“It’s easy. All you have to do is say one word. Yes.”
“Oh. Right.” I bit at my lips.
“No. The word is ‘yes’.” He smiled at me but behind the smile was worry now, and fear. And I was the one causing him pain.
“I love you, Jessica. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’ve been thinking about this for months.”
“But—I’m not the typical pastor’s wife. I’d be terrible. You know it. I grimace at church potlucks. I can’t quilt or can beans or sew or crochet.”
“Who said you have to?”
“Tradition. Snow Valley. That’s who. I’m a dancer. My career is just beginning. I even get my first twenty second of solo time during the ensemble number. Maddox is going to give me a raise after the company has completed its run of Swan Lake.”
“I knew you would succeed,” he said quietly. “I’m so proud of all the hard work you’ve put in. I love watching you dance. You’re a wonder of precision and grace. And perfect legs, I might add.”
I smacked his arm, the ring slipping just a bit.
“We’ll get it sized better,” James said, referring to the ring as he caught my hand again and slid back up along the bench to sit next to me. I pressed my face into his woolen coat, my mind whirling with things I should say, and with all the things I shouldn’t say.
We held each other while the sun sank. Across the garden, a man collected coils of watering hose and a box of tools. “It’s time to go,” I said.
“Jessica, I’m not letting you off the hook. I can’t get up from here, get in the car and pretend this didn’t happen. I wanted to propose to you in a spot you love. A place of timeless beauty and romance.”
“Oak Alley is perfect,” I told him.
“We love each other. We can figure out the rest.”
“A pastor and his wife can’t live apart. And commuting would be horrific. It takes two planes and all day to go one direction.”
“But the ballet company is taking a hiatus through the summer. I thought we could marry in May and have three months together. I figured we’d figure it out when we could spend more than three or four days together.”
“I’m not ready to give up my dancing,” I said quietly. “Why can’t we wait a few years?”
“A few years?” James thudded against the bench. “I’m sorry, Jess. Being apart is already hard enough.”
“Talk to your Uncle John. Surely he’s not ready to retire yet.”
“But he brought me to Snow Valley with that purpose. I can’t leave after all the time and expense of training me. Small town churches have a shoestring budget as it is.”
“You’re asking me to give up my life. My heart’s dream.”
His lips tightened when I slipped off the ring and placed it back into the box. The lid closed with a snap, and I cringed as it disappeared back into his coat pocket.
“I wanted you to leave Oak Alley wearing that. I’d thought we’d be celebrating tonight.”
“It’s truly beautiful, James. I love you for choosing the perfect ring. For loving me with all my orneriness and stubbornness.”
“Wear it as a promise of the future,” he pleaded.
I shook my head. “I can’t. It’s an engagement ring and we don’t know what the future holds. At least for the next year or two.” My breath hitched. Part of me wanted to kiss him until midnight, but I held myself back. I couldn’t tease him with that while turning down his proposal. This was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I was hurting him and I didn’t want to. “All I see ahead is uncertainty. I can’t give up my dancing, I can’t, James.”
“I’m not asking you to give it up completely—” he began, pain etched in his face.
I blinked back tears with a fierceness that hurt. I wasn’t going to make this harder for him, or me, by turning into a blubbering idiot. “Perhaps—perhaps time will give us the answer.”
“I guess God didn’t answer all my prayers,” he said wryly.
“At least not yet.” Saying the words burned my throat.
We rose from the bench and began the slow walk back to the car in utter silence.
My chest was tight and hard and I knew James was stunned and in shock. Would he forgive me? Would he propose again in the future?
There was one aspect of turning down his marriage proposal that I didn’t want to face, but the fears came anyway. What if James didn’t wait for me? What if he found somebody else before I was ready?
Chapter 3
James handed over his boarding pass and the scanner blinked green.
“Thank you, sir,” said the Delta gate attendant as she waved him through.
