I suck in a breath and bolt upright.
I’m in Carson’s bed. Our bed. And everything hurts. My chest. My stomach. My head. It’s like I’ve spent a week running up and down the mountainside with no food or water or sleep.
Carson sits next to me with a worried look and a nursing hand on my arm.
I push my face toward him, silently questioning whether it was all a bad dream. All of it. Every single moment since that night of September 10th.
“Blue and Austin have gone.”
I lower my back onto the bed and stare up at the ceiling.
Dream? No such luck.
Twenty Five
Carson
Lemon hasn’t moved for over thirty minutes. Sitting on the rocker, her legs hugged in tight to her chest, she’s deep in thought with her chin wedged between her knees. A cup of peppermint tea sits untouched on the deck next to her.
“I’m gonna fix some noodles. D’ya want some?”
Slowly, she turns her head and blinks her eyelids. “I’ll do it.”
“No, it’s fine. I’ve got it.” I squat down next to her.
“Carson.” She half rises off the seat. “How about we take a pot and cook over there?” She nods to the other side of the lake.
“If you want,” I say with hesitation.
She lifts her head and unfurls her legs. “Yes. I’d like us to be away from everything.” Her eyes roam over the deck like the ghosts of Austin and Blue haunt the space.
“Okay. Grab something warm.”
While she disappears into the bedroom, I pack the boat with supplies for an overnight camp out. Blankets, camp chairs, cooler packed with food and sodas, and the largest cooking pot I have. We’ve been alone for two days since Blue told Lemon her worse fears and she’s been locked in paralysis. Not wanting to talk about it at all. So I’ll go along with her suggestion if it will help.
Silently, I paddle the boat over the still lake, the air slightly cool and damp after today’s rainfall. When we reach the other side, the bank is slippery and a strong dirt odor hangs in the air.
Even in in our current mood, I love it. To me it feels fresh. Like new beginnings.
Lemon holds her hand to her nose.
The deck we built for the new hideout is dry. It’s covered by a sail we rigged the last time we were here to shelter us from the sun while we worked. It’s done a good job against the rain too, with only the corners of the deck wet.
I help her out of the boat and we set up a camp. Pulling out dry wood from under a tarp and stacking it in the fire pit. I set the fire going.
“I learned how to make a mean ramen when I was in college,” I tell her and she smiles warmly. “I’ll hold back on the chili if you like?”
“No. Go ahead. The hotter the better for me.”
I raise my eyebrows. I never realized she liked chili. I wonder what else I don’t know about her. I’ve been so focused on the Lemon I once knew that I haven’t paid as much attention as I needed to on how she’s grown. And if I’m to understand the woman that I am so determined to have front and central in my life, I need to learn.
The pan heats over the fire and I lower the noodles into the bubbling broth. She stares in to the flames.
The last 48 hours we’ve hardly spoken, for most of it she’s slept and every time I tried to help her, she’s halted me. If I’ve heard, “I’m not ready yet, Carson,” once, I’ve heard it a thousand times.
But this change in scenery might make the difference. We need to move on. Stuck in limbo must be like purgatory for her. Reliving that night in the murky depths of her subconscious will never help her heal. If she can’t remember it, it’s because she shouldn’t. The trauma is too much.
“Your father was not who you thought he was, Lemon.”
“How do you know?” Her tone is accusatory but understandable. I shouldn’t know anything about her father, he left when we were too young. But I do.
I sigh. “I never wanted you to know this, Lemon, because it seemed you couldn’t remember your father, so I thought it best you never knew.”
“Does it matter? He’s dead now. Nice or not, I killed him.”
“Why do you think everyone rallied around to support your mom?”
Her expression remains blank.
“Why she kept her boyfriends away from you?”
Her face crumples in confusion.
“What are you trying to say, Carson?” There’s a sharp edge to her voice. A strength that she needs to bare to hear this.
“Your father ran away because he was accused of stuff.”
“Stuff?”
I sit cross legged at her side. Ready to catch her.
“Messing with children.”
The air solidifies between us and we’re encapsulated in a block of ice.
There’s no need to explain any further. To use words that are difficult to say. To hear. To understand.
“Lemon?” I don’t want her to lock herself away again.
Her wide eyes latch onto mine. A glaze of disbelief mixed with fear coats them. “Why didn’t I know this?”
“You was very young. You know how we are here. This community. Secrets are wrapped in waxed cotton and thrown at the bottom of lakes like this.” I hold out my hand to the expanse of dark water that lays before us. “All to preserve what we think this place should be.”
“But why didn’t I know?”
“You was only three. There are transcripts of the interviews you had at the time. But I guess a mind young enough will blank those memories out. Erect a healing cage around them.”
She stiffens with shock.
This is probably too much to take in.
The attack. The pregnancy. And now the truth.
I scoot up next to her and wrap my arm around her shoulders, angling her into my side and then throw another log on the fire. With her head rested on my shoulder, I place a long kiss on her crown.
“I love you,” I whisper into her hair.
“I love you too,” she breathes back.
