“Yeah, that couldn’t be helped. The leak and all. It’s finally dried out but there’s so much work to get everything put back together.”
She screws up her face. “Yeah right. Convenient much.”
I gasp. “Really. It was an accident.”
“Yeah. I wish I could have an accident like that. Being swept off my feet and rescued like a damsel in distress to a cabin in the woods with a hunk like Carson.”
I roll my eyes at her. “He’s nice.”
“Nice?” She chokes on an ice cube, crunching and coughing as if it is a necessary inconvenience.
“Well okay, not nice. Natural, loving and we can’t keep our hands off each other.”
“Well you certainly look well on it, babe.” She hovers her gaze over my stomach again where it lingers for an uncomfortable moment.
“What’s wrong with you? You’re acting weird.” I dunk the ice cubes with the straw again.
“Lemon, are you…?” Her mouth hovers open.
“Am I what?”
She blows out gently and furrows her brow before leaning in to whisper to me. “Pregnant?”
My breath hitches. “Nope. Why would you say that?”
“Because I know you and… well let’s say I have a hunch.”
I let go of the straw and it floats up to the top of the glass and plops over the edge. “Darn.” I rise off my seat to grab another straw and Penny sits back in her chair, her eyes glued to me as I squeeze in between the tables to the counter. My heart thunders in my chest and I struggle to grip on a straw in the dispenser. Carrie passes one over with a smile.
“Well?” Penny drones as I rip off the end of the paper cover.
“Could be, I suppose.” Then I shake my head. “No, I can’t be. We haven’t had unprotected sex.”
“So, you started taking the pill then?” Her tone is distinctly big-sister-like.
Slowly, I shake my head. “No.” My answer murmured with the uncertainty that is hurtling around my head. “Oh my god, babe, what if I am?”
I suddenly feel sick with both worry and excitement. The monumental thought whisks through me like a tornado.
“Come on.” She stands and grabs my hand. “We need to find out.”
Noisily, she sucks the remnants from her glass and shouts, “See ya later,” to the staff and drags me out across the street to the pharmacy.
I dare not cause a scene on the corner of Main and First. Carson’s office is just across the street and God knows what he would think if he saw me in another commotion.
“I can’t go in there. Everyone will know within a heartbeat.”
She pulls on my hand.
“Penny. No.”
“We can’t go all the way to Visalia. I can’t wait that long.”
“You can’t wait?”
“Look, I’ll pretend it’s for me. I don’t give a damn who sees me.”
And neither would I, normally. But not like this. Not with everyone gossiping about Carson that way.
Fortunately, the pharmacy is empty. I stand looking at the array of pregnancy test kits on the stark white shelves. I’m sure there was only one option last time I was pregnant. “Why the hell does there need to be a choice?”
“Oh, never mind.” Penny swipes two from the shelf, and I stuff another into her hand. I loiter like a teenager behind the vitamin display while she pays.
“Let’s go back to your house, it’s closer,” Penny suggests.
I haven’t been home for weeks now, ever since I moved all my clothes out and although Carson’s finished the strip out, it’s still not fit to live in yet. But it’s a good call on Penny’s part. If Carson came home for whatever reason in the middle of this, it would be so embarrassing.
The drapes are drawn and the sunflowers Carson brought me before I moved out have been left on a windowsill and wilted in the vase. I fling open the drapes and open the windows, having to bang on the casing to loosen the catch. It seems I have suddenly become used to fresh air, whereas once I had no desire to breathe it in. I take ahold of the vase and shuffle across the bare floorboards to tip out the water in the sink. “Ooh they smell real bad.” I hold the vase away at arms-length.
“Babe, do you want to quit stalling?” Penny grabs the vase from me and dumps it on the side. With the bag from the pharmacy clutched in her hand, she drags me toward the bathroom.