He moved down the jet-way in a fog. James knew exactly what Jessica had been trying to tell him last night. A hint that perhaps there was somebody else in his future. A girl better suited to his lifestyle as a witness and pastor of God.
But he’d known a year ago that Jessica Mason was the girl for him. He’d loved her snarky irreverence, her passion for life. And the tender heart she kept hidden deep inside.
He’d bided his time, courted her, talked every day, flew out to New Orleans to see her. He’d thought—wrongly it appeared—that after Swan Lake she would be ready to leave the exacting and demanding life of a dancer and marry him. Come back home to Snow Valley. Set up a cozy love nest. Have a family.
He’d never doubted his judgment before, or his feelings. The world tilted unsteadily. He’d tried to listen to his heart, his attraction for Jessica, as well as his inner intuition for what God wanted for his life.
And he’d been completely wrong.
How could he counsel anyone else in their spiritual journey if he couldn’t even manage his own?
After buckling into Row 14, Seat C, James went over the previous evening in his mind. Oak Alley had closed, they’d returned to the car, Jessica’s hands shoved into her own jacket pockets, the ring hidden away in his coat pocket.
They were silent, there wasn’t much to say. James had a hard time focusing when they returned to New Orleans by way of the hazy, winding road while night fell.
“James,” Jessica had finally spoken from the seat next to him. “Let’s not have a bad last evening. I still have tickets for our swamp tour in the morning. You know I still love you.”
“Do I know that, Jessica?” He hadn’t meant to be sharp, but honestly what was he supposed to think? He’d never proposed to a girl before, never been this close to a girl in his life. Never dreamed she’d turn him down.
“Of course I do. I haven’t been leading you on.”
He glanced at her when he braked for a light and noticed that her eyes were filled with tears.
“Honestly, Jess, I don’t know what to think. I feel completely broadsided.”
“I don’t know what to say. I wish I could make you feel better. I just wanted to relax and have some fun with you this weekend. Especially when the last few weeks have been so intense at the studio, and are only going to get worse.”
“So it’s all about you. You can’t even see that I’m devastated.”
“That’s not fair, Jamie. Your timing is—difficult. How can I think about getting engaged, or begin planning a wedding when Swan Lake has completely taken over my life?”
“It’s not like you’re the principal ballerina.”
She sucked in air. “Wow, that’s a low blow.”
“I’m sorry, Jess, that was wrong of me. I apologize. I guess I can’t think straight right now. All I wanted to tell you was how much I loved you and plan a future together. I wanted to celebrate us before I left to go back home.”
Someone honked behind them and he’d gassed the pedal, not realizing the light had turned green. Jessica was silent while they found a quiet restaurant, away from the noise of Bourbon Street and the boardwalk along the Mississippi.
Now the plane revved down the runway. James felt his stomach lift when Boeing 757 left the ground and tucked its wheels in. He got out a magazine, flipping pages without seeing t
hem.
He and Jessica had gone through the motions of dinner and spent Saturday morning together before she dropped him off at the airport.
She’d clung to him, her eyes pleading. But for what? Forgiveness, assurances? But she was the one that had turned him down.
After a quick kiss he strode toward the security checkpoint. A quick glance backward showed him that she stood there watching him, her face solemn, long dark hair brushing against her coat lapels. Then it was his turn to march forward, remove his shoes, slide his carry-on along the rollers to be x-rayed. When he looked up again to lift his hand in a final wave she was gone.
His gut clenched. Dear Lord, he thought silently, what am I supposed to do now?
Had he done this all wrong?
Was Jessica gone for good?
That night when he drove the hour back from the airport in Billings, James felt even more depressed. Every minute and every mile back to Snow Valley was further away from the woman he loved. The crusty half-melted piles of snow along the dark streets was depressing, too, the air sharp against his cheeks when he locked the car up at the church and pushed through the doors.
Not even the church sign made him lift his face into a smile.
