Her graduation is getting near and she will have to go to Cincinnati, which I will understand. She has not been back since Pentecost (and what a pain that 3-day separation was!). Her mother called with a lot of silly prescriptions for graduation (who and who not to invite) – this made M. almost an hour late at the MA building.
I can understand her dislike of Wygal (I still think he might have let me call her the other afternoon!).
She told me with deep conviction that I am the “only truly kind and gentle person” she has ever known. Whether she is right or not it means a lot to me to know that, what my love means to her – that it is to her gentle, kind, warm, tender. I want to give her infinite tenderness and healing warmth and gentle care. She has said several times that this is the real love and no one accepts this kind of love. I have instinctively known that this, in any case, is what she loves in me, what is truest and most personal in me, whatever it is – something that no one else has ever fully accepted or believed in.
Today, when I had become all but convinced that our love had reached a kind of plateau – a level it would keep more or less statically – it suddenly grew more than it ever has before. And here I am loving her more completely, more rooted in her love, than ever. Because once again I am astounded by the reality of it. We drank a bottle of Sauterne, the big trees cast their shade over us, we were disturbed by no one but some kids from a Baptist picnic, who ran by now and again.
Her indignation at the disapproval of me expressed by someone in the monastery. Her agreement that I need my complete freedom. Her ideas of our living together are more complex than they seem (not just the “vine-covered cottage” as her note said). The fact that we both stubbornly refuse to give up our love and our hope of continuing.
But I was too passionate and in a way that was I think unfair (I don’t think either of us are obliged to confess anything – but it was dangerous) and at one point she was getting worked up and so was I. This was wrong, really, and I am sorry. Her notes about us told me enough about the very high ideal of me she had when we met and still has though she knows me. She is really convinced that I “love God” – I wish I did as truly as she believes I do.
She says she thinks of me all the time (as I do of her) and her only fear is that being apart and not having news of each other, we may gradually cease to believe that we are loved, that the other’s love for us goes on and is real.
As I kissed her she kept saying, “I am happy, I am at peace now!”
And so was I.
July 20, 1966
Cooler. A fine morning.
Difficult to work (at writing) and difficult to get anyone to do my typing since Bro. Dunstan Foretich left. Yesterday, though it was very hot in the hermitage, forced myself to begin the long delayed introduction to John Wu’s book.17 But I still don’t feel I am ready yet.
Ed Rice wrote – he wants [a] second chance on the notes on “Buddhism and the Modern World” if they are rejected by Cross Currents.18 A good letter from Cid Corman with whom I have begun corresponding (about Origin etc.). I like him and I think it is very worth while to write to him. Must read all of [Louis] Zukofsky as he suggested. But how to get it?
Ed Rice is anxious to have me do a piece on Bobby Dylan. Will send records if I ask. D.’s autobiography (!!) is appearing this summer. How old is he? 28? Not that.
Reading Dostoievsky’s The Idiot, a marvelous and fascinating book. What a world! And how he structures it, with what ease – from the very first chapter.
Also [G. J.] Warnock on English Philosophy Since 1900 [London, 1963], a new area for me – I always assumed these people were complete squares. Need to know Wittgenstein. The book is well written.
Finally also Nyanaponika Thera’s excellent treatise on Buddhist meditation – the basic elements – so easily despised, but very practical indeed. There is a healthy empiricism in Buddhist ascesis!
July 21, 1966
Revising some notes on monastic life – read through the Council Decree Perfectae Caritatis [“Of perfect charity,” “Decree on the Appropriate Renewal of the Religious Life”]. Deeply impressed by these lines:
Through the profession of obedience, religious offer to God a total dedication of their own wills as a sacrifice of themselves; they thereby unite themselves with greater steadiness and security to the saving will of God.
