by Liz Isaacson
She jumped in front of him. “What does that mean? Of course we’re going to be friends. I still want you to be my boyfriend.”
Didn’t she?
Yes. Yes, she did.
She cared about Sawyer a lot. On some level, she loved him. She’d loved Howie too, when they’d gotten married. But was it the kind of love Scarlett and Hudson enjoyed? Jeri didn’t think they were even close to being on the same level as that.
Yet, her mind whispered, but she tried to kick the thought out. It scared her too much, and she needed more time to accept the fact that she’d already opened herself up for more pain.
“Jeri.” Sawyer shook his head. “I think you already know this, but I’m going to say it anyway. I love you.”
She shook her head, tears gathering in the back of her throat. “Don’t. Things haven’t been right between us for weeks.”
“And yet, I’m still here,” he said. “So are you. That says something, don’t you think?”
She sighed and looked away. “I don’t know, Sawyer.”
He pressed a kiss to her cheek, his lips lingering there a little too long. “I don’t know a whole lot, either, Jeri. But if you want to move back to your place, that’s fine with me. If you want to get divorced, I guess I’m okay with that.” He kept his face close to hers so she couldn’t see his eyes.
In fact, he ducked his head closer to her neck. “I don’t like it, because I think we’re great together. But I think you might be right in saying we may have rushed into living a married life. And because I respect you and hope you’ll want to marry me again for real again, I’ll do whatever you want.”
Her breath stuck in her throat.
“See you later for dinner?” he asked.
She nodded, because she couldn’t speak, and Sawyer sauntered away as if they hadn’t just had the hardest conversation of their relationship.
Jeri spun away from him, suddenly second-guessing everything she’d ever felt and thought.
What if she’d just made the biggest mistake of her life?
Chapter 16
Sawyer hated eating by himself after having Jeri with him for the past couple of months. But she’d left the ranch—he knew, because the car that usually sat in her driveway was gone.
It had been gone when he’d finished his chores and returned to his cabin, as had all of her personal belongings in his cabin. He’d stopped in the doorway of the bedroom, noticing how stark and square everything was without her jewelry on the dresser or her clothes hanging in his closet.
His closet.
Just his.
He’d just taken a bite of Swedish meatballs when his phone rang. His heart thumped out a beat of adrenaline when he saw Jeri’s name. He swallowed his food while it was still too big, making his throat rebel in protest.
But he was able to say, “Hello,” before the call went to voicemail.
“Okay, so we have a problem,” she said in a hushed tone. Not even a hello. Sawyer didn’t care. He just wanted her to come back to him.
Even if she only wants to be your girlfriend forever?
Yeah, he didn’t like that. Not even a little bit. But the way she spoke about marriage, he’d gotten the impression that she didn’t even want a real husband. But a make-believe one was okay, even if she did real married things with him.
He shook the poisonous thoughts out of his head. “Problem?”
“It takes six months to get divorced in California,” she said. “There’s a mandatory waiting period.”
“Oh.”
“So I looked into an annulment, and we could do that.”
“What’s the difference?” he asked.
“There are some stipulations to an annulment,” she said. “But it basically recognizes the marriage as never having existed.”
“Which is easier?”
“Well…the annulment would be easier—at first. You’d have to come to court, though, and explain the fraud you’ve learned about. You know, so I could just get my license with your name.”
Sawyer closed his eyes. “I don’t want to go to court.” And he didn’t want to tell anyone about their plan. In his mind, their marriage wasn’t fraudulent. Or fake—and that was the real problem. “I suppose we should’ve done some research about ending the marriage.”
“I suppose,” she said. “So just a divorce?”
“Yes, please,” he said, his heart wailing against the prospect.
“Okay,” she said.
Before she could hang up, he asked, “Where are you?”
“Pasadena.”
“I’m surprised the offices aren’t closed.”
“Just a few more minutes,” she said. “Can I call you later?”
“Sure.” He hung up, the resulting silence surrounding him too deep and too wide for him to survive. He got up and went outside, the strains of guitar and drums coming from Cache’s cabin next door.
Sawyer didn’t think; he went down the steps, Blue at his side, and crossed over to Cache’s house. Knocking loudly on the door, he called, “Can I come in?”
The music stopped, and a few moments later, Cache opened the door. He still wore his work clothes and boots, but he had a guitar strapped over his shoulder. “Sawyer,” he said, surprised.
He wore the same military hair cut Sawyer usually did, and he had the sudden urge to get his hair cut instead of hanging out with a band he wasn’t part of. “Hey,” he said, swallowing. “Wondering if I can come hang out with you tonight.”
“Sure.” Cache grinned at him. “It’s just me and Lance. Dave has a date.”
“Another one,” Lance called from further inside the cabin.
“He goes out a lot,” Cache said.
“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Sawyer said, stepping in. “I can stand in for him if you have music.”
“That would be great,” Cache said, closing the door behind him. “Where’s Jeri tonight?”
“In town,” he said evasively. He faced the two cowboys. “Can I ask you guys a question?”