Twenty Six
Lemon
There’s a pain in my stomach. But Carson is holding me so tight I don’t want to move. I’m afraid if he lets go, I’ll shatter into a million tiny pieces.
He told me he loved me and that means everything right now.
I want to talk more but I can’t. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. What questions to ask. But there’s a whole notebook full swirling around my head.
Did my dad mess with me? Does it matter if I don’t remember?
Why didn’t my mother tell me? Why, Mom?
How would my life have been different if I’d have known what happened to me?
And now?
The pain in my stomach is low down and too familiar.
I try to slink a hand to it, but I’m not discrete enough and Carson notices.
“What’s wrong?” He lays a warm hand over mine.
“I’m just tired.”
“Do you want to lay down?”
I nod and he pulls me up. “Do you want to stay here or go back home?”
I smile at his use of the word home. “Here. I’ve always wanted to camp out by this lake. With you.”
He hugs me tight. “Me too.”
He brought several blankets as well as the comforter this time, and he lays them out on the deck so we can settle on top of them.
It’s the perfect night for lying under the stars. A zillion tiny silver dots, some shimmer, others seem caught up in a wisp of silk thread. To me, they represent freedom and independence. Just like the star-spangled banner.
At that moment, Carson’s hand finds mine. He squeezes it gently. “Talk to me, Lemon. Tell me how you feel.”
I blink away an errant tear and disengage my mind, allowing my emotions to run freely through my mouth. “I feel at peace, really. Strange, I know. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been through the wringer these last forty-eight hours and I’m emotionally exhausted with it all, but I feel as
if I can accept anything right now. There’s nothing left for anyone to take away from me.” My other hand slides across my stomach. Right now, I can’t even summon up the fight to hang on to this either. “I’ve spent a stupid amount of time chasing Blue Corrigan. Chasing something I thought that I saw in the relationship he had with Josie. That perfect teenage couple with their whole life before them.” I turn my head to his. “But Carson, I think I know what was behind all of that now. And it wasn’t what I spoke of to you the other week.”
He squeezes my hand and looks my way. Our eyes lock in a moment of intense intimacy. “It was my mom and dad. I wanted the perfect relationship they never had. I wanted her to chase him, bring him back to us. Have the perfect family. But she didn’t and I didn’t understand why. That’s why I couldn’t let up on me and Blue.” I pause for a moment, taking in what I’ve just said. The first time I have ever analyzed my behavior and come up with that conclusion. “When I was attacked, I had this exact same feeling. Although I didn’t know why. A calmness. A serenity. I thought I was dying, Carson, but knew I hadn’t been hurt. And I realize now what it was. I wasn’t dying. I was laying to rest that early childhood trauma. I was at peace with myself. I must have known it was my dad standing before me. Whatever he said to me. Whatever the cause of that tussle, it lead to me shooting him and then I felt peace.”
A myriad of emotions skit across his eyes. His pupils widen as he takes in everything I have to say.
“Will you be able to move on from this?”
Without hesitation, I nod.
Somewhere, somehow I know what I did was because of what he said to me. It flicked a switch in my subconscious and as much as killing someone is so very wrong it was as if I had no choice and I’d wager any one would have done the same in my shoes. Probably.
“Can you look forward to everything that’s coming our way?” He slides his hand on to my pregnant belly. The warmth from his palm radiates a healing touch.
“My only worry is… I don’t want to end up like my mom.”
“You won’t. Just like I won’t end up like my dad.”
I snap my eyes from his hand to his face.
“How, Carson? What will make us any different?”
“Because I choose you.”
“What do you mean, choose?”
“I’m leaving law enforcement.”
“But you can’t. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are today.”
He smiles and his eyes light up. The total opposite of the response I expected.
“Oh, but I can and I have. There’s a lot of overdue changes in law enforcement around here and it presents an opportunity for me to leave.”
I shake my head with sadness.
“Don’t worry about it. It will all work out.”
“Is this because of what I did?”
He continues to smile. “In part. But it’s more than that. My dad chose his career over my mom and in a year or so he will be forced to retire. Then what? I don’t want to make the wrong choice with you, Lemon. You are more important to me than being a police officer. And honestly, I think I only chose that route because my dad pushed me into it and then when you and Blue got together there was no reason to push back.”
My heart aches at what he has just said. I don’t want him to sacrifice anything for me.
“Carson, I’m not comfortable with this. I don’t want you to make a mistake.”
“I’m not. I. Choose. You.”
He leans in and presses a loving kiss to my lips, his hand covering the back of my head as he holds me in place. He pulls his lips away but rests his forehead on mine.
“And I choose you,” I whisper.
“I want us to make a life together. Wherever, however, that is. I will help you heal if that’s what you want. If that’s what you need. Whatever it takes because I love you with all my heart and will do absolutely anything not to lose you again.” His lips falter into a loving smile and I feel mine mirror his. “This is you and me, baby girl. I will stand beside you for everything life throws at you and help you through this, whatever it takes.” He leans in and presses his warm lips onto mine until they meld together with a sealing promise. “You and me, Lemon Sherbet.”
