“And that’s the ball game!” Johnny interjected, reminding Bea her fantasy was impossible—and probably unwise. “When we come back, we’ll find out what Bea thinks of these men—and what they think about her—so stick around!”
Bea reluctantly let go of Luc’s hand, and PAs descended upon the stage to organize a semicircle of chairs and dole out enormous noise-canceling headphones to all twenty-five men—well, twenty-four, since one had made an untimely exit. For this next segment, Johnny would interview Bea about her impressions of the men while they sat directly behind her, listening to loud music and unable to hear a word she said. For the following segment, though, the dynamic would be reversed, and Bea would be forced to sit in ignorance while the whole group talked about her.
“So, Bea.” Johnny leaned in conspiratorially after shouting a few childish insults at the men to make sure they couldn’t hear him. “We’re all dying to hear what you think of these men! Pretty amazing group, am I right?”
The audience clapped appreciatively, and Bea understood the game: There was only one way a fat woman was supposed to feel when a trim man paid her attention.
“I’m so grateful,” she effused. “I mean seriously, how lucky am I that these incredible men were all willing to spend time away from their jobs, their families, their lives, just for the chance to meet me? It’s overwhelming.”
The applause level rose, and Bea knew she was playing her part correctly.
“It wasn’t all smooth sailing, though, was it?” Johnny’s face was lined with faux concern. “That was the first time in Main Squeeze history that a suitor walked off the show before the end of the season premiere.”
And that’s the headline Lauren’s PR machine will be pitching the second this episode is over, Bea thought bitterly.
“How did you feel when he walked away?”
“Well,” Bea answered frankly, “it’s not like that was the first time that’s happened to me.”
She heard a few gasps and some titters from the audience—perhaps she’d been a little too honest.
“Really?” Johnny pressed. “You’ve had a man walk out on you that way?”
“What can I say?” Bea did her best to put on a brave face, knowing that’s what Lauren wanted. “A lot of men really care whether a woman is thin. For some men, that’s the only thing they care about. As if our entire worth can be measured in the inches of our waistlines.”
Johnny shook his head. “We’ll have to hope the rest of the men aren’t like that.”
Bea nodded, reassuring herself internally that it hardly mattered if they were.
“Okay, Bea, one last question, and I know all of America is waiting for the answer to this one: Of all the men you met tonight, who did you like the best?”
Luc sprang instantly to mind—Bea hadn’t been that attracted to any man since Ray. But she knew that wasn’t the right answer to give in this moment; Luc was too sexy, too volatile, definitely not the choice of a woman earnestly seeking her soulmate. She considered picking Jefferson, but something inside her rebelled against the idea of admitting so publicly what she privately feared: that he was the only man here who might honestly find Bea attractive. She thought back to Lauren’s advice—her job was to sell a fairy tale. It was her duty to find a Prince Charming, handsome and noble and, most important of all, capable of graciously sitting by her side for interviews for the duration of their pretend engagement. If those were the criteria, Bea knew exactly who she’d choose.
“Wyatt,” she said with a confident voice. “The way he comforted me when I was feeling down? If that’s not husband material, I don’t know what is.”
The audience applauded appreciatively, Johnny thanked Bea for her time, and they broke for commercial. Mack came to fit Bea with her giant headphones, a sad smile on his face.
“Sorry about this,” he groused as he got the earphones nice and snug.
“Come on, Mack. We’ve all got jobs to do.”
His smile faded a bit, and he clicked the headphones into noise-canceling mode. As the lights got hot and the men all around her started talking, the sounds of the set dissolved, and Bea felt the stress of the night fade into a nocturne by Chopin.
SELECTED TRANSCRIPTS OF JOHNNY DUCEY INTERVIEWS WITH MAIN SQUEEZE SUITORS:
Season 14, Night 1
Johnny: So, what was your reaction when you saw Bea?
Ben K.: I was surprised. I don’t mind telling you I was surprised.
Johnny: Like, a good surprised?