Panic bubbles inside, rising up my throat. A sharp intake of breath has a whiff of the moldy water lodged firmly up my nose and I put the back of my hand under my nostrils. I gulp down the wateriness that fills my mouth.
“I can’t.” I pull back on her.
“You have to.”
I shake my head, fear washing over me. “I can’t, babe. What if I am?”
I sink to the floor and sit cross legged, rocking slightly back and forward. Penny drops to the floor next to me. “Don’t worry, babe, I’m here for you. And don’t forget Carson is not Blue.”
I blow out even breaths to avoid the oncoming panic attack. “But I can’t go through what happened before. I… I can’t lose another baby.”
“Oh, babe.” She pulls my head into her neck and cradles me. “Last time wasn’t meant to be. You’ll be fine this time around.”
“But you don’t know that for sure.”
“No, I don’t, but plenty of women have one miscarriage then go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies.”
A crescendo of emotions rises and I grit my teeth before it takes over.
“Come on, babe, one step at a time.”
She kneels back on her heels and I snivel through a laugh.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m probably not pregnant and there’s no point feeling any which way until I know for sure.”
That control over my emotions is short-lived. All three kits, without doubt, show a positive result.
“Shit.” I throw the final test into the sink and rest my head in my hands. “What now?”
Penny sits next to me on the edge of the tub and hugs me. “You tell Carson. Then you arrange an appointment at the doctor’s. Remember, one step at a time, babe.”
No matter what Penny says and whichever lighthearted way she says it, the heavy foreboding is front and central in my mind, casting a dark shadow over my recent happiness.
What if Carson doesn’t want a baby?
What if I lose this baby?
What if I lose them both?
I want to crawl under a rock somewhere high up in the mountains and not come out until spring.
“Lemon… Lemon.” Penny rubs my arm and brings me into the present. “Lemon, babe, it will be alright. You’ve got this.”
I blow out a large breath.
“Carson isn’t Blue.”
I consider her repeated statement and, of course, she’s right. He’s not Blue.
“He’s not gonna string you along like Blue did.”
And although at this point in my last pregnancy Blue hadn’t strung me along either, it was obvious looking back that was how it was gonna be. Eventually. If we’d have had that child maybe life would have been different for us and he might not have given Josie a second look when she came back into town. But deep down I knew I was never the one for him and I should have cut my losses and saved my heart and soul.
“Carson loves you. He’s always loved you and I bet he’ll be over the moon with this news.”
I nod, swiping the back of my hand under my nose. He does love me, and I need to make sure he knows that I love him too.
I feel a weight lift from my shoulders.
“Yep, you’re right, babe.” An excitement fizzes through me at how everything is finally coming together.
I drop Penny off at her mom’s where she’s left her kid, and after an hour of catching up with them, I drive to Carson’s cabin.
This should be the shift forward I need in my life. Start fresh and let everything I’ve ever wanted fall into place. My only mistake was Blue; everything else was okay.
Despite all of that
surface positivity, I have an ominous feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. Everything is clenched and I can’t sit still. I’ve paced the lake edge, the cabin, and the porch. I need to talk to Carson. Set things straight and stop this anxious doom growing in my head. But he’s not answering my calls. I’m just going to have to sit tight and wait for him to get in touch. I have that feeling that I had before, when I chased Blue. That panic that if I didn’t get to him quickly before his mind was set, I’d lose him forever. But I know if I hound him it will push him further away, like it did with Blue.
I sit on the porch in one of the old rockers and fiddle with a cigarette. I’ve hardly smoked since we’ve been together, and not at all since I started feeling nauseous, with what I now know is morning sickness. Although I know I won’t light it, it gives me something to do with my hands. I just need to speak to him.
Eventually, he sends a text. He’s snowed under with report writing and will be home late. It grows dark and I lay on the sofa with my phone near my head. Waiting. And worrying.
Nineteen
Carson
On autopilot, I drive carefully along the dirt road to the cabin and roll to a stop alongside Lemon’s car.