Very clear and helpful – and I have been evading this. I need to hear and take it to heart. No doubt my love for M. entails certain obligations to her, but I have been too willing to disobey in order to contact and console her. But I have been ordered to break off contact and sooner or later this will have to be final. I have to take it more seriously perhaps than I have. I am still committed to see her once more before she leaves, but really that should end it. Extremely difficult! I wonder if I can really do it! Hence I should not be too upset about the possibility of Dom J. clamping down again – as if I ought to resist. If he does, I must certainly see in it God’s will and accept it. How I will do it I don’t know – must keep praying for the grace – with the conviction that this “union with the saving will of God” will benefit her even more than myself perhaps. (Is this after all one of the real purposes of our love?)
July 22, 1966. F[east] of St. Mary Magdalen
Though the feast has been reduced in rank, I said the whole 12 lesson office of Vigils with much joy and consolation – especially the lessons from the Canticle and the antiphons and responsories about the “precious pearl.” It struck me all of a sudden that pearl = [ … ] = M. and I thought of God’s love for her and mine. I can see absolutely no reason why my love for her and for Christ should necessarily be separated and opposed, provided I do not go loving her in some way opposed to His will. But if I love her purely and unselfishly – as I surely do here in solitude – then my love for her is part of my love for Him, part of my offering of myself to God. On the other hand I have to be careful to truly obey. And yet are there exceptions? Same old question, same old risk. The real change is that even when we become very erotic I do not feel guilt because I love her so much and we are both totally committed to each other. This is of course a great danger and it shows how essential it is for us to keep out of trouble’s way – and for her too. She loves this feast and Mass, and I have thought much about her yesterday and today (both “beautiful days” not only in reality but in our secret and mystical sense).
Finished the first draft for my preface to John Wu’s book on Zen. It is a great relief to get this out of the way. Writing of articles etc. becomes harder and harder. Much more inclined to spontaneous notes, poems etc. Letters are also an enormous chore which I go at with infinite repugnance.
Am to see more “ecumenical” visitors this year – some seem worth while: and it is certainly providential. Four Buddhists have been recommended one way or another in the last week or two. It does really seem that my Buddhist relationships will turn out to be fruitful and important. And I can anticipate enjoying such visits. Donald Allchin also, who wrote from Oxford that he will be here early next year. Now in the summer there are the routine birds of passage, monks of the order stopping off on their way to Rome. (At this precise point Fr. Timothy from Vina came in to worry for an hour about the future of the Order – he is probably going to resign his job as Master of Students in Rome because so many have left Vina that he is needed there. He speaks of people leaving the Order everywhere – of the large house at Monte Cistello being more than half empty – 31 students in a house built for 100 – It is mostly the Roman students who cause trouble and leave etc. etc.)
July 23, 1966
In a good article on “Suffering in Greek Thought and in the Bible” (Recherches de Science Religieuse, 1955) the author has this to say of Oedipus at Colonus. The old king has learned from suffering to be fully content. [indecipherable Greek word]
“[Il a] appris à chérir ce monde qu’il ne voit plus, à faire bon accueil aux imprévus journaliers de sa vie errante. La solitude orgueilleuse du tyran s’est muée
en sympathie universelle. Ce chemin qui l’a conduit de Thèbes à Colone, où les dieux vont le ravir auprès d’eux, ce fut une montée incessante où la souffrance a joué, nous dit-il, le premier rôle.” [“(He has) learned to cherish this world which he no longer sees, to accept well the unforeseen everyday events of his errant life. The proud solitude of the tyrant is transformed into universal sympathy. The road which led him from Thebes to Colonus, where the gods came to ravish him in their presence, was a ceaseless rise where suffering played the main role.”] p. 495
It is perfect solitude and perfect compassion. The union and fusion of these two opposites is effected only by suffering. I don’t know why I am reading this article now and why I am so impressed. Obviously there is a special meaning (perhaps the sacrifice – M. has opened me to it at last) – but anyway I am reading it. Found the reference in Von Balthasar.