“Sure,” Cache said again, exchanging a glance with Lance. Sawyer liked Lance, who had sandy blonde hair and the longest sideburns he’d ever seen. But he could get any animal to do what he wanted, and he worked hard.
“Did you guys know Jeri and I got married?”
Another exchanged glance. “Yes,” they said together.
“How’d you find out?”
“I don’t remember,” Cache said. “Everyone just knows.”
Everyone just knows. Sawyer ground his teeth together and spied a guitar leaning against the wall. “Let’s just play. May I?” He indicated the instrument, and Cache nodded, an edge of fear in his eyes now.
“Music’s right there.”
“Thanks.” Sawyer stepped over to the music stand and focused on the notes. “I think I can do this.” He let his fingers drip over the strings, and this guitar was much nicer than his.
“All right,” Cache said. “Let’s play, boys.”
Sawyer looked at him, and he nodded. Sawyer played with him, feeling some of the tension and frustration leak away with the song.
Sunday morning, Sawyer drove to church himself. He’d been going with Jeri, but he’d signed the divorce papers on Thursday, and they hadn’t spoken that much since. She’d said she still wanted him to be her boyfriend, but she’d gone to town for groceries of her own on Thursday night, and back down with all the women at the ranch on Friday night.
She’d been sick on Saturday, and he’d taken her some soup from Karla, who’d been cooking for the ranch since she’d arrived. Scarlett had cried through one of the lunches a few of weeks ago, and Sawyer had steered clear of that. Jeri had told him that all the cooking and food reminded her of Adele, and it was hard for Scarlett to be here without her best friend.
Sawyer felt like he understood Scarlett on a new level now, as he parked in the church lot and looked at the steeple. He wasn’t sure how he could keep living at Last Chance Ranch with Jeri next door. So close, and yet
so blasted far away.
The minutes passed, and he didn’t go inside. Other people started to arrive, and still he remained in the truck. “Have I done something wrong?” he asked, his question directed toward God.
He didn’t think he had, but he’d lost Jeri, something he’d told her he specifically didn’t want.
“Maybe she just doesn’t love me the same way I love her.” Maybe he’d fallen too fast. Maybe he was in a better emotional state than she was. No matter what, he knew a couple of things.
He hadn’t done anything wrong, as the peace filling him testified to him.
And Jeri definitely needed more time to get to the same place he was already in.
So could he be patient?
He decided he could, and he got out of the truck and went in to listen to Pastor Williams’ sermon.
Things between him and Jeri improved over the next couple of weeks. She returned to his cabin in the evenings. They ate dinner together and talked about their day, their pets, their work, their dreams.
Well, he talked about his dreams. Jeri never had said all that much about what she wanted, even when he’d asked her. And asked her. He wanted to press the issue, but he felt like he already had, so he’d let it drop. For now.
They’d decided to stay at Last Chance Ranch for Thanksgiving, and the night before the big dinner, she brought extra stuffing to his cabin to go with the chicken he’d grilled.
“This just has to go in the oven for forty minutes,” she said.
“Well, if there’s one thing we can do, it’s stick something in the oven.” He smiled at her, glad she was here. “Chicken’s almost done, but I can put foil over it.”
She put the stuffing in the oven while he went down the back steps. She joined him a few moments later, her presence a blessing in his life, whether she was his wife or not.
“I have to tell you something,” she said.
He glanced down at her, suspicious of the serious tone. “All right.”
“I’d like to go to Eugene for the holidays.” She turned toward him, determination blazing in her eyes. At least he thought it was determination.
When her tears fell, he realized how wrong he was.
“Oh, don’t cry,” he said, mostly because he had no idea how to deal with a crying woman. He wrapped her in his arms, and she melted into him. “What’s wrong?”
“You know how you’ve asked me what my dreams are? What I want for my life?”
“Yes,” he said, rubbing slow circles along her back and wondering where she was going to go with this. Why her dreams upset her and led her to Eugene, Oregon.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about it.” She stepped out of his arms and wiped her face before focusing on the ground. “And there are some things I want.”
“Okay,” he said when she didn’t continue. “What are they?”
“I’d rather not say quite yet.”
“But you’re going to Eugene to get them,” he said, his mind working quickly. “Your family?”
“Just my son,” she said, her fingers braiding and unbraiding themselves. “I have a lot of regrets from that part of my life, and I don’t think…I can ignore them any longer.”
Sawyer nodded, understanding filling him. “You do what you need to do. I’ll go to Newport Beach and tell my parents we broke up.”
A moment of horror crossed her face. “Really?”
“No?”
“Why do they have to think we broke up? We’re still together.” She tipped forward slightly, looking up under the brim of his hat. “Right? We’re still together?”
“Yes,” he said. “Of course we’re still together.” He’d been the one who’d needed the reassurance these past few weeks, and Jeri had given him that. While he really liked her in his cabin with him, there was something exciting about seeing her in the evening, kissing her, and sending her home too.
He didn’t want to date forever, but for now, it was okay.
