean, before they had their brief affair and then it was over.
She suppressed a small sniffle, but as Makenzie reached out her hand and drew Emma closer into her body, Emma couldn’t keep it in anymore. The truth was coming out; it was that or explode.
“You remember that night I had with the guy on the yacht, when we went on spring break together?”
“Sean? Of course, he was a hottie with a body. Who forgets that?”
“Um, probably most normal women. It’s been ten years,” Emma laughed a bit through her impending tears, her voice cracking.
“What’s going on, Emma? Why bring this up now?”
Emma licked her lips, refusing to look over at her best friend. If she looked at Makenzie, she might never get out the words.
“It’s obvious my dating life since then has been in a bit of a stall…”
Kenzie squeezed her hand again, but thankfully, said nothing in the way of commentary.
“It’s not that I haven’t met any nice guys. There have been plenty of them…but none of them who really fit me. Nothing with passion. Sweet, nurturing, supportive, but dull…not a single one that left me with chills and tingles.”
“Nothing that got your lady bits steamy, you mean?”
“Oh my God, yes, Kenzie, that’s what I mean.” Emma burst out laughing, wiping under her eyes as her sad tears turned into disbelieving ones. Had she really just said that out loud? “Anyway, I haven’t found anyone like Sean, so I never settled, and I put all of my efforts into my job. That’s what makes me happy. But over the past couple years, I started thinking that I don’t want to miss out on having a family just because I haven’t met the right guy yet.”
She could practically see her friend swell with questions, but Emma held up her hand and swigged another hefty sip from her glass. “Before you say anything, please just let me finish.”
Makenzie’s excitement was palpable. But the other woman managed to contain herself as she listened to the rest of Emma’s story.
“A few months ago, I started looking for sperm donors. That part was easy enough, but things didn’t progress as they should have, and eventually my doctor recommended I try IVF. Well, that didn’t work either. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong, so they kept doing tests. Then, two weeks ago, they asked me to come in, and they told me… they told me it’s unlikely that I’ll ever be able to have my own biological children.”
The bomb popped out of her mouth into the night air between them, and a second later Makenzie was tugging Emma into the tightest hug she had ever received, whispering how very, very sorry she was.
That was it. The dam broke and all of Emma’s pent-up emotions came flooding out of her body. That was the first time she had said the words out loud, the first time she’d given them any kind of acknowledgement. Now that they were out in the world, everything seemed too real.
“Oh, sweetheart. Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Makenzie smoothed a hand over her friend’s hair.
“I was…embarrassed, I think.” Emma spoke through soft sobs as icy air burned her lungs. “With you and Allison both married with families, I felt like I’d failed at something that was supposed to come naturally to me. I didn’t want to make tonight all about me. I didn’t want to admit to myself that it was even my reality.”
“Shh, I understand, sweetheart. I get it. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Please don’t say anything about adoption. I know I have options, but—”
“It’s a shock when you can’t have your own, Emma. You don’t need to explain it to me.”
“Thanks.”
Emma pulled back and tried to wipe away her tears and snot as Makenzie helped her, wiping under her eyes with a cocktail napkin she had smuggled in her coat.
“Please, Kenzie.” Emma blew her nose and looked through the glass door at all of the people who were back in the kitchen, talking and laughing, oblivious to the scene going on outside. “You can’t tell Allison. Not yet. The last thing I want to do is spoil her party.”
“Um…”
Makenzie pulled away and Emma looked up to come face-to-face with Allison. A millisecond later her friend had crossed the few feet between them and enveloped her and Makenzie in a three-way hug that only made Emma start crying again.
“I’m so sorry, Al
lison,” Emma half-sobbed. “I didn’t mean to ruin the mood for your party, I’m really so happy for you—”
“Honey, this is just a stupid party. Don’t think anything of it. What you’re going through is far more important than a bunch of Stewart’s work friends and some other mother’s from Bailey’s daycare.” Allison waved away the very idea and squeezed Emma again. “Why didn’t you tell us anything sooner? We could have been there for you. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must have been to go through everything alone. God, you’re way stronger than I’ll ever be!”