Eventually I pull back, blinking my eyes until he is in focus again. “I don’t know what I want to do right now.”
“That’s understandable. But whatever it is, I will be here for you.”
“Even if I decide to turn myself in?”
He hesitates for long enough for me to know that is not what he wants me to do. “Sure.”
“And what will happen if I don’t do that?”
“I will stand by you, Lemon. No-one need know.”
“But your code? What you signed up for?”
He sighs. “It don’t mean a darn thing compared to you and righting the injustice of what happened in your life. I know I shouldn’t be the judge in any matter of the law, but I will be with this. With you.”
I chew over what he’s said. I want to believe that he will stand by me. And I should believe him. But he will suffer in doing so. He’s such a worthy police officer and deserves to be sheriff and to throw it all away because of me and my mistake? I don’t think so.
“Do you think I would be let free if this case went to court?”
“I honestly don’t know, Lemon.”
“I suppose the odds changed when Austin and Blue decided to cover up for me.”
He merely hums his lips.
“They were only doing what they thought was best. For me.”
He hums again. “And me.”
“Huh?”
“As it turned out we’re here together right now, with our baby.” He slides his hand onto my stomach. The first time he’s mentioned anything about the pregnancy since this all came to light. “That night lead to this. Who knows what we might have missed if the events of that night played out differently.”
I look back up to the celestial sky. My answer is written in those stars. Hope. Love. A world bigger than me or him or our baby.
Twenty Seven
Lemon
“Carson, I need to go to the hospital.” Last night I laid awake watching the sky spin by with my legs entangled in Carson’s and his arm resting protectively across my chest, waiting for him to stir. The pain in my stomach didn’t subside; nor did it get any worse. Nonetheless, I need to get it checked out.
Carson leaps up, his face pale. “What d’ya mean?”
“I’ve some dull pains.” I rub at my stomach as I stand.
“C’mon.” He wastes no time and leads me toward the boat, tossing it over and kicking it down the bank into the water. He plants one foot firmly onto the slope and the other steadies the boat while he reaches across for my hand.
“There’s no panic.”
His jaw ticks.
“I’ve had the pains all night and they’ve not got any worse.”
He shakes his head. “Lemon?”
“Honestly, I think if something was to have happened it would have by now.”
His sigh is heavy and I step into the boat, where he gently positions me onto one of the seat boards. Immediately, he’s rowing as if we are escaping an island full of zombies and before I know it, we’re in his squad car and bumping down the dirt track toward the road.
The doctor sees me straight away and after listening with a doppler to the baby’s heartbeat he carries out a full check, showing Carson and me the blurred ultrasound image of our baby. It wriggles and I suck in a sob at the sight.
Carson squeezes my hand throughout, with a face full of awe. Eventually, when we are both sufficiently convinced that everything is okay with the pregnancy, he turns to me and with a shit eating grin leans in to place a soft kiss which melds onto my lips. A surge of love pushes through me. For our baby. For him. For us.
“I love you,” he whispers.
My heart jumps and the doctor chuckles and points at the monitor. I look to the screen to catch our baby roll. It make
s me feel like we’re a family sharing this moment.
The date the doctor gives us puts the conception date at that first night when we went to Lime and Stardust in Visalia when our desires railroaded our consideration for protection.. Not that it matters really. We both know it is Carson’s.
On the way home, Carson grabs some carry out breakfast from Alma’s for us to eat back at the cabin. Safe in the knowledge that the pains I’ve felt are only my body growing to accommodate the life inside me, I eat the panini he bought, eagerly. Feeling sufficiently replenished I rest back in the chair, and guzzle a juicy water drink. For the first time in as long as I can remember I see a long future stretched before me and it’s not one carved from mistaken hope where I ignore all the signs. I know the risks and the rewards and accept that this is how life plays out. Some good times, some bad times and plenty of choices along the way.
What I supposedly did that night weighs heavy on my mind and no matter how hard I try I can’t remember any more details. But I know I did it. I feel it. And I know I can’t hide from that. It will never go away.
After a gentle cough I reach for Carson’s wrist. “Honey, I know what I have to do.”
He jolts to a stop with a handful of food wrappers. “Huh?”
“About what I did.” I nod my head as if to reassure myself as much as him that my decision has been made.
He dumps the trash and scurries to sit beside me. “Whatever it is, Lemon, I’m here for you.”
I fill my lungs with much needed fresh air, taking in with it a good dose of relief. I truly believe him.
“I’ve decided I need to come clean—with my part in all of this at least.”
His shoulders sag and his eyes blink shut for a second. “I thought you might say that.”
“I couldn’t face living with what I’ve done.”
“I understand.”
And I know he does. Carson has lived his life honestly; searching out the truth in every situation. My decision is as much about that as anything else. But I won’t admit that to him; I don’t want him to think he should talk me out of this. If one thing is certain our relationship wouldn’t last if I don’t hold my hands up on this issue and live by the moral code that Carson upholds.
Broken in Love (Studs in Stetsons Book 2) Page 19