“I want to….” She trailed off and looked at the smoke rising from the grill. He turned to it and lifted the lid to give himself something else to focus on. Jeri usually didn’t have a problem saying what she wanted to say, but sometimes Sawyer needed a moment to absorb it without her looking at him.
“I want to get to a place where I’m ready to be married to you,” she said.
Sure enough, Sawyer almost dropped the tongs so much surprise hit him in the chest. He flipped the chicken, trying to find something to say. In the end, he closed the grill and looked at her. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
Because she’d just admitted she wasn’t in that place right now. And hadn’t been, even when she’d been staying over with him for those few weeks.
He felt like he’d been hollowed out with an ice cream scoop, and he could barely look at Jeri. “I think I hear the oven timer,” he said, though there was no way it had been forty minutes already. Didn’t matter. He had to get away from her for a minute. Just until he collected his thoughts.
Just for a couple of months.
Their make-believe marriage agreement mocked him as he practically sprinted up the steps and into his cabin, not even bothering to close the door behind him. He passed the oven, which didn’t have a timer going off, and continued into his bedroom, where he closed and locked the door.
His chest heaved, and he tried to figure out why he was so upset. So angry.
“Because everything Jeri’s done feels…fake,” he said, his fury frothing along with foolishness and absolute humiliation.
Chapter 17
Jeri worked in the kitchen at Karla’s, doing exactly what the marketing executive told her to. She’d spent some time with the other woman over the past couple of months since she’d first talked to her about the cabins, and she wasn’t as stiff as Jeri had first judged her to be.
Emotion choked her, but she kept stirring the custard in the pot, just like Karla had told her to. It wasn’t quite custard yet, but when the cream boiled, they’d put in egg yolks and cook it into a fine pudding. At least that was what Karla had said.
“So he didn’t come out of the bedroom?” Karla asked, stepping next to Jeri at the stove to pour a container of half and half into a second pot.
Jeri shook her head. She’d taken the stuffing out of the oven and rapped on Sawyer’s bedroom door. He’d called that he wasn’t well and for her to leave, and she’d seen no other choice.
So she’d left—just like she had when Howie had asked her to, all those years ago.
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” she said. She’d lain awake for hours last night, trying to find a solution to her problem. Sawyer hadn’t been home when she’d woken, and while she knew she could find him somewhere on the ranch, she’d needed to come to Karla’s to help with the Thanksgiving Day dinner preparations.
She was glad she wasn’t at the homestead with Scarlett, Amber, and Sissy, as they were more gossipy than Karla, who only wore concern on her face.
“I’ve hurt him,” she said. “He loves me, and I…don’t love him. Now he knows it.”
“Of course you love him,” Karla said. “I’ve seen you two together, and you love him.”
“Not the way he loves me,” Jeri said, knowing the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. “I love him because he helped me when I had no one else. Because he’s hard-working, and has a good heart, and listens to his gut.” She shook her head again, noticing the milk starting to bubble. “This is ready for the eggs.”
“Okay, we have to temper them.” She turned around and collected the bowl of egg yolks she’d whisked together with sugar. “Ladle a little in here, and I’ll stir them.”
Jeri did as she was told, saying, “I basically told him I wasn’t in a place where I could be married to him. And yet—” Her hands shook, and Karla poured the eggs in the pot and passed her the whisk.
“Whisk,” she said. “Two more minutes.” She moved back over to her pot and put three
bags of sweet corn into the pot. “And yet what?”
“I was married to him. Did things only married people do.”
“Oh,” Karla said.
“I’m a horrible person,” Jeri said, letting her tears out now, because the way she whisked the eggs like they’d done her a personal wrong wasn’t bleeding out the negativity in her life.
“Maybe you just need to get a few things fixed,” Karla said. “Remember how I walked in that administration building last week and was like, ‘This whole place needs to be bulldozed,’ and you said, ‘No, the bones are great.’? Remember?”
Jeri nodded, sniffling. “I remember.”
“Well, maybe you and Sawyer have the bones of a good relationship. Maybe you just need to knock down a wall, or put in a new door, or something.” Karla looked at her with earnestness. “I don’t know. I’m just making all that up. I don’t know construction.”
Jeri half-laughed and half-cried. “Thank you, Karla.”
She let the other woman take her into a quick hug before Karla said, “Oh, goodness. This is going to be a thick pudding. Pull it off the heat, Jeri. Quick.”
She continued to help with the pies Karla had been assigned for the meal, wishing she could turn the clock back so lunchtime would never come.
But come it did, and Jeri joined everyone in the homestead, where Scarlett was directing Hudson where to move the furniture so he and Sawyer could set up the tables they needed to feed everyone.
Jeri met Sawyer’s eye, but he looked away quickly.
She knew she wasn’t as good as him, and guilt mingled with embarrassment inside her. She wanted to leave, but she had nowhere else to go. She loved this ranch, but the thought also made her angry.
Hadn’t her love for this ranch been what had gotten her in trouble?
No, she told herself. Your choices were what got you here.
Another glance at Sawyer reminded her how much she cared about him, and how empty her life had been without him. Those few days a couple of weeks ago where she didn’t go to his cabin in the evening had been terrible for her.