Emma smiled weakly and swallowed, thankful for the glass of water that Allison had brought out as she offered it to Emma.
“You want to know something, sweetheart?”
As Allison was known to do, she didn’t wait for an answer.
“Stewart and I had trouble conceiving in the beginning, too. But I didn’t tell anyone because I felt the same thing you’re feeling right now.”
Emma shook her head and bit her lip, somewhat soothed by the fact that her best friend had also had issues. She’d had no idea, something that seemed unbelievable in that moment.
“We conceived via IVF in the end,” Allison went on, “but before we found out that the last round had been successful a friend recommended this doctor—”
“No. Nope, stop right there, Allison. I don’t want any more recommendations or referrals, none of that. I’m sick to death of being prodded and poked, and I’ve already been told that nothing on the market will fix my issues—that’s why I haven’t gone back to my doctor in weeks.”
“That’s the thing though, Emma, what this doctor’s offering isn’t on the market. He’s pioneering a new form of IVF and for all we know, you could be the perfect candidate for the trials. I think I still have the business card somewhere around here…”
“I’m really not sure, Allison. That sounds like a lot to bank my hope on and I really need a break from feeling like a science experiment. Besides, shouldn’t we get you back to your party? Your guests are going to start wondering where you are.”
“Eh, let ’em. You’re more important to me than anyone else inside that house.”
“While that’s sweet and all, we’re slowly freezing to death…so my vote is for going inside, okay?” Makenzie chirped, grabbing the bottle of wine she had plunged into the snow.
Emma grinned, feeling warmed in spite of herself thanks to her friends’ unwavering support.
“I’m with Kenzie on this one. Let’s go back to your party.”
Chapter 8
Emma
Emma dropped her purse on the floor, closed the door to her apartment with her back, and closed her eyes, sighing with relief. The rest of the party had been relatively easy. Much nicer now that both of her best friends were in on her secrets. She immediately went to the couch and got ready for her late-night meeting. When that was done, she laid back on the couch, her files spread out all over the floor, couch and table.
Exhaustion pinned her to the fluffy cushions, but curiosity got the better of her as she moved back to her purse. After a little bit of shuffling, her hand came up with the business card Allison had slipped it into her palm right before she left. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and Emma really hadn’t felt like going toe-to-toe with her best friend after such a rescued night. So, she was stuck with it. She had been steadfastly ignoring it for the better part of the train ride, going back to her book instead, but now that all of her tasks were done for the night, the card crept back into her thoughts.
“Time to look you up, buddy,” Emma breathed.
She pulled up her internet browser, cracked her neck, and typed in the website on the card for Dr. Sean Fisher, MD.
The website looked professional, the navigation was nice and the reviews seemed legit. She read through the various pages, scanning for more and more information, going from left to right, until she clicked on the page for the About Us section.
Emma blinked, hardly able to believe what she was seeing. No, there was no way. She must have had way too much wine tonight. Much more than she thought she had. But any number of blinks wasn’t changing what was on the screen.
Dr. Sean Fisher was the same man who had saved her in life that spring break in Mexico. A little older in the face, but still heart-crushingly handsome—and evidently a fertility doctor? Well, that wasn’t a real estate agent, so someone must have gotten their gumption up enough to forgo the family business. For a brief second, an unexpected surge of pride slipped through Emma’s belly and she smiled. As if he could see her approval through the screen.
“Well I’ll be damned…” Emma put her hair back up in a ponytail and continued staring at the screen for a few minutes before she clicked through the rest of the website.
Even as she debated whether or not seeing him again would be a good idea, given the circumstances, Emma couldn’t deny that all of Sean’s patients seemed to be big fans. By the time she had come to the conclusion that it wasn’t at all a good idea, her fingers were already typing up an email inquiring about his services.