I’m home late, later than I’ve ever been since she moved in. I sent a simple text to keep her from worrying.
Viable explanations of what I learned today are outside of my grasp. Every vision is in sepia.
I thought it would be clearer with some space between us. But everything I chewed over while I sat late into the evening at my desk made my thoughts murkier, not clearer.
I went over in my head every conversation we’d had together.
All the times she mentioned Blue.
I even punished myself watching the video footage of her attack again and it stabbed at my heart with such vicious strokes. I felt every second. But watching her on her phone. The fuzzy facial expressions she made. Was it then that she sent that text to Blue Corrigan? The attack isn’t long enough ago to make it a distant memory. But it was before we got together and that should be enough. But why can’t I accept that?
I went over all the reports, now uploaded on the computer. The forensics don’t match any perpetrator on file. There was gunpowder residue on Lemon’s clothing. No note about her supposedly missing purse. No rogue bullets found anywhere. No witness statements that pointed to any known person. No trace on the vehicle with the headlights that shone on Lemon and her attacker. The only leads are the guy who asked Lola if Lemon worked at the Green Parrot and the other from a Fresno nightclub. Officer Jones think it was one and the same person. And that guy checked out. Every lead is closed.
But then there’s Austin Barclay. His reaction at the diner set off my inner alarm. Could he really have something to do with this? I’m sure Blue wouldn’t seek to harm Lemon. I know him as well as I know her and despite their heated relationship, they would never seek to harm each other. With words, maybe, but nothing more. But Austin, I don’t know. He wasn’t at the wedding party. He doesn’t do socials in Gunner Ridge. But he was at the Green Parrot. He shows up before the footage was stopped. Cruising by in his car. He slows near Lemon and Penny, then drives out of shot. Does he park or keep driving? There’s no footage of him after that, but Ledowski said he spoke to him and that was much later. Asked what had happened. But he already knew. When Ledowski described what he was wearing he said his standard suit, which doesn’t match the plaid shirt the attacker wore, but he did have a white hat in his hand.
A white Stetson.
He doesn’t usually wear a white one. He wears a grey felt one. I know because I gave him back the one and only hat I’ve ever seen him wear today. The one he left at Alma’s.
But maybe him and Blue are in this together somehow? Or maybe him and this other guy?
None of this makes sense. And I feel like I’m grasping at straws.
I rub my hands vigorously over my face. I need to hear Lemon’s side of the events. I know she says she doesn’t remember much, and I hate to do this, but I need to listen to her again with my sense heightened. Awake and not blinded by the feelings I have for her.
With a slow turn on the key, I cut the car engine and muster the strength to straighten my shoulders and click out the crick in my neck from being hunched over my desk for so long. Lemon opens the door and leaps down the porch toward me. It’s a surprise. I thought she’d be in bed by now. With effort, I smile back at her beaming face and take a minute behind the sanctuary of steel and glass. It’s in that moment when I watch her bouncing on her heels as she peers into the car, her hands wedged in between her thighs, that it dawns on me; I have a choice. It may be the polar opposite to what I would usually do, but still it’s one I can make.
Eventually, she can’t wait any longer for me to exit the vehicle and she trots around to the door. When I step out, she flings her arms around my neck and I squeeze her into me, burying my nose into her sunshine-filled hair.
She’s the happiest I’ve ever known her to be.
And like a window thrown open to fresh mountain air, I know what she means to me.
She makes me whole. She was one piece missing from my life, and now it is complete with this woman. I need to find a way of pushing the thought of her and Blue out of my law enforcement trained mind. Of not looking for him in everything she does.
“Come on, honey.” She curls a finger into my belt and pulls toward the house.
With a deep exhale, I follow her across the porch and into the house.
“So… I have news.” She says, her hands pressed together as if she is praying; fingertips pushed onto her pretty mouth. Then her eyes cloud over and her brows knit together. “What’s wrong, Carson?” She lets her hands fall to her sides and she steps to me. “You look like something awful’s happened.”