The same article goes on very wisely to discuss the fact that Israel “learned nothing” definitive from the chastisements of Yahweh. That it was not important to have a treasure of wisdom for – or rather against – the future. “Il vit entre la prise de conscience de sa faute et celle du pardon de Dieu, ce n’est pas lui qui mène sa vie. Quand il veut résumer son histoire, il la voit comme une dialectique incessante du péché à la grâce, dialectique dont le moment central est le cri, issu de la souffrance, de la misère coupable de l’homme et pourtant, déjà, expression la plus authentique de la Foi.” [“Between the awareness of his fault and that of God’s pardon, he sees it is not he who leads his own life. When he wants to summarize his story, he sees it as an incessant dialectic from sin to grace, a dialectic the central moment of which is the cry, rising from suffering, of the culpable misery of the man, and yet, already, the most authentic expression of faith.”] p. 503
Job in the same article: this sums up the real meaning of the B[ook] of Job. “[La] confrontation puissante [qu’il realise] entre une souffrance, censée porter en elle même un sens objectif susceptible de la rendre supportable, et un épreuve pour qui cette même souffrance n’acquiert de signification qu’à l’intérieur de son propre dialogue avec Dieu.” [“The powerful confrontation (that he realizes) between a suffering, thought to carry within it an objective sense capable of making it bearable, and a test, for which this same suffering acquires a meaning only within its own proper dialogue with God.”] p. 503
It is in fact the Eckhartian “spark” that momentarily wails and cries on in the real depths of suffering accepted and understood – momentarily transcending life and death. The spark is that in the soul which is truly free and truly of God.
July 25, 1966
Yesterday my chapter talk was on [Josef Luk] Hromadka’s Gospel for Atheists [Geneva, 1965] and today I read an article on [Gabriel] Vahanian which deepened and perfected the same ideas (by Rosemary [Radford] Ruether in the Spring Continuum). Clear admission of a demonic element in the Church institution that is unfaithful to the Gospel (how can an institution be faithful completely to the Gospel) – and yet one must be nevertheless loyal to the church as the center where the word is proclaimed. Yet there seems to be “another eschatological” anti-group group … all apparently ambiguous but underneath it I can hear the authentic voice of this time, in spite of the confusions. A remarkable – and dangerous!! – article. Its implications will work in me for a long time. First time I have seen the real point of this “God-is-dead” theology.
Am going back to Camus’ L’Homme révolté – and as with Sisyphus I now find I am ready for it.
July 27, 1966
Trouble with bursitis and obviously another disc, also cervical. I wonder if the operation did not simply set this one up for trouble. Anyway I had a lot of pain yesterday – had to make an appointment for Friday (not Saturday, as the Hammers may be coming over). Since I go Friday I will not be able to see M. Mixed feelings about this – in a way I am glad (can keep to my agreement and resolutions etc.) and also I am sorry, for I still miss her terribly. On the other hand the whole thing is obviously over, as far as the meetings and lovemaking are concerned and we both know it and have “accepted it” I imagine. But as for my love – of this there is no question, in it there is no change.
Am reading Sartre’s Les Mots, a curious, brilliant book, one of his best. An anti-autobiography – the variety of self-iconoclasm. But there is a certain pathos in it.
Profoundly struck by the eschatology of the God-is-dead theologians ([Thomas] Altizer) – this is very serious indeed and demands a complete revision of my ideas about them. They really have something! Certainly not just naive secularism! Absolute seriousness of the new creation – in opposition to the kosmos. A real yes and no. (But based on the scandal of a deluded eschatological Jesus necessary to get a real crisis-dialectic in movement. Acrobatic! In any case the dirty words are now “metaphysical,” “Being,” “Transcendent” etc.)
Yesterday when I went to ask Dom James’ permission to call the doctor I saw he was angry about something and thought at first it must be that someone had reported one of the 2 calls I made to M. from the Steel Building June 30 or July 2. Afterwards I guessed what the real reason probably is. Ping Ferry said he was going to write to suggest Dom James send me to California to rest up and recover from my “emotional involvement.” Dom J. was furious. Pretended last month to be concerned about my poor emotions – all he wanted was an excuse to lock me up in the infirmary – nothing he hates or fears more than the thought of letting me go somewhere! Which shows how much he really cares about my peace and [indecipherable]. Thank God he is willing to compromise and let me stay in the hermitage rather than have to argue about my going anywhere (I will certainly never suggest this again!!). He depresses me infinitely – but there is no use bothering about him.
