"Knowing my own father arranged for my almost marriage to disintegrate at the fucking altar in front of a full church of wedding guests still grates."
"She wasn't the right wife for you…obviously, and beneath this family. Can you deny you're not better off without her now?"
That last part stung like a bitch because he was right on that one point. I was better off without Leah in my life. But even worse was knowing how I'd been played by the people who shouldn't have dreamed of playing me. At the time, it had been beneficial for Leah to leave.
Beneficial for him…and for Ted Robinson.
My father cared only about himself, and that wouldn't change until he took his last breath on this earth. Rage got the upper hand over my self-control and I jumped up from the chair. "Why do you feel entitled to dictate the who and the when I should marry?"
He shrugged. "Because I can, and because it behooves me to have both of my children happily settled with families of their own. Family values will be the impetus of my campaign. Family. Values." His frustration was beginning to show. "You are going to get some."
Happily married, my ass. He wouldn't even know what that is. "And how do you suggest I do this?"
He made a sound of disgust. "Do I really have to spell this out for you, son?"
"Since it's me you're asking to do this? Yeah, you do, Dad."
He settled back into the luxurious leather. "Marry a girl from a good family and get her pregnant. I am assuming you can figure that part of it—" He paused, his expression changing to one of interest. "Or get her pregnant first, and then marry her."
"I'm not doing any of—"
"In fact, a surprise pregnancy might work even better to endorse our support of traditional values with a thoroughly modern interpretation." He tapped his lips with an index finger and looked genuinely pleased for the first time since I'd entered his office.
"Have you lost your mind? I'm not getting a girl pregnant to benefit your fucking political ambitions."
"Careful now," he warned. "You will do exactly as I've outlined. And you will settle down and get to work on creating the picture-perfect family I need standing in support of the legacy I am building. It's not like I'm asking you to do anything you wouldn't do eventually, James. People grow up and get married. They have children. It's the only reason marriage exists. Why are you struggling with this?"
I had to fight off the urge to shudder out my revulsion. Of course he'd see the notion of marriage for reproduction only. It certainly wasn't there for love. The thought of standing on a podium somewhere forced to cheer on my father in support was just too much to have to stomach this early in the day. "Fuck you," I mumbled under my breath, hating that I didn't have the guts to spit it in his egotistical face.
"You will not fuck this up for me, James."
"What if I don't find someone?"
"I suggest you do if you want to be involved with the choice. If you can't manage to find a suitable bride on your own, then one will be found for you. A suitable bride, James. Not one of the whores from the club. Wealth is not as important as an upstanding family background for showing we can relate to solid middle class—"
"Just listen to yourself," I said disgustedly. "How in the hell do you—"
"Know that I can, and I will if you disregard my wishes. I am able to make just about anything happen to suit my needs, and I won't hesitate to follow through if you fail me."
"So you're just taking over my life to serve yourself?" I could hardly wrap my head around this conversation.
"You're thinking too hard, and I am weary of this conversation. I expect some forward movement on this issue by Thanksgiving. Your mother so looks forward to having her children home for the day."
Yeah, and she's the sole reason we go. "That's only three weeks from now."
"Bring your prospective bride to meet us so we can get to know this new daughter who will be mother to my future grandchildren." The smile he gave looked a bit maniacal. "Children, who will enjoy the honor and privilege of visiting their grandfather in the Oval Office someday."
Please, God, don't ever let that happen.
He then returned his attention to whatever document was in front of him and acted as if I wasn't in the room. My father had finished with me for the moment, so I was effectively dismissed.
I didn't remember leaving his office, but once I felt the warmth of the autumn sun seeping through the clouds, I knew I'd made it out somehow.
The fuck did my father think he could control my life in this way?
I stood among the foot traffic moving in both directions around me, and I felt…chilled. Cold with fear and worry. Cold like a winter fury.
Cold like winter.
Winter.
From the moment my father started dictating his sordid plans for me, I knew who I wanted. There was only one person. The only girl it could ever be for me—even though it would be something close to immoral for me to bring her into the shitfuckery that was my life.
It would be wrong…but it would feel so right.
Because Winter Blackstone was my kryptonite. This I knew. One small slip of indulging in my desires to be closer and there would be no turning back. With my father's edict burning a hole in my heart, I was being handed a reason to go there with her.
But I can't.
I was fucked and I knew it. I knew myself, and I knew how hard the struggle would be in resisting the temptation of her. For me, the allure of Winter Blackstone was something with which I was well familiar. Her unaffected beauty, her kind and generous heart, her gentle way of listening and knowing the right thing to say in any situation, made her approachable and easy for people to love.
Love?
Did I love her?
Of course I did. I'd known her since she was a toddler, and she'd become a dear and trusted friend. But, if I was honest…Winter was much more than that for me, and she had been for a long time. She possessed every quality I could want in a wife. In terms of promoting my father's political campaign, she couldn't be more perfect. YOUNG HEIRESS CHOOSES SOCIAL WORK OVER HIGH SOCIETY. The news agencies would eat her up and crown her their darling overnight. Yes, I loved Winter Blackstone, but loving someone and being in love with them were not one in the same. I couldn't say the latter was definitively true. Honestly, I wasn't sure if being in love was something I was even capable of.