Ben K.: Like, a very surprised.
Kumal: She seems cool.
Johnny: In what way cool?
Kumal: I don’t know, she probably learned a lot in school.
Johnny: What makes you think that?
Kumal: […]
Johnny: How do you think the night is going so far?
Brian: I think beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.
Johnny: … okay?
Brian: Yeah. You can’t judge a book by its cover.
Johnny: How do you think it went when you met Bea?
Sam: Dude, did you see what happened? I poked her in the side! Oh my God, I made a fool of myself on TV. My grandma’s going to laugh forever.
Johnny: Have you ever dated a plus-size woman before?
Jaime: That depends on your definition of “dated.”
Johnny: Are you worried Bea might send you home at tonight’s elimination ceremony?
Nash: [laughs]
Johnny: So, are you?
Nash: Oh, you were asking for real? I hope she does! I’ll look like a total asshole if I just leave like that other guy.
Johnny: Do you want to leave?
Nash: I don’t know, man … do you know what the travel schedule is this year? We going anywhere good?
At first, it was almost novel, peacefully listening to one of her favorite composers on live TV, knowing the spotlight was off her for just a moment while the men had their say. And as for what it was they were saying, well … that didn’t really matter, did it? If it was slightly bittersweet that all of the romance Bea experienced on the show would be concocted, then it was enormously relieving that whatever heartbreak she experienced would be too.
Say she started “dating” one of these men, jetting to exotic locales, “falling in love,” only to discover he’d called her a gluttonous pig on the first night of filming—right now, in fact, as the audience laughed. That would be fine, because she never would have had feelings for him in the first place! He’d be no different from the Internet trolls who taunted her every day, except unlike those trolls, these men would help set her up for future success. Lauren was right: The more obstacles Bea faced, the more America would root for her.
And if some tiny part of her had hoped that maybe Marin was right, that she might meet someone special tonight … well. That was gone. No matter; now it would be easier to keep things professional, to stay focused on her own success. Besides, it was an enormous comfort that none of these men could possibly hurt her as badly as Ray did.
Was he watching tonight? Curled up at this very moment on his living-room couch with Sarah, laughing along at whatever joke someone had just made that had the audience completely in stitches? What was that joke? Who even was talking? Bea was seated off to the side, so there was no way for her to see which man was speaking without turning to look—which she was strictly forbidden from doing.
She could see the first few rows of the audience, though: rail-thin Influencers giggling unkindly, whispering to one another, pointing at the various men, typing fervently on their phones. Was Lauren crazy to think that women like this could ever be on Bea’s side? Was sisterhood really so universal, or would these girls rather die than, for even one second, identify with Bea—no matter how saccharinely they praised her body positivity online?
Bea wondered if these women saw her as alien.
If these men did.
If Ray did.
When that man walked out on her earlier, had Ray felt a pang of guil
t for having done the same—twice—or was he relieved to know that someone else shared the impulse?
Bea had started the night feeling so beautiful, but the men had worked to change that. And now she saw herself through Ray’s eyes—not his treasure, but his shame. The audience was laughing again. She closed her eyes and waited for Johnny to take them to commercial.
Each episode of Main Squeeze concluded with a “kiss-off ceremony,” where Bea would send home the men in whom she was no longer interested. This season, it was being underwritten by a lipstick company called Lucky Lippies—meaning that Bea would be made to put on some preselected shade of lipstick, and after she announced the name of each man she intended to keep, he’d walk up to her, present his cheek, and she would kiss it, marking him for another week together. Bea thought the whole ordeal was tackier than pairing a slide sandal with a ball gown, but her agent had told her Lucky Lippies was on the hunt for a plus-size spokesmodel, so Bea wasn’t about to piss them off by objecting.
This was the biggest cut of the season: seven men gone in one fell swoop (including the one who’d left of his own accord—or Lauren’s). When Lauren approached Bea during the final commercial break of the night with her list of proposed men to cut, Bea told her she didn’t care who stayed—that Lauren could choose to cut anyone she wanted, anyone the producers thought didn’t look right on camera.