I huff out an anxious breath and sway my head gently from side to side. I don’t think I can say anything. Seeing her here before me now, not only am I stuck for words, but I don’t think I can do this to her.
“It’s nothing. Just a tough night at work.”
Her smile creeps gradually back onto her face and she rises on to her toes. “Okay, well you can tell me all about that once I’ve given you some news. Come on through, sit down. I’ve been waiting all day to tell you in person. You won’t believe the number of times I’ve nearly gotten into the car to come find you.”
She reaches for my hand and curls both her slender palms around my fist and I let her guide me to the couch. She kneels onto a cushion and pats the space next to her.
And with a giggle she blurts out a sentence I’d never thought I would hear, and certainly not from Lemon. “I’m pregnant.” She claps a hand over her mouth as if she can’t believe what she just said, then she says it again just in case I didn’t hear it or understand what she means.
My lips quiver as I pull the corners of my mouth up. “Pregnant?”
She nods in exaggerated sharp movements. “Yep. Pregnant. As in, we’re having a baby.” She shuffles on her knees.
“We?” It has been weeks, not months, not years. Well, since we’ve been together, together. And being with her is already a step over the line into fantasy. A baby. That never came into it.
Her cheeks begin to relax and her eyes move quickly over my face.
“That’s fantastic.” I allow the wave of love that I feel for this woman to run over me, letting any doubts about what she did the night of the attack wash away. But they keep bobbing to the surface like a rat I want to drown.
Her eyes light up and her beautiful smile radiates across her face.
I do what I would usually do when faced with her beautiful smile, I cup her jaw with my hand and lean in to kiss her softly. She melts with a new vulnerability into me and my protective nature kicks in. What do I need to do to make sure this woman and child never come to any harm? Can I lay down before her and make sure she never has to deal with anything shitty in her life again? If she’d have told me this yesterday, I would have committed to that witho
ut question.
And now?
A solitary tear trickles down her cheek and a sob blurts from her throat, which she catches in a smile. “Oh, I’m a mess.”
“No, you’re not.” I run a soft gaze over her pretty nose to her misted eyes and trembling lip. Running the pad of my thumb from her jaw to silence the pink, plump flesh.
“I just… I never thought it would happen after last time.”
“Last time?”
Her eyes widen and her jaw stiffens. “I lost a baby, Carson. Didn’t you know? With Blue. It’s why everything went wrong for us.”
My throat constricts and confusion stampedes through me. Why is Blue there first in everything between us? And is that the only reason everything went wrong for them?
I stomp on those thoughts. This is between me and Lemon. Blue can go fuck himself.
“No. I didn’t know that, Lemon. I’m sorry. Is there a chance…?”
She shrugs and her vulnerability tips over into fright and there it is again. My cue to protect her above everything and everybody else. “It’ll be fine, Lemon. I’ll make sure of it. You’ll have the best prenatal care.”
“Oh, thank you, Carson. You don’t know how much it means to me. I thought you’d be mad with me or not sure if the baby was yours.”
A lump lodges in my throat. “Why would I think that?” I say through a tight jaw.
She shakes her head. “Just we’ve always been careful.”
My subconscious kicks in and I slowly nod my head. She’s right, I’ve always worn a condom, apart from that time in the water and I pulled out then. A tsunami of emotion brews inside. I can’t. I just can’t. So, I avoid a verbal reaction and lean in and pull her forehead onto mine and she flings her arms around my back. “Oh, Carson, you’re the best thing that could have happened to me.” She rubs her pert nose across the tip of mine.
And that’s it. Just one conversation away from finding out what happened that night outside the Green Parrot. And a lifetime of wishing it never mattered.
But, of course, it does.
Twenty
Lemon
Broken in Love (Studs in Stetsons Book 2) Page 16