As an irrepressible excitement rose within her, Emma told herself it was entirely geared toward the renewed possibility of being able to have a baby, and nothing to do with Sean. Anything else would be insane, when it had been over ten years since they last saw each other and that had only been one night. It would be a miracle if he remembered what she looked like, let alone her name.
No. If Sean did indeed hold the key to her future happiness, then she could push aside any issues or childish feelings that were pushing to the surface because of him. With trembling fingers, she pressed send, then blew out a large breath and sat back with her hands over her eyes.
“Well, there’s no going back now.”
Which wasn’t entirely true. She could ignore the email, phone call, or carrier pigeon that they may send in reply to her email. Hell, maybe his office would never even respond at all. That would take the pressure off in a big way. Yet, she knew in her gut, that she would call back, she would email, and she would raise a carrier pigeon.
A candle flame of hope had sparked in her heart, and she was going to do everything in her power to keep it from going out.
Chapter 9
Sean
A Week Later
“What do I have lined up for the rest of the afternoon?” Sean rapped his knuckles on his secretary’s desk as he gazed over her shoulder at the screen where she had pulled up his schedule. “We’ve been a little low on patients and after our last trial patient dropped out, we’re running out of time.”
His secretary nodded somberly and scrolled through the schedule.
“We’ve got one more consultation set up for today,” Sophia said. “She’s due to arrive in the next ten minutes, and she emailed fairly late in the evening last week.”
“So we might have another case of a boozed-up socialite up late at night, searching for an answer online, and then getting buyer’s remorse when she gets into the office.”
“Looks like it.” Sophia turned her swivel chair around and smiled. “At least I get paid regardless, but for your sake? I’ll pray it works out.”
“I would do that if you want to continue to work here. We don’t get one more trial candidate that fits the bill? Bye-bye funding. Bye-bye job. Our four years together will be worthless if we can’t prove our success rate.”
“You don’t need to sell me on it,” Sophia huffed. “This has consumed four years of our lives. I don’t want this to be for nothing.”
She got up from her chair, stood in front of him, and straightened his coat.
“I’ve screened her already, and she should fit a majority of the criteria. The rest is up to you.” She patted his chest with a sly smile. “I’m taking my lunch break early, so I’ll let you get acquainted with her when she comes into the office…oh, any second now.”
Without another word, his secretary sashayed out of the office and into the backroom to take her thirty-minute break. Sophia was eas
ily the best in the business, and he had been lucky to hire her in the first place—but Jesus did she keep him on his toes.
Sean cleared his throat and looked at his watch. He hoped his next patient wasn’t a late arrival—that never boded well for the study candidates. The late ones normally weren’t prepared for the amount of time, effort and dedication something like his study took. In the past year, he had had dozens of meetings with women who weren’t prepared to go ahead in the knowledge that they would be injecting themselves several times a day, giving up caffeine, and recording their sleep, food and water intake. And all of them had been late.
Which is why when the women stepped through the door less than a second later, his jaw nearly hit the damn floor. She clearly didn’t see him—she looked around the empty waiting room, took a seat, and put her oversized purse next to her on the other chair. She peered through the hole in the wall where Sophia should have been, but wasn’t, and she crossed her legs at the ankle, digging in her purse for a book.
Even after all these years, Emma hadn’t changed that much. If anything, she had grown more beautiful, more poised and confident.
Sean took one more discreet glance before he went to the back room and took Emma’s chart out from the door where Sophia had stashed it. If he had any doubt his mind was playing tricks on him, that was long gone now. His eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. It was her, all right.
“Out of all the clinics in all the world…” he muttered to himself, wiping his hand down his jaw with a soft chuckle.
Well, there was no point in hiding himself. She was his next patient, regardless of their past associations. What were the odds that she would make the connection as quickly as he did or even really care that much? He was overreacting. Plain and simple.
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