“Great!” Lauren handed the list over to Bea with a smile. “See? I told you this would be easy.”
“Sure.” Bea nodded. “Easy.”
Back onstage, the guys assembled on their risers, descending one by one as Bea read out the names of the men she’d “decided” to keep. She kissed their cheeks, breathed in the smell of whiskey and overdone cologne. When she called Luc’s name, he walked toward her deliberately, his eyes fixed on hers.
“Will you stay, Luc?” she asked him, just as she’d asked each of the men before.
“Of course I will stay. I will go anywhere you ask.”
When she kissed his cheek, she tasted salt and smelled something herbaceous, like soap and thyme. He put a hand on her waist, and she felt Ray pressed against her, his weight on top of her, his mouth hot on her skin. He was gone. This was nothing. Bea smiled for the camera and called out the next stranger’s name.
EPISODE 2
“BARE”
(18 men left)
Shot on location in Malibu, California
MAIN SQUEEZE SEES UPTICK IN SPRING PREMIERE
by Emmy Benson, variety.com
The new season of Main Squeeze has been swathed in controversy—but it seems to be proving that all publicity is good publicity, with ABS easily winning the 8pm and 9pm hours last night. The premiere averaged a gargantuan 4.2 rating among adults 18–49, with 12.8 million viewers overall. That’s a sizable increase from the reality staple’s last premiere, and just a hair shy of its best opener ever when former fighter pilot Jack Stanwell was discovered to have been sleeping with a major pop star just days before his season premiered.
The premiere came with its own batch of turmoil: Response online was fast and furious after it was revealed that only one of the men competing for plus-size blogger Bea Schumacher’s affections was plus-size himself. The hashtag #BrawnIsBeautiful trended for several hours—a reference to the burgeoning “brawn” modeling industry for larger men. Several prominent writers even called for a boycott of the show, and of Schumacher herself. It remains to be seen whether the show’s more morally questionable tactics will backfire, but for the time being, ABS has to be very happy with the numbers they’re seeing—the question is whether they’ll hold up.
TRANSCRIPT OF CHAT FROM #SQUEEZE-MAINIACS SLACK CHANNEL
Beth.Malone: Hey guys, just a friendly reminder that the deadline is TONIGHT at 8pm to submit your picks for your brackets!
Colin7784: Wait, there’s a deadline tonight? I didn’t know—did you send an email about this??
Beth.Malone:
Colin7784: Jkjkjk I SUBMITTED MINE BETH GOD
KeyboardCat: Who did everyone pick?? Wyatt and Luc are the obvious choices, but idk, I kind of liked that Asher guy?
NickiG: Seriously, Cat? He was barely onscreen! I think the champ is losing her touch.
Beth.Malone: Guys, we really shouldn’t be discussing our picks until everyone’s brackets are in.
Colin7784: Sure, wouldn’t want to impugn the integrity of our Main Squeeze pool. Hasn’t the fabric of our society been torn enough?
Beth.Malone:
Colin7784: You’re going to kick me out of the league, aren’t you?
Beth.Malone: I’m strongly considering it.
Enna-Jay: This is a weird question, but do you have to pick someone? Like is there an option where she chooses none of these guys?
KeyboardCat: Since you’re new to this show, I can see where you’d think “wow, every single one of these guys is terrible,” but don’t worry—halfway through the season you always change to, like, NO HOW CAN SHE CUT ANY OF THESE MEN THEIR LOVE IS ALL SO PURE!
NickiG: Is it size-ist to pick Jefferson? Should I not assume she’s going to pick the chubbiest dude?
Enna-Jay: How can their love be pure when the couples always break up?
KeyboardCat: Not always!!!! That firefighter in Oregon!
Beth.Malone: Colorado
KeyboardCat: RIGHT
Colin7784: Is it weird that I feel stressed about what’s gonna happen tonight? What’s gonna happen tonight????