Sartre in Les Mots turns out suddenly to be Merton of the movies. But that passage is too long and overdone. Just because he is making fun of himself he thinks he is permitted to drop all limits to carry on interminably.
Anti-eschatology of Camus – moving passages in his notebooks – warm secularity of earth, sea etc. “Mediterranean.” Meditation in a Franciscan cloister in Fiesole. Contrast with God-is-dead set? Says his secularity is with St. Francis, the world-lover. There is no question I too am really a world-lover after all: but what kind?
July 28, 1966
[William] Hamilton (God is dead) is less interesting than [Thomas J.J.] Altizer. Pedestrian optimism – Radical theology wants to live in an America where optimism is possible – It is a theology of zest – of enthusiastic participation in the electronic era – Johnson’s state of the union message of 1965 same day as T. S. Eliot died – opened a new era of optimism!!! And so on.
(However, I will say this – new concept of post-modern post-civilized art is straight play without self-conscious searching.)
Back to theology: life is not full of zest and optimism because there are “no tragedies.” Why? Tragedy belongs to pre-death-of-God theology. Now that God is mercifully dead there is no tragedy only zest. Hurray for zest. “A whole generation in its late thirties decides to take a swim in the Plaza fountain in the middle of the night.”
July 29, 1966
Momentous talk with Dom J. yesterday – repercussions from Linda P.’s visit end of last month. She talked volubly on returning to Montreal, said I was drunk etc. (one afternoon I was) and this all got back to Dom J. in a letter from Fr. Salman, who sounded highly indignant and probably was delighted at this opportunity (L.P. says they regard me as an enfant terrible who by some fluke wrote a best-seller). Was offered a job of Master of Novices or Scripture professor (!!!) to lure me back to community, but in the end I think he saw I was not deeply involved in that mess – and will let me stay in hermitage I think. (More in small notebook.)
Ludicrous chapter on Metaphysics in Warnock’s English Philosophy Since 1900. True, there is no metaphysics in England. But to assume that all metaphysics is just a game without meaning – to have no sense of the need for metaphysical insight of any sort – this
is the wonder!
Went to Louisville with bad bursitis for a cortisone shot (painful) and lunch with Wygal (dull) and finally a check up with Marshall, the neuro-surgeon, who says he can’t do anything definite about the numbness in my left leg. It was a terrible day, being in town and not able to see or contact M. But my purpose was to be in and out of town without seeing her and the reason I saw Marshall was so as not to have to come to see him Aug. 12, the day before M.’s graduation, when we had arranged to be together again in the park. I thought this had now become so dangerous as to be out of the question and so dropped a letter in the mail saying we would have to call it off and saying in effect goodbye. She will get it, I suppose, tomorrow.
Then I felt it was heartless and wrong, and wanted to call her, but guessed wrong and got the dormitory after she had gone to do extra work somewhere on the 3–11 shift. In Marshall’s office I was almost visibly crying! Was so torn by loneliness and longing to talk with her – and knowing it was hopeless. Worse still driving out on the turnpike – first passing near the hospital I thought I was slowly being torn in half. Then several times while I was reciting the office deep silent cries came slowly tearing and rending their way up out of the very ground of my being. It was awful. And she must have “heard” them. I got scared. There was nothing I could do with these metaphysical howls. Getting back to the hermitage finally calmed them. And I wrote a poem I had begun to scribble while waiting at the Medical Arts building. A Blues for M.19 Sort of Bob Dylan thing (read a good article on him in the Post). Liked what rock’n roll I heard on WKLO on Wygal’s car radio – I have grown to like that station better and it has also slightly improved since March.
Learning To Love Page 14
