[6] Meg first heard the phrase “predatory listening” at a keynote given by Caprice Hollins at the Association of Experiential Educators International Conference in 2015. Caprice cited Peggy McIntosh as being the one who introduced her to the concept. It’s a phrase to describe something a lot of us have experienced (or practiced) that so perfectly sums it up. We love the phrase so much we knew we had to include it in the book somewhere, and it fits well here (as well as it would have fit in so many other chapters).
[7] If you’re struggling with the finite vs. infinite responses concept, consider this example: “What is your name?” vs. “Why is that your name?” In the former question, the response is limited at most to the person’s full name (and perhaps a nickname, “...but my friends call me ‘Lunchbox.’”). The second question is limitless: the responder might tell a story of how their name was chosen, they might talk about the origins of the name, they might do both of those things and something else, or they might even state that they’re uncomfortable with the question, or refuse to answer--and what matters here isn’t what the responder chooses to say (because whatever they choose will likely have a limit), it’s what they were able to choose from. It’s the limitless choice they have that makes this question “infinite.”
[8] Or you could build a really high scaffolding and just start dropping bricks of knowledge on people from the sky. While it sounds like the facilitator edition of Angry Birds, we don’t recommend it.
[9] A handy handout on this model can be found at this link: http://bit.ly/UTMlm
[10] It’s a miserable model for consent. The expression says “I know you’d say no if I asked, so I’m not going to ask, and trust that you’ll be cool with this afterward.” It’s emblematic of facilitation, because 100% informed consent isn’t possible in an uncharted journey that could end up in a place you never expected it going.
[11] Seriously. Nothing lights us up as much as the opportunity to gush about Brené--her work, her attitude, her angle on life. We’re going to do our best to not make this chapter into a Brené Brown Fan Blog (which we don’t have...yet), so let us instead take a moment to say this: we recommend everything we’ve ever read or seen from Brené to every facilitator, trainer, educator, and human. At the very least, watch her TED talks, read Daring Greatly then Rising Strong, then get back to us if you’re somehow not convinced. All of her work, in one way or another, informs this chapter (and, truly, this entire book [and -- hell, let’s be real--everything we do in life ever all the time every day oh gosh this footnote has spun out of control okay we’ll stop]).
[12] Would it be too insensitive to make an iceberg reference here? It probably would. We won’t.
[13] Check out Sam Richards’ TED Talk “A radical experiment in empathy” for more perspective on this.
[14] If you’d like to watch the interview, it was part of our FacilitatingXYZ LIVE Series, and can be found at this link: http://bit.ly/UTMei
[15] We highly recommend that every facilitator read Dr. Obear’s “Navigating Triggering Events: Critical Skills for Facilitating Difficult Dialogues” chapter, which you can find at this link: http://bit.ly/UTMnt. All of the direct references we make to Obear throughout this chapter pull from that writing. Further, the traffic circle model that we propose in this chapter would not exist without her work that inspired it, and only serves to build upon the powerful ideas she introduced to us. To dive even deeper into how to navigate triggers with Dr. Obear, check out her book Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace.
[16] “For this next activity, everyone is going to take a nap. And I’m going to leave.”
[17] Sam owes this analogy, and the clarity around stories, realities, and how the two combine to make meaning, to coach and friend Paula Fracasso.
[18] Not to be confused with “a--hole time”, which is when you respond to a stimulus in a harmful way and don’t attempt to make things better.
[19] Sam sometimes tells a story onstage about how his mom double-dog dared him to do a big jump on his rollerblades, he fell, and ripped his nipple off. Then it grew back. So there. Now you know, and don’t have to ask.
[20] The “we” here is meant to refer to us, the authors; however, a broader “we” encompassing “those of us in the United States,” or “those of us in the West,” or even “those of us socialized against emotions in public” could also work. We didn’t want you, the reader, to feel lumped into a “we” against your will.
[21] The phenomenon of better remembering an emotional experience, but losing some of the details, is discussed in the world of psych as an “affective memory trade-off.” In this chapter, we’re talking more about the power of localization that emotional learning has (i.e., it makes the learning important to the learner), and how that learning will be remembered. But if you’re curious to read more about affective memory trade-off, here’s a great starting point: http://bit.ly/UTMrpn
[22] Please direct all questions to Sam in grade 7 through yesterday.
[23] If you’ve seen the movie Up, you can think of all the elements as the balloons, the training as the house, and your integrations being the strings connecting the two. If this analogy is making you cry, that’s okay. A lot of people cried during that movie, and so did we. Want to tell us a little more about why that movie made you cry?
[24] It might sound dramatic, and, if you’ve ever experienced this, you’ll recognize it’s aptly dramatic. It would also be a great name for a pop folk album or a timeless country song.
[25] Willful ignorance, which we’d describe as an intentional, obstinate, and sometimes malicious refusal to be informed, is a whole different beast. We would not recommend celebrating this type of ignorance, and we also don’t see it as a healthy place from which to learn, or to engage in a conversation.
[26] You’re only a few bad 80s songs and one dead boss away from being a real-life Weekend at Bernie’s. Don’t be a real-life Weekend at Bernie’s. And if you haven’t seen Weekend at Bernie’s, you can watch it for an example of how exhausting and ludicrous (and comical) it is to publicly maintain a lie.
Unlocking the Magic of Facilitation Page 12