Honk if you Love Jesus. Text While Driving if you Want to Meet Him.
He needed quiet, solitude. He had to shake this off, finish preparing his sermon for tomorrow.
The sanctuary was dusky and quiet. Carrying his suitcase, James strode to the back offices. His uncle, Pastor John, was standing behind his own desk when he passed, head bent, shuffling papers.
“You still here, Uncle John?” James asked. “Go home and spend some time with your wife.”
“Just about to. How was your trip?”
“Fine.”
John lifted his eyebrows. “I’ve seen more enthusiasm from a kid stacking the hymnals after services. Thought you’d return home with a big grin, and I could call you the happiest man in Snow Valley.”
James frowned. “What makes you say that?”
John spread his hands guiltily. “Didn’t you propose to Jessica Mason, or is that a big surprise next month for her birthday?”
“But I didn’t even talk to you about it. Is God giving you personal revelation about my life now?”
“Hey, Son, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve been seeing the signs for weeks now. Your giddy whistling has been driving me crazy. Then I saw a bill arrive from the local jewelers. You were so eager to go see Jessica a few days ago you left five hours before your flight was scheduled.”
James pursed his lips. “Didn’t know it was that obvious.”
John moved out behind his desk and put a hand on James’ shoulder. “What happened, you don’t look so good. Is Jessica alright?”
“She’s fine. Dancing better than ever. Her career is going full-steam ahead. A solo in Swan Lake. Couldn’t be better.”
John stared at him for a moment. “And therein lies the problem, I take it.”
James gave a snort. “Exactly.”
“So you weren’t able to set a date for the wedding?”
“Uncle John, she wouldn’t even accept the ring. She said no. She turned me down.” Saying the words made it sound so final, so awful.
His uncle let out a deep breath. “I’m so sorry. Never expected that outcome. You okay to take tomorrow? I can do it. I’ve pulled all-nighters before.”
“Of course not. It’s my week and I don’t want any speculation. This is only between you and me.”
“Well, your aunt may have her suspicions but I’ll take care of that. She’s not one to gossip, as you know. Minister’s wives know how to keep information close to the chest.”
James dropped heavily into the chair in front of his uncle’s desk, his energy vanishing in an instant. “So tell me something good that happened around here before I go spend a few hours in front of my computer.”
“Well, the Easter play is going full swing. A few of the mothers used the recreation room to sew costumes. Mrs. Barton had twin girls. Oh, and Porter Wilson is teaching the high school Sunday school class.”
James’ cell phone dinged and he glanced down. A text from Jessica.
Did you get home okay? Didn’t hear from you all day.
He’d been feeling sorry for himself and hadn’t communicated his arrival.
Yes, I’m home, roads good. Talking to John. Call you later.
“So, you had an appointment earlier?” James asked, wanting to change the subject. “That’s unusual for a Saturday night.”
His uncle nodded. “Yes, with a new member of the congregation. I remember hearing about her once, although I can’t recall how long ago. A relative of the Stirling family. Perhaps she’s visited before. Her name is April, maiden name West.”
James tilted his head. “Meaning she’s married now?”
“Murphy. Roy Murphy was her husband’s name.”
“Why is she meeting with you if she’s only here for a visit?”
“No visit. April’s relocating. She’s in need of family around her right now. Her husband, Roy, was a Marine. Killed in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan just a few months ago.”
“Wow, I’m very sorry to hear that. What a tragedy.”
“She can’t be much more than twenty-five, and wanted to ask me about grief counseling as well as get a feel for the town and employment possibilities. She has a three-year-old daughter named Daphne. Cute little thing. Cora and I met with her together. Told her about the preschool LuAnne Snow runs. I think April got her registered a few days ago.”
“That seems fast,” James observed, curious.
“Mrs. Murphy is currently suffering through government paperwork and red tape to get the insurance she’s due. This may not be enough to support her for more than a few years. She says she needs to find a job. She and her daughter have been living with her folks in Billings but April wants to attempt to forge a new life and the Stirling’s offered a way to do that.”