NickiG: Bea’s going to go on a group date, she’s going to get her first kiss, and there’s going to be D-R-A-M-A!
Colin7784: Wow that’s a very specific prediction.
NickiG: I know. I’m psychic. (And that’s what always happens during week 2.)
Beth.Malone: Seriously guys, you have six minutes left to turn in your brackets.
“Well!” Lauren clapped her hands. “I think that went great.”
“I don’t understand how that could possibly be your takeaway.” Bea pulled on a robe and mumbled through her pre-caffeinated haze. Lauren had burst into her bedroom at 8 A.M. bearing the overnight ratings report—but no coffee.
“Four point two in the demo!” Lauren exclaimed. “Our last finale was a two point nine. Do you even know how big a difference that is?”
“One point three?” Bea ventured, wishing this talk of high ratings and outperforming expectations would soothe the knot currently forming in her chest. She’d hoped that, after the premiere, her nerves would settle and this would get easier—after all, that was the last time she’d have to appear on live television until the reunion show, after the whole thing was done and she was already engaged. The rest of the season would be filmed in advance and edited together each weekend before the episodes aired on Monday nights—that had to be less stressful, right? If something went wrong, they could always take it again.
But as Bea listened to Lauren prattle on about ratings and demographics and watched the Pacific roll and crash in the gray, gloomy morning, she felt a twist in her gut. Last night, she’d only met these men. Starting today, she was going to have to date them.
“So talk to me,” Lauren was saying. “We’ve got eighteen men left, but only ten of them can go on your date today. Luc and Wyatt are already on everyone’s radar, so I need to bench them for the moment—don’t worry, you’ll do one-on-one dates with them in the next week or two. They’re gonna be great frontrunners, by the way—one good guy, one bad, I think we can set up a nice triangle.”
“Sounds great,” Bea agreed, without any real sense of what it meant.
“What about the rest of the guys? Anyone you want to spend more time with? We need to pick someone for your first kiss!”
“Honestly, I probably couldn’t pick most of them out of a lineup,” Bea muttered.
“Come on,” Lauren needled. “There’s not a single one who sticks out to you? Think back—or I can pull up some headshots if that would help?”
“Lauren.” Bea sighed. “We have to talk about the men
you chose.”
Lauren frowned. “What about them?”
“The fact that you ignored everything I asked for? You promised me a really diverse range of men.”
Lauren looked bewildered. “This is the most diverse cast we’ve had in the history of the show!”
“Not by body type.” Bea’s throat was tight. “It’s one thing to keep the romance pretend, but being trapped onstage with a bunch of men who would never actually date me? I was humiliated. It felt like my body was a plot twist, or a joke.”
“Bea, I’m so sorry—I swear, that wasn’t my intention.” Lauren came over and sat beside Bea on the bed. “We talked about making this a fairy tale—I thought I was giving you a parade of handsome princes. And seeing all of them compete for you? We’re giving women a fantasy, right?”
“Sure, but if they don’t actually compete for me, the fantasy kind of falls apart.”
Lauren met Bea’s eye, the whole situation suddenly clicking into focus.
“The guy who walked out.” Lauren put a hand on Bea’s knee. “Again, I’m so sorry about that, but that was me, not him. I promise you that no other man will do that, that the rest of them are here until you decide to get rid of them. Well, until we decide together.”
Bea raised her eyebrows, and Lauren laughed. “Look, this season is going to have villains just like every other, but don’t forget that I’m the one running the show, okay? When our villains are assholes to you, I’ll always make sure that you look like a hero and they look like pure evil.”
“And you’re sure I’ll look like a hero and not the fat girl no one asked to prom?”
“My hand to God, the whole country will see you as the prom queen before this thing is done,” she promised. “Now. Can we go through the rest of the men you have here, so you can pick which one gets to be your first kiss? Maybe Jefferson would be a good choice, help you ease into things?”
One To Watch: this summer's must-read romcom to fill the Love Island-shaped hole in your life Page 9