You're still fucked because she's off limits.
This was my truth. Because I could never be with Winter the way I wanted to be. I could never have her. Not how I'd dreamed of having her when my innermost fantasies took over within my twisted headspace.
Winter was too good.
She was too sweet.
She was just too perfectly innocent…for the likes of me.
Filthy Lies: Two
James
When the number eleven button lit up inside the elevator, my heart sped up. Winter's apartment was on the eleventh floor.
Directly under me.
Now, isn't that a beautiful picture? I tried to block the image of her spread out underneath me while I took my time fucking us both into oblivion.
I'd spent the last six months in torture, because she lived mere feet away from me. Caleb owned the building and could lease an apartment to anyone he chose. So, when Winter wanted to be out on her own, her brother eagerly made it happen. It made sense for siblings to stay close by when they'd just recently lost their father to cancer. I understood perfectly the reasoning behind Winter living here. I just agonized at the reality every time I imagined her naked in the shower or sleeping in her bed. Because I didn't just want to imagine her that way. I wanted to be right there with her. Naked. In bed.
How would I face her the next time I saw her? When all I'd be capable of seeing was the woman I craved above all others, it was a given I'd do or say something moronic, making us both uncomfortable. I was like a teenager around her as it was now. Getting hard at the sight of her—blurting out invitations to have dinner with me—being a fucki
ng idiot. The familiar tightening of my dick reminded me that I could manage an erection just by thinking about her. I'd nearly outed myself a few weeks ago when our foursome for dinner ended up being just the two of us. How I kept from kissing her I would never know.
Fuck. Me. Forever.
Despite my father's directive, I couldn't entertain the idea of Winter in any capacity beyond a close friendship. Her brothers would probably put a hit out on me if I went there with her.
For very different reasons.
Caleb would freak that I was perving on his little sis, and Lucas would know precisely what perversions I wanted with his little sis. She had a third brother, but Wyatt wasn't around enough to be much of a concern.
But Lucas Blackstone knew what I was.
He knew, because he was one too.
Four years back, he'd showed up at Lurid as a new member. The cat was out of the bag for both of us, and marked the end of our anonymity as purveyors of kink. Lucas knew, but his older brother and my best friend, Caleb, did not. There was a hard and fast rule of keeping your mouth shut about other members. And so, as was expected of us, Lucas and I left our secrets right at Lurid where they belonged. I'd still lay odds he'd have a major problem with me touching his little sister though. Sisters were in the no-go zone.
I had a little sister, too. I understood exactly. Victoria was nine years younger than me, and she was getting married next summer. My parents were thrilled for my sister and her fiancé, Clay, and if my father had been a normal person, the pressure to produce grandchildren would've been off me completely. But no, we couldn't possibly have normal where he was concerned. He had to set his sights on the motherfucking White House.
Dear God, please let me be asleep right now and in the middle of a nightmare.
As I made my way into my twelfth-floor apartment, I headed straight for my closet to undress. Two workouts were on my agenda for the night. First, my home gym would have my attention while I pounded out some of the physical stress until my body told me I'd had enough.
Then, I'd make my way to Lurid for an evening workout of a different nature. I'd satisfy that darkness of spirit inside me that fed my emotional soul. It was the only way I could exorcise my demons where Winter was concerned.
The only way.
* * *
Despite the punishing workout, my dick was still hard two hours later. The hot water and soap sluicing over my body did a good job of washing away the sweat easily enough. I wish it was as easy to wash away my filthy thoughts about Winter. Pretty much impossible now with my father's demands slung around my neck like an anchor. I closed my eyes, but all I could see was her beautiful face smiling at me in that quiet way she had perfected. So fucking sexy how she looked at me. And so undeserving.
I had, on more than one occasion, wondered if she felt anything similar for me. But I really didn't know. As much as I would have loved it, I knew I couldn't risk finding out. It would be cruel...for both of us.
Because I knew some of what happened to her last year. I only knew because Caleb had asked me to prepare the restraining order on her ex—a miserable excuse for a human who deserved far worse than what he'd got. Christopher Shelton was pond scum. He'd abused Winter. So, he was lucky to be breathing after what he'd done, in my opinion.
When JW Blackstone had been in the final months of his life, Shelton thought he'd secure himself an heiress the simple way—by marriage. According to Caleb, Shelton became very controlling of Winter in the time leading up to her dad's death, dropping hints that they were about to be engaged, while at the same time far too inquisitive about the terms of her father's will. He even approached me at one point for details, because he knew I would be handling the probate when the time came. I told him to back off. And when the whisperings of Shelton's "plan" to marry into Blackstone wealth via Winter made its way back to her? She dumped his fortune-hunting ass and sent him packing.