“I can understand that,” James said, although Snow Valley didn’t offer anywhere near the employment and educational opportunities a bigger city like Billings did.
“She’ll be at church tomorrow. Just wanted you to know before you saw her and wondered if you were dreaming. Well, that, and I didn’t want you not recognizing her. In a small town like ours people get offended if the preacher doesn’t know everything about their lives.”
“Thanks for the warning,” James said lightly, but inside guilt assailed him. He’d been irritable since last night and feeling sorry for himself. Every person in his congregation had bigger problems than his. Widowed with a child. Life could be so much worse.
“You okay, Son?” Uncle John asked again.
James ran a hand through his hair. He was still wearing his overcoat, suitcase on the floor. The office was warm and his wool jacket was making him sweat. In addition to that, his uncle’s all-knowing eyes were getting to him. He just wanted to hide from the world for a few days. Nurse his wounded heart. “I’ll be fine. Trying to take it in stride.”
Pastor John gazed at him. “A broken heart isn’t any small thing. But Jessica didn’t break up with you, right? So there’s always hope.”
“Hope. Yeah. I’m in love with a girl who lives almost two thousand miles away and won’t be ready to get married until she’s forty when her career is over by default of aging. Where does that leave me in the meantime? Alone, childless, pining for a dream I can’t have.”
“You’re the only one who can figure this out. I have faith in you that you can.”
“Thanks, Uncle John. Now I’d better get to work so I won’t be maudlin and depressing tomorrow. How do you keep the happy face?”
“Practice.”
“Serious?”
“I‘ll be frank with you. There are days when someone needs more help than I’m capable of giving. Or I’m too ignorant to know how to deal with it. Or a certain grief weighs so heavily it’s like your chest is piled with rocks. But prayer and faith gets us th
rough it. Step by step. Moment by moment. Remember that hope outweighs the dire. Love overcomes adversity.”
James picked up his suitcase. “I’ll post that on my computer and on my forehead.” He held up a hand. “And I’m not making light of it. I mean it, thank you.”
Shedding his coat, he slumped into his desk chair and hit the power button on his computer. While it booted up after being cold for days, he stared at Jessica’s phone number. It was almost eleven o’clock in Louisiana now, an hour ahead of Montana time. Before he could talk himself out of it, he dialed the number and listened to it ring. And ring and ring, eventually going to voicemail. He opened his mouth to leave a message, but there wasn’t much to say, actually.
He couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t hurt. He didn’t want Jess to hear the resentment in his voice, even if he tried to cover it up. He’d call her tomorrow.
After working until midnight, he shut everything down, bleary-eyed. The rough draft of his sermon was a bit more polished. He’d looked up references and inserted them, adding sticky notes to the pages of his Bible so he could find them easily.
He made his way behind the church to the small apartment Uncle John and Aunt Cora had converted from their garage two years ago when his uncle invited him to come to Snow Valley when he graduated Seminary. They’d done a bit more remodeling when his younger sister, Lydia, came to live with him. She consumed a lot of his thought and time, too, but after graduation in May—only two months from now—his younger sister would be prepping for college and moving into an apartment in Billings.
Right now James was so tired his legs were leaden and he could hardly keep his eyes open.He gave a light tap at Lydia’s bedroom door and it slowly creaked open. She wasn’t here. Then his eyes focused on the note she taped to the door.“Staying over at Melissa’s house tonight. See you at church in the a.m.”
He was secretly glad she wasn’t here. He needed some quiet, and he couldn’t face any questions from Lydia as to why he looked so done in.
Throwing the luggage onto the floor, James told himself he’d unpack tomorrow. After a quick, hot shower, turning the thermostat way up to fight the chill, James crawled into bed and slumped against the pillows.
Spring in Snow Valley Page 41