She broke up with him, and that should have been the end of it. But Shelton grossly overstepped himself, abducting Winter from her father's funeral under the guise of getting her out of town for a few days to process her great loss. He did it at a time when the whole family was deeply grieving and understandably distracted. Caleb told me Shelton took her to his parents' cabin in Vermont where he kept her drugged on Ambien for days on end, doing God knows what to coerce her into marrying him. He was too dumb and too greedy to avoid getting caught though. Once her family realized she was missing, running a check on Winter's Amex was all it took to find her. Shelton had been using her credit card to pay for his wife-acquisition adventure. The cocksucker had no brains whatsoever. Caleb gave him a choice: leave Massachusetts and don't ever come back, or face kidnapping charges. Shelton left the state.
Good fucking riddance.
But Shelton certainly left a lot of shit in his wake. I didn't know how much the incident had affected Winter. Was she afraid of intimacy now? Had he hurt her sexually or just emotionally? They had been in a relationship at one time, so I assumed it extended to fucking. Not a pleasant thought to dwell on, but it was there. I didn't know the answers, and I wouldn't ask Caleb. I wasn't sure if he even knew those details. It was the kind of thing you didn't talk about openly unless the person involved brought it up. Winter never had. And I worried how much he had broken her.
All I could do was chew on my theories until she wanted to talk about it with me. Regardless of my suspicions, her first experience with "marriage" had been traumatic.
As had mine.
My father was out of his fucking mind if he thought he could force me into marrying anybody. I wasn't getting married because he told me it would look good for him on the campaign trail.
I also wondered what my sister knew about our father's plotting. I'd broach the subject with her another time, though, because I definitely wasn't up for it tonight. Victoria lived across the hall from me in her own apartment. Her place and mine encompassed the entire twelfth floor. The setup gave us each the privacy of our own space, even though I leased both units. She lived there for now, but once she and Clay tied the knot she wouldn't. It was hard to imagine my little sister married and all grown up. She was young in years, but Vic was an old soul on the inside. Serious and smart and very mature. I had no doubts she would make a success of her marriage just as she did in all other areas of her life. Caleb had nothing but praise for how she managed his executive office. He said she was the best PA he'd ever had, and made it known he'd do whatever she needed to keep her happy and still working for him after she married Clay.
I refused to even think about my own wedding-day-from-hell. Five years hadn't done a lot to stem the bitterness I felt, but I honestly tried my best to keep the whole fucking mess buried in the past where it belonged.
So I thought about something good instead.
Something so beautifully perfect, my cock leapt in my palm as I wrapped my hand around the shaft painfully tight and started stroking up and down. I pictured her lips. Dark pink and fully stretched open for me to take. I imagined what had to be the sweetest lips on the planet wrapped around the crown of my cock while she knelt naked at my feet.
In my wicked vision, Winter allowed me to fuck her pretty little mouth with my rock-hard cock until I was ready to fill it with one spectacular orgasm.
It was her name I called when the jizz started spitting out of the tip, the earthy scent of semen mixing with the hot water and soap as it was washed away, draining into the sewers of the city.
The perfect metaphor of where my head was at whenever I thought of her.
* * *
Access to Lurid was done by password, which changed nightly. I had to check in via my online account if I wanted entry. Management discouraged drop-in visits, and for good reason. Responsible people in the D/s scene weren't reactionary. Participation in whatever activities they chose was usually planned in advance, and with great detail. I didn't feel very responsible tonight, but then after what my dad had to say to me earlier today, I figured my membership h
ere was on borrowed time anyway.
Maybe tonight would be the last time I'd ever need the password to gain entry into one of the very few places I could indulge in the expression of my desires without judgment. After Leah, I'd found dominating during sex was something I needed even more than when we'd been together. It was like my wiring had been permanently fused after she left me, and I didn't want to go back to how I'd been before.
Right now, I desperately needed to decompress for an hour or two, so I entered the code for the evening…S-I-L-K…into the keypad, waited for the green light, and turned the handle on the door. I signed in, left my keys and phone with the front desk attendant, and became officially off the grid for a bit. No texts or calls for me until I checked out later. The feeling of freedom was fucking wonderful, if only just for a couple hours. Real life wasn't going anywhere now, was it? It'd be right there waiting for me when I emerged.
Unfortunately.
Looking at the crowd filtering through the main area, I could see it was busier than usual for a weeknight. There were a few familiar faces to nod at before heading to the bar. A two-drink maximum was enforced at all times, because drunk play was a no-no. A clear head was necessary for the safety of everyone involved.
"What can I get you?" Bill asked as I took a seat at the bar.
"Ah, I think a shot of Lag will do me just right, Bill."
"You got it." He poured one for me and assessed my mental state no doubt. Bill Smith was a mountain of a man with enough muscles and tats to make the most badass biker take pause. He could handle himself no problem, but he wasn't an aggressor. He was a problem solver. Big difference. Besides tending bar, he was the security muscle for Lurid whenever he was needed in such a capacity, which was seldom, thank God. I wouldn't come here if the place wasn't quiet. Loud and noisy was never my thing. "Tough day?" Did I mention Bill could read people well?
I couldn't help the scoff that escaped. "You could say that." I took a sip of my drink and kept the rest of my thoughts to myself. If being told by your father that you'll be getting married and making a Hallmark-card-picture-perfect family in order to boost his political ambitions counts, then yeah, my day was shit. "Something unexpected landed on my plate today."
Smokeshow: A Hockey Love story Page 22